To say I'm a little bit too much into fantasy sports might be the understatement of the century. I'm in one baseball dynasty league, and drafting for another. I know more about minor league prospects than the average person knows about Major League players. My football league with guys from my high school is currently in its 5th year of existence--I'm playing in the championship this weekend for the 3rd time of those 5 years, with a 3rd-place finish to boot. I've been playing fantasy sports since I first signed up for a football team in 5th grade--ten years ago. That's roughly half of my life. So yeah, I'm kind of an authority on the subject.
But not everyone is. Some people just don't know what they are doing. And that's what this post is for. For the newbie, trying to figure out just what the hell he should do. For the veteran dumbass, who is fucking up and not realizing it. And for the fantasy virgin, who is considering getting in on the action but doesn't want to look like a dumbass.
Seriously. If you know your sports moderately well, and follow these simple rules, you'll be fine.
I. Thou shalt not bring thy girlfriend to the draft
Seriously. A fantasy draft is a prime example of Guy Time: we can swear, belch, drink, fart, eat greasy junk food, talk biblical amounts of shit to one another, turn the game on in the background, objectify women, and so on. All it takes is one Token Wet Blanket Girlfriend in the room, and that whole balance is thrown to shit. There's a time and a place for everything and everyone: this isn't hers.
(If you're still confused, think about it this way: you wouldn't bring your girlfriend to your friend's bachelor party, would you? And if you answered "yes" to that question, stop reading right now and don't return until you've gotten your balls back.)
II. Thou shalt talk as much shit as humanly possible
This one goes without saying. It's fun to beat your buddy at something: it's even more fun to beat him, then rub it in his face. It's a proven fact: there is a strong, direct correlation between "Insults hurled" and "Fun league."
III. Thou shalt not start unnecessary drama
This one is located here to keep #2 in check. Shit-talking is one thing. Incessant complaining is another. Behind-the-back shit-talking is another. The Baumann Corollary (aptly named after an ex-friend of mine) is in play here: if you are responsible for 75% of the drama for a group of 5 or more people, you need to re-evaluate your life. And the group needs to seriously re-evaluate whether or not it's better off without you.
(Ironically enough, the keeper league that is currently drafting I mentioned earlier had this exact same problem. Same guy starting 95% of the bullshit on the league message board. Smart guy, knowledgeable about baseball, and attentive to his team--but couldn't stop bitching. He quit a week ago, and the general consensus from everyone was "Thank God that douchebag is gone. Unless you're on Jersey Shore, nobody likes the drama-starter. Nobody.)
IV. Thou shalt keep up-to-date on thy goddamn team
You know the guy I'm talking about--he's recognizable by the two DL or IR players in his starting lineup. Maybe he drafted his team and forgot to check it. Maybe he started off 0-4 and his give-a-shit just broke down. Maybe he has an IQ of 40 and forgot the password for his account. No matter the reason, two things will ALWAYS hold steady with these guys, regardless of anything else:
1. They will always have at least 1, sometimes as many as 4, EXTREMELY valuable players on their team. Just enough to keep the threat that one of these guys could light it up on a given week and humiliate the shit out of you.
2. Because this team is stranded in no-man's land, every valuable commodity on their team is off the trading block. Bad times all around.
V. Thou shalt not compromise the integrity of the league by colluding with other owners
It's no coincidence that I made this one the fifth commandment. This is basically the fantasy equivalent of "Thou shalt not murder." It's dirty, slimy, low, and utterly contrary to the competitive spirit of the game. Yet, it still happens. More often than you think. Including in our fledgling fantasy football league during it's first year. Here's the story:
Ten team league, only four make the playoffs.* I was the only high school sophomore in the league, there were three seniors, and the rest were juniors. I was in the same group of friends as all the juniors--we all knew the three seniors, but weren't generally running buddies with any of them. Three weeks til the end of the year, trade deadline comes up. One of the seniors is battling for the 4th seed in the playoffs, the other two are mathematically eliminated. All of a sudden, the two who are out of contention each lopsidedly trade all of their stars to the third for all of his scrubs. Our league used the "vote on trade" feature at the time,** and we needed 6 of 10 votes to overturn it. Those three didn't veto it, one of our guys had long since abandoned his team, and another one of our guys didn't log in midweek and missed the boat on vetoing it. So both trades went through.
To be fair, our commissioner at the time (my buddy Pat) handled the situation about as well as was humanly possible: he nullified the trades, locked the rosters of the two gutting teams (my idea, something he vehemently reminded everyone after the backlash arose), and basically said "fuck you" to all three when they complained. Though the last guy managed to get into the playoffs in the seediest way possible (he played one of his cohorts in the final week of the season, and the guy started Doug Flutie and nobody else to take a dive), he lost in the first round and I trounced him in what might have been the most heated consolation game in fantasy history.
Two morals here:
1. To date, I regard that consolation game win as the highlight of my fantasy career. Better than any random Internet league I've won. Better than my three-championship-games-in-four-years streak. Better than cruising to a 40-game regular season title my rookie year in fantasy baseball, and sweeping through the playoffs without losing a single hitting matchup. Better than the Jermaine Dye-for-Ichiro coup that got me there (this was Ichiro's rookie year, and NOBODY knew what to expect). The fact that I took out the cheater trumps it all. Unless I can pull off a victory this weekend.
2. The three guys involved were not asked back to the league the next year, making them three of four to meet that requirement (the fourth guy violated the First Commandment two years in a row). It takes a lot to not get asked back.
*Exhibit A in the "You Guys Were Asking For Collusion" defense. Regardless of league size, any playoffs of less than three rounds are not nearly as fun. And having a large playoffs pretty much eliminates any payoff to collusion which, in my mind, completely overwhelms any argument against it.
*Exhibit B. As Kent Brockman once said, "Democracy. Doesn't. Work." We used this setup in all leagues through 2007, when it got out of control in our baseball season. Nobody could make any trades--as long as a rival was being helped, people would veto the trade. We considered forming a three-or-five man committee outside the league to review trades, but eventually decided on letting the commissioner do it. I run our football leagues and my buddy Tyler runs all of our baseball leagues, and we both maintain the same school of though on the veto process (namely, "Allow it if it's unfair because of an owner's stupidity, veto it if it's unfair because of collusion"). And it works.
VI. Thou shalt give thy team a hilariously dirty name
This one is getting it's own column at some point in the near future. I rate names on a 4-star scale.
0-star = Anything generic. "Ron's Sluggers," "Tommy's Bonecrusherz," etc. Grow a brain and come back later.
1-star = Something either funny, related to your team, or topical, but not combining any of the above. When I had LaDanian Tomlinson two years in a row, I went with LT=FootballJesus.* Serviceable, but not spectacular.
2-star = Something funny in a dirty way, funny and related to your team, or funny and topical. My buddy Tim's baseball team a few years ago (The Smashing Blumpkins) qualifies. Also, any 3-star name that has been beaten into the ground falls here as well, such as "Tiger's Wood" for any team at this point.
3-star = A two-star with another element added. (Funny/Dirty/Team, or Funny/Dirty/Topical, or Dirty/Team/Topical). Example: several years ago, I had Casey Kotchman as my first baseman, and named my team Casey Crotchman. Simple, yet effective.
4-star = Anything that combines all four elements of a great team name, or a particularly enjoyable 3-star. Also, any 3-star that employs multiple players from your team goes here. My two keeper league baseball teams? Snakes on John Maine and Byrnes when I Peavy. Top that, bitches.
*This was before Adrian Peterson came to the NFL, and before anyone had ever thought about "Purple Jesus." Today? That team name would never fly.
VII. Thou shalt not try to force awful trades down the throats of thy fellow owners
Here's my theory: you get one offer, and 90 seconds of argument to win me over on a trade offer. If I rebuke it for a specific reason, you can argue the merits of that reason once. But the argument cannot reach a standstill. If it does, you need to accept the fact that you can't make me think like you do, and move on. I know I need speed--it doesn't make your Willy Taveras for Dan Haren offer any more appetizing.
(Also, if you are doing this merely through offers on the league website, you get one offer and that's it. I'm not going to give you Aaron Rodgers just so you'll stop annoying me with trade requests. So stop wasting both of our time.)
VIII. Thou shalt not be a Clock Nazi
We all know the guy. If we're doing the draft in someone's basement, he's badgering people to have lists ready and be set to pick right away. If we're doing it online, he's complaining every time the clock takes more than one minute. And if we're doing it long-term over a few months by e-mail or message board, don't start a federal case if I don't drop what I'm doing to log on and pick. If the commissioner isn't running the league out of the short bus, he's going to make sure that there is zero chance of the draft running into the season. Meanwhile, don't get your panties in a wad--just slow down and enjoy the process.
(For the record, one of the other guys in my now-drafting keeper league was notoriously bad at this for about 8 rounds, to the point that I had to call him out on our board. This constituted the other 5% of drama not started by the guy mentioned under the 3rd commandment. And gave him a platform to chime in on--namely, that waiting longer than 15 minutes to pick was an insult to everyone else in the league somehow, as even those arguing against my "I can take as much time as I want as long as I don't max out the clock" point rolled their eyes. The lesson, as always? Don't feed the trolls.)
IX. Thou shalt serve the office of Commissioner faithfully and honorably
Not all that hard. Don't cheat for yourself or your friends, don't fudge any rosters, don't veto any trades for selfish reasons, don't NOT veto any trades in which you are involved in collusion, don't kick anyone out without a very valid reason, etc. Simple, yet it needs to be mentioned.
X. Thou shalt have at least a basic grasp of thy sport before attempting to join a Fantasy league
Just because Yahoo offers Fantasy Golf, Fantasy NASCAR, Fantasy Formula 1, and Fantasy Mexican League Soccer doesn't mean that I should play them. The same goes for you. I've long maintained that the Simple Fan Test should be used here: basically the way it works, if you can lucidly explain the overtime rules and regulations of a given sport, you can consider yourself a fan of it.
And that's that. There are your commandments, my people. Live them, love them, never forget them. And have a Merry Christmas, goddamnit.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe presents The Your Name Here NFL Power Rankings: Week 13 Edition (Part II)
We've muddled through the wreckage of the dregs of the worst of the NFL. Now, on to the teams you might have a chance of seeing come January.
And you know what's the catch? Outside of two of them, and you DEFINITELY can guess which two, each one is critically flawed in some way or another. Ten weeks ago, I wrote this:
The Flawed Contenders Division
14. Atlanta
Positives: No glaring holes at any position. Tony Gonzalez, who has always been an X-factor, and is in the hunt for the playoffs for pretty much the first time since he was a college basketball player. They're offense is balanced.
Negatives: They can't stop anyone (defense ranks 23rd in points, 28th in total yards, 29th in pass yards, 23rd in rush yards), their starting running back is hurt, their starting quarterback is hurt and his backup ranges from "shaky" to "a goldmine to bet against."
What it all means: They're not that good. Especially if Ryan doesn't come back. But with remaining games against the Jets, Bills and Suckaneers after getting shellacked by New Orleans this weekend? You still can't count them out.
13. Baltimore
Positives: Offense is young and supremely talented. Ray Lewis absolutely scares the bejeezus out of every running back in the league. Their offensive line is very good. Their remaining opponents are the Bears, Lions, Steelers and Raiders--they could very easily sweep that stretch. Ray Rice is absolutely filthy--the best-kept secret in the league is getting out in a hurry.
Negatives: The pass defense has been suspect. Flacco isn't as accurate as you'd want--he's not Jamarcus bad, but he's good for two or three head-scratchers a game. Terell Suggs is hurt. Billy Cundiff is, for lack of a better description, not good. As talented as they are, they just can't seem to put it all together.
What it all means: Against that schedule, they should go 4-0 without much difficulty. But for some reason, they won't. They've got the parts of an elite team, they just aren't sure how to assemble those parts. I'm beginning to suspect that Jim Harbaugh is overmatched as an NFL head coach.
12. New York Giants
Positives: They've got playoff experience. Save for the WRs, they're all the same Giants you've come to know and love the past few years. The offense is top-10 in every way. The defense is barely allowing 300 yards per game.
Negatives: The defense is also ranked 25th in the NFL in points per game. Brandon Jacobs and Eli Manning both are having off years. Minnesota in Week 17. They've been ridiculously bad a few times this year.
What it all means: Remaining schedule: Philly, Washington, Carolina, Minnesota. If they don't beat the Iggles, you can pretty much write them off. Also, Carolina in Week 16 feels like a classic Trap Game--the Giants are looking ahead to Minnesota, Carolina's running backs brutalize the Giants, Manning throws a few killer picks, and the entire state of New Jersey goes into catatonic shock. Mark my words.
The Enigma Wrapped Inside A Riddle Division
11. Denver
Positives: Feel-good team of the year. Nobody can cover Brandon Marshall, who is suddenly in a great mood. Their defense is simply filthy (third in the league both by points and yards). Josh McDaniels seems to know what he's doing.
Negatives: Kyle Orton and his Hand That Rocks the Cradle beard are still at the helm. Knowshon Moreno has never heard of something called "consistency"--he either looks like the stud he was in college, or he looks like the second coming of Chicago Cedric Benson. Implosions are as much a December tradition for this team as trees, presents, and Santa. Indy and Philly, both on the road, mean they could easily finish 2-2.
What it all means: I have no idea with them. McDaniels could hold them together. Orton and Moreno could combine to murder them. For gambling purposes, I'm legitimately scared of them, in both a good and bad way.
10. New England
Positives: If I have to outline this, you haven't been watching football the past 10 years.
Negatives: Bill Belicheck seems to be unraveling--both in his coaching decisions, and in how he holds sway over his team. They can't run against good teams. This is not the same defense of the dynasty years.
What it all means: They've got remaining games against Carolina, Buffalo, Jacksonville, and Houston. And the inside track to the division, with Bad 'Stache Sanchez and company the best competition. They'll make the playoffs. Whether they'll do much more than that, however, remains to be seen.
9. Dallas
Positives: Stastically dominant offense. Defense bends, but doesn't break. On paper, these guys should be really, really good.
Negatives: The games aren't played on paper. Tony Romo is historically bad enough in December that the Football Gods would explode the Earth before allowing him on Denver's roster. Wade Phillips is just as bad, if not worse. Still have San Diego, New Orleans, and Philly on the schedule--the Philly game could be rendered irrelevant after the first two.
What it all means: They'll find a way to piss it all away. They always do.
8. Arizona
Positives: They're peaking at the right time. Their division compares most favorably to the Dumpster behind your neighborhood grocery store. Their receiving corps can't be covered. Kurt Warner has been there, and done that. Twice. Detroit and St. Louis pretty much give them guaranteed wins in Weeks 15 and 16.
Negatives: Their defense is as shreddable as pictures of you with decapitated hookers. The running game doesn't inspire much confidence. They got waay too lucky last year to do it again.
What it all means: They're in the same boat as the Patriots--they do some things very well, some other things not at all; they're going to be VERY overrated by a lot of people coming into the playoffs soley based on experience; they WILL be there because, well, someone's gotta represent their divisions; and they will not make it far once they get there because, well, they're not all that great this year.
7. Green Bay
Positives: The roster is stacked. The offense is balanced and good. The defense is playing better than anyone else right now--and have consistently been the best in the league at forcing turnovers. They're peaking at exactly the right time.
Negatives: Aaron Rodgers has never played a playoff game. The defense is banged up. The offensive line put on a historically bad performance for half a season, and if they revert to that form this team is going nowhere. Mike McCarthy is very quietly a possible choking point for them. Minnesota's presence means they'll have to play on the road in January. Probably in Minnesota if they can beat Arizona or Whoever Wins the East. And Minnesota made them look bad twice.
What it all means: I really hope this is the year. I hope the offense is for real. I hope the line can hold together. I hope Rodgers can will himself to outplaying Favre when it counts. I hope the defense can will themselves to outplaying Favre when it counts. I legitimately can hope for all of those things, which is a lot better than could be said the last time I did these Power Rankings. But "possibly" doesn't mean "will."
The Dark Horses Division
6. Philadelphia
Positives: They have no glaring weaknesses. They're still the favorites in the East despite surviving the Kevin Kolb Era. 2-0 so far against DAL and NYG with a game against each remaining, so they control their own destiny.
Negatives: Hey, it's not like McNabb is known for getting the yips in the playoffs, right? They control their own destiny, but also could shoot themselves in the foot if they don't beat at least one of those teams--on the road, mind you. The other games (home agaisnt SF and DEN) are hardly picnics. Without Brian Westbrook, the running game has been very spotty.
What it all means: I think they pull out the division. Their "dark horse" status hinges on Westbrook returning healthy for the playoffs. Their defense is good enough to take them places--if McNabb can avoid the dry heaves.
5. Cincinatti
Positives: The division is pretty much locked up. Cedric Benson is the best comeback player since Kurt Warner. Despite the attitude, Chad Ochocinco is one of the most driven players and best leaders in the league. They've stayed healthy all season.
Negatives: The last time they were in this position, the Steelers eked into the playoffs and shattered their dreams along with Carson Palmer's ACL. They're still the Bengals, and that's worth a mention here. They have games remaining against Minnesota and San Diego--ruh roh.
What it all means: Regardless of how it turns out, this team is the feel-good story of the year. As opposed to two years ago, when they were the jail-good story of the year.
The "History's Not On Their Side" Division
4. Minnesota
Positives: Best offensive line in football. Best defensive line in football. Their quarterback knows how to win. Percy Harvin's kick-return skills could swing a playoff game or two. And oh, by the way, their running back is the best player in all of football.
Negatives: Favre hasn't exactly been Mr. January (or December, for that matter) this decade. Peterson coughs up the ball too much. Their pass defense is very quitely subpar (21st in the league). They looked very beatable against Arizona last week--this is NOT the time to be regressing. Favre is way overdue to blow a game--not a good thing heading into the playoffs.
What it all means: Take it from someone who let Aging Favre sucker him in during 2007: this will NOT end well. There are way too many things that can go wrong with these guys to consider them the team to beat.
3. San Diego
Positives: Peaking at the right time, and riding high at this point. Phillip Rivers is an absolute stud. Cromartie and Jammer are tough to throw against. Darren Sproles is an X-factor in the return game.
Negatives: LaDanian Tomlinson's face is still running on milk cartons. They can't stop the run. Norv Turner always finds a way to kill his teams. They seriously have zero run game.
What it all means: Ignore your friend who is betting on them to finally pull through this year. They're a sexy pick, as on fire as they've been, but with the right matchup and line you could make a killing betting against them in the Divisional round.
The Clear-Cut Favorites Division
2. Indianapolis
Positives: Peyton Manning is a straight-up assassin at this point in his career. Reggie Wayne is the best wideout in football. They can pass and score at will. They're outscoring opponents by an unheard-of 11 points per game.
Negatives: They can't run the ball. Their defense gives up a lot of yards. They haven't really been tested in any close games this year. Really, that's all I've got.
What it all means: They're simply unstoppable. I don't see anyone in the AFC who can beat them.
1. New Orleans
Positives: Drew Brees and Manning are head and shoulders above everyone else. Their rushing attack is surprisingly potent (5th in the league). They've won pretty, they've won ugly, they've won blowouts, they've won coming from behind, they've won nail-biters--this team can win in every way imaginable.
Negatives: Their defense ranks 18th overall in the league. They're dealing with some injuries. They have zero playoff experience. They've let some inferior teams walk on them early in games, before bouncing back--that trick won't work with Minnesota, Philly, Green Bay or (God forbid) Indy.
What it all means: They're one of two picks you can reasonably make to win it all. And I'm saying they do.
Let the bitching and moaning commence.
And you know what's the catch? Outside of two of them, and you DEFINITELY can guess which two, each one is critically flawed in some way or another. Ten weeks ago, I wrote this:
The result of the salary cap and the heavy push towards parity in the NFL is that, fairly frequently, you get a league full of teams ranging from "putrid" to "good." It's not hard to be putrid if you're too stupid to know what you're doing (see Millen, Matt). It's VERY, VERY hard in the current NFL to be any better than "good" for an extended period of time. As a result, you see seasons like this one, in which there is no marquee team. Let's break it down:Today? A lot of it still holds water. Though several of those teams took the plunge to the First Half of the rankings (hint: if you're counting something down, you never want to be in the First Half), the facts still remain: what is coming is an overview of the teams who might be making the playoffs, and for the majority of this overview we will be focusing on a lot of negatives. So let's break each team down into positives, negatives, and what it all means.
New Orleans--can't play defense
Baltimore--too inexperienced, defense is aging
Indianapolis--suspect defense, inexperienced WRs, no depth
NY Giants--Manning is the only skill guy on offense I'd put above "role player"
Denver--quarterbacked by Kyle Orton and his "Hand That Rocks The Cradle" beard, head coach is 33 years old
Cincinnati--they're the fucking Bengals, do I need to go into specifics about why you should doubt them?
Minnesota--QB is 40 and interception-prone, WRs are inexperienced, average defense
NY Jets--rookie QB (never a good sign for a playoff run), no dominant rushing attack to take the focus off of said rookie QB
Atlanta--too inexperienced
San Diego--coached by Norv Turner
Green Bay--can't block anyone, defense is inconsistent
Dallas--QB disappears in the clutch, coached by Wade Phillips
New England--QB coming off of major knee surgery, defense is not as good as you think it is, zero rushing game
Chicago--no WRs, defensive captain is on IR
That's my top 14, and if you read just that list, it might as well be my bottom 14. There is no clear-cut favorite this year.
The Flawed Contenders Division
14. Atlanta
Positives: No glaring holes at any position. Tony Gonzalez, who has always been an X-factor, and is in the hunt for the playoffs for pretty much the first time since he was a college basketball player. They're offense is balanced.
Negatives: They can't stop anyone (defense ranks 23rd in points, 28th in total yards, 29th in pass yards, 23rd in rush yards), their starting running back is hurt, their starting quarterback is hurt and his backup ranges from "shaky" to "a goldmine to bet against."
What it all means: They're not that good. Especially if Ryan doesn't come back. But with remaining games against the Jets, Bills and Suckaneers after getting shellacked by New Orleans this weekend? You still can't count them out.
13. Baltimore
Positives: Offense is young and supremely talented. Ray Lewis absolutely scares the bejeezus out of every running back in the league. Their offensive line is very good. Their remaining opponents are the Bears, Lions, Steelers and Raiders--they could very easily sweep that stretch. Ray Rice is absolutely filthy--the best-kept secret in the league is getting out in a hurry.
Negatives: The pass defense has been suspect. Flacco isn't as accurate as you'd want--he's not Jamarcus bad, but he's good for two or three head-scratchers a game. Terell Suggs is hurt. Billy Cundiff is, for lack of a better description, not good. As talented as they are, they just can't seem to put it all together.
What it all means: Against that schedule, they should go 4-0 without much difficulty. But for some reason, they won't. They've got the parts of an elite team, they just aren't sure how to assemble those parts. I'm beginning to suspect that Jim Harbaugh is overmatched as an NFL head coach.
12. New York Giants
Positives: They've got playoff experience. Save for the WRs, they're all the same Giants you've come to know and love the past few years. The offense is top-10 in every way. The defense is barely allowing 300 yards per game.
Negatives: The defense is also ranked 25th in the NFL in points per game. Brandon Jacobs and Eli Manning both are having off years. Minnesota in Week 17. They've been ridiculously bad a few times this year.
What it all means: Remaining schedule: Philly, Washington, Carolina, Minnesota. If they don't beat the Iggles, you can pretty much write them off. Also, Carolina in Week 16 feels like a classic Trap Game--the Giants are looking ahead to Minnesota, Carolina's running backs brutalize the Giants, Manning throws a few killer picks, and the entire state of New Jersey goes into catatonic shock. Mark my words.
The Enigma Wrapped Inside A Riddle Division
11. Denver
Positives: Feel-good team of the year. Nobody can cover Brandon Marshall, who is suddenly in a great mood. Their defense is simply filthy (third in the league both by points and yards). Josh McDaniels seems to know what he's doing.
Negatives: Kyle Orton and his Hand That Rocks the Cradle beard are still at the helm. Knowshon Moreno has never heard of something called "consistency"--he either looks like the stud he was in college, or he looks like the second coming of Chicago Cedric Benson. Implosions are as much a December tradition for this team as trees, presents, and Santa. Indy and Philly, both on the road, mean they could easily finish 2-2.
What it all means: I have no idea with them. McDaniels could hold them together. Orton and Moreno could combine to murder them. For gambling purposes, I'm legitimately scared of them, in both a good and bad way.
10. New England
Positives: If I have to outline this, you haven't been watching football the past 10 years.
Negatives: Bill Belicheck seems to be unraveling--both in his coaching decisions, and in how he holds sway over his team. They can't run against good teams. This is not the same defense of the dynasty years.
What it all means: They've got remaining games against Carolina, Buffalo, Jacksonville, and Houston. And the inside track to the division, with Bad 'Stache Sanchez and company the best competition. They'll make the playoffs. Whether they'll do much more than that, however, remains to be seen.
9. Dallas
Positives: Stastically dominant offense. Defense bends, but doesn't break. On paper, these guys should be really, really good.
Negatives: The games aren't played on paper. Tony Romo is historically bad enough in December that the Football Gods would explode the Earth before allowing him on Denver's roster. Wade Phillips is just as bad, if not worse. Still have San Diego, New Orleans, and Philly on the schedule--the Philly game could be rendered irrelevant after the first two.
What it all means: They'll find a way to piss it all away. They always do.
8. Arizona
Positives: They're peaking at the right time. Their division compares most favorably to the Dumpster behind your neighborhood grocery store. Their receiving corps can't be covered. Kurt Warner has been there, and done that. Twice. Detroit and St. Louis pretty much give them guaranteed wins in Weeks 15 and 16.
Negatives: Their defense is as shreddable as pictures of you with decapitated hookers. The running game doesn't inspire much confidence. They got waay too lucky last year to do it again.
What it all means: They're in the same boat as the Patriots--they do some things very well, some other things not at all; they're going to be VERY overrated by a lot of people coming into the playoffs soley based on experience; they WILL be there because, well, someone's gotta represent their divisions; and they will not make it far once they get there because, well, they're not all that great this year.
7. Green Bay
Positives: The roster is stacked. The offense is balanced and good. The defense is playing better than anyone else right now--and have consistently been the best in the league at forcing turnovers. They're peaking at exactly the right time.
Negatives: Aaron Rodgers has never played a playoff game. The defense is banged up. The offensive line put on a historically bad performance for half a season, and if they revert to that form this team is going nowhere. Mike McCarthy is very quietly a possible choking point for them. Minnesota's presence means they'll have to play on the road in January. Probably in Minnesota if they can beat Arizona or Whoever Wins the East. And Minnesota made them look bad twice.
What it all means: I really hope this is the year. I hope the offense is for real. I hope the line can hold together. I hope Rodgers can will himself to outplaying Favre when it counts. I hope the defense can will themselves to outplaying Favre when it counts. I legitimately can hope for all of those things, which is a lot better than could be said the last time I did these Power Rankings. But "possibly" doesn't mean "will."
The Dark Horses Division
6. Philadelphia
Positives: They have no glaring weaknesses. They're still the favorites in the East despite surviving the Kevin Kolb Era. 2-0 so far against DAL and NYG with a game against each remaining, so they control their own destiny.
Negatives: Hey, it's not like McNabb is known for getting the yips in the playoffs, right? They control their own destiny, but also could shoot themselves in the foot if they don't beat at least one of those teams--on the road, mind you. The other games (home agaisnt SF and DEN) are hardly picnics. Without Brian Westbrook, the running game has been very spotty.
What it all means: I think they pull out the division. Their "dark horse" status hinges on Westbrook returning healthy for the playoffs. Their defense is good enough to take them places--if McNabb can avoid the dry heaves.
5. Cincinatti
Positives: The division is pretty much locked up. Cedric Benson is the best comeback player since Kurt Warner. Despite the attitude, Chad Ochocinco is one of the most driven players and best leaders in the league. They've stayed healthy all season.
Negatives: The last time they were in this position, the Steelers eked into the playoffs and shattered their dreams along with Carson Palmer's ACL. They're still the Bengals, and that's worth a mention here. They have games remaining against Minnesota and San Diego--ruh roh.
What it all means: Regardless of how it turns out, this team is the feel-good story of the year. As opposed to two years ago, when they were the jail-good story of the year.
The "History's Not On Their Side" Division
4. Minnesota
Positives: Best offensive line in football. Best defensive line in football. Their quarterback knows how to win. Percy Harvin's kick-return skills could swing a playoff game or two. And oh, by the way, their running back is the best player in all of football.
Negatives: Favre hasn't exactly been Mr. January (or December, for that matter) this decade. Peterson coughs up the ball too much. Their pass defense is very quitely subpar (21st in the league). They looked very beatable against Arizona last week--this is NOT the time to be regressing. Favre is way overdue to blow a game--not a good thing heading into the playoffs.
What it all means: Take it from someone who let Aging Favre sucker him in during 2007: this will NOT end well. There are way too many things that can go wrong with these guys to consider them the team to beat.
3. San Diego
Positives: Peaking at the right time, and riding high at this point. Phillip Rivers is an absolute stud. Cromartie and Jammer are tough to throw against. Darren Sproles is an X-factor in the return game.
Negatives: LaDanian Tomlinson's face is still running on milk cartons. They can't stop the run. Norv Turner always finds a way to kill his teams. They seriously have zero run game.
What it all means: Ignore your friend who is betting on them to finally pull through this year. They're a sexy pick, as on fire as they've been, but with the right matchup and line you could make a killing betting against them in the Divisional round.
The Clear-Cut Favorites Division
2. Indianapolis
Positives: Peyton Manning is a straight-up assassin at this point in his career. Reggie Wayne is the best wideout in football. They can pass and score at will. They're outscoring opponents by an unheard-of 11 points per game.
Negatives: They can't run the ball. Their defense gives up a lot of yards. They haven't really been tested in any close games this year. Really, that's all I've got.
What it all means: They're simply unstoppable. I don't see anyone in the AFC who can beat them.
1. New Orleans
Positives: Drew Brees and Manning are head and shoulders above everyone else. Their rushing attack is surprisingly potent (5th in the league). They've won pretty, they've won ugly, they've won blowouts, they've won coming from behind, they've won nail-biters--this team can win in every way imaginable.
Negatives: Their defense ranks 18th overall in the league. They're dealing with some injuries. They have zero playoff experience. They've let some inferior teams walk on them early in games, before bouncing back--that trick won't work with Minnesota, Philly, Green Bay or (God forbid) Indy.
What it all means: They're one of two picks you can reasonably make to win it all. And I'm saying they do.
Let the bitching and moaning commence.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe presents The Your Name Here NFL Power Rankings: Week 13 Edition (Part I)
Hopefully, we can get a sponsor for this thing by next year. If you're interested, contact my agent (who, coincidentally enough seeing as how I've made exactly $4.72 as a result of this blog, is myself). In the meantime, this is the last one of these I'm doing before the playoffs. So enjoy.
The Mr. Hankey Division
32. St. Louis
It's not even close. Had Detroit not set futility history a year ago, they'd be in the "Worst of All-Time" discussion. You have to hand it to Steven Jackson. The fact that he hasn't gone on a three-state killing spree at this point is a testament to his will and character.
31. Tampa Bay
Funny how they switch starting quarterbacks, the new guy puts up one or two reasonably decent performances, dupes the fans and media into believing that he's the guy, then falls apart faster than, well, Tiger Woods' credibility? At this point, why not rotate Leftwich, Johnson and Freeman every week? What have you got to lose?
(And for those keeping track at home, that's two Tiger jokes already. And you thought I was more dignified than that.)
30. Cleveland
Where does "Derek Anderson's Agent" rank on the list of "Jobs I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy?" Is it above, or below "Rosie O'Donnell's toilet scrubber," "Chris Brown's Girlfriend," and "Gary Busey's PR Guy?" A question for the ages.
(Worth noting: The Browns moved up from 31 to 30 as a result of beating the Steelers Thursday night. At any point in history, could a 1-11 team beat the defending Super Bowl champion and only move up 1 spot before now? In the words of the grounds crew from the movie Major League, "They're still shitty.")
29. Detroit
A year ago, they were the worst team in the history of the sport. With apologies to the expansion Buccaneers. This year, there are 3 teams worse than them in their season alone. Does this qualify them for Most Improved Team of the Year? Some will say yes--and this speaks more to the awfulness of last year's Hello Kitties than anything else.
28. Oakland
Has any player in any sport, ever, killed his stock as quickly and decisively as Jamarcus Russell? Yes, I know he's the only Oakland player I've talked about pretty much all season long. But the dude deserves the attention for how badly he has sunk. Two years ago he was a potential franchise player, worth $68 million. Now? You couldn't find a team in the league that will take his contract on for free. He's a quarterback who can't throw, which is unfortunate since throwing is the majority of your job as quarterback. You wouldn't hire a secretary who can't type. You wouldn't hire a sniper who can't aim. Why would you draft a quarterback #1 overall who has no sense of aiming the ball? I can understand someone who is below average, with hopes that he will improve. You can move "Needs Improvement" up to "Good,"--see "Rodgers, Aaron." But to draft someone with no talent for it at all, in hopes that he will someday be passable? It's never worked out before. And again, it didn't work out. Stick a fork in his career. He's done.
27. Kansas City
I originally had them in the next division. But upon further review, the "Wait 'Til Next Year!" Division is for teams with youth, promise, and just need it all to develop--wheras the "Mr. Hankey Division" is for teams who are, well, pure shit. Upon further review, KC fits in the second group. They released the only player on their roster ever regarded as All-Pro caliber. They mortgaged their future for a quarterback who, removed from top-shelf surroundings in New England, ranks between Brady Quinn and Marc Bulger for passer rating. All in all, with respect to Herm Edwards, I just don't see how we can build on this.
The "Wait 'Til Next Year" Division
26. Carolina
They've got a respectable defense. They've got a good running game. They've got Steve Smith. And they've got Jake Delhomme and Matt Mooreshooting themselves in the foot cutting both of their feet off. Give them a passable game manager, and they're a contender. Give them a franchise signal-caller, and they're in the NFL's elite.
25. Washington
They were worse than people thought at the beginning of the year, and they're better than people think now. Since their bye week, they've been in every game; and in the past three weeks they lost to Dallas, Philadephia, and New Orleans--a combined 28-8--by a combined 7 points.
24. Buffalo
They finally got rid of Dick Jauron. Which, if nothing else, gives them some semblance of hope for next year. The roster might be a C-, but the coach is no longer an F.
The Terminally Flawed Division
23. Chicago
Jay Cutler is not a franchise quarterback. Franchise quarterbacks win games. Cutler posts gaudy numbers against inferior opponents, andoccasionally frequently cripples his team by throwing to the wrong jersey repeatedly. But they should have Brian Urlacher back next year, and Matt Forte is a year more experienced. So, I guess you can hope.
22. New York Jets
They're not there. If Mark Sanchez cuts the Jay Cutler Memorial "Throw 4 Picks And Cripple My Team" routine out of his repertoire, they're in business. Work on that, Mark, then we'll talk.
(For the record: Rex Ryan has completely turned their defense around. They look good. Not great, but good. He'll turn them into "great" eventually.
21. Seattle
The most boring team in the entire NFL. And they play in the worst division. It's almost criminal. I hate to talk about them for more than four sentences, so let's move on.
20. Houston
They're a team with no stability. Until Matt Schaub can figure out how to not collapse with a fourth-quarter lead, until they can decide between Ryan Moats and Steve Slaton, until their defense can decide if they are all-world or Gawd-awful... they're stuck at #20, in my version of Football Purgatory. We're not talking about a lack of potential. But it's gotta come together at some point.
The Almost-Competent Division
19. San Francisco
They're a contender, purely as a result of the division they play in. And, for the record, let's take a look at the difference between a "very good" running back and a "great" running back:
Very Good Running Back--He keeps his team respectable. He puts up awesome stats, breaks big gains, and gives his fans hope--but, he's unable to carry them over the hump. He can take a mediocre supporting cast and make them appear passable, but not good. See "Gore, Frank."
Great Running Back--He carries his team. He puts up awesome stats, takes over in crunch time, and simply throttles lesser teams. Despite the best efforts of his supporting cast, he is that fucking good that his team is always respectable. With Scott Mitchell and Wayne Fontes doing their best to undermine him, he can single-handedly carry his team to the playoffs. Opponents gameplan for him, disregarding anything the passing game might have to offer. See "Sanders, Barry."
If Gore can carry the Niners to the division, despite the notable handicap of Alex Smith? He at least is sniffing the second category. If not? I'm not so sure.
18. Miami
Chad Henne doesn't look that bad. Ted Ginn Jr., on the other hand, does. He wasn't as bad a pick as Russell, but he's gotta be one of the worst of 2007. So many illogical choices in that draft. Russell over everybody. Ginn over Marshawn Lynch. Adam Carricker over Darelle Revis. Stunning.
17. Pittsburgh
These guys were at 13 until the Browns beat them. As it stands? Five and a row, and they need to win out to make the playoffs--maybe. The rest of the middle of the AFC just chest-bumped each other.
16. Tennessee
Perhaps the definitive "day late and a dollar short" team of the decade. What happens if they start Vince Young from Day One? They're top 10 at least, right, if not top 5? Does anyone want to play them at this point?
15. Jacksonville
They're a rich man's version of Seattle--a kinda-sorta okay football team that doesn't really excite anyone. Yet, they're 7-5 and looking at a possible playoff game, despite being so plain-vanilla that their own fans won't even come out to watch them. I say the Football Gods smite them down the stretch, justifying this low ranking.
Coming this afternoon... Part II
The Mr. Hankey Division
32. St. Louis
It's not even close. Had Detroit not set futility history a year ago, they'd be in the "Worst of All-Time" discussion. You have to hand it to Steven Jackson. The fact that he hasn't gone on a three-state killing spree at this point is a testament to his will and character.
31. Tampa Bay
Funny how they switch starting quarterbacks, the new guy puts up one or two reasonably decent performances, dupes the fans and media into believing that he's the guy, then falls apart faster than, well, Tiger Woods' credibility? At this point, why not rotate Leftwich, Johnson and Freeman every week? What have you got to lose?
(And for those keeping track at home, that's two Tiger jokes already. And you thought I was more dignified than that.)
30. Cleveland
Where does "Derek Anderson's Agent" rank on the list of "Jobs I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy?" Is it above, or below "Rosie O'Donnell's toilet scrubber," "Chris Brown's Girlfriend," and "Gary Busey's PR Guy?" A question for the ages.
(Worth noting: The Browns moved up from 31 to 30 as a result of beating the Steelers Thursday night. At any point in history, could a 1-11 team beat the defending Super Bowl champion and only move up 1 spot before now? In the words of the grounds crew from the movie Major League, "They're still shitty.")
29. Detroit
A year ago, they were the worst team in the history of the sport. With apologies to the expansion Buccaneers. This year, there are 3 teams worse than them in their season alone. Does this qualify them for Most Improved Team of the Year? Some will say yes--and this speaks more to the awfulness of last year's Hello Kitties than anything else.
28. Oakland
Has any player in any sport, ever, killed his stock as quickly and decisively as Jamarcus Russell? Yes, I know he's the only Oakland player I've talked about pretty much all season long. But the dude deserves the attention for how badly he has sunk. Two years ago he was a potential franchise player, worth $68 million. Now? You couldn't find a team in the league that will take his contract on for free. He's a quarterback who can't throw, which is unfortunate since throwing is the majority of your job as quarterback. You wouldn't hire a secretary who can't type. You wouldn't hire a sniper who can't aim. Why would you draft a quarterback #1 overall who has no sense of aiming the ball? I can understand someone who is below average, with hopes that he will improve. You can move "Needs Improvement" up to "Good,"--see "Rodgers, Aaron." But to draft someone with no talent for it at all, in hopes that he will someday be passable? It's never worked out before. And again, it didn't work out. Stick a fork in his career. He's done.
27. Kansas City
I originally had them in the next division. But upon further review, the "Wait 'Til Next Year!" Division is for teams with youth, promise, and just need it all to develop--wheras the "Mr. Hankey Division" is for teams who are, well, pure shit. Upon further review, KC fits in the second group. They released the only player on their roster ever regarded as All-Pro caliber. They mortgaged their future for a quarterback who, removed from top-shelf surroundings in New England, ranks between Brady Quinn and Marc Bulger for passer rating. All in all, with respect to Herm Edwards, I just don't see how we can build on this.
The "Wait 'Til Next Year" Division
26. Carolina
They've got a respectable defense. They've got a good running game. They've got Steve Smith. And they've got Jake Delhomme and Matt Moore
25. Washington
They were worse than people thought at the beginning of the year, and they're better than people think now. Since their bye week, they've been in every game; and in the past three weeks they lost to Dallas, Philadephia, and New Orleans--a combined 28-8--by a combined 7 points.
24. Buffalo
They finally got rid of Dick Jauron. Which, if nothing else, gives them some semblance of hope for next year. The roster might be a C-, but the coach is no longer an F.
The Terminally Flawed Division
23. Chicago
Jay Cutler is not a franchise quarterback. Franchise quarterbacks win games. Cutler posts gaudy numbers against inferior opponents, and
22. New York Jets
They're not there. If Mark Sanchez cuts the Jay Cutler Memorial "Throw 4 Picks And Cripple My Team" routine out of his repertoire, they're in business. Work on that, Mark, then we'll talk.
(For the record: Rex Ryan has completely turned their defense around. They look good. Not great, but good. He'll turn them into "great" eventually.
21. Seattle
The most boring team in the entire NFL. And they play in the worst division. It's almost criminal. I hate to talk about them for more than four sentences, so let's move on.
20. Houston
They're a team with no stability. Until Matt Schaub can figure out how to not collapse with a fourth-quarter lead, until they can decide between Ryan Moats and Steve Slaton, until their defense can decide if they are all-world or Gawd-awful... they're stuck at #20, in my version of Football Purgatory. We're not talking about a lack of potential. But it's gotta come together at some point.
The Almost-Competent Division
19. San Francisco
They're a contender, purely as a result of the division they play in. And, for the record, let's take a look at the difference between a "very good" running back and a "great" running back:
Very Good Running Back--He keeps his team respectable. He puts up awesome stats, breaks big gains, and gives his fans hope--but, he's unable to carry them over the hump. He can take a mediocre supporting cast and make them appear passable, but not good. See "Gore, Frank."
Great Running Back--He carries his team. He puts up awesome stats, takes over in crunch time, and simply throttles lesser teams. Despite the best efforts of his supporting cast, he is that fucking good that his team is always respectable. With Scott Mitchell and Wayne Fontes doing their best to undermine him, he can single-handedly carry his team to the playoffs. Opponents gameplan for him, disregarding anything the passing game might have to offer. See "Sanders, Barry."
If Gore can carry the Niners to the division, despite the notable handicap of Alex Smith? He at least is sniffing the second category. If not? I'm not so sure.
18. Miami
Chad Henne doesn't look that bad. Ted Ginn Jr., on the other hand, does. He wasn't as bad a pick as Russell, but he's gotta be one of the worst of 2007. So many illogical choices in that draft. Russell over everybody. Ginn over Marshawn Lynch. Adam Carricker over Darelle Revis. Stunning.
17. Pittsburgh
These guys were at 13 until the Browns beat them. As it stands? Five and a row, and they need to win out to make the playoffs--maybe. The rest of the middle of the AFC just chest-bumped each other.
16. Tennessee
Perhaps the definitive "day late and a dollar short" team of the decade. What happens if they start Vince Young from Day One? They're top 10 at least, right, if not top 5? Does anyone want to play them at this point?
15. Jacksonville
They're a rich man's version of Seattle--a kinda-sorta okay football team that doesn't really excite anyone. Yet, they're 7-5 and looking at a possible playoff game, despite being so plain-vanilla that their own fans won't even come out to watch them. I say the Football Gods smite them down the stretch, justifying this low ranking.
Coming this afternoon... Part II
Monday, December 7, 2009
The Pointless Hypotheticals Division presents: A Far Superior Alternative to the BCMess
Today's long-ass piece starts off with a few statements of fact:
1. The bowl pairings were released yesterday.
2. Nobody really likes the bowl system all that much.
3. The NCAA Basketball tournament is the most fun event of the sporting world.
4. I'm a sports nerd, and love "What If" questions.
5. I'm finishing up my laundry, and a typical Wisconsin December (read: cold and snow, interspersed with occasional snow and cold) combined with me being too dirt poor to afford a car means that going anywhere outside is generally not a good idea.
Combine these, and what do you get?
1. The football people at the NCAA should pull their heads out of their asses and switch to a playoff system.
2. Since #1 isn't going to happen, and I have nothing better to do until Monday Night Football, I took the liberty of designing my own version.
Here's the basic concepts of my system: For one, it's 32 teams, divided into 4 regions of 8 teams. Which seems like a fair number. You get pretty much the entire Top 25 in there, plus a few stragglers. Plus, the five-round setup means that the schedule would go like this:
1st Round: Dec 12 (at the home stadium of the higher seed)
2nd Round: Dec 19 (at a neutral site)
Regional Final: Dec 26 (at the same neutral site as last week's game--probably, the 4 existing BCS bowls could each host a regional)
National Semifinals: January 1/2 (at another neutral site)
National Championship: January 9 (same site as last week)
There you go. Everything fits in the schedule, and one of the main arguments against a playoff system (it makes the season too long!) gets blown out of the water. Guess when this year's championship game is, sans playoff? January 7. Yep, we just extended the season by two games. I'm shocked the world isn't ending.
(As an aside, the other two arguments against a playoff hold no water as well. A 17-game schedule is too grueling? When these guys get to the NFL, they'll be playing at least 16 games. And none of those games will be against Louisiana-Monroe, Wyoming, UTEP, or UCF--Texas's actual non-conference schedule this year. The every-week schedule through December will distract students during finals? Any more than daily practices do for the several dozen bowl-bound teams? If anything, you're looking at fewer teams getting distracted: 16 teams will be playing after finals week, as opposed to the 66 that currently do.)
Another fun catch: every conference champion gets in. Which means jack shit for Alabama, Georgia Tech, or Oregon--who would've been here anyway. But also means that East Carolina and Troy have a bite at the apple. Okay, not much of one. But still.
Taking this idea, I ran with it. Take the BCS rankings, use them to fill out the seedings as best as possible, and fill in the last few with ESPN's power rankings. Tweak them where needed for extreme regional purposes and to make sure you have no in-conference first-round matchups, and you're set to go.
Here's what the playoffs would look like:
#1 Seeds: Alabama (East), Texas (South), Cincy (Midwest), TCU (West)
Regional pairings: East vs. West, South vs. Midwest
Midwest Region:
1 Cincinatti
2 Ohio State
3 Iowa
4 Penn State
5 Oklahoma State
6 Utah
7 Central Michigan
8 East Carolina
Notes on the region: The 7 seeds ended up a bit screwy (I originally had Northwestern here, but had to move them so they weren't playing Ohio State in the first round), but other than that everything fell into place. A couple great first round matchups: Ohio State-Central Michigan would be a lot closer than people think, and Penn State-Oklahoma State would be a thriller. A possible Ohio State-Iowa rematch in the second round, and a possible Ohio Bowl between OSU and Cincy for the regional final all look great--if Terelle Pryor doesn't self-destruct, like he is wont to do. And there will be opportunities for it--Central Michigan is one of the most underrated teams in the country (they played Arizona damn close, and beat Michigan State in a memorable game early in the year); and Iowa took them to overtime.
Picks: Cincy, OSU, Iowa, and OK State advance. Iowa over Cincy in the final.
West:
1 TCU
2 Oregon
3 LSU
4 BYU
5 Oregon State
6 Stanford
7 Northwestern
8 Texas Tech
Notes: TCU smoked BYU in their regular season matchup. Love the Stanford-LSU upset potential--and that opens the door for Oregon having to face their only conference loss in the 2nd round. Also love TCU-Texas Tech in the first round. He'll, these all look like they could be competitive. And it's not like that's exciting or anything.
Picks: TCU, Oregon, Stanford, BYU advance. TCU over Stanford in the final.
East:
1 Alabama
2 Boise State
3 Virginia Tech
4 Miami
5 West Virginia
6 Wisconsin
7 Clemson
8 North Carolina
Notes: Alabama gets lumped in with a large number of vagabonds. The 4 through 7 seeds were all moved due to matchup or regional problems. West Virginia graded out the last 4 seed originally, but would've been playing Pitt in the first round. Wisconsin was bumped up to avoid USC playing in the East. Boise State got shafted by the BCS, but they graded out as the second-best 2-seed, so I couldn't justify dropping them--so, to mimic the BCS screwing them over, I stuck them in the East. And put them against Clemson--a frisky team that probably is a lot better than their 7 ranking indicates. None of the underdogs are taking down Bama, but the rest of the bracket would be entertaining as all hell.
Picks: Bama, Boise, Wisconsin and Miami advance. Bama slaughters Boise in the final.
South:
1 Texas
2 Florida
3 Georgia Tech
4 Pitt
5 Arizona
6 Nebraska
7 USC
8 Troy
Notes: Pitt was a high 5 that benefitted from a would've-been first-round date with a conference team. USC was a low 6 that was hurt by the regional shake-up. GA Tech-Nebraska might be the most entertaining 1st-round matchup on the list: I absolutely love both teams. This region is stacked. Florida-USC? Thanks for playing, Matt Barkley. You can pick up your consolation prize on the way out, and don't forget to use this four-pick performance as motivation during the off-season. The spread for Texas-Troy might top 50 points. Tebow vs. McCoy with a regional championship on the line? That blows any drama during a pre-New Years bowl game out of the water.
Picks: Texas, Florida, Nebraska, Arizona. Florida over Texas in an instant classic.
Final Four: #1 Alabama vs. #1 TCU; #3 Iowa vs. #2 Florida.
Notes/Picks: A lot of people thought TCU should play Bama for the national title. They'll get their shot here. I think it's a classic, I think TCU puts up a heroic fight, but I think Bama just has too much. On the other side, I again think the SEC team is too talented, and will withstand a heroic upset effort. And in the SEC rematch? I think Tebow gets his vengeance.
Questions? Comments? Like it? Hate it? Want my body? That's what the comments section is for. Thanks for reading, as always.
1. The bowl pairings were released yesterday.
2. Nobody really likes the bowl system all that much.
3. The NCAA Basketball tournament is the most fun event of the sporting world.
4. I'm a sports nerd, and love "What If" questions.
5. I'm finishing up my laundry, and a typical Wisconsin December (read: cold and snow, interspersed with occasional snow and cold) combined with me being too dirt poor to afford a car means that going anywhere outside is generally not a good idea.
Combine these, and what do you get?
1. The football people at the NCAA should pull their heads out of their asses and switch to a playoff system.
2. Since #1 isn't going to happen, and I have nothing better to do until Monday Night Football, I took the liberty of designing my own version.
Here's the basic concepts of my system: For one, it's 32 teams, divided into 4 regions of 8 teams. Which seems like a fair number. You get pretty much the entire Top 25 in there, plus a few stragglers. Plus, the five-round setup means that the schedule would go like this:
1st Round: Dec 12 (at the home stadium of the higher seed)
2nd Round: Dec 19 (at a neutral site)
Regional Final: Dec 26 (at the same neutral site as last week's game--probably, the 4 existing BCS bowls could each host a regional)
National Semifinals: January 1/2 (at another neutral site)
National Championship: January 9 (same site as last week)
There you go. Everything fits in the schedule, and one of the main arguments against a playoff system (it makes the season too long!) gets blown out of the water. Guess when this year's championship game is, sans playoff? January 7. Yep, we just extended the season by two games. I'm shocked the world isn't ending.
(As an aside, the other two arguments against a playoff hold no water as well. A 17-game schedule is too grueling? When these guys get to the NFL, they'll be playing at least 16 games. And none of those games will be against Louisiana-Monroe, Wyoming, UTEP, or UCF--Texas's actual non-conference schedule this year. The every-week schedule through December will distract students during finals? Any more than daily practices do for the several dozen bowl-bound teams? If anything, you're looking at fewer teams getting distracted: 16 teams will be playing after finals week, as opposed to the 66 that currently do.)
Another fun catch: every conference champion gets in. Which means jack shit for Alabama, Georgia Tech, or Oregon--who would've been here anyway. But also means that East Carolina and Troy have a bite at the apple. Okay, not much of one. But still.
Taking this idea, I ran with it. Take the BCS rankings, use them to fill out the seedings as best as possible, and fill in the last few with ESPN's power rankings. Tweak them where needed for extreme regional purposes and to make sure you have no in-conference first-round matchups, and you're set to go.
Here's what the playoffs would look like:
#1 Seeds: Alabama (East), Texas (South), Cincy (Midwest), TCU (West)
Regional pairings: East vs. West, South vs. Midwest
Midwest Region:
1 Cincinatti
2 Ohio State
3 Iowa
4 Penn State
5 Oklahoma State
6 Utah
7 Central Michigan
8 East Carolina
Notes on the region: The 7 seeds ended up a bit screwy (I originally had Northwestern here, but had to move them so they weren't playing Ohio State in the first round), but other than that everything fell into place. A couple great first round matchups: Ohio State-Central Michigan would be a lot closer than people think, and Penn State-Oklahoma State would be a thriller. A possible Ohio State-Iowa rematch in the second round, and a possible Ohio Bowl between OSU and Cincy for the regional final all look great--if Terelle Pryor doesn't self-destruct, like he is wont to do. And there will be opportunities for it--Central Michigan is one of the most underrated teams in the country (they played Arizona damn close, and beat Michigan State in a memorable game early in the year); and Iowa took them to overtime.
Picks: Cincy, OSU, Iowa, and OK State advance. Iowa over Cincy in the final.
West:
1 TCU
2 Oregon
3 LSU
4 BYU
5 Oregon State
6 Stanford
7 Northwestern
8 Texas Tech
Notes: TCU smoked BYU in their regular season matchup. Love the Stanford-LSU upset potential--and that opens the door for Oregon having to face their only conference loss in the 2nd round. Also love TCU-Texas Tech in the first round. He'll, these all look like they could be competitive. And it's not like that's exciting or anything.
Picks: TCU, Oregon, Stanford, BYU advance. TCU over Stanford in the final.
East:
1 Alabama
2 Boise State
3 Virginia Tech
4 Miami
5 West Virginia
6 Wisconsin
7 Clemson
8 North Carolina
Notes: Alabama gets lumped in with a large number of vagabonds. The 4 through 7 seeds were all moved due to matchup or regional problems. West Virginia graded out the last 4 seed originally, but would've been playing Pitt in the first round. Wisconsin was bumped up to avoid USC playing in the East. Boise State got shafted by the BCS, but they graded out as the second-best 2-seed, so I couldn't justify dropping them--so, to mimic the BCS screwing them over, I stuck them in the East. And put them against Clemson--a frisky team that probably is a lot better than their 7 ranking indicates. None of the underdogs are taking down Bama, but the rest of the bracket would be entertaining as all hell.
Picks: Bama, Boise, Wisconsin and Miami advance. Bama slaughters Boise in the final.
South:
1 Texas
2 Florida
3 Georgia Tech
4 Pitt
5 Arizona
6 Nebraska
7 USC
8 Troy
Notes: Pitt was a high 5 that benefitted from a would've-been first-round date with a conference team. USC was a low 6 that was hurt by the regional shake-up. GA Tech-Nebraska might be the most entertaining 1st-round matchup on the list: I absolutely love both teams. This region is stacked. Florida-USC? Thanks for playing, Matt Barkley. You can pick up your consolation prize on the way out, and don't forget to use this four-pick performance as motivation during the off-season. The spread for Texas-Troy might top 50 points. Tebow vs. McCoy with a regional championship on the line? That blows any drama during a pre-New Years bowl game out of the water.
Picks: Texas, Florida, Nebraska, Arizona. Florida over Texas in an instant classic.
Final Four: #1 Alabama vs. #1 TCU; #3 Iowa vs. #2 Florida.
Notes/Picks: A lot of people thought TCU should play Bama for the national title. They'll get their shot here. I think it's a classic, I think TCU puts up a heroic fight, but I think Bama just has too much. On the other side, I again think the SEC team is too talented, and will withstand a heroic upset effort. And in the SEC rematch? I think Tebow gets his vengeance.
Questions? Comments? Like it? Hate it? Want my body? That's what the comments section is for. Thanks for reading, as always.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tiger caught pulling his wood out of the bag at the wrong time
In case you've been stuck in a cave the past week and missed it: Tiger Woods cheated on his supermodel wife with the mannish looking chick from this last season of Tool Academy.
A few brief thoughts first:
-My girlfriend upon reading about the news: "That's the one whose boyfriend on the show had his other girlfriend of 7 years make a surprise appearance--and he picked the other girl over her!" So this girl got screwed over by a cheating boyfriend, and remains currently very willing to help another man cheat on his wife. I'll let you interpret what this says about most women in our society.
-Tiger's "I'm sorry for this indiscretion, but I'm not going to detail what said indiscretion is" semi-apology sounded awfully familiar. Are we sure Jason Giambi isn't heading up his PR team?
-Apparently Tiger's phone wasn't password-protected, and he left voicemails on his phone, which Mrs. Tiger was easily able to access. To me, this is huge: because it suggests that he's never done this before. The first rule of lying is "cover your ass at all points." There is a reason I don't cheat, and it's because I would not be any good at it. I'm a big-picture person, and covering up indiscretions is all about the details. But we've known Tiger as a public for well over a decade, and he's a fairly smart fella. If he'd done this before, he would've either made the same mistake (and gotten caught, and learned his lesson from it, and not done it again) or taken care of things earlier (and not gotten caught).
Now, there are a lot of people asking why the hell he would do this. Why would he risk his career, his endorsements, and his family? Why would he do something so risky? And the question most men are asking: why in the hell would he abandon one of the hottest women alive for something that looks like it might have, at one point, had a disco stick?
(Note: I'm not implying that she is a tranny, in any way. Just saying that she looks like it. Back to the point.)
A trending topic on Twitter today is #whymencheat. Here's the simple answer: because they are unhappy.
They might be unhappy with themselves, which is the main reason: if you are an insecure fuck who hates himself when you're single, you will be an insecure fuck who hates himself with a hot piece of arm candy. So you keep searching for someone to break the cycle, to make you a self-confident fuck who loves himself.
In Tiger's case, though, I don't think this was it. I think he's the other unhappy: the kind who is unhappy with his wife. Yes, Elin Nordegren is one of the hottest women alive. But physical beauty alone isn't enough to make a 6-year-long marriage stay happy. And Elin never gave off the vibe that she gave two shits about Tiger's happiness.
Like most gorgeous women, she didn't want an equal, a partner: she wanted a sugar daddy. She loved his money. She loved the attention that marriage to him brought. She loved being able to hug him in front of the TV cameras after he won a tournament. Being with him was never enough, and it showed. Look at pictures: she smiles when he wins, when she knows the camera is watching, and probably when they're shopping. Candid shots, she's not smiling. Because it's not HIM that makes her happy--it's what he can do for HER.
And, as stated before, Tiger is fairly smart, and fairly perceptive. As confusing an emotion as love is, when someone does not love you, you know it. Especially after six years.
I don't think theirs is a happy marriage. To be honest, I don't think it will last. And if it does, I don't think this will be the last we hear of something like this.
To summarize: men cheat because they are unhappy. A happy man does not need the risk of getting caught. Even if it's a small risk. An unhappy man sees the chance to be happy, the upside of which overwhelms the risk assumed if you are caught. And every indication shows that Tiger Woods was not happy.
A few brief thoughts first:
-My girlfriend upon reading about the news: "That's the one whose boyfriend on the show had his other girlfriend of 7 years make a surprise appearance--and he picked the other girl over her!" So this girl got screwed over by a cheating boyfriend, and remains currently very willing to help another man cheat on his wife. I'll let you interpret what this says about most women in our society.
-Tiger's "I'm sorry for this indiscretion, but I'm not going to detail what said indiscretion is" semi-apology sounded awfully familiar. Are we sure Jason Giambi isn't heading up his PR team?
-Apparently Tiger's phone wasn't password-protected, and he left voicemails on his phone, which Mrs. Tiger was easily able to access. To me, this is huge: because it suggests that he's never done this before. The first rule of lying is "cover your ass at all points." There is a reason I don't cheat, and it's because I would not be any good at it. I'm a big-picture person, and covering up indiscretions is all about the details. But we've known Tiger as a public for well over a decade, and he's a fairly smart fella. If he'd done this before, he would've either made the same mistake (and gotten caught, and learned his lesson from it, and not done it again) or taken care of things earlier (and not gotten caught).
Now, there are a lot of people asking why the hell he would do this. Why would he risk his career, his endorsements, and his family? Why would he do something so risky? And the question most men are asking: why in the hell would he abandon one of the hottest women alive for something that looks like it might have, at one point, had a disco stick?
(Note: I'm not implying that she is a tranny, in any way. Just saying that she looks like it. Back to the point.)
A trending topic on Twitter today is #whymencheat. Here's the simple answer: because they are unhappy.
They might be unhappy with themselves, which is the main reason: if you are an insecure fuck who hates himself when you're single, you will be an insecure fuck who hates himself with a hot piece of arm candy. So you keep searching for someone to break the cycle, to make you a self-confident fuck who loves himself.
In Tiger's case, though, I don't think this was it. I think he's the other unhappy: the kind who is unhappy with his wife. Yes, Elin Nordegren is one of the hottest women alive. But physical beauty alone isn't enough to make a 6-year-long marriage stay happy. And Elin never gave off the vibe that she gave two shits about Tiger's happiness.
Like most gorgeous women, she didn't want an equal, a partner: she wanted a sugar daddy. She loved his money. She loved the attention that marriage to him brought. She loved being able to hug him in front of the TV cameras after he won a tournament. Being with him was never enough, and it showed. Look at pictures: she smiles when he wins, when she knows the camera is watching, and probably when they're shopping. Candid shots, she's not smiling. Because it's not HIM that makes her happy--it's what he can do for HER.
And, as stated before, Tiger is fairly smart, and fairly perceptive. As confusing an emotion as love is, when someone does not love you, you know it. Especially after six years.
I don't think theirs is a happy marriage. To be honest, I don't think it will last. And if it does, I don't think this will be the last we hear of something like this.
To summarize: men cheat because they are unhappy. A happy man does not need the risk of getting caught. Even if it's a small risk. An unhappy man sees the chance to be happy, the upside of which overwhelms the risk assumed if you are caught. And every indication shows that Tiger Woods was not happy.
Monday, November 30, 2009
A Look in the Vault: 12/07 Column for Pioneer Outlook
So if you're still reading what I have to say, it's pretty safe to say that you think I'm a good writer. Either that, or you randomly found this page, have no idea what you're doing, and are trying to figure out who the hell this idiot who keeps ranting about Brett Favre is. One of the two.
But either way, "good" is an opinion. "Confident" is a statement of fact. I'm confident in my writings. When I click "Publish Post," I know that I'm putting something good out into teh Intarwebz.1 Writing is a skill, and like any skill it must be practiced. I've been doing this shit for years and years, dating back to well before my balls dropped. It's always fun, when you've done something for that long, to look back at some of your old work. The past day, I've had that chance.
I really got my start writing about sports in high school, when I was the sports editor of the monthly newsletter my senior year. I loved it--I could write freely about sports, get a grade for it, say what I wanted2 and everyone loved it. The lovably caustic asshole that lived inside of me really came out for the first time in that space, and I really started to develop into the writer, and the man, that I am today.
Yesterday, while searching for AA batteries in an old drawer, I came across an old jump drive. Plugging it in, I found copies of all the old columns from that year. I read through; at some points I was impressed with how far along I already was at that point in my writing life, at some points I found myself thinking "what in the bloody fuck was I trying to say there?" I'm sure five years down the line when I look back at these posts, it'll be a lot of the same.
Anyway, I wanted to take my favorite piece from that year and share it with you. At some points, I aim to share some other ones, as well--as well as other old works of mine. It was a monthly column, running from October to May (skipping January for winter break). This was December--I remember at the end of the year thinking it was my finest work, and in my opinion (though some of the references are a little dated) it holds up damn good to the stuff I'm even writing today. You'll notice footnotes, as well. There were a few already in this column. I want to re-print it as it was the day it was originally published--and at the same time, I want to spice some of my thoughts three years later in as well. So enjoy.
A fun fact for you to chew on while reading this New Year's (I will chug a Drano cocktail before I call it "Holiday Break," or use the despicable "Christmahannakwanzaka.3") edition of Pioneer Outlook: By the time you finish reading this edition of At the Buzzer, two more Cincinnati Bengals players will have been arrested.
Okay, maybe I"m exaggerating just a little, but the fact remains that we are witnessing felonious history. On Dec. 9, Cincy cornerback Deltha O'Neal blew a .10 at a traffic stop, becoming the eighth Bengal to be brought up on charges since training camp opened. Just a day earlier, wide receiver Reggie McNeal was arrested on drug-related charges outside a Houston nightclub.
I would be glad to list the rest of the Cinci-Naughty players who have been arrested, but we simply don't have space in this magazine. Rumor has it, however, that the Bengals now get a team discount for using the same bail bondsman. And Carson Palmer, in danger of losing touch with the team that he is supposed to be a leader of, was recently spotted outside of a Cincinnati Kwik-E-Mart saying something about hiring a getaway driver. Luckily, it is hard to tell the difference between the blindingly orange Bengal jerseys and the blindingly orange prison jumpsuits that the players wear on off-days. Somewhere, a Raiders fan, a Portland Jail Blazers fan, Jamal Lewis, and Stephen Jackson are holding a support group and crying into each other's arms.4 Sorry guys, your identities as the no-goodniks of sports have been spectacularly usurped.
The way things are going, Cincinattica may need to move from the NFL to the Ohio Penal League next year in order to field a team. Eight out of fifty-three players have been arrested at some point--or, in the case of Chris Henry, several times. Doing the math, that is fifteen percent of the roster--approximately equivalent to 133 GHS students getting arrested. So, um, you remember how in grade school D.A.R.E. class they asked you to look at the two people next to you and imagine that one of them will become a smoker? Well, look at your classroom right now. Then walk to two classrooms on either side of your door. Now, imagine every single student in them getting arrested over a 9-month period.5
But the most amazing thing is that even with the sizable number of players splitting their attention between football and their impending trials, the Cin-mates have managed to stay in the playoff hunt. At press time, they sat at 8-5, on the inside track for an AFC Wild Card spot.6 Meanwhile, we are stuck with this useless Packers team, possessing a mere 5-8 record and a single, lonely felon.7 And Koren Robinson, our local liaison to Cell Block C, was suspended after a mere four weeks with the team, leaving him more free time to spend at home with his potted plants.8 What does this tell us? If you want to win in the NFL, simply sign more criminals and lowlifes.9 Or, if your moral standards are too high for that, simply buy your linebackers some steroids.
The San Diego Chargers seem to have taken the second route. Lost amid the hoopla surrounding football deity LaDanian Tomlinson's record-breaking season is the fact that last year's Defensive Rookie of the Year, Pro Bowl linebacker Shawne Merriman, was suspended for four games earlier this year for a positive steroid test. For many of you, this is news, and that is a crying shame. How Merriman's suspension managed to fly under the radar is beyond me, especially just a year after Rafael Palmerio got caught red-handed with his stash of hypodermic needles.10 Had Merriman chosen to be a catcher rather than a linebacker, he would be a national scapegoat right now. As it is, he has gotten absolutely no negative press--in fact, I heard Phil Simms applauding the way he managed to bonce back from his suspension without missing a beat. I think I just threw up in my mouth.
Why the double standard? Every time a baseball player tests positive for 'roids, he is crucified by talk radio, sportswriters, and sportswriter-impersonators (Scoop Jackson and Skip Bayless come to mind). However, an NFL player can get busted juicing and actually get praised for coming back so strong. If eight members of an NBA team got arrested, rather than eight football players, the fallout would be enough to crush a very large building.
(Hey, speaking of the NBA, it's time for the Isiah Thomas Watch! At press time, Isiah's Knicks were 8-15, a game and a half out of the playoffs in the putrid Eastern Conference. Knicks fans are now booing the team during home games. Good times.)11
(Random NBA Tangent #2: Allen Iverson is finished in Philadelphia. Hey, Isiah, it's another overpaid, ball-hogging point guard! And even though the Knicks have no cap space, no tradeable assets, and are out of draft picks for the foreseeable future, Billy King is easily the second-dumbest GM in sports, so something just might work out. Watching Thomas and King negotiate would eerily remind me of watching two monkeys flinging their poo at each other. Who will get the better trade when both have built a career out of getting horribly fleeced? Stay tuned.)12
At any rate, I hope you all enjoy your New Year's break. And when Carson Palmer is arrested for trying to rob a Kwik-E-Mart, don't say I didn't warn you.13
1 Or, I'm drunk and unaware of what I'm doing. Either way, you're laughing. Everybody wins.
2 I use this phrase liberally. I could say what I wanted, the teacher/advisor censored it down, and it went to you, the loyal reader. Through both teachers who served as advisors that year, we fought many epic battles about what I could and couldn't say in press that reached 14-year-old eyes. And to date, I love and thank them both. Both of them were great to work with--any lesser teacher would've kicked me off staff for the things I tried to get away with. But they had faith in me and wanted me to succeed, while not costing them their jobs. If you're reading this, thank you a million times.
3 I'm still not sure of the correct spelling of that word. In fact, I'm not quite sure there is one. Let's just be glad that this trend of political correctness died an unceremonious death. In fact, this was the last year that it was seriously used. And I'd like to think that I deserve some of the credit for that.
4 I love the mental image of Stephen Jackson and Jamal Lewis crying into one another's arms. I'd like to imagine that, somehow, firearms and strippers would be prominently involved in this tender moment.
5 Since it's three years later, let's update the analogy. I now go to a university (Wisconsin-Oshkosh) with an enrollment of roughly 12,000 students. UWO students reading this, imagine if the University Police arrested 1,800 students over a school year. Staggering. And Officer Trent Morgan, having noticed this while checking my status to make sure I'm not underage drinking, just got a new goal in life.
6 The team lost its last three games, staggered to an 8-8 finish, and missed the playoffs. A crowning moment. The first time I ever jinxed a team in print. O'Neal was the last run-in with the law the team had. If you've forgotten the details of the team-wide crime spree that season, catch up here.
7 Similarly, the Pack won their last three games to finish a matching 8-8, and also miss the playoffs. The lesson here? With my predictions, you get what you pay for.
8 Had to come up with a printable synonym for marijuana. Kind of a weak reference. With three more years under my belt, and a considerably stronger history with Mary Jane, I could've done a lot better.
9 A year later, the Patriots almost went undefeated while blatantly videotaping the signals of opposing teams. For once, I nailed this one on the head.
10 Another weak point I noticed in re-reading this column. I really wish I had written this differently--emphasized how Palmerio's career was basically ended by his bust, how his legacy was ruined forever, how he probably will be blackballed from the Hall of Fame for it. Hindsight really is 20/20.
11 A month earlier, I had chronicled Thomas's misadventures as Knicks' GM, and named him the Worst General Manager of All-Time. The Knicks finished 33-49, and missed the playoffs.
12 Predictably, King got about 25 cents on the dollar for AI, sending him to Denver for Andre Miller, Joe Smith, and two 2007 first-round picks. After further trades, the two first-rounders turned into the injury-ridden Jason Smith and the Europe-bound Derrick Byars. Another pick I nailed--though calling Billy King getting butchered in a trade is kind of like picking against the freshman girl in the drinking contest. Sure, you got it right, but who wouldn't?
13 Palmer never was arrested. But hopefully you caught the obvious sarcasm in that string of jokes.
But either way, "good" is an opinion. "Confident" is a statement of fact. I'm confident in my writings. When I click "Publish Post," I know that I'm putting something good out into teh Intarwebz.1 Writing is a skill, and like any skill it must be practiced. I've been doing this shit for years and years, dating back to well before my balls dropped. It's always fun, when you've done something for that long, to look back at some of your old work. The past day, I've had that chance.
I really got my start writing about sports in high school, when I was the sports editor of the monthly newsletter my senior year. I loved it--I could write freely about sports, get a grade for it, say what I wanted2 and everyone loved it. The lovably caustic asshole that lived inside of me really came out for the first time in that space, and I really started to develop into the writer, and the man, that I am today.
Yesterday, while searching for AA batteries in an old drawer, I came across an old jump drive. Plugging it in, I found copies of all the old columns from that year. I read through; at some points I was impressed with how far along I already was at that point in my writing life, at some points I found myself thinking "what in the bloody fuck was I trying to say there?" I'm sure five years down the line when I look back at these posts, it'll be a lot of the same.
Anyway, I wanted to take my favorite piece from that year and share it with you. At some points, I aim to share some other ones, as well--as well as other old works of mine. It was a monthly column, running from October to May (skipping January for winter break). This was December--I remember at the end of the year thinking it was my finest work, and in my opinion (though some of the references are a little dated) it holds up damn good to the stuff I'm even writing today. You'll notice footnotes, as well. There were a few already in this column. I want to re-print it as it was the day it was originally published--and at the same time, I want to spice some of my thoughts three years later in as well. So enjoy.
A fun fact for you to chew on while reading this New Year's (I will chug a Drano cocktail before I call it "Holiday Break," or use the despicable "Christmahannakwanzaka.3") edition of Pioneer Outlook: By the time you finish reading this edition of At the Buzzer, two more Cincinnati Bengals players will have been arrested.
Okay, maybe I"m exaggerating just a little, but the fact remains that we are witnessing felonious history. On Dec. 9, Cincy cornerback Deltha O'Neal blew a .10 at a traffic stop, becoming the eighth Bengal to be brought up on charges since training camp opened. Just a day earlier, wide receiver Reggie McNeal was arrested on drug-related charges outside a Houston nightclub.
I would be glad to list the rest of the Cinci-Naughty players who have been arrested, but we simply don't have space in this magazine. Rumor has it, however, that the Bengals now get a team discount for using the same bail bondsman. And Carson Palmer, in danger of losing touch with the team that he is supposed to be a leader of, was recently spotted outside of a Cincinnati Kwik-E-Mart saying something about hiring a getaway driver. Luckily, it is hard to tell the difference between the blindingly orange Bengal jerseys and the blindingly orange prison jumpsuits that the players wear on off-days. Somewhere, a Raiders fan, a Portland Jail Blazers fan, Jamal Lewis, and Stephen Jackson are holding a support group and crying into each other's arms.4 Sorry guys, your identities as the no-goodniks of sports have been spectacularly usurped.
The way things are going, Cincinattica may need to move from the NFL to the Ohio Penal League next year in order to field a team. Eight out of fifty-three players have been arrested at some point--or, in the case of Chris Henry, several times. Doing the math, that is fifteen percent of the roster--approximately equivalent to 133 GHS students getting arrested. So, um, you remember how in grade school D.A.R.E. class they asked you to look at the two people next to you and imagine that one of them will become a smoker? Well, look at your classroom right now. Then walk to two classrooms on either side of your door. Now, imagine every single student in them getting arrested over a 9-month period.5
But the most amazing thing is that even with the sizable number of players splitting their attention between football and their impending trials, the Cin-mates have managed to stay in the playoff hunt. At press time, they sat at 8-5, on the inside track for an AFC Wild Card spot.6 Meanwhile, we are stuck with this useless Packers team, possessing a mere 5-8 record and a single, lonely felon.7 And Koren Robinson, our local liaison to Cell Block C, was suspended after a mere four weeks with the team, leaving him more free time to spend at home with his potted plants.8 What does this tell us? If you want to win in the NFL, simply sign more criminals and lowlifes.9 Or, if your moral standards are too high for that, simply buy your linebackers some steroids.
The San Diego Chargers seem to have taken the second route. Lost amid the hoopla surrounding football deity LaDanian Tomlinson's record-breaking season is the fact that last year's Defensive Rookie of the Year, Pro Bowl linebacker Shawne Merriman, was suspended for four games earlier this year for a positive steroid test. For many of you, this is news, and that is a crying shame. How Merriman's suspension managed to fly under the radar is beyond me, especially just a year after Rafael Palmerio got caught red-handed with his stash of hypodermic needles.10 Had Merriman chosen to be a catcher rather than a linebacker, he would be a national scapegoat right now. As it is, he has gotten absolutely no negative press--in fact, I heard Phil Simms applauding the way he managed to bonce back from his suspension without missing a beat. I think I just threw up in my mouth.
Why the double standard? Every time a baseball player tests positive for 'roids, he is crucified by talk radio, sportswriters, and sportswriter-impersonators (Scoop Jackson and Skip Bayless come to mind). However, an NFL player can get busted juicing and actually get praised for coming back so strong. If eight members of an NBA team got arrested, rather than eight football players, the fallout would be enough to crush a very large building.
(Hey, speaking of the NBA, it's time for the Isiah Thomas Watch! At press time, Isiah's Knicks were 8-15, a game and a half out of the playoffs in the putrid Eastern Conference. Knicks fans are now booing the team during home games. Good times.)11
(Random NBA Tangent #2: Allen Iverson is finished in Philadelphia. Hey, Isiah, it's another overpaid, ball-hogging point guard! And even though the Knicks have no cap space, no tradeable assets, and are out of draft picks for the foreseeable future, Billy King is easily the second-dumbest GM in sports, so something just might work out. Watching Thomas and King negotiate would eerily remind me of watching two monkeys flinging their poo at each other. Who will get the better trade when both have built a career out of getting horribly fleeced? Stay tuned.)12
At any rate, I hope you all enjoy your New Year's break. And when Carson Palmer is arrested for trying to rob a Kwik-E-Mart, don't say I didn't warn you.13
1 Or, I'm drunk and unaware of what I'm doing. Either way, you're laughing. Everybody wins.
2 I use this phrase liberally. I could say what I wanted, the teacher/advisor censored it down, and it went to you, the loyal reader. Through both teachers who served as advisors that year, we fought many epic battles about what I could and couldn't say in press that reached 14-year-old eyes. And to date, I love and thank them both. Both of them were great to work with--any lesser teacher would've kicked me off staff for the things I tried to get away with. But they had faith in me and wanted me to succeed, while not costing them their jobs. If you're reading this, thank you a million times.
3 I'm still not sure of the correct spelling of that word. In fact, I'm not quite sure there is one. Let's just be glad that this trend of political correctness died an unceremonious death. In fact, this was the last year that it was seriously used. And I'd like to think that I deserve some of the credit for that.
4 I love the mental image of Stephen Jackson and Jamal Lewis crying into one another's arms. I'd like to imagine that, somehow, firearms and strippers would be prominently involved in this tender moment.
5 Since it's three years later, let's update the analogy. I now go to a university (Wisconsin-Oshkosh) with an enrollment of roughly 12,000 students. UWO students reading this, imagine if the University Police arrested 1,800 students over a school year. Staggering. And Officer Trent Morgan, having noticed this while checking my status to make sure I'm not underage drinking, just got a new goal in life.
6 The team lost its last three games, staggered to an 8-8 finish, and missed the playoffs. A crowning moment. The first time I ever jinxed a team in print. O'Neal was the last run-in with the law the team had. If you've forgotten the details of the team-wide crime spree that season, catch up here.
7 Similarly, the Pack won their last three games to finish a matching 8-8, and also miss the playoffs. The lesson here? With my predictions, you get what you pay for.
8 Had to come up with a printable synonym for marijuana. Kind of a weak reference. With three more years under my belt, and a considerably stronger history with Mary Jane, I could've done a lot better.
9 A year later, the Patriots almost went undefeated while blatantly videotaping the signals of opposing teams. For once, I nailed this one on the head.
10 Another weak point I noticed in re-reading this column. I really wish I had written this differently--emphasized how Palmerio's career was basically ended by his bust, how his legacy was ruined forever, how he probably will be blackballed from the Hall of Fame for it. Hindsight really is 20/20.
11 A month earlier, I had chronicled Thomas's misadventures as Knicks' GM, and named him the Worst General Manager of All-Time. The Knicks finished 33-49, and missed the playoffs.
12 Predictably, King got about 25 cents on the dollar for AI, sending him to Denver for Andre Miller, Joe Smith, and two 2007 first-round picks. After further trades, the two first-rounders turned into the injury-ridden Jason Smith and the Europe-bound Derrick Byars. Another pick I nailed--though calling Billy King getting butchered in a trade is kind of like picking against the freshman girl in the drinking contest. Sure, you got it right, but who wouldn't?
13 Palmer never was arrested. But hopefully you caught the obvious sarcasm in that string of jokes.
Hope you all enjoyed your turkey: a few post-Thanksgiving treats
To answer your questions...
1. No, I'm not dead.
2. No, I didn't forget about this blog.
3. No, the baby isn't mine.
4. Yes, I will be posting more regularly.
Was either back home, or visiting my girlfriend's family all of last week, so I didn't have much free time to give you any fun new content. Though I did manage to come down with an ear infection, and was briefly unable to hear out of my left ear--I can now, but it's pitch distorted, which annoys me to no end. Anyways, this afternoon I plan on commenting on some of the goings-on of the past week--just something quick. Tonight, I might turn back the clock by sharing some classic Colin and uploading a column I wrote for my high-school paper when I was a senior (I found them all on an old jump drive I found tucked away in a drawer yesterday). Later this week, I'm hoping to get a Fantasy Football Awards up--but I have a term paper due Wednesday, so that's assuming that I don't either cut my head off or swear off writing forever first.
On top of all of that, we have less than three weeks until my 21st birthday. If you're going to be in either Oshkosh or Milwaukee that week or weekend, let me know--if things fall into place, we're looking at a possible 5-night, 4-day-long celebration. That scribbling sign you are hearing is my liver hastily making picket signs in protest. Should be fun.
Anyways...
Charlie Weis loses job, none are shocked.
I find myself wondering how he is going to quash his massive appetite now. Perhaps with a year or two off, we might see his gunt shrink down from "of biblical proportions" to simply "humongous." But in all seriousness, if you're all for fairness this was long overdue. Weis got two more years than Ty Willingham did, had a three-year run of futility that trumped Ty's two years, and showed a general inability to win without Brady Quinn. Hell, he even managed to wreck a Clausen brother before the NFL, which is a new record. My prediction: fellow Bill Belichek protege Eric Mangini brings him on board to run the Browns offense next year, try to salvage Quinn's career, and break the NFL record for "gravitational pull resulting from a coaching staff."
Detroit Lions Apparently Aren't Any Good
I've been saying it for months now: the Packer defense is feast or famine. If they can force turnovers, they look all-world. If you protect the ball against them, you're gonna win. Facing resident Pick Boy Matthew Stafford, it was bound to be a Thansgiving feast for them. The big shocker is that the offensive line did not play, well, offensively. Could it be, as Cris Collinsworth suggested, that the Pack line is finally coming together? Or, could it be that they were playing the Detroit Hello Kitties? Methinks it was the second one.
At any rate, we've still got the Bears, Seahawks, and Cardinals remaining. Two wins against that bunch and we should be in the playoffs. Thank God for the NFC West.
Vince Young Wins Battle Of Non-Week-1-Starting Quarterbacks
Oh, wait, him and Leinart both started in the National Championship a few years ago? Really? I hadn't heard anything about that...
At any rate, Young might just end the season undefeated as a starter, and still miss the playoffs. Never seen that before.
And on the opposite end of the quarterback spectrum...
...the observation of the week is brought to you by ESPN.com's DJ Gallo.
(So, is it possible for a team with an iffy defense and no offensive line to cruise to the top wild card spot? Absolutely!)
Fantasy Update
Two weeks ago, 6 of 8 teams in my league ranged in record from 6-4 to 4-6. One was 7-3, one was 3-7. Today? At 7-4, my Dwayne Bowe Warriors have a playoff spot locked up. And trail by one game in our divison. We're up 5 points (thanks to Miles Austin's huge turkey day, and no thanks to Michael Turner's late addition to Atlanta's lineup, leaving Jason Snelling on the bench), with Maroney and Carney going against Reggie Bush and Shockey. Conversely, the team one game up on me in the division can lose with a 35-point effort from Drew Brees. In other words, both contests are up in the air.
(And for what it's worth, if I finish first in overall points--as I'm on pace to do--but miss a bye week thanks to our new divisional system, I plan on killing several kittens. And if I drop a fluke first-rounder because of this, I might throw in some babies. And if my team goes on a post-playoff-loss run that would've carried me to the title with the bye week, don't be surprised when you see "Crazed Wisconsin Fantasy Football Player Goes on Five-State Killing Spree" in the headlines. Just saying.)
1. No, I'm not dead.
2. No, I didn't forget about this blog.
3. No, the baby isn't mine.
4. Yes, I will be posting more regularly.
Was either back home, or visiting my girlfriend's family all of last week, so I didn't have much free time to give you any fun new content. Though I did manage to come down with an ear infection, and was briefly unable to hear out of my left ear--I can now, but it's pitch distorted, which annoys me to no end. Anyways, this afternoon I plan on commenting on some of the goings-on of the past week--just something quick. Tonight, I might turn back the clock by sharing some classic Colin and uploading a column I wrote for my high-school paper when I was a senior (I found them all on an old jump drive I found tucked away in a drawer yesterday). Later this week, I'm hoping to get a Fantasy Football Awards up--but I have a term paper due Wednesday, so that's assuming that I don't either cut my head off or swear off writing forever first.
On top of all of that, we have less than three weeks until my 21st birthday. If you're going to be in either Oshkosh or Milwaukee that week or weekend, let me know--if things fall into place, we're looking at a possible 5-night, 4-day-long celebration. That scribbling sign you are hearing is my liver hastily making picket signs in protest. Should be fun.
Anyways...
Charlie Weis loses job, none are shocked.
I find myself wondering how he is going to quash his massive appetite now. Perhaps with a year or two off, we might see his gunt shrink down from "of biblical proportions" to simply "humongous." But in all seriousness, if you're all for fairness this was long overdue. Weis got two more years than Ty Willingham did, had a three-year run of futility that trumped Ty's two years, and showed a general inability to win without Brady Quinn. Hell, he even managed to wreck a Clausen brother before the NFL, which is a new record. My prediction: fellow Bill Belichek protege Eric Mangini brings him on board to run the Browns offense next year, try to salvage Quinn's career, and break the NFL record for "gravitational pull resulting from a coaching staff."
Detroit Lions Apparently Aren't Any Good
I've been saying it for months now: the Packer defense is feast or famine. If they can force turnovers, they look all-world. If you protect the ball against them, you're gonna win. Facing resident Pick Boy Matthew Stafford, it was bound to be a Thansgiving feast for them. The big shocker is that the offensive line did not play, well, offensively. Could it be, as Cris Collinsworth suggested, that the Pack line is finally coming together? Or, could it be that they were playing the Detroit Hello Kitties? Methinks it was the second one.
At any rate, we've still got the Bears, Seahawks, and Cardinals remaining. Two wins against that bunch and we should be in the playoffs. Thank God for the NFC West.
Vince Young Wins Battle Of Non-Week-1-Starting Quarterbacks
Oh, wait, him and Leinart both started in the National Championship a few years ago? Really? I hadn't heard anything about that...
At any rate, Young might just end the season undefeated as a starter, and still miss the playoffs. Never seen that before.
And on the opposite end of the quarterback spectrum...
...the observation of the week is brought to you by ESPN.com's DJ Gallo.
It's worth noting that neither Jamarcus Russell nor Derek Anderson, widely regarded as the two worst quarterbacks in the league (if not two of the worst quarterbacks not named Craig Whelihan to ever step under center) are not on this list. That's how bad the NFL is this season.27, 26, 26, 24
Those are the interception totals Jay Cutler, Jake Delhomme, Matthew Stafford and Mark Sanchez are on pace for, respectively(/disrespectively). This decade only two quarterbacks have thrown 25 or more interceptions in a season: Brett Favre in 2005 and Vinny Testaverde in 2000. And it's been since 1983 that three quarterbacks threw 25 or more in the same season (Lynn Dickey, Joe Ferguson and Richard Todd).
With Cutler, Stafford and Sanchez all set as the "future" for their teams, and with the Panthers incredibly having no better option than Delhomme (think about that and try not to have your brain explode), all four will likely play out the season and reach or eclipse those numbers. We may be witnessing a season we can one day tell our grandchildren about. When they're bad. And we want to make them cry.
(So, is it possible for a team with an iffy defense and no offensive line to cruise to the top wild card spot? Absolutely!)
Fantasy Update
Two weeks ago, 6 of 8 teams in my league ranged in record from 6-4 to 4-6. One was 7-3, one was 3-7. Today? At 7-4, my Dwayne Bowe Warriors have a playoff spot locked up. And trail by one game in our divison. We're up 5 points (thanks to Miles Austin's huge turkey day, and no thanks to Michael Turner's late addition to Atlanta's lineup, leaving Jason Snelling on the bench), with Maroney and Carney going against Reggie Bush and Shockey. Conversely, the team one game up on me in the division can lose with a 35-point effort from Drew Brees. In other words, both contests are up in the air.
(And for what it's worth, if I finish first in overall points--as I'm on pace to do--but miss a bye week thanks to our new divisional system, I plan on killing several kittens. And if I drop a fluke first-rounder because of this, I might throw in some babies. And if my team goes on a post-playoff-loss run that would've carried me to the title with the bye week, don't be surprised when you see "Crazed Wisconsin Fantasy Football Player Goes on Five-State Killing Spree" in the headlines. Just saying.)
Monday, November 16, 2009
Music Monday: The Top 5 Concerts of My Life (So Far)
If you're a semi-frequent Twitter user, you're familiar with #MusicMonday. I've never gotten involved, but I've always wanted to. So enjoy my completely non-sports-related Music Monday offering, The Top 5 Concerts of My Life So Far (with video evidence):
Dishonorable Mention: Rise Against, Lollapalooza '09 (video: Prayer of the Refugee)
Don't take this the wrong way. I love Rise Against. In a music scene littered with far too many Nickelbacks and Hinders; bands who play crappy, corporate rock devoid of any real passion, Rise Against is one of the few bands today who still have actual testosterone. Re-Education (through Labor) is a staple of my workout playlist on my iPod. If I was ever holding a rally of some kind, I would be playing Prayer of the Refugee in the background. Quite simply, they can turn it up like no other band in the past decade.
So this should've kicked major ass. In theory, Rise Against is the ultimate live band. Live shows are about more than just the music being played: they're about the energy, the interaction between band and crowd, the special effects. It's a combination of everything, coming together in a rich tapestry of ass-kicking and name-taking. But this show fell flat. No energy. Minimal crowd interaction. If you watch the above video and queue up the guitar solo, you'll notice that they're not even bothering to fake it--the music is piped in, and they are just there for the paycheck and the afterparty. This show was the adult equivalent to discovering that Santa Claus wasn't real, or having a girlfriend admit that she regularly faked orgasms. Took my hopes, and smashed them.
Now, on to the actual list:
5. Dropkick Murphy's, Summerfest 2009
Couldn't find a good video of this one, but this is proof positive of how much a crowd can influence a show. DKM was going on at the same time as The Offspring--me and a few friends decided to check both out, and play it on the fly based on which one was better. The Offspring was overcrowded--by which I mean you were packed nut to butt all the way back to the food stands. The only way to get into position to actually see the band was to get there in the mid-afternoon and pray. Get there later on, as we did since I had to work, and you're stuck out of earshot of the band, with a group of passerbys who aren't really sure who is supposed to be playing. Dropkick, on the other hand, seemed to be Diehards Only Night--which meant that everyone knew the songs, was into the show, and as is to be predicted with a Celtic punk band, was piss drunk and unashamed of the fact. Just a great time all around.
4. Snoop Dogg, Lollapalooza 2009 (video: Gin & Juice)
A friend of mine won all-weekend passes to Lollapalooza this summer, and me and him drove down to Chicago for an experience we could not have ever predicted. Coming in, other than Rise Against, Snoop was the show I wanted to see the most. He's one of those shows that you don't think of when you think of the "Guys I'd love to see live" list, but when the opportunity comes up to see Snoop Dogg, you don't pass it up.
And I'm glad I didn't. Combine the act (Snoop, one of the godfathers of West Coast rap) with the crowd (90% white, 95% stoned out of their minds) and you've got a recipe for unintentional hilarity. Some of the best moments:
-The repeated Old School references by a number of random people around me (Come on, bring your green hat!). Would you hear this at a Snoop show at The Rave? Not in a million years.
-The several obligatory crowd shots on the Jumbotron. "Nothin' But a G Thang" played to a pan-over of white college kids and yuppies? Slayed me.
-I would not be far off to estimate that five kilos of weed were smoked during the duration of the show. You couldn't even see behind the crowd at one point--not because it was so packed, but because there was a massive cloud of smoke obscuring your view.
-Continuing this trend, the guy stuck in front of me for most of the show. He was white, fat, and wore nothing but a throwback Jordan jersey--leaving a full view of his abundant bacne. Some of the worst white trash I've ever seen, bar none. But he lit up 6 joints to himself during the show (seriously--I counted), and as repulsive as he is I've gotta respect someone who could do that in 95 degree heat, with no water anywhere in sight, and not die.
3. Reel Big Fish, Summerfest 2007 (video: Trendy. Far from my favorite RBF song, but the only video I could find from that show)
Put it this way: they covered Enter Sandman, and segued into In The Air Tonight. Name another band who can cover Metallica and Phil Collins back to back without sounding retarded. Go ahead. I'll wait.
You can't. And the crowd factor is off the charts for this one, too. People dancing on picnic tables, people singing along into their beer bottles, you name it. "Fun" is the only way to describe it.
Major penalty points for playing "Sell Out" and "Beer" as encores, even though they had already played both songs during the setlist though. Huge letdown. Any aspiring musicians out there, take a note: do not EVER do this. This show would've ranked as #2 easily otherwise. If there's any chance of an encore, have something ready for it. Don't just re-hash something we've already seen.
(And as a side note, finding videos of Summerfest shows is harder than I would've ever thought. Milwaukee, we need to step up our copyright infringement. I'm disappointed in us.)
2. Kaiser Chiefs, Lollapalooza 2009 (video: I Predict a Riot)
If Rise Against marked my biggest disappointment of the summer, Kaiser Chiefs was the best pleasant surprise. I was not a fan of theirs, and my friend and I went mostly because there was nobody else at that time slot we wanted to see. It was hot, it was the middle of the afternoon, and they flat-out rocked it. Coming out into the crowd to play, drinking beers onstage (and insulting Budweiser in the process), climbing up the stage, and even saluting one of their road crew, who was retiring after the show in the above video (This one's for you. Take a bow... and don't forget to go fucking mental). There is nothing in the world more awesome than a band having the time of their lives on stage, and being a part of it.
1. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bradly Center, 2007 (video: Can't Stop)
Despite the crappy quality, I picked this video for a reason: this song completely made the show. The band members came out one by one for about 5 minutes, joining in to the jam session, the video picks up as Anthony Kiedis walks onstage (the huge ovation), and the band transitions seamlessly into the intro to Can't Stop as the lights turn on and the crowd cheers at exactly the right moment. I still get goosebumps watching that video.
Dishonorable Mention: Rise Against, Lollapalooza '09 (video: Prayer of the Refugee)
Don't take this the wrong way. I love Rise Against. In a music scene littered with far too many Nickelbacks and Hinders; bands who play crappy, corporate rock devoid of any real passion, Rise Against is one of the few bands today who still have actual testosterone. Re-Education (through Labor) is a staple of my workout playlist on my iPod. If I was ever holding a rally of some kind, I would be playing Prayer of the Refugee in the background. Quite simply, they can turn it up like no other band in the past decade.
So this should've kicked major ass. In theory, Rise Against is the ultimate live band. Live shows are about more than just the music being played: they're about the energy, the interaction between band and crowd, the special effects. It's a combination of everything, coming together in a rich tapestry of ass-kicking and name-taking. But this show fell flat. No energy. Minimal crowd interaction. If you watch the above video and queue up the guitar solo, you'll notice that they're not even bothering to fake it--the music is piped in, and they are just there for the paycheck and the afterparty. This show was the adult equivalent to discovering that Santa Claus wasn't real, or having a girlfriend admit that she regularly faked orgasms. Took my hopes, and smashed them.
Now, on to the actual list:
5. Dropkick Murphy's, Summerfest 2009
Couldn't find a good video of this one, but this is proof positive of how much a crowd can influence a show. DKM was going on at the same time as The Offspring--me and a few friends decided to check both out, and play it on the fly based on which one was better. The Offspring was overcrowded--by which I mean you were packed nut to butt all the way back to the food stands. The only way to get into position to actually see the band was to get there in the mid-afternoon and pray. Get there later on, as we did since I had to work, and you're stuck out of earshot of the band, with a group of passerbys who aren't really sure who is supposed to be playing. Dropkick, on the other hand, seemed to be Diehards Only Night--which meant that everyone knew the songs, was into the show, and as is to be predicted with a Celtic punk band, was piss drunk and unashamed of the fact. Just a great time all around.
4. Snoop Dogg, Lollapalooza 2009 (video: Gin & Juice)
A friend of mine won all-weekend passes to Lollapalooza this summer, and me and him drove down to Chicago for an experience we could not have ever predicted. Coming in, other than Rise Against, Snoop was the show I wanted to see the most. He's one of those shows that you don't think of when you think of the "Guys I'd love to see live" list, but when the opportunity comes up to see Snoop Dogg, you don't pass it up.
And I'm glad I didn't. Combine the act (Snoop, one of the godfathers of West Coast rap) with the crowd (90% white, 95% stoned out of their minds) and you've got a recipe for unintentional hilarity. Some of the best moments:
-The repeated Old School references by a number of random people around me (Come on, bring your green hat!). Would you hear this at a Snoop show at The Rave? Not in a million years.
-The several obligatory crowd shots on the Jumbotron. "Nothin' But a G Thang" played to a pan-over of white college kids and yuppies? Slayed me.
-I would not be far off to estimate that five kilos of weed were smoked during the duration of the show. You couldn't even see behind the crowd at one point--not because it was so packed, but because there was a massive cloud of smoke obscuring your view.
-Continuing this trend, the guy stuck in front of me for most of the show. He was white, fat, and wore nothing but a throwback Jordan jersey--leaving a full view of his abundant bacne. Some of the worst white trash I've ever seen, bar none. But he lit up 6 joints to himself during the show (seriously--I counted), and as repulsive as he is I've gotta respect someone who could do that in 95 degree heat, with no water anywhere in sight, and not die.
3. Reel Big Fish, Summerfest 2007 (video: Trendy. Far from my favorite RBF song, but the only video I could find from that show)
Put it this way: they covered Enter Sandman, and segued into In The Air Tonight. Name another band who can cover Metallica and Phil Collins back to back without sounding retarded. Go ahead. I'll wait.
You can't. And the crowd factor is off the charts for this one, too. People dancing on picnic tables, people singing along into their beer bottles, you name it. "Fun" is the only way to describe it.
Major penalty points for playing "Sell Out" and "Beer" as encores, even though they had already played both songs during the setlist though. Huge letdown. Any aspiring musicians out there, take a note: do not EVER do this. This show would've ranked as #2 easily otherwise. If there's any chance of an encore, have something ready for it. Don't just re-hash something we've already seen.
(And as a side note, finding videos of Summerfest shows is harder than I would've ever thought. Milwaukee, we need to step up our copyright infringement. I'm disappointed in us.)
2. Kaiser Chiefs, Lollapalooza 2009 (video: I Predict a Riot)
If Rise Against marked my biggest disappointment of the summer, Kaiser Chiefs was the best pleasant surprise. I was not a fan of theirs, and my friend and I went mostly because there was nobody else at that time slot we wanted to see. It was hot, it was the middle of the afternoon, and they flat-out rocked it. Coming out into the crowd to play, drinking beers onstage (and insulting Budweiser in the process), climbing up the stage, and even saluting one of their road crew, who was retiring after the show in the above video (This one's for you. Take a bow... and don't forget to go fucking mental). There is nothing in the world more awesome than a band having the time of their lives on stage, and being a part of it.
1. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bradly Center, 2007 (video: Can't Stop)
Despite the crappy quality, I picked this video for a reason: this song completely made the show. The band members came out one by one for about 5 minutes, joining in to the jam session, the video picks up as Anthony Kiedis walks onstage (the huge ovation), and the band transitions seamlessly into the intro to Can't Stop as the lights turn on and the crowd cheers at exactly the right moment. I still get goosebumps watching that video.
Random Thoughts: 11/16/09
Packers Top Cowboys, Remain Alive in Playoff Hunt
-The Packers aren't as good as people thought, and they're not as bad as people thought. They're somewhere in between, or outside. Yes, I know I am not making sense.
The team goes as the defense goes. We've got an all-or-nothing defense. Either they're creating pressure and forcing turnovers, in which case they can beat anyone in the league, or they're not, in which case they'll struggle to beat anyone.
-The Cowboys--hell, the entire NFC East--aren't as good as people think. Can we just get rid of the two coastal divisions? The entirety of the power balance in the conference is in the North or South--for further evidence see the Cowboys rolling over this week/letting Philly and KC hang around waay too late, the Giants laying four eggs in a row, or the entire NFC West.
-Here's the way the NFC Playoffs shape up so far:
Byes: #1 New Orleans and #2 Minnesota
#6 Green Bay at #3 Dallas
#5 Philadelphia at #4 Arizona
Try picking that mess. I dare you. The 6 seed just shut down the 3 seed, the 4 seed may or may not be a product of a putrid divisional schedule, and the Falcons and Giants are looming (also 5-4 like GB and PHI, but knocked out by tiebreaking procedures for this situation).
Brandon Jennings: The Next AI?
-I am completely willing to admit that I was wrong about Jennings. Coming out of the draft, I couldn't stop thinking about his awful numbers in Italy, his reputation as a slacker, the fact that he went to Italy instead of college because of piss-poor grades and test scores. I mean come on, we're talking about a special kind of dumb if you're a McDonalds All-American, yet can't get any colleges to accept you. Are we certain that he spelled his name correctly on the ACT?
Now? I don't give a fuck if he spelled "Jennings" with a 6. The list of rookies who have put up 55 points are as follows: Jennings, Wilt Chamberlain, Rick Barry, Earl Monroe, Elgin Baylor. That's some serious company. The last rookie to go off for 50 or more? Allen Iverson, in 1997. Before that? Elvin Hayes in 1968.
-We need to get dude a supporting cast. I argued several months ago that the reason Iverson developed into the player he was (selfish, ball-hogging, but the best 1 on 5 player in history) was because he spent the majority of his career with Eric Snow or Samuel Dalembert as his de facto #2 option. Jennings is in a similar situation--Andrew Bogut is not a legitimate second option. If the Bucks were smart, they'd try and get some young pieces for Michael Redd. But they're not.
Stephen Jackson JumpsInto The Stands from Golden State to Charlotte
-From Twitter favorite NotMikeDunleavy: "This Stephen Jackson trade alters the entire balance of power among teams that will win less than 30 games."
-Also from Faux Mike: "W's told Cavs they wanted significant talent in exchange for SJ. Cavs' response? 'We have none.'"
-Speaking of which, since when do Vladdy Radmanovic and Raja Bell constitute "significant talent?"
-One last thought: pretty sure this isn't the "serious contender" that SJ wanted to get traded to this summer. Hey, we can't all get what we want.
-The Packers aren't as good as people thought, and they're not as bad as people thought. They're somewhere in between, or outside. Yes, I know I am not making sense.
The team goes as the defense goes. We've got an all-or-nothing defense. Either they're creating pressure and forcing turnovers, in which case they can beat anyone in the league, or they're not, in which case they'll struggle to beat anyone.
-The Cowboys--hell, the entire NFC East--aren't as good as people think. Can we just get rid of the two coastal divisions? The entirety of the power balance in the conference is in the North or South--for further evidence see the Cowboys rolling over this week/letting Philly and KC hang around waay too late, the Giants laying four eggs in a row, or the entire NFC West.
-Here's the way the NFC Playoffs shape up so far:
Byes: #1 New Orleans and #2 Minnesota
#6 Green Bay at #3 Dallas
#5 Philadelphia at #4 Arizona
Try picking that mess. I dare you. The 6 seed just shut down the 3 seed, the 4 seed may or may not be a product of a putrid divisional schedule, and the Falcons and Giants are looming (also 5-4 like GB and PHI, but knocked out by tiebreaking procedures for this situation).
Brandon Jennings: The Next AI?
-I am completely willing to admit that I was wrong about Jennings. Coming out of the draft, I couldn't stop thinking about his awful numbers in Italy, his reputation as a slacker, the fact that he went to Italy instead of college because of piss-poor grades and test scores. I mean come on, we're talking about a special kind of dumb if you're a McDonalds All-American, yet can't get any colleges to accept you. Are we certain that he spelled his name correctly on the ACT?
Now? I don't give a fuck if he spelled "Jennings" with a 6. The list of rookies who have put up 55 points are as follows: Jennings, Wilt Chamberlain, Rick Barry, Earl Monroe, Elgin Baylor. That's some serious company. The last rookie to go off for 50 or more? Allen Iverson, in 1997. Before that? Elvin Hayes in 1968.
-We need to get dude a supporting cast. I argued several months ago that the reason Iverson developed into the player he was (selfish, ball-hogging, but the best 1 on 5 player in history) was because he spent the majority of his career with Eric Snow or Samuel Dalembert as his de facto #2 option. Jennings is in a similar situation--Andrew Bogut is not a legitimate second option. If the Bucks were smart, they'd try and get some young pieces for Michael Redd. But they're not.
Stephen Jackson Jumps
-From Twitter favorite NotMikeDunleavy: "This Stephen Jackson trade alters the entire balance of power among teams that will win less than 30 games."
-Also from Faux Mike: "W's told Cavs they wanted significant talent in exchange for SJ. Cavs' response? 'We have none.'"
-Speaking of which, since when do Vladdy Radmanovic and Raja Bell constitute "significant talent?"
-One last thought: pretty sure this isn't the "serious contender" that SJ wanted to get traded to this summer. Hey, we can't all get what we want.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Dissecting the NFL Season and picking for Week 10
Interesting results in ESPN SportsNation's mid-season poll today.
-Four of the eight divisions in the NFL are already 90% certain or better. And Arizona's 89.2% basically makes it five of eight. The lesson? Evening the economic playing field does not guarantee parity. It just evens the economic playing field. As Eric Mangini and co. prove, you just can't fix stupid.
-The best percentage for a team finishing third in their division's poll? The New York Football Giants, with 5.4%. In second behind them? The Dolphins, with 2%. The lesson? It's a very top-and-bottom-heavy league this year. The best teams are really, really good; and the worst teams suck something awful.
-The Cardinals are given 89.2% in their division, and 1.8% in the NFC altogether. The lesson? The NFC West sucks. Hard.
-The Vikings are second to the Saints in the "who will win the NFC" poll, but lead the "who will win the Super Bowl" poll. The lesson? Brett Favre cannot be beaten in the Super Bowl.
The disparity in the league is a mixed blessing. As entertaining as the first half of the season has been, the second half probably won't keep up that excitement. Most divisions should be clinched with a few weeks to spare. And the dregs of the league have little chance against anyone competitive, so the odds of seeing a playoff race spoiled by a plucky underdog are not good.
On that uplifting note, let's get to the picks.
Bears (+3.5) over 49ers
Can't believe the Niners can be favored after losing four games in a row against anyone not from St. Louis or Cleveland. Gregg Easterbrook's analysis of the Niners three weeks in a row now (kowtowing to Michael Crabtree sent the team the message that the team-first approach of Mike Singletary was all a load of bullshit) is looking more accurate every week.
Jaguars (+7) over JETS
I smell another Mark Sanchez clunker. Every few weeks he's good for a completion percentage in the 40s, three or more picks, and a QB rating below the Derek Anderson Line. Just a hunch he's due for another one.
Broncos (-4.5) over REDSKINS
Dan Snyder is about three weeks away from outlawing booing at any home games. But hey, any time you're 2-4 against teams entering the game with no wins, it's just not your year.
Bengals (+7) over STEELERS
Both teams are 6-2, the Bengals won the first matchup, but the Steelers are favored by 7? Really? Seems kind of high. Steelers win by 3, but fail to cover.
TITANS (-7) over Bills
It is Thursday afternoon, and it would not surprise me in the slightest if a Bills assistant just told a surprised Dick Jauron that Vince Young, not Kerry Collins, is now starting for the Titans.
(In other words, the Bills might be the worst-coached team not involving Art Shell in recent memory, and the odds of them having a successful game plan to stop Young are about the same odds of Jauron getting struck by lightning on the sideline.)
VIKINGS (-16.5) over Lions
These next two lines are a combined 31 points. And you know what? They could be a combined 60 points and I still wouldn't blink on either one. I predict multiple interceptions for Matt Stafford, a four-sack performance from Jared Allen, and a Daunte Culpepper sighting before the end of the third quarter.
Saints (-14.5) over RAMS
Actually, let's adjust this line a little bit to make it fair.
Saints (-35) over RAMS
Better. The Rams would be a contending team in the Sun Belt Conference, maybe. They're about four or five great drafts away. I mean, without Steven Jackson, who else do they have that starts for more than two or three other teams around the league--if that?
PANTHERS (+3) over Falcons
Yes, Jake Delhomme scares me. But the Carolina rushing attack against the Falcons' rush defense scares me more.
Buccaneers (+10) over DOLPHINS
This one doesn't feel like it's getting any further than 7 points either way. And Josh Freeman might be competent. Luckily, we've got a mega-high line to toy with this week while we figure it out.
Chiefs (+1.5) over RAIDERS
I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Seahawks (+9) over CARDINALS
The Seahawks aren't that bad. Take out the Seneca Wallace era, and they're right in the division hunt. Worth mentioning.
CHARGERS (+1) over Eagles
This line is Vegas's way of throwing it's hands up in the air and saying "We have no idea who will win this game." Even when he was lying on the ground concussed, Brian Westbrook looked more alive than LaDanian Tomlinson most weeks. But I see Rivers airing it out early and often for the win in this one.
PACKERS (+3) over Cowboys
Aaron Rodgers on a mission a week after throwing three picks? Check. Mark Tauscher back in the lineup after missing the second half last week? Check. Tony Romo, yipping and ready to throw this one away if it's close? Check. Wade Phillips, ready to make enough questionable calls to give Romo said opportunity to choke? Check.
COLTS (-2.5) over Patriots
The Patriots are good. But the Colts are on another level in the AFC this year. I'm riding them until they prove me wrong.
Ravens (-11) over BROWNS
Monday Night Football's first snoozer of the year. The third line that can't be high enough this week. I predict the return of Brady Quinn at some point in this game.
-Four of the eight divisions in the NFL are already 90% certain or better. And Arizona's 89.2% basically makes it five of eight. The lesson? Evening the economic playing field does not guarantee parity. It just evens the economic playing field. As Eric Mangini and co. prove, you just can't fix stupid.
-The best percentage for a team finishing third in their division's poll? The New York Football Giants, with 5.4%. In second behind them? The Dolphins, with 2%. The lesson? It's a very top-and-bottom-heavy league this year. The best teams are really, really good; and the worst teams suck something awful.
-The Cardinals are given 89.2% in their division, and 1.8% in the NFC altogether. The lesson? The NFC West sucks. Hard.
-The Vikings are second to the Saints in the "who will win the NFC" poll, but lead the "who will win the Super Bowl" poll. The lesson? Brett Favre cannot be beaten in the Super Bowl.
The disparity in the league is a mixed blessing. As entertaining as the first half of the season has been, the second half probably won't keep up that excitement. Most divisions should be clinched with a few weeks to spare. And the dregs of the league have little chance against anyone competitive, so the odds of seeing a playoff race spoiled by a plucky underdog are not good.
On that uplifting note, let's get to the picks.
Bears (+3.5) over 49ers
Can't believe the Niners can be favored after losing four games in a row against anyone not from St. Louis or Cleveland. Gregg Easterbrook's analysis of the Niners three weeks in a row now (kowtowing to Michael Crabtree sent the team the message that the team-first approach of Mike Singletary was all a load of bullshit) is looking more accurate every week.
Jaguars (+7) over JETS
I smell another Mark Sanchez clunker. Every few weeks he's good for a completion percentage in the 40s, three or more picks, and a QB rating below the Derek Anderson Line. Just a hunch he's due for another one.
Broncos (-4.5) over REDSKINS
Dan Snyder is about three weeks away from outlawing booing at any home games. But hey, any time you're 2-4 against teams entering the game with no wins, it's just not your year.
Bengals (+7) over STEELERS
Both teams are 6-2, the Bengals won the first matchup, but the Steelers are favored by 7? Really? Seems kind of high. Steelers win by 3, but fail to cover.
TITANS (-7) over Bills
It is Thursday afternoon, and it would not surprise me in the slightest if a Bills assistant just told a surprised Dick Jauron that Vince Young, not Kerry Collins, is now starting for the Titans.
(In other words, the Bills might be the worst-coached team not involving Art Shell in recent memory, and the odds of them having a successful game plan to stop Young are about the same odds of Jauron getting struck by lightning on the sideline.)
VIKINGS (-16.5) over Lions
These next two lines are a combined 31 points. And you know what? They could be a combined 60 points and I still wouldn't blink on either one. I predict multiple interceptions for Matt Stafford, a four-sack performance from Jared Allen, and a Daunte Culpepper sighting before the end of the third quarter.
Saints (-14.5) over RAMS
Actually, let's adjust this line a little bit to make it fair.
Saints (-35) over RAMS
Better. The Rams would be a contending team in the Sun Belt Conference, maybe. They're about four or five great drafts away. I mean, without Steven Jackson, who else do they have that starts for more than two or three other teams around the league--if that?
PANTHERS (+3) over Falcons
Yes, Jake Delhomme scares me. But the Carolina rushing attack against the Falcons' rush defense scares me more.
Buccaneers (+10) over DOLPHINS
This one doesn't feel like it's getting any further than 7 points either way. And Josh Freeman might be competent. Luckily, we've got a mega-high line to toy with this week while we figure it out.
Chiefs (+1.5) over RAIDERS
I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Seahawks (+9) over CARDINALS
The Seahawks aren't that bad. Take out the Seneca Wallace era, and they're right in the division hunt. Worth mentioning.
CHARGERS (+1) over Eagles
This line is Vegas's way of throwing it's hands up in the air and saying "We have no idea who will win this game." Even when he was lying on the ground concussed, Brian Westbrook looked more alive than LaDanian Tomlinson most weeks. But I see Rivers airing it out early and often for the win in this one.
PACKERS (+3) over Cowboys
Aaron Rodgers on a mission a week after throwing three picks? Check. Mark Tauscher back in the lineup after missing the second half last week? Check. Tony Romo, yipping and ready to throw this one away if it's close? Check. Wade Phillips, ready to make enough questionable calls to give Romo said opportunity to choke? Check.
COLTS (-2.5) over Patriots
The Patriots are good. But the Colts are on another level in the AFC this year. I'm riding them until they prove me wrong.
Ravens (-11) over BROWNS
Monday Night Football's first snoozer of the year. The third line that can't be high enough this week. I predict the return of Brady Quinn at some point in this game.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Economics of Baseball 101 (or Why the JJ Hardy Trade Makes Doug Melvin Look Mildly Retarded)
So, despite my Internet monicker (featured in the url of this particular blog), I've focused largely on football since starting up. This is largely due to the crappiness of baseball played in my home area this year, coupled with the fact that it's football season. That, and the Yankees winning the World Series (which deserves it's own hateful little column). But today's news that the Brewers had dealt J.J. Hardy to the Twins for Carlos Gomez, I couldn't let slide.
Doug Melvin, you ought to be ashamed of yourself for this one.
Is it a completely indefensible trade? Hardly. With Alciedes Escobar around, Hardy was expendable. And Gomez allows the Crew to part ways with Mike Cameron and his $10m salary which, when combined with the $4m the Brewers no longer have to pay Hardy, can be used to pursue a free agent pitcher or two. From the opportunity cost angle, the move makes sense. However, there are two major flaws to this argument.
1. It's easy to overthink things in sports. And when you boil this trade down to it's bare fundamentals, it's crazy. We're giving up a shortstop two years removed from the All-Star Game for a fourth outfielder with a career line that suggests a ceiling of .260-15-75. That's not even close to even.
And that's the thing. Maybe we're clearing out space for need areas, but who says we can't do that in a trade that actually gets us something of value? The 2009 season ended two days ago. We've got five months until any actual games are played. You're telling me we couldn't wait a few months for some better offers to come in? As I Twittered after hearing of the deal, this is a classic example of a team being in such a hurry to unload a player that they forget that they are supposed to actually get something in return.
(Then again, since the Bucks basically dealt Richard Jefferson for a Gatorade bucket and two cases of athletic tape, maybe the Brewers just felt peer pressure to crush their fans with a one-sided trade. You never know.)
2. Hey, $14m to spend for the free agent pitcher pool! Sounds awesome, right. Here's Jayson Stark of ESPN.com's take on the class of 2010. Some quotables:
Yes, the Brewers can still trade for a pitcher who might be better than the crop of yo-yos on the open market. But we just gave away our most valuable trading chip for virtually nothing! The deal makes even less sense if we're planning on trading for a pitcher--instead of giving up something of value to us for said pitcher, we could've given up Hardy, who we apparently have no interest in keeping around.
Three years ago, we were very much on the right track. Even the playoff push two years ago was beautiful to watch. But it seems like since then, Melvin and the rest of the front office staff have been making decisions that lead me to believe they are happy with .500 ball. The thing is: I'm not, and most of the Brewer faithful aren't either.
Doug Melvin, you ought to be ashamed of yourself for this one.
Is it a completely indefensible trade? Hardly. With Alciedes Escobar around, Hardy was expendable. And Gomez allows the Crew to part ways with Mike Cameron and his $10m salary which, when combined with the $4m the Brewers no longer have to pay Hardy, can be used to pursue a free agent pitcher or two. From the opportunity cost angle, the move makes sense. However, there are two major flaws to this argument.
1. It's easy to overthink things in sports. And when you boil this trade down to it's bare fundamentals, it's crazy. We're giving up a shortstop two years removed from the All-Star Game for a fourth outfielder with a career line that suggests a ceiling of .260-15-75. That's not even close to even.
And that's the thing. Maybe we're clearing out space for need areas, but who says we can't do that in a trade that actually gets us something of value? The 2009 season ended two days ago. We've got five months until any actual games are played. You're telling me we couldn't wait a few months for some better offers to come in? As I Twittered after hearing of the deal, this is a classic example of a team being in such a hurry to unload a player that they forget that they are supposed to actually get something in return.
(Then again, since the Bucks basically dealt Richard Jefferson for a Gatorade bucket and two cases of athletic tape, maybe the Brewers just felt peer pressure to crush their fans with a one-sided trade. You never know.)
2. Hey, $14m to spend for the free agent pitcher pool! Sounds awesome, right. Here's Jayson Stark of ESPN.com's take on the class of 2010. Some quotables:
"I don't think there's one [starting] pitcher in this entire group I'd invest a lot of money in. Not one."--A GM on the upcoming free-agent class
"Risky" … "weak" … "terrible" … "mediocre" … "thin" … "roll-of-the-dice" … "one-year-contract" … and "fortunate" -- because "these guys are going to get overpaid."--Taken from a survey of MLB general managers asked to describe the free-agent class in one word
"There are some guys in this group who are dependable. Except they're dependable to give you 5.00 ERAs and 180 innings. And that's not what you want to build a staff around."--an American League executiveIn other words: just up the Milwaukee sports scene's alley! Just what we need--the pitching version of Jeffrey Hammonds! I will now smash my head in a George Foreman grill.
Yes, the Brewers can still trade for a pitcher who might be better than the crop of yo-yos on the open market. But we just gave away our most valuable trading chip for virtually nothing! The deal makes even less sense if we're planning on trading for a pitcher--instead of giving up something of value to us for said pitcher, we could've given up Hardy, who we apparently have no interest in keeping around.
Three years ago, we were very much on the right track. Even the playoff push two years ago was beautiful to watch. But it seems like since then, Melvin and the rest of the front office staff have been making decisions that lead me to believe they are happy with .500 ball. The thing is: I'm not, and most of the Brewer faithful aren't either.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Random Thoughts: 11/2
-Watching Brett Favre's two games against the Packers was frustrating not because we lost, or not because of his combined seven touchdowns in the two games (Side note: shoot me now. Please). The most painful thing to see was his zero interceptions. It's like seeing your psycho ex-wife in public for the first time, waiting for the inevitable point where she always made a scene in public... only it never comes. We knew that Favre was capable of stretches of greatness. What is unfamiliar to any Packer fan who has followed the team this decade is that he has thrown only three interceptions in seven games. Just unreal.
-As if that wasn't bad enough, my fantasy team ran into Chris Johnson this week. And Owen Daniels, who has been the Bigfoot-common "consistently spectacular tight end" all year. Now I'm sitting at 5-3, tied for first in the division, with Daniels dropped (he's out for the year) and Brian Westbrook (my first-round pick) in limbo. Not a fun weekend football-wise.
-So let's get it straight... Peyton Manning is the most clutch quarterback in the NFL, the Red Sox are the overpriced team that can't get out of the ALDS, the Yankees are trying to get the playoff monkey off their backs, and Alex Rodriguez is delivering clutch hits at a record pace. Apparently, it's Bizarro 2004, and nobody bothered to tell me. Johnny Damon is even clean-shaven. Who knew?
-It's about damn time that Carolina took the game out of Jake Delhomme's hands. Led by DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, the Panthers proved that they are capable of winning--as long as they don't let Delhomme beat them.
-The Giants just aren't good. Now we know.
-Indianapolis gave us quite a scare, almost blowing one to San Fran. It marked the first win by an incumbent #2 in my Power Poll (Baltimore went 0-3 while holding the spot). We're far from out of the woods though--the possibility of a "#2 curse" is still very real. Stay tuned.
-As if that wasn't bad enough, my fantasy team ran into Chris Johnson this week. And Owen Daniels, who has been the Bigfoot-common "consistently spectacular tight end" all year. Now I'm sitting at 5-3, tied for first in the division, with Daniels dropped (he's out for the year) and Brian Westbrook (my first-round pick) in limbo. Not a fun weekend football-wise.
-So let's get it straight... Peyton Manning is the most clutch quarterback in the NFL, the Red Sox are the overpriced team that can't get out of the ALDS, the Yankees are trying to get the playoff monkey off their backs, and Alex Rodriguez is delivering clutch hits at a record pace. Apparently, it's Bizarro 2004, and nobody bothered to tell me. Johnny Damon is even clean-shaven. Who knew?
-It's about damn time that Carolina took the game out of Jake Delhomme's hands. Led by DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, the Panthers proved that they are capable of winning--as long as they don't let Delhomme beat them.
-The Giants just aren't good. Now we know.
-Indianapolis gave us quite a scare, almost blowing one to San Fran. It marked the first win by an incumbent #2 in my Power Poll (Baltimore went 0-3 while holding the spot). We're far from out of the woods though--the possibility of a "#2 curse" is still very real. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe presents The Your Name Here NFL Power Rankings: Week 8 Edition (Part II)
This afternoon, we took a look at Part I of the Power Rankings--or, as it could've been called, "The Anti-Playoffs Revisited." Tonight, we shift our focus from the processed lunch meat of the NFL to the Kobe beef--or at least the sirloin.
(Mmm... sirloin)
(Parentheses denotes rank in the Week 3 Power Rankings)
I Can't Take You Seriously As A Contender
16. Philadelphia (15)
They lost to the fucking Raiders. I can't take them seriously as a contender since that.
(When London Fletcher's knee raped Brian Westbrook in the head, I considered dousing myself in kerosene and finding a fireplace to jump into. Worst fantasy injury of the year, save for that guy sticking a giant fork in LaDanian Tomlinson's back. Take out the Saints Week 2, and they've got one of the easiest-looking schedules in recent memory. Sorry, Philly.)
15. NY Jets (8)
If your rookie quarterback is at double-digit interceptions at this point in the season, I can't take you seriously as a contender.
(Has there ever been a more hyped trade that wasn't really all that impressive before Braylon Edwards went to the Jets? So you're adding the most stone-handed WR in the league? Congrats, guys.
14. Arizona (19)
If you're playing in the NFC West, even if you're leading the division, I can't take you seriously as a (Super Bowl) contender. Though, as stated with the Niners, I cheerfully look forward to betting against you in the playoffs. Worst division in football history. Easily.
13. Dallas (12)
If you're quarterback and coach both graduated from the Karl Malone School of Inexplicably and Incurably Getting The Yips During Big Games, I can't take you seriously as a contender.
(Yes, this is two straight Power Rankings in which I've compared Romo to Malone. No, nobody else seems to have picked up on this comparison. Yes, I will continue to beat it into the ground until everyone else notices. Any more questions?)
The Flawed Contenders
12. Baltimore (2)
They're 0-3 since I Power Ranked them 2nd and deemed them the Dyansty to Watch for the coming decade. The lesson, as always? There's a reason I'm not doing this shit for ESPN Insider. Though I still think they're a legit contender, as long as they can figure out how to stop the pass.
11. Atlanta (9)
They do everything good, but nothing really great. They beat the teams they should, but can't quite compete with the elites. Most of their players fit the team well: very good, but comes up just short of great. Then again, compared to the Joey Harrington-led team of two years ago, you can't really complain about that.
10. Green Bay (11)
It's frustrating, really: give this team a passably good offensive line and they're one of the top two teams in the NFC. Aaron Rodgers has emerged as an All-Pro quarterback, the defense has turnover-forcing ability all around, Ryan Grant is good enough to be threatening... only the line can't keep anyone at bay.
(Unintentional Comedy of the Week: The article in the Journal-Sentinel the other day praising Allen Barbre for coming on the past two weeks after a shaky start--but neglecting to mention that the opponents these two weeks were Detroit and Cleveland, who are a combined 2-13.)
(Tragedy of the Week: The pain that Jared "The Mullet" Allen will inflict on Rodgers this weekend. The best pass rusher in the league against the worst pass protection in the league? Yipes.)
Looking Legitimate
9. Houston (17)
Best play-calling in the league. They've finally hit the epiphany. "Hey, we've got Steve Slaton and Andre Johnson, two of the most explosive players in the league. Let's give the ball to Slaton to keep the defense respecting the run, and have Johnson go deep and air it out to him to spread them out. When you've simply got the two most talented players on the field, maybe you should utilize one of them as close to 100% of the time as possible!"
8. Cincinatti (6)
7. Pittsburgh (16)
These two might as well be a coin flip. Both 5-2, within five points of each other in differential, Cincy won by 3 at home during Week 3 (home field is generally considered to be worth a field goal, at least when determining point spreads. If, of course, gambling were legal). They both have byes this week, then meet in Week 10. That game could decide the AFC North.
Contenders, Not Favorites
6. Minnesota (7)
Brett Favre has won them one game (the last-play Hail Mary against SF, a play only Favre or possibly Joe Montana could make out of every quarterback to ever play the game) and lost them another one (this past weekend against PIT, when his scoop-and-score and pick-six singlehandedly handed the game to the Men of Steel, plays only Favre or possibly Tony Romo could make out of every quarterback to play the game). These guys are just as 6-1 with Sage Rosenfels at the helm.
5. NY Giants (4)
They're ranked this high based on brand name and won-loss record. Losing to the Saints was expected, and they outplayed Arizona but were done in by the return of uber-shaky Elisha Manning. If he rebounds, they're in good shape. If he doesn't, they're in trouble--and with Philly, Atlanta and Denver sandwiching the Chargers and a bye, trouble could come very soon and very heavily.
The "Nobody Believed In Us!" Division
4. New England (13)
Quarterback coming back off of knee surgery... missed the playoffs last year... lukewarm start... and two resounding wins. Yes, they can pound the crappy teams into the ground. And they've got quality wins over Atlanta and Baltimore. But they come back from their bye week with Miami twice sandwiched around a very tough slate: Indy, the Jets (who beat them back in Week 2) and New Orleans. Run the table, and they probably sit at #1. Drop all three, and they're looking up at the Jets.
3. Denver (5)
Undefeated, with wins over Cincy, Dallas, and New England. Gotta give them respect now. Baltimore and Pittsburgh back to back now--two possible stumbling blocks. I don't see them running the table, but I don't see San Diego, Oakland or Kansas City rising from the dregs to challenge them. And three games remaining against the latter two teams guarantees them a nine-win season, which is more than anyone took them for at the beginning.
The Unquestionable Best
2. Indianapolis (3)
After two ugly wins to start the season, the Ponies have been on cruise control. Peyton Manning, known for his inability to carry his team early in his career, looks like a goddamned assassin on the field. He's reached "Brady in '07, Favre in '96" territory: you absolutely know he is going to crush you, it's just a matter of when, where, and how hard. And Reggie Wayne looks about as hard to cover as a ghost.
1. New Orleans (1)
They're averaging almost 40 points per game. In games in which Drew Brees tops 250 yards per passing, they've scored at least 40 every time. They've got the best quarterback of the decade, two underrated running backs, a gamebreaking tight end, and can go 4 wide with guys who would start on most teams in the league. And they hold this spot for the second time in a row.
(Mmm... sirloin)
(Parentheses denotes rank in the Week 3 Power Rankings)
I Can't Take You Seriously As A Contender
16. Philadelphia (15)
They lost to the fucking Raiders. I can't take them seriously as a contender since that.
(When London Fletcher's knee raped Brian Westbrook in the head, I considered dousing myself in kerosene and finding a fireplace to jump into. Worst fantasy injury of the year, save for that guy sticking a giant fork in LaDanian Tomlinson's back. Take out the Saints Week 2, and they've got one of the easiest-looking schedules in recent memory. Sorry, Philly.)
15. NY Jets (8)
If your rookie quarterback is at double-digit interceptions at this point in the season, I can't take you seriously as a contender.
(Has there ever been a more hyped trade that wasn't really all that impressive before Braylon Edwards went to the Jets? So you're adding the most stone-handed WR in the league? Congrats, guys.
14. Arizona (19)
If you're playing in the NFC West, even if you're leading the division, I can't take you seriously as a (Super Bowl) contender. Though, as stated with the Niners, I cheerfully look forward to betting against you in the playoffs. Worst division in football history. Easily.
13. Dallas (12)
If you're quarterback and coach both graduated from the Karl Malone School of Inexplicably and Incurably Getting The Yips During Big Games, I can't take you seriously as a contender.
(Yes, this is two straight Power Rankings in which I've compared Romo to Malone. No, nobody else seems to have picked up on this comparison. Yes, I will continue to beat it into the ground until everyone else notices. Any more questions?)
The Flawed Contenders
12. Baltimore (2)
They're 0-3 since I Power Ranked them 2nd and deemed them the Dyansty to Watch for the coming decade. The lesson, as always? There's a reason I'm not doing this shit for ESPN Insider. Though I still think they're a legit contender, as long as they can figure out how to stop the pass.
11. Atlanta (9)
They do everything good, but nothing really great. They beat the teams they should, but can't quite compete with the elites. Most of their players fit the team well: very good, but comes up just short of great. Then again, compared to the Joey Harrington-led team of two years ago, you can't really complain about that.
10. Green Bay (11)
It's frustrating, really: give this team a passably good offensive line and they're one of the top two teams in the NFC. Aaron Rodgers has emerged as an All-Pro quarterback, the defense has turnover-forcing ability all around, Ryan Grant is good enough to be threatening... only the line can't keep anyone at bay.
(Unintentional Comedy of the Week: The article in the Journal-Sentinel the other day praising Allen Barbre for coming on the past two weeks after a shaky start--but neglecting to mention that the opponents these two weeks were Detroit and Cleveland, who are a combined 2-13.)
(Tragedy of the Week: The pain that Jared "The Mullet" Allen will inflict on Rodgers this weekend. The best pass rusher in the league against the worst pass protection in the league? Yipes.)
Looking Legitimate
9. Houston (17)
Best play-calling in the league. They've finally hit the epiphany. "Hey, we've got Steve Slaton and Andre Johnson, two of the most explosive players in the league. Let's give the ball to Slaton to keep the defense respecting the run, and have Johnson go deep and air it out to him to spread them out. When you've simply got the two most talented players on the field, maybe you should utilize one of them as close to 100% of the time as possible!"
8. Cincinatti (6)
7. Pittsburgh (16)
These two might as well be a coin flip. Both 5-2, within five points of each other in differential, Cincy won by 3 at home during Week 3 (home field is generally considered to be worth a field goal, at least when determining point spreads. If, of course, gambling were legal). They both have byes this week, then meet in Week 10. That game could decide the AFC North.
Contenders, Not Favorites
6. Minnesota (7)
Brett Favre has won them one game (the last-play Hail Mary against SF, a play only Favre or possibly Joe Montana could make out of every quarterback to ever play the game) and lost them another one (this past weekend against PIT, when his scoop-and-score and pick-six singlehandedly handed the game to the Men of Steel, plays only Favre or possibly Tony Romo could make out of every quarterback to play the game). These guys are just as 6-1 with Sage Rosenfels at the helm.
5. NY Giants (4)
They're ranked this high based on brand name and won-loss record. Losing to the Saints was expected, and they outplayed Arizona but were done in by the return of uber-shaky Elisha Manning. If he rebounds, they're in good shape. If he doesn't, they're in trouble--and with Philly, Atlanta and Denver sandwiching the Chargers and a bye, trouble could come very soon and very heavily.
The "Nobody Believed In Us!" Division
4. New England (13)
Quarterback coming back off of knee surgery... missed the playoffs last year... lukewarm start... and two resounding wins. Yes, they can pound the crappy teams into the ground. And they've got quality wins over Atlanta and Baltimore. But they come back from their bye week with Miami twice sandwiched around a very tough slate: Indy, the Jets (who beat them back in Week 2) and New Orleans. Run the table, and they probably sit at #1. Drop all three, and they're looking up at the Jets.
3. Denver (5)
Undefeated, with wins over Cincy, Dallas, and New England. Gotta give them respect now. Baltimore and Pittsburgh back to back now--two possible stumbling blocks. I don't see them running the table, but I don't see San Diego, Oakland or Kansas City rising from the dregs to challenge them. And three games remaining against the latter two teams guarantees them a nine-win season, which is more than anyone took them for at the beginning.
The Unquestionable Best
2. Indianapolis (3)
After two ugly wins to start the season, the Ponies have been on cruise control. Peyton Manning, known for his inability to carry his team early in his career, looks like a goddamned assassin on the field. He's reached "Brady in '07, Favre in '96" territory: you absolutely know he is going to crush you, it's just a matter of when, where, and how hard. And Reggie Wayne looks about as hard to cover as a ghost.
1. New Orleans (1)
They're averaging almost 40 points per game. In games in which Drew Brees tops 250 yards per passing, they've scored at least 40 every time. They've got the best quarterback of the decade, two underrated running backs, a gamebreaking tight end, and can go 4 wide with guys who would start on most teams in the league. And they hold this spot for the second time in a row.
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