The Ten Commandments of Fantasy Sports

To say I'm a little bit too much into fantasy sports might be the understatement of the century. I'm in one baseball dynasty league, and drafting for another. I know more about minor league prospects than the average person knows about Major League players. My football league with guys from my high school is currently in its 5th year of existence--I'm playing in the championship this weekend for the 3rd time of those 5 years, with a 3rd-place finish to boot. I've been playing fantasy sports since I first signed up for a football team in 5th grade--ten years ago. That's roughly half of my life. So yeah, I'm kind of an authority on the subject.

But not everyone is. Some people just don't know what they are doing. And that's what this post is for. For the newbie, trying to figure out just what the hell he should do. For the veteran dumbass, who is fucking up and not realizing it. And for the fantasy virgin, who is considering getting in on the action but doesn't want to look like a dumbass.

Seriously. If you know your sports moderately well, and follow these simple rules, you'll be fine.

I. Thou shalt not bring thy girlfriend to the draft
Seriously. A fantasy draft is a prime example of Guy Time: we can swear, belch, drink, fart, eat greasy junk food, talk biblical amounts of shit to one another, turn the game on in the background, objectify women, and so on. All it takes is one Token Wet Blanket Girlfriend in the room, and that whole balance is thrown to shit. There's a time and a place for everything and everyone: this isn't hers.

(If you're still confused, think about it this way: you wouldn't bring your girlfriend to your friend's bachelor party, would you? And if you answered "yes" to that question, stop reading right now and don't return until you've gotten your balls back.)

II. Thou shalt talk as much shit as humanly possible
This one goes without saying. It's fun to beat your buddy at something: it's even more fun to beat him, then rub it in his face. It's a proven fact: there is a strong, direct correlation between "Insults hurled" and "Fun league."

III. Thou shalt not start unnecessary drama
This one is located here to keep #2 in check. Shit-talking is one thing. Incessant complaining is another. Behind-the-back shit-talking is another. The Baumann Corollary (aptly named after an ex-friend of mine) is in play here: if you are responsible for 75% of the drama for a group of 5 or more people, you need to re-evaluate your life. And the group needs to seriously re-evaluate whether or not it's better off without you.

(Ironically enough, the keeper league that is currently drafting I mentioned earlier had this exact same problem. Same guy starting 95% of the bullshit on the league message board. Smart guy, knowledgeable about baseball, and attentive to his team--but couldn't stop bitching. He quit a week ago, and the general consensus from everyone was "Thank God that douchebag is gone. Unless you're on Jersey Shore, nobody likes the drama-starter. Nobody.)

IV. Thou shalt keep up-to-date on thy goddamn team
You know the guy I'm talking about--he's recognizable by the two DL or IR players in his starting lineup. Maybe he drafted his team and forgot to check it. Maybe he started off 0-4 and his give-a-shit just broke down. Maybe he has an IQ of 40 and forgot the password for his account. No matter the reason, two things will ALWAYS hold steady with these guys, regardless of anything else:
1. They will always have at least 1, sometimes as many as 4, EXTREMELY valuable players on their team. Just enough to keep the threat that one of these guys could light it up on a given week and humiliate the shit out of you.
2. Because this team is stranded in no-man's land, every valuable commodity on their team is off the trading block. Bad times all around.

V. Thou shalt not compromise the integrity of the league by colluding with other owners
It's no coincidence that I made this one the fifth commandment. This is basically the fantasy equivalent of "Thou shalt not murder." It's dirty, slimy, low, and utterly contrary to the competitive spirit of the game. Yet, it still happens. More often than you think. Including in our fledgling fantasy football league during it's first year. Here's the story:

Ten team league, only four make the playoffs.* I was the only high school sophomore in the league, there were three seniors, and the rest were juniors. I was in the same group of friends as all the juniors--we all knew the three seniors, but weren't generally running buddies with any of them. Three weeks til the end of the year, trade deadline comes up. One of the seniors is battling for the 4th seed in the playoffs, the other two are mathematically eliminated. All of a sudden, the two who are out of contention each lopsidedly trade all of their stars to the third for all of his scrubs. Our league used the "vote on trade" feature at the time,** and we needed 6 of 10 votes to overturn it. Those three didn't veto it, one of our guys had long since abandoned his team, and another one of our guys didn't log in midweek and missed the boat on vetoing it. So both trades went through.

To be fair, our commissioner at the time (my buddy Pat) handled the situation about as well as was humanly possible: he nullified the trades, locked the rosters of the two gutting teams (my idea, something he vehemently reminded everyone after the backlash arose), and basically said "fuck you" to all three when they complained. Though the last guy managed to get into the playoffs in the seediest way possible (he played one of his cohorts in the final week of the season, and the guy started Doug Flutie and nobody else to take a dive), he lost in the first round and I trounced him in what might have been the most heated consolation game in fantasy history.

Two morals here:
1. To date, I regard that consolation game win as the highlight of my fantasy career. Better than any random Internet league I've won. Better than my three-championship-games-in-four-years streak. Better than cruising to a 40-game regular season title my rookie year in fantasy baseball, and sweeping through the playoffs without losing a single hitting matchup. Better than the Jermaine Dye-for-Ichiro coup that got me there (this was Ichiro's rookie year, and NOBODY knew what to expect). The fact that I took out the cheater trumps it all. Unless I can pull off a victory this weekend.
2. The three guys involved were not asked back to the league the next year, making them three of four to meet that requirement (the fourth guy violated the First Commandment two years in a row). It takes a lot to not get asked back.

*Exhibit A in the "You Guys Were Asking For Collusion" defense. Regardless of league size, any playoffs of less than three rounds are not nearly as fun. And having a large playoffs pretty much eliminates any payoff to collusion which, in my mind, completely overwhelms any argument against it.
*Exhibit B. As Kent Brockman once said, "Democracy. Doesn't. Work." We used this setup in all leagues through 2007, when it got out of control in our baseball season. Nobody could make any trades--as long as a rival was being helped, people would veto the trade. We considered forming a three-or-five man committee outside the league to review trades, but eventually decided on letting the commissioner do it. I run our football leagues and my buddy Tyler runs all of our baseball leagues, and we both maintain the same school of though on the veto process (namely, "Allow it if it's unfair because of an owner's stupidity, veto it if it's unfair because of collusion"). And it works.

VI. Thou shalt give thy team a hilariously dirty name
This one is getting it's own column at some point in the near future. I rate names on a 4-star scale.
0-star = Anything generic. "Ron's Sluggers," "Tommy's Bonecrusherz," etc. Grow a brain and come back later.
1-star = Something either funny, related to your team, or topical, but not combining any of the above. When I had LaDanian Tomlinson two years in a row, I went with LT=FootballJesus.* Serviceable, but not spectacular.
2-star = Something funny in a dirty way, funny and related to your team, or funny and topical. My buddy Tim's baseball team a few years ago (The Smashing Blumpkins) qualifies. Also, any 3-star name that has been beaten into the ground falls here as well, such as "Tiger's Wood" for any team at this point.
3-star = A two-star with another element added. (Funny/Dirty/Team, or Funny/Dirty/Topical, or Dirty/Team/Topical). Example: several years ago, I had Casey Kotchman as my first baseman, and named my team Casey Crotchman. Simple, yet effective.
4-star = Anything that combines all four elements of a great team name, or a particularly enjoyable 3-star. Also, any 3-star that employs multiple players from your team goes here. My two keeper league baseball teams? Snakes on John Maine and Byrnes when I Peavy. Top that, bitches.

*This was before Adrian Peterson came to the NFL, and before anyone had ever thought about "Purple Jesus." Today? That team name would never fly.

VII. Thou shalt not try to force awful trades down the throats of thy fellow owners
Here's my theory: you get one offer, and 90 seconds of argument to win me over on a trade offer. If I rebuke it for a specific reason, you can argue the merits of that reason once. But the argument cannot reach a standstill. If it does, you need to accept the fact that you can't make me think like you do, and move on. I know I need speed--it doesn't make your Willy Taveras for Dan Haren offer any more appetizing.

(Also, if you are doing this merely through offers on the league website, you get one offer and that's it. I'm not going to give you Aaron Rodgers just so you'll stop annoying me with trade requests. So stop wasting both of our time.)

VIII. Thou shalt not be a Clock Nazi
We all know the guy. If we're doing the draft in someone's basement, he's badgering people to have lists ready and be set to pick right away. If we're doing it online, he's complaining every time the clock takes more than one minute. And if we're doing it long-term over a few months by e-mail or message board, don't start a federal case if I don't drop what I'm doing to log on and pick. If the commissioner isn't running the league out of the short bus, he's going to make sure that there is zero chance of the draft running into the season. Meanwhile, don't get your panties in a wad--just slow down and enjoy the process.

(For the record, one of the other guys in my now-drafting keeper league was notoriously bad at this for about 8 rounds, to the point that I had to call him out on our board. This constituted the other 5% of drama not started by the guy mentioned under the 3rd commandment. And gave him a platform to chime in on--namely, that waiting longer than 15 minutes to pick was an insult to everyone else in the league somehow, as even those arguing against my "I can take as much time as I want as long as I don't max out the clock" point rolled their eyes. The lesson, as always? Don't feed the trolls.)

IX. Thou shalt serve the office of Commissioner faithfully and honorably
Not all that hard. Don't cheat for yourself or your friends, don't fudge any rosters, don't veto any trades for selfish reasons, don't NOT veto any trades in which you are involved in collusion, don't kick anyone out without a very valid reason, etc. Simple, yet it needs to be mentioned.

X. Thou shalt have at least a basic grasp of thy sport before attempting to join a Fantasy league
Just because Yahoo offers Fantasy Golf, Fantasy NASCAR, Fantasy Formula 1, and Fantasy Mexican League Soccer doesn't mean that I should play them. The same goes for you. I've long maintained that the Simple Fan Test should be used here: basically the way it works, if you can lucidly explain the overtime rules and regulations of a given sport, you can consider yourself a fan of it.

And that's that. There are your commandments, my people. Live them, love them, never forget them. And have a Merry Christmas, goddamnit.