If you weren't paying attention, yesterday's Part I can be found here. If you were, you know we've got 15 teams to go. And since we left off with the "Good Bad Team" that is better than all the bad teams but worse than all the good teams, well, today will revolve less around mocking the NFL's failures than it is figuring out who is going to take it all. More fun? Less fun? You decide.
Anywhoodlidoodle, here we go...
The Shitty Division Leaders Division
15. San Diego
Blatantly stolen from one of my Tweeps (and a hugely inspirational fellow young-curmudgeon-cum-blogger), Justin Rebello: "Whoever it was in the NY Times who called [the] Jets-Chargers game the 'No-Ring Circus" deserves a raise." The Chargers are the NFL's version of the old women's axiom: always a bridesmaid, never a bride. They're in the playoffs every year it seems, but always fall apart. Time was, this was because of Marty Schottenheimer. This year, it'll be because they're just not that great of a team, but they're stuck in a division with the Jamaal Charles-less Chiefs, the Jason Campbell-less Raiders, and the Mile High Train Wreck. I'd feel bad for Phil Rivers at this point if everything I've read about him didn't have me convinced that he was a colossal spoiled douche.
14. Houston
"An all-Texas Super Bowl... sweet Jethro Pugh"--Hank Hill
Yeah, that's not happening this year. The Texans are 2-3 against teams not trying to Suck for Luck. But they do have impressive wins over Pittsburgh and a shellacking of Tennessee. Translation? Like every year, the Texans are a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a mystery--not to mention a gambler's nightmare. Inconsistency is not a great quality come playoff time, though. They'll get in on account of their division sucks--what happens beyond that is anyone's guess.
(And yes, I'm aware that I just reverse-jinxed us up a guarantee of an all-Texas Super Bowl. The Cowboys are in a division without a clear favorite, and the Texans would really need to try hard to piss away their division. Then again... Romo in New Orleans or Green Bay. It's not happening. Houston, I could see getting hot come January and making a run. But Romo on the road against one of those teams--I couldn't bet enough against him.)
The Gary Johnson Memorial "Fringe Candidate" Division
13. NY Jets
Since Ron Paul is now polling in the double digits, Gary Johnson takes over as the 2012 version of "Presidential candidate who I like, but has a less than zero chance of winning." Similarly, I like the Jets. I like Rex Ryan, creepy foot fetish and all. I like Bart Scott, who I think is the next-gen version of Ray Lewis. I have had an affinity for LDT ever since he carried me to two straight Fantasy championship games, and I love how he's reinvented himself as a top-of-the-line scat back. But, I'm sorry--Mark Sanchez and Shonn Greene are not winning a title anytime soon. Just sayin'.
12. Tampa Bay
Sorry, Saints fans--but the coming decade of Josh Freeman-Matty Ice-Cam Newton divisional rivalry has me excited. Josh might be fighting through the sophomore jinx right now, but he'll bounce back. This year, the Bucs fall into the same category as the Texans--unpredictable enough that they might beat the Saints, or lay an egg against the Bears. The only problem? The Texans are in a shitty division, in which "inconsistently great" is far and away the favorite. The 'Bucs are in a division with the Falcons and Saints. "Inconsistent" just doesn't cut it.
11. Atlanta
They get the nod over Tampa for this spot largely thanks to strength of schedule--already 4-3, the Falcons are looking at 5 near-guaranteed wins (Indy, Tenn, Minn, Car, Jax) the rest of the way. And the Texans and Bucs are both winnable games. Ten wins is hardly a stretch for them. Tampa, on the other hand? They get Tennessee, Carolina twice, and Jacksonville--then toss-ups against the Falcons, Texans, and Cowboys. You're telling me the Dirty Birds aren't a game better?
10. NY Giants
Say what you will about Eli Manning (and, dear Lord, I have done just that in this space previously)--I'd much rather have the title of "Worst QB to ever win a Super Bowl" than "Best QB to never win a Super Bowl." Warrants mentioning.
The win over Buffalo was huge. But losing to Seattle?! And, let's be real--this coming showdown against Miami is the only guaranteed win on this team's plate the rest of the way. The NFC East is wide-open at this point. Just because the Blue Men are in the driver's seat now doesn't really mean anything.
The Entertaining As Hell Division
9. Baltimore
Put it this way: these guys were ranked at #4 until Monday night's debacle. Baltimore fans are praying that was merely an anomaly, and that this team is finally living up to the potential-dynasty hype I bestowed upon them two seasons ago. And not a sign of an impending collapse. Time will tell. In the meantime, they just lost to the Jaguars, so they'll take a free-fall in the polls.
8. Chicago
All of these teams fall under the following category: extremely fun to watch, more competent than average, probably playoff teams, but just missing the total package. Give me Matt Forte, and I'll put together a championship team. Give me Jay Cutler, and that championship team will putter out in the divisional/conference round. For years now, I've been making the Jay Cutler-Jeff George comparison--just now, I realized that Marshall Faulk-Matt Forte is just as valid. Creepy. Let's hope that the Bears aren't within a decade of drafting their own Peyton Manning, much like the George-Faulk Colts in the early '90s.
7. Detroit
Jesus, what the hell happened? Two weeks ago, Green Bay-Detroit for Thanksgiving looked like the game of the decade. Now, the Lions have lost two straight, Matty Stafford's ankle is giving him trouble, Jahvid Best appears to be out for the year, and Jerome Harrison has a brain tumor. Just a brutal turn of events. On the bright side--Calvin Johnson is still unstoppable, and the Lions are still five wins better than they were a few years ago.
6. Buffalo
I'm still trying to figure out how these guys beat New England. Don't get me wrong--Stevie Johnson has emerged as a top-10 wideout, the entire league is kicking themselves for not picking up on Fred Jackson first, and Ryan Fitzpatrick is the next generation of "game manager" quarterback who makes good decisions, uses the talent around him, and doesn't fuck things up. Perfect fit for this team. The Buffalo fans deserve a playoff team, and I really hope they can hold on and get it this year. Miami twice, Washington, Tennessee, and Denver might be enough to get them there--but they might need to knock a few other ones out, too.
The Dark Horse Division
5. San Francisco
Eerily reminiscent of the '06 Bears. A prototypical "everything but the dining room" team. As Bill Simmons explained it:
"OK, let's say you just bought a new house, only you got soaked on your mortgage and had to go with a 75-25 instead of an 80-20. You're short on funds, so you decide, 'We're going to spend most of our time in the kitchen, TV room and bedroom' and spend all your remaining funds to make those rooms nice: Maybe a 52-inch plasma, comfy sofa, kitchen table, king-sized bed, a few framed pictures, some homey knick-knacks and so on. By the time you're done, every room in the house looks great except for the dining room. Instead of half-assing it and putting a cheap-looking table and chairs in there, or even worse, splurging on a nice table and crappy chairs, you decided to sacrifice that room for 12 months, leave it empty and use that extra money on the rest of the house. It's the right move. And when friends visit and see an empty dining room, you just explain, 'Yeah, we haven't gotten around to that room yet.' They will understand, especially when they see the rest of your kick-ass house."
Aside from the fact that the hypothetical person who got soaked on their mortgage and couldn't afford to furnish their whole house is probably foreclosed and living in Mommy's basement by now, this is the Niners to a T. They've got a big-game runner in Frank Gore. They've got a suffocating D. They've got a rookie coach who ran shit at the college level, and appears to be one of the "runs shit at every level" coaches as opposed to the Pete Carroll variety of "runs shit as long as I can pay my players and nobody else can" type. In a down year, they'd be a favorite. In this NFL? Sorry, but the Empty Dining Room (Alex Smith's new nickname) is enough to drag them down to the 5th spot in the Parade of Homes.
(Like how I carried the dining room analogy at least three jokes longer than I should have? That's what happens when I write these things drunk. Just bear with me here, we're almost done and I'm still somewhat cohesive. Or coherent. Whatever.)
4. Pittsburgh
With a team like this, you have to ignore the Week 1 shellacking at the hands of Baltimore. Maybe it was the lockout, maybe it was the Week One jitters--the point is, we've seen six other examples, and that was not this team. This weekend's matchup with New England will tell us a lot about this team.
(And let's be real--this right here is probably the biggest gap in the poll. From 3-4 is a massive chasm. Maybe that's because Baltimore was supposed to go here until they shat the bed on Monday. But when your 4th best team in the NFL is coming into a "time to prove ourselves" game, well, that's not an encouraging sign for the rest of the league.
3. New Orleans
Does anyone actually remember that these guys blew a winnable game against Tampa just a little over a week ago? No, all I can think of is the revolving door endzone defense the Colts tried to employ Sunday night. Setting an NFL regular-season record for points tends to shorten the memory when it comes to things like that.
The Number One Contender
2. New England
We've been waiting for a New England-Green Bay Super Bowl ever since 2008. Which, of course, means that something will inevitably screw it up. I'm sorry to say, Bill Belichek isn't the same coach he once was. Is he going senile? Maybe just a little bit.
That being said, this team is stacked. I'm not betting against them, that's for sure.
The Potential Dynasty
1. Green Bay
Look, I'm well aware that there may very well come a day where I look at this ranking, and that title, and cry myself to sleep. It can happen. But at this point? Last unbeaten team in the league? With arguably the best big-game quarterback since Montana in his prime? With four--count 'em four--guys who could be a #1 receiver on another team? With a winning streak stretching back to last December? With Charles Woodson preying on young quarterbacks much like Roman Polanski once preyed on young girls? With the Kuhn And Friends backfield providing the perfect supplement to Rodgers' passing attack? I refuse to apologize for this pick, and I refuse to acknowledge anyone who claims that this makes me a homer. Best team in the league right now? You know it.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Presents: The Return of the Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Your Name Here Power Poll! (Part I)
Yes, after a year's hiatus, it's back. One man. Thirty-two teams. And a dream, to figure out who is better than who, who is overrated, and who sucks so hard they could pull a golf ball through a garden hose.
As always, these rankings are completely arbitrary. And as always, if you would like to sponsor the Power Poll, please inquire within. I don't even charge for it--though if you bought me a beer, that'd be sweet shit.
The Andrew Luck Division
32. Indianapolis
Yeesh, I can smell this team all the way up in Oshkosh. Just last night, they lost 62-7. Sixty two to seven!!! That's not an NFL score, that's a "D-I powerhouse playing Cupcake State in non-conference play" score.
Look, I know the popular joke to make is "Peyton Manning should get a decade of post-dated MVP awards the way they're playing without him!" But let's be real: Peyton Manning would have done absolutely nothing to stop the Saints from carving up the defense for 62 points. I'd argue that Manning's shoulder falling off was the best thing that could've happened for his legacy. He avoids this season's train wreck, goes out as an elite quarterback, avoids the brutal late-career slowdown that tainted so many careers (for recent examples see McNabb, Donovan and Favre, Brett--every Vikings fan reading this just tried to flush their own head down the toilet), and on top of which he now gets an unduly large portion of the credit for the past decade-plus of success. Sure, Manning was great, and the major reason those teams were so good. But it will now be remembered that he was the only reason they were that good--which is unfair to the likes of Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, Marvin Harrison, Marcus Pollard, Bob Sanders, and every other talented piece of those teams.
31. Miami
Look, I would not argue if you placed these guys at 32. Blowing a 15-point lead in three minutes against a gimmicky quarterback making his first pro start? Reggie Bush showing that he really did suck all this time? A season of Brandon Marshall running forty-yard sprints as the likes of Matt Moore underthrows him time and again? A season of Marshall returning to the huddle after, staring down Moore and melting whatever confidence he had left? Ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Miami Dolphins! Good thing their fan base has looming Medicare insolvency to keep their minds off the season.
(One last note on the 'Fins: if signing JP Losman is ever the answer, the question shouldn't even be asked.)
Quite Possibly the Shittiest Division in Football History
30. St. Louis
Technically, St. Louis is kind of a crossover between these two divisions. The most disappointing team in football thus far. Remember when "hey, maybe St. Louis will go 8-8 and win the NFC West" was a smart pick? Injuries to Sam Bradford and Steven Jackson are largely responsible for St. Louis failing to post a multiple-touchdown game this season. If they stay healthy (iffy), Brandon Lloyd represents an upgrade over the Brandon Gibson-Darnario Alexander-Greg Salas pu-pu platter (a certainty), and San Francisco falls apart (don't count it out), they're not out of it yet. Making them the first 0-6 team ever to be "not out of it yet."
29. Arizona
Kevin Kolb is on pace to set NFL records for intentional grounding and passes thrown off his back foot. So, to recap, the Cards traded an All-Pro cornerback and a second-round pick for a quarterback who is afraid of contact. Something they probably would have liked to know before making him the center of the offense. In their only win this season, they gave up 422 passing yards to a rookie quarterback in his first NFL game. Not exactly a ringing endorsement.
28. Seattle
Your current second place holders in the NFC West... led by the immortal Marshawn Lynch (who is a year removed from being the fourth-string back on a losing team) and Tarvaris Jackson (who is Tarvaris Jackson). And are coached by Pete Carroll, who is a fantastic coach as long as he can pay his players and his opponents can't. Which pretty much rules them out, unless the NFL can somehow sub the Los Angeles Dodgers onto their schedule.
(Yes, these three teams will all each play each other twice. Which means two Jackson-Kolb matchups that have Vegas already trembling with fear. Who will prevail, the resistable force or the movable object? Jackson's erratic passing, or Kolb's erratic pocket behavior? All I know is I'm not touching either of those matchups.)
The "Our Rookie Quarterback Gives Us Hope For The Future" Division
27. Jacksonville
They've reached 20 points only once this season. Their allegedly elite running back has reached 100 yards only twice this season, despite being thefocal point only toothful part of their offense. Their only wide receivers with more than 10 catches are two guys named Mike Thomas and Jason Hill. All signs point to a team that can't score points. And you usually can't win games without scoring points, unless Joe Flacco decides to give them to you.
Poor Blaine Gabbert. By any measure, he's performed as well as can be expected for a rookie quarterback with no talent around him--he's avoided self-destruction, and posted numbers far superior to Generic McCown Brother when pressed into duty. Give it a few years, and he'll be Los Angeles's most popular quarterback since Matt Leinart was shredding coed vagina at USC.
26. Minnesota
The Bernard Berrian era is over. Luckily, the Vikings are off this coming week--the extra week should be just what Les Frazier needs to pull out the giant fork sticking out of Donovan McNabb. Time to hang 'em up.
Thing is, this is a .500 team with Christian Ponder at the helm. They played the Packers well. Ponder looked generally passable against everybody but Charles Woodson, who coincidentally has made a hobby out of feasting on rookie quarterbacks. A week of Tebowmania overshadowing his first start, along with a bye week to quell whatever hype remains, and he's going to be a gambler's best friend until everyone realizes how good he is.
25. Carolina
Here's the difference: Ponder and Gabbert both have futures as NFL starters. With Cam Newton, the sky is the limit. Not since Michael Vick has a quarterback made this big of an impact on his offense; and Newton didn't back up for a year first. Steve Smith looks like a hostage victim reunited with his family--just ecstatic to put the whole ordeal behind him, and happy to have a decent support system around him again. If DeAngelo Williams ever figures out how to be explosive again, this team has some bite.
Quite Possibly the Second Shittiest Division in the History of Football
24. Oakland
How bad was the Carson Palmer trade? The Raiders gave up a first and second-round pick for a 31-year-old quarterback who made the Pro Bowl five years ago, and has since battled through two major injuries (Von Oelhoffen snapping his leg in the '06 playoffs, and the nagging shoulder injury which has plagued him and rendered him largely ineffective since '08). The Redskins traded a second and fourth round pick for a quarterback who was two years older than Palmer at the time of the trade, and six times more Pro Bowled over his career. A year later, the Vikings got him for a sixth round pick. The Texans got Matt Schaub for two second-rounders and a swap of first-round picks. The only team to pay for their starter, and pay a comparable price, was the Bears, who sent Kyle Orton, two first-rounders and a third rounder to the Broncos for Jay Cutler and a fifth-round pick. Cutler was 26 at the time, and coming off of a Pro Bowl season. In short: Al Davis may be dead, but his tendency to overpay for crappy quarterbacks must have rubbed off on the rest of the organization.
(Yes, Oakland is 4-3. Three of those wins came with the surprisingly competent Jason Campbell at the helm for the whole game, and the fourth came in the game that saw Campbell knocked out and the Raiders pull it out on a fake punt--against the Browns. After this past weekend, it's hard to believe that they'll win another 4 the rest of the way.)
23. Denver
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, please save us from the Tebowmania that is sure to come.
Look, as someone who plug-and-played Godboy during Tom Brady's bye week, I couldn't be happier with his late-game resurgence. But let's be objective here. He led a frantic late-game comeback in his backyard against one of the worst teams in recent memory. Just a week ago, Mark Sanchez handled Miami with no late-game heroics necessary, and the media folks love to talk about how bad Sanchez sucks. In the immortal words of Winston Wolf, let's not start sucking each other's dicks yet.
22. Kansas City
Sigh. The AFC West wasn't all that terrible when Jason Campbell was in the picture. But now? Denver sucks, Oakland sucks harder, and the Chiefs somehow find themselves in striking distance, despite no running game to speak of and Matt Cassel trying to do it all singlehandedly. That will happen when half of your games have been against the likes of Donovan McNabb, Curtis Painter, and the Kyle Boller/Carson Palmer combination (or, as they are collectively known, The Shit Sandwich). Miami and Denver (twice) are the only remaining games along those same cupcake lines. If you picked up a "KC to win the West from 0-3" ticket, now would be the time to get max value for that thing.
The Star-Studded Trainwreck Division
21. Philadelphia
Not only are their big-name acquisitions failing to produce, they couldn't even give away Ronnie Brown successfully. While stockpiling hype-happy assets this off-season, the Iggles appparently forgot that LeSean McCoy and Ronnie Brown are both best suited to being the second guy on the depth chart. Meanwhile, Michael Vick has un-learned how to hold on to the football. Not a happy combination. The good news? Other than New England in Week 12, their schedule looks pretty manageable the rest of the way. If they can put the hype behind them, gel as a team, and make the playoffs, I would not want to match up against them at any point.
The Shakier than the San Andreas Fault Division
20. Tennessee
The Good: Chris Johnson; always a force that must be accounted for. A huge win over Baltimore.
The Bad: Matt Hasselbeck; never much of a "force" and now well past his prime. A defense that has given up 38 and 41 points in its last two contests. A loss to Jacksonville, who also beat Baltimore.
The Ugly: All of the "Bad" things listed directly hamper the "Good"s. A mediocre QB and a porous defense are not a running game's best friends.
19. Cleveland
The Good: Peyton Hillis. Can we please just start calling him "White Christian Okoye?" He's the most dominant bruiser back since the Nigerian Nightmare himself. They both were irrationally popular. And they both plied their trades mostly on crappy teams. Also, the rest of the way they get St. Louis, Jacksonviille, and Arizona.
The Bad: Colt McCoy--he came into this season straddling the line between "game manager" and "sucks." Now we know which side he falls on. The defense--notwithstanding this past weekend's 6-3 snoozefest, they've gotten torched by some less-than-powerhouse teams.
The Ugly: Those three wins came against Miami, Indianapolis, and Seattle. Yikes.
18. Washington
The Good: Fred Davis and Jabar Gaffney have emerged as capable threats next to Santana Moss. The defense is a lot better than you think. And is anyone in the NFC East really all that much more dominant?
The Bad: Rex Grossman/John Beck (another Shit Sandwich). You can get by with them and the aforementioned wideouts as long as you've got a threatening running game. Tim Hightower is not a threatening running game.
The Ugly: Buffalo, San Fran, NY Jets, New England, and a possibly-rejuvenated-by-Week-17 Philly team all remain on the schedule. It's not getting any easier.
17. Dallas
The Good: They've got the best point differential in the East, not a bad loss to their name (NY Jets, New England, Detroit pre-collapse), and a pretty smooth remainder of the schedule. DeMarco Murray might be this year's Arion Foster.
The Bad: Their defense is DeMarcus Ware, Sean Lee, and a collection of has-beens and never-weres. Should this team reach the playoffs, are they really holding their own against Green Bay or New Orleans?
The Ugly: We knew Tony Romo had to go here. As usual, his numbers are good--but they don't tell the whole soul-crushing late-game-choking story.
The Good Bad Team
16. Cincinatti
Every year there's one of these. They beat the teams they are supposed to beat, and lose the games they should lose. Meaning they should get to 6-2 before Pittsburgh and Baltimore bring them back down to earth. But look at it this way, Cincy fans: you're ranked a full nine spots higher than the next best team starting a rookie quarterback!
Tomorrow: The Top 15
As always, these rankings are completely arbitrary. And as always, if you would like to sponsor the Power Poll, please inquire within. I don't even charge for it--though if you bought me a beer, that'd be sweet shit.
The Andrew Luck Division
32. Indianapolis
Yeesh, I can smell this team all the way up in Oshkosh. Just last night, they lost 62-7. Sixty two to seven!!! That's not an NFL score, that's a "D-I powerhouse playing Cupcake State in non-conference play" score.
Look, I know the popular joke to make is "Peyton Manning should get a decade of post-dated MVP awards the way they're playing without him!" But let's be real: Peyton Manning would have done absolutely nothing to stop the Saints from carving up the defense for 62 points. I'd argue that Manning's shoulder falling off was the best thing that could've happened for his legacy. He avoids this season's train wreck, goes out as an elite quarterback, avoids the brutal late-career slowdown that tainted so many careers (for recent examples see McNabb, Donovan and Favre, Brett--every Vikings fan reading this just tried to flush their own head down the toilet), and on top of which he now gets an unduly large portion of the credit for the past decade-plus of success. Sure, Manning was great, and the major reason those teams were so good. But it will now be remembered that he was the only reason they were that good--which is unfair to the likes of Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, Marvin Harrison, Marcus Pollard, Bob Sanders, and every other talented piece of those teams.
31. Miami
Look, I would not argue if you placed these guys at 32. Blowing a 15-point lead in three minutes against a gimmicky quarterback making his first pro start? Reggie Bush showing that he really did suck all this time? A season of Brandon Marshall running forty-yard sprints as the likes of Matt Moore underthrows him time and again? A season of Marshall returning to the huddle after, staring down Moore and melting whatever confidence he had left? Ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Miami Dolphins! Good thing their fan base has looming Medicare insolvency to keep their minds off the season.
(One last note on the 'Fins: if signing JP Losman is ever the answer, the question shouldn't even be asked.)
Quite Possibly the Shittiest Division in Football History
30. St. Louis
Technically, St. Louis is kind of a crossover between these two divisions. The most disappointing team in football thus far. Remember when "hey, maybe St. Louis will go 8-8 and win the NFC West" was a smart pick? Injuries to Sam Bradford and Steven Jackson are largely responsible for St. Louis failing to post a multiple-touchdown game this season. If they stay healthy (iffy), Brandon Lloyd represents an upgrade over the Brandon Gibson-Darnario Alexander-Greg Salas pu-pu platter (a certainty), and San Francisco falls apart (don't count it out), they're not out of it yet. Making them the first 0-6 team ever to be "not out of it yet."
29. Arizona
Kevin Kolb is on pace to set NFL records for intentional grounding and passes thrown off his back foot. So, to recap, the Cards traded an All-Pro cornerback and a second-round pick for a quarterback who is afraid of contact. Something they probably would have liked to know before making him the center of the offense. In their only win this season, they gave up 422 passing yards to a rookie quarterback in his first NFL game. Not exactly a ringing endorsement.
28. Seattle
Your current second place holders in the NFC West... led by the immortal Marshawn Lynch (who is a year removed from being the fourth-string back on a losing team) and Tarvaris Jackson (who is Tarvaris Jackson). And are coached by Pete Carroll, who is a fantastic coach as long as he can pay his players and his opponents can't. Which pretty much rules them out, unless the NFL can somehow sub the Los Angeles Dodgers onto their schedule.
(Yes, these three teams will all each play each other twice. Which means two Jackson-Kolb matchups that have Vegas already trembling with fear. Who will prevail, the resistable force or the movable object? Jackson's erratic passing, or Kolb's erratic pocket behavior? All I know is I'm not touching either of those matchups.)
The "Our Rookie Quarterback Gives Us Hope For The Future" Division
27. Jacksonville
They've reached 20 points only once this season. Their allegedly elite running back has reached 100 yards only twice this season, despite being the
Poor Blaine Gabbert. By any measure, he's performed as well as can be expected for a rookie quarterback with no talent around him--he's avoided self-destruction, and posted numbers far superior to Generic McCown Brother when pressed into duty. Give it a few years, and he'll be Los Angeles's most popular quarterback since Matt Leinart was shredding coed vagina at USC.
26. Minnesota
The Bernard Berrian era is over. Luckily, the Vikings are off this coming week--the extra week should be just what Les Frazier needs to pull out the giant fork sticking out of Donovan McNabb. Time to hang 'em up.
Thing is, this is a .500 team with Christian Ponder at the helm. They played the Packers well. Ponder looked generally passable against everybody but Charles Woodson, who coincidentally has made a hobby out of feasting on rookie quarterbacks. A week of Tebowmania overshadowing his first start, along with a bye week to quell whatever hype remains, and he's going to be a gambler's best friend until everyone realizes how good he is.
25. Carolina
Here's the difference: Ponder and Gabbert both have futures as NFL starters. With Cam Newton, the sky is the limit. Not since Michael Vick has a quarterback made this big of an impact on his offense; and Newton didn't back up for a year first. Steve Smith looks like a hostage victim reunited with his family--just ecstatic to put the whole ordeal behind him, and happy to have a decent support system around him again. If DeAngelo Williams ever figures out how to be explosive again, this team has some bite.
Quite Possibly the Second Shittiest Division in the History of Football
24. Oakland
How bad was the Carson Palmer trade? The Raiders gave up a first and second-round pick for a 31-year-old quarterback who made the Pro Bowl five years ago, and has since battled through two major injuries (Von Oelhoffen snapping his leg in the '06 playoffs, and the nagging shoulder injury which has plagued him and rendered him largely ineffective since '08). The Redskins traded a second and fourth round pick for a quarterback who was two years older than Palmer at the time of the trade, and six times more Pro Bowled over his career. A year later, the Vikings got him for a sixth round pick. The Texans got Matt Schaub for two second-rounders and a swap of first-round picks. The only team to pay for their starter, and pay a comparable price, was the Bears, who sent Kyle Orton, two first-rounders and a third rounder to the Broncos for Jay Cutler and a fifth-round pick. Cutler was 26 at the time, and coming off of a Pro Bowl season. In short: Al Davis may be dead, but his tendency to overpay for crappy quarterbacks must have rubbed off on the rest of the organization.
(Yes, Oakland is 4-3. Three of those wins came with the surprisingly competent Jason Campbell at the helm for the whole game, and the fourth came in the game that saw Campbell knocked out and the Raiders pull it out on a fake punt--against the Browns. After this past weekend, it's hard to believe that they'll win another 4 the rest of the way.)
23. Denver
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, please save us from the Tebowmania that is sure to come.
Look, as someone who plug-and-played Godboy during Tom Brady's bye week, I couldn't be happier with his late-game resurgence. But let's be objective here. He led a frantic late-game comeback in his backyard against one of the worst teams in recent memory. Just a week ago, Mark Sanchez handled Miami with no late-game heroics necessary, and the media folks love to talk about how bad Sanchez sucks. In the immortal words of Winston Wolf, let's not start sucking each other's dicks yet.
22. Kansas City
Sigh. The AFC West wasn't all that terrible when Jason Campbell was in the picture. But now? Denver sucks, Oakland sucks harder, and the Chiefs somehow find themselves in striking distance, despite no running game to speak of and Matt Cassel trying to do it all singlehandedly. That will happen when half of your games have been against the likes of Donovan McNabb, Curtis Painter, and the Kyle Boller/Carson Palmer combination (or, as they are collectively known, The Shit Sandwich). Miami and Denver (twice) are the only remaining games along those same cupcake lines. If you picked up a "KC to win the West from 0-3" ticket, now would be the time to get max value for that thing.
The Star-Studded Trainwreck Division
21. Philadelphia
Not only are their big-name acquisitions failing to produce, they couldn't even give away Ronnie Brown successfully. While stockpiling hype-happy assets this off-season, the Iggles appparently forgot that LeSean McCoy and Ronnie Brown are both best suited to being the second guy on the depth chart. Meanwhile, Michael Vick has un-learned how to hold on to the football. Not a happy combination. The good news? Other than New England in Week 12, their schedule looks pretty manageable the rest of the way. If they can put the hype behind them, gel as a team, and make the playoffs, I would not want to match up against them at any point.
The Shakier than the San Andreas Fault Division
20. Tennessee
The Good: Chris Johnson; always a force that must be accounted for. A huge win over Baltimore.
The Bad: Matt Hasselbeck; never much of a "force" and now well past his prime. A defense that has given up 38 and 41 points in its last two contests. A loss to Jacksonville, who also beat Baltimore.
The Ugly: All of the "Bad" things listed directly hamper the "Good"s. A mediocre QB and a porous defense are not a running game's best friends.
19. Cleveland
The Good: Peyton Hillis. Can we please just start calling him "White Christian Okoye?" He's the most dominant bruiser back since the Nigerian Nightmare himself. They both were irrationally popular. And they both plied their trades mostly on crappy teams. Also, the rest of the way they get St. Louis, Jacksonviille, and Arizona.
The Bad: Colt McCoy--he came into this season straddling the line between "game manager" and "sucks." Now we know which side he falls on. The defense--notwithstanding this past weekend's 6-3 snoozefest, they've gotten torched by some less-than-powerhouse teams.
The Ugly: Those three wins came against Miami, Indianapolis, and Seattle. Yikes.
18. Washington
The Good: Fred Davis and Jabar Gaffney have emerged as capable threats next to Santana Moss. The defense is a lot better than you think. And is anyone in the NFC East really all that much more dominant?
The Bad: Rex Grossman/John Beck (another Shit Sandwich). You can get by with them and the aforementioned wideouts as long as you've got a threatening running game. Tim Hightower is not a threatening running game.
The Ugly: Buffalo, San Fran, NY Jets, New England, and a possibly-rejuvenated-by-Week-17 Philly team all remain on the schedule. It's not getting any easier.
17. Dallas
The Good: They've got the best point differential in the East, not a bad loss to their name (NY Jets, New England, Detroit pre-collapse), and a pretty smooth remainder of the schedule. DeMarco Murray might be this year's Arion Foster.
The Bad: Their defense is DeMarcus Ware, Sean Lee, and a collection of has-beens and never-weres. Should this team reach the playoffs, are they really holding their own against Green Bay or New Orleans?
The Ugly: We knew Tony Romo had to go here. As usual, his numbers are good--but they don't tell the whole soul-crushing late-game-choking story.
The Good Bad Team
16. Cincinatti
Every year there's one of these. They beat the teams they are supposed to beat, and lose the games they should lose. Meaning they should get to 6-2 before Pittsburgh and Baltimore bring them back down to earth. But look at it this way, Cincy fans: you're ranked a full nine spots higher than the next best team starting a rookie quarterback!
Tomorrow: The Top 15
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