Two years ago, I designed a detailed, exquisite, totally workable 32-team playoff system to replace the current abortion of a system employed by the NCAA. Back then, it seemed like a legitimate proposition. Today, with the muddled mess of the BCS standings, it seems like an even more legitimate proposition. For those who are a bit rusty, here are the parameters:
-It's a five-round, 32-team tournament. Teams are put in one of four regionals, and seeded 1 through 8. If this sounds eerily similar to the NCAA basketball tournament's format, it's pretty much based off of that. The formula works--why fuck with it? Also borrowed from the hoops world will be the selection/seeding process--only with BCS replacing RPI, and the 33-35th teams bitching instead of the 66-68th. Like March Madness, every conference champion is given an automatic bid--meaning that Northern Illinois and Arkansas State get theirs. Granted, they are not seeded highly, but they've got theirs.
-It's designed to easily replace the bowl system in schedule, and still be a manageable season. The NFL plays 16 games. The most games a team could play in this system is 18. The scheduling might need some tweaking to compensate for the conferences with a championship game. But that's a whole other discussion for another day.
-The opening round would be played during the second weekend of December, when bowl season usually kicks off. The high seed would host the opening-round game. The second round would be played the following weekend, at a neutral site for the region. The third round would be at the same regional site, a week laster. The national semifinals would be played on New Year's Day, and the National Championship would be a week later. As with March Madness, the Final Four will be held at a rotating location--though I'd like to see the Rose, Fiesta, Sugar, and Orange Bowls survive as the permanent regional hosts. In fact, let's change that for this year's version: instead of the Midwest, West, South, and East regions; we will have the Rose, Fiesta, Sugar, and Orange regions respectively. Done. Love it.
Before we start, a few quick notes on the matchups: like the NCAA Tournament selection committee, I tried my damn hardest to avoid inter-conference matchups, which led to wacky things like Georgia in the Rose/Midwest and Cincinatti in the Fiesta/West. I'm sure there are still a few potential ones. So be it. The number one seeds, in order of their seeding: LSU, Alabama/Oklahoma State, Oregon. The beauty of this system this year is that LSU gets the easiest path to the national title game, while Bama and OK State get to settle it on New Years for the right to play them--if neither gets tripped up along the way.
Sugar Region
1 LSU
2 Kansas State
3 South Carolina
4 Oklahoma
5 Houston
6 Southern Mississippi
7 Auburn
8 Arkansas State
Analysis: Poor Arkansas State. Or are they the big winners in this system? The small school who gets to tell their respective grandkids about the time they played postseason football against the Honey Badger. Other than that, this region mostly exists as a rubber stamp for the Bayou Bengals. K-State-Auburn could be a huge point of contention in the SEC/Big 12 rivalry. Oklahoma/Houston is a great "little conference gets a shot at the big dog" matchup, before the winner is unceremoniously shredded by LSU. And the Tigers may get a Regional Final shot at the best SEC team they never got to play.
Projections: LSU, K-State, SoCar, and Houston advance. LSU over South Carolina in the final.
Fiesta Region
1 Oregon
2 Stanford
3 Baylor
4 Michigan
5 TCU
6 West Virginia
7 Cincinatti
8 Missouri
Analysis: This region looks to have the most even middle of the field. 3-6 and 4-5 both look like great matchups, and you know Stanford is itching for a revenge shot at Oregon. We've got a potential second-round showdown between Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin. I see Griffin leading Baylor over Stanford in that matchup, then stunning Oregon to head to the Final Four.
Projections: Oregon, Stanford, Baylor, TCU advance. Baylor over Oregon in the final.
Orange Region
1 Alabama
2 Arkansas
3 Virginia Tech
4 Clemson
5 Nebraska
6 Penn State
7 Florida State
8 Georgia Tech
Analysis: We come to the first upset trap region! Nebraska has shown flashes of brilliance in their first Big Ten season, Penn State was favored to win the division until the Sandusky scandal and Paterno firing submarined their season, Arkansas hasn't beaten anyone this year, and Georgia Tech's quirky, anachronistic triple option attack has been known to work miracles against world-beater defense (like Bama's). I think Alabama is the only home team to survive the opening weekend, and they roll through the region.
Projections: Alabama, Florida State, Penn State, Nebraska advance. Alabama over Penn State in the final.
Rose Region
1 Oklahoma State
2 Boise State
3 Wisconsin
4 Georgia
5 Michigan State
6 Texas
7 Northern Illinois
8 Notre Dame
Analysis: Oklahoma State will be favored by at least ten points too few thanks to Notre Dame's name recognition, then proceed to run roughshod as Touchdown Jesus is unable to cover Justin Blackmon. Wisconsin came two Hail Marys away from an unbeaten season, and I really don't see how they wouldn't be favored over Boise--luckily, Texas is not their normal self this season. Every other region seemed cut and dry--this one could have any of five teams go all the way, and would undoubtedly see the most ESPN Classic matchups, with Oklahoma State-Wisconsin probably the best of all. Bet the over and enjoy the show.
Projections: OK State, Boise, Wisconsin, Michigan State advance. Oklahoma State over Wisconsin in the final.
Final Four Analysis: So by my count, we've got LSU vs. Baylor and Alabama vs. Oklahoma State on New Years, with the winners meeting a week later. For the record, I wanted to pick Wisconsin over Oklahoma State so bad, but figured that the team's M.O. was to lose in heartbreaking fashion with less than a minute left. It's still likely that we're crowning LSU the national champion--but now, either Bama or Oklahoma State can say that they earned the right to lose to them. Or maybe, like happens every year in college basketball, we will find out that we have absolutely no idea once we step outside the world of hypotheticals and on the field.
I'll take that over a national championship rematch any day.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Power Poll: Week 12 Edition
Four weeks later, and the Power Poll is back!
Some thoughts before we begin...
-The bottom half of the league is in bad shape. Injuries have not helped this. But the gap between the haves and the have-nots in the NFL is bigger than I can ever remember.
-I've advocated trading Matt Flynn in the past. At this point, if he wants to stay I'd say keep him. There are a number of teams who are ranked 5-6 spots lower than they otherwise would, because their backup quarterback is trash. I like Flynn. I think he rates in at "competent NFL starter," which would make a dozen teams salivate at this point. But I also see Houston fans talking themselves into Matt Cassel, and a Caleb Hanie/Nathan Enderle controversy on the horizon in Chicago, and Kansas City in a division that's ripe for the picking but stuck with Tyler Fucking Palko calling the shots... it's terrifying.
(By the way, that Chicago thing? It's coming. Mike Martz HATES Hanie. Hates him with a passion. Remember the NFC Championship? I know I do. But do you remember Todd Collins? How completely fucking incompetent he looked when he was put into the game? He was AHEAD of Hanie on the depth chart--that's how much faith Martz has in him. Enderle is Martz's handpicked draft pick. Enderle split snaps with Hanie running the No. 2 offense for the Bears in training camp. If Hanie struggles, he could be on a short leash.)
The "Cleveland Without LeBron" Division
32. Indianapolis
It's eerie how Peyton Manning is turning into Brett Favre #2... the durability, the perplexingly lonely ring after extended dominance, the place in the Greatest of All Time debate... now the fan base subtly turning on them in favor of the younger quarterback, the hints at coming back... are we two years away from Andrew Luck getting fried by Manning's Tennessee Titans, then coming back and curbstomping them the next year as Manning falls apart and retires in shame, revealing he "accidentally" texted pictures of his cock to Kenny Chesney?
The Turd Sandwich (aka NFC West) Division
31. Arizona
Well, it turned out that San Fran was the lone competent one in this division. Meanwhile, the Cards paid roughly $6.50 on the dollar for a quarterback who can't even show that he's convincingly better than JohnNavarre Skelton. Fuck it, at this point they're best off with Kurt Warner coming out of retirement.
30. St. Louis
A game worse than 'Zona, but I think they're a better play the rest of the way. So there. I'm still humiliated by my "StL to win NFC West" preseason bet. I'd have been better off lighting that money on fire. If gambling were legal, of course.
29. Seattle
In the translated words of the groundskeepers from Major League? They're still shitty. Not much more needs to be said. Seems Pete Carroll isn't that great of a coach when everyone else gets to pay the players too.
The Gallons of Suck Division
28. Kansas City
Every time Tyler Palko underthrows his target right into the waiting arms of a defender, an angel gets his wings. The Chiefs might be a team to watch next year--Cassel and Charles injuries derailed this season, and they'll get a Top 5 pick. Keep an eye on them--you know, if you live somewhere that gambling is legal.
27. Carolina
Cam Newton looks like either the Evolutionary Michael Vick or the Evolutionary Akili Smith. There's no in between. But Carolina fans just urped in their mouth a little bit.
26. Minnesota
These guys are 2-8. Doesn't feel like it, does it? I mean they're bad, but you have to feel like they should have a win or two more. Anyway, I'm ranking them high because I feel like they can compete with most teams, even if they can't win.
25. Miami
They're showing signs of life. On the downside, they don't get Andrew Luck anymore. On the bright side, they might finish ahead of Buffalo at this rate.
24. Washington
Had them ranked three spots lower, then remembered that Rex Grossman is back. By the way, whenever Rex Grossman is enough to vault your team three spots up, um, that's a really bad thing. Enjoy the Arena League, John Beck.
The Large 32oz Combo Meal of Suck Division
23. Cleveland
These guys don't suck by the gallon, but they're still a great collection of suckitude. If the Packers are unable to convince Matt Flynn to stay, Cleveland makes a hell of a lot of sense as a destination for him. On the other hand, they're from Cleveland--by signing there, he's pretty much saying "fuck you" to his ACL or something.
22. Jacksonville
Taking the approach of "We're going to keep the offense in second gear so Gabbert doesn't freak out, let him be confident, and accept that this is going to be a 4-5 win season. Meanwhile, start up talks with LA about a stadium deal." Okay, I'm assuming the last part. But still.
21. San Diego
Phillip Rivers seems hell-bent on breaking the one Brett Favre record that Aaron Rodgers isn't aiming for--the interception one. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. And is there a more toothless backfield pairing than Ryan Mathews and Mike Tolbert? They don't even get "poor man's" status--they're the homeless man's Willie Parker and Jerome Bettis. I regard coming back for seconds with Mathews this season in fantasy football to be a mistake on par with going back for seconds with any piece of questionable pussy I've had. Once can be a fluke, but once you've blown that second chance you're done. Never again.
The Mediocrity Division
20. Tampa
Just a season ago, they were a 10-win team. Today, they need to win out to match that. They've got the fourth worst point differential in the league. And, uh, I don't think Albert Haynesworth is going to be much help. After four losses in a row, it's gut check time in Tampa.
19. Tennessee
The Tennessee Titans of the National Football League would like to take this opportunity to ask for your help. It appears that our running back has gone missing. He answers to the name Chris Johnson and he is usually very hard to tackle, though recently folks haven't been having much trouble. $50 reward.
18. Buffalo
It's lucky that the Bills and Buccaneers avoid each other--the way they've both played this past month, I don't think you can pick a winner out of that matchup. Remember our last Power Poll, when this team's number was a third of what it is now? Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like such a spectacular waste of $50 million that the United States federal government is toying with the idea of purchasing his contract.
The Dead Hype Division
17. Philadelphia
Worth noting: after this weekend, Philly closes their schedule with SEA-MIA-NYJ-DAL-WAS. That looks like a possible 5-0 run, even with Vince Young. Meanwhile, they're chasing Tom Coughlin and Tony Romo, two of the most notable choke artists of our time. We're about three weeks away from the torch being passed to the Eagles as the potential snuck-in-the-playoffs team that nobody wants to play. "Eagles to win NFC East" is actually a pretty good value bet--don't count on it as a sure thing, but it could pay off huge.
Some thoughts before we begin...
-The bottom half of the league is in bad shape. Injuries have not helped this. But the gap between the haves and the have-nots in the NFL is bigger than I can ever remember.
-I've advocated trading Matt Flynn in the past. At this point, if he wants to stay I'd say keep him. There are a number of teams who are ranked 5-6 spots lower than they otherwise would, because their backup quarterback is trash. I like Flynn. I think he rates in at "competent NFL starter," which would make a dozen teams salivate at this point. But I also see Houston fans talking themselves into Matt Cassel, and a Caleb Hanie/Nathan Enderle controversy on the horizon in Chicago, and Kansas City in a division that's ripe for the picking but stuck with Tyler Fucking Palko calling the shots... it's terrifying.
(By the way, that Chicago thing? It's coming. Mike Martz HATES Hanie. Hates him with a passion. Remember the NFC Championship? I know I do. But do you remember Todd Collins? How completely fucking incompetent he looked when he was put into the game? He was AHEAD of Hanie on the depth chart--that's how much faith Martz has in him. Enderle is Martz's handpicked draft pick. Enderle split snaps with Hanie running the No. 2 offense for the Bears in training camp. If Hanie struggles, he could be on a short leash.)
The "Cleveland Without LeBron" Division
32. Indianapolis
It's eerie how Peyton Manning is turning into Brett Favre #2... the durability, the perplexingly lonely ring after extended dominance, the place in the Greatest of All Time debate... now the fan base subtly turning on them in favor of the younger quarterback, the hints at coming back... are we two years away from Andrew Luck getting fried by Manning's Tennessee Titans, then coming back and curbstomping them the next year as Manning falls apart and retires in shame, revealing he "accidentally" texted pictures of his cock to Kenny Chesney?
The Turd Sandwich (aka NFC West) Division
31. Arizona
Well, it turned out that San Fran was the lone competent one in this division. Meanwhile, the Cards paid roughly $6.50 on the dollar for a quarterback who can't even show that he's convincingly better than John
30. St. Louis
A game worse than 'Zona, but I think they're a better play the rest of the way. So there. I'm still humiliated by my "StL to win NFC West" preseason bet. I'd have been better off lighting that money on fire. If gambling were legal, of course.
29. Seattle
In the translated words of the groundskeepers from Major League? They're still shitty. Not much more needs to be said. Seems Pete Carroll isn't that great of a coach when everyone else gets to pay the players too.
The Gallons of Suck Division
28. Kansas City
Every time Tyler Palko underthrows his target right into the waiting arms of a defender, an angel gets his wings. The Chiefs might be a team to watch next year--Cassel and Charles injuries derailed this season, and they'll get a Top 5 pick. Keep an eye on them--you know, if you live somewhere that gambling is legal.
27. Carolina
Cam Newton looks like either the Evolutionary Michael Vick or the Evolutionary Akili Smith. There's no in between. But Carolina fans just urped in their mouth a little bit.
26. Minnesota
These guys are 2-8. Doesn't feel like it, does it? I mean they're bad, but you have to feel like they should have a win or two more. Anyway, I'm ranking them high because I feel like they can compete with most teams, even if they can't win.
25. Miami
They're showing signs of life. On the downside, they don't get Andrew Luck anymore. On the bright side, they might finish ahead of Buffalo at this rate.
24. Washington
Had them ranked three spots lower, then remembered that Rex Grossman is back. By the way, whenever Rex Grossman is enough to vault your team three spots up, um, that's a really bad thing. Enjoy the Arena League, John Beck.
The Large 32oz Combo Meal of Suck Division
23. Cleveland
These guys don't suck by the gallon, but they're still a great collection of suckitude. If the Packers are unable to convince Matt Flynn to stay, Cleveland makes a hell of a lot of sense as a destination for him. On the other hand, they're from Cleveland--by signing there, he's pretty much saying "fuck you" to his ACL or something.
22. Jacksonville
Taking the approach of "We're going to keep the offense in second gear so Gabbert doesn't freak out, let him be confident, and accept that this is going to be a 4-5 win season. Meanwhile, start up talks with LA about a stadium deal." Okay, I'm assuming the last part. But still.
21. San Diego
Phillip Rivers seems hell-bent on breaking the one Brett Favre record that Aaron Rodgers isn't aiming for--the interception one. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. And is there a more toothless backfield pairing than Ryan Mathews and Mike Tolbert? They don't even get "poor man's" status--they're the homeless man's Willie Parker and Jerome Bettis. I regard coming back for seconds with Mathews this season in fantasy football to be a mistake on par with going back for seconds with any piece of questionable pussy I've had. Once can be a fluke, but once you've blown that second chance you're done. Never again.
The Mediocrity Division
20. Tampa
Just a season ago, they were a 10-win team. Today, they need to win out to match that. They've got the fourth worst point differential in the league. And, uh, I don't think Albert Haynesworth is going to be much help. After four losses in a row, it's gut check time in Tampa.
19. Tennessee
The Tennessee Titans of the National Football League would like to take this opportunity to ask for your help. It appears that our running back has gone missing. He answers to the name Chris Johnson and he is usually very hard to tackle, though recently folks haven't been having much trouble. $50 reward.
18. Buffalo
It's lucky that the Bills and Buccaneers avoid each other--the way they've both played this past month, I don't think you can pick a winner out of that matchup. Remember our last Power Poll, when this team's number was a third of what it is now? Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like such a spectacular waste of $50 million that the United States federal government is toying with the idea of purchasing his contract.
The Dead Hype Division
17. Philadelphia
Worth noting: after this weekend, Philly closes their schedule with SEA-MIA-NYJ-DAL-WAS. That looks like a possible 5-0 run, even with Vince Young. Meanwhile, they're chasing Tom Coughlin and Tony Romo, two of the most notable choke artists of our time. We're about three weeks away from the torch being passed to the Eagles as the potential snuck-in-the-playoffs team that nobody wants to play. "Eagles to win NFC East" is actually a pretty good value bet--don't count on it as a sure thing, but it could pay off huge.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The Single Worst Scandal In Sports History
Before we get started, I'm going to let your mind wander and think of the worst sports scandal you've ever heard of. The White Sox throwing the '19 World Series? Pete Rose betting on baseball? Boosters buying a house and a Hummer for Reggie Bush's mom? All bad, and all basically irrelevant as of today.
This morning, a report broke that former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky raped eight boys over his 15 years at PSU on school facilities. Boys that he met through The Second Mile, his not-for-profit dedicated to helping at-risk kids.
And this isn't just shit being made up. Victims are coming forward; eight of them so far. One claimed that Sandusky initiated advances with a "soap fight" in the shower. The boy in question once appeared in a Sports Illustrated photo with Sandusky. In the fall of 2000, a PSU janitor witnessed a young boy, aged 11 to 13, pinned up against a wall while Sandusky blew him. Two years later, a graduate assistant witnessed Sandusky rape a 10 year old boy in the shower. The graduate assistant reported it to AD Tim Curley, who promptly covered it up. Sandusky, once considered Joe Paterno's heir apparent, resigned in 1999,* but allowed to continue to use PSU facilities for his work with The Second Mile.
Suddenly, gambling and false amateurism seem like small potatoes.
The unfortunate thing is this will almost certainly fail to get the attention it deserves. It will be a story for a few weeks, then disappear. And that should not happen.
Paterno, Curley, and vice president Gary Schultz (who is being charged along with Curley) are all unforgivable in this. Paterno, rather than alerting the authorities, simply reported the incident to Curley. I know eyewitness accounts are hardly airtight, especially when the 10 year old boy being sodomized against his will is black, but at the same time Sandusky was banned from again bringing children onto PSU's campus.** And Curley enabled the living fuck out of Sandusky. Letting him continue to use the facilities? Not telling the police? Worse yet, attempting to justify the grad assistant's report by claiming that a 55 year old man and a 10 year old boy in the shower was "little more than horseplay?"
Something smells like shit, and it's not Jerry Sandusky's dick for once. Curley literally did everything he could to help Sandusky short of buying him orphans or making him the new host of "Are You Harder Than A Fifth Grader?" Little more than horseplay? I'll believe the ER patient who "doesn't know" how the remote control got stuck up his ass before I buy that.
Look, I'm not a big time moral crusader--in fact, I'm quite fond of the "live and let live" approach to forcing your beliefs down others' throats. But when the "other" in question is forcing his cock down the throat of a child, well that's wrong no matter how you spin it. This is, as the title indicates, The Single Worst Scandal in Sports History. Miami may have provided their players with hookers and blow, but you can defend hookers (the players were 18) and blow (it was the '80s). USC and Ohio State may have paid their players, but you could argue that they ought to have been paid in the first place. Pete Rose may have bet on baseball, but he didn't bet on his team. Mark Sanchez may have fucked a 17-year-old, but it was consensual. The Roethlisberger accusations are flimsy hearsay, at best.
There is no spin to this. Rarely in life are things so black and white; so cut and dry. Jerry Sandusky used his position of power in Happy Valley to sodomize children. Joe Paterno knew about this sodomy, and did nothing. Actually, I take that back--he didn't do nothing. He informed his higher ups, covering his own ass. Paterno KNEW this was going on in his facilities in 2002; when Curley chose to cover it up Paterno was complicit. At no point in the past 9 years did Paterno go to the police, even as this was still happening. It took a high school, investigating a 2009 abuse of one of their students by Sandusky, to bring this to the authorities. In a legal sense, Paterno is clean--by telling Curley, he effectively passes the buck on liability. In a moral sense, Paterno could not possibly be more wrong--he knew of abuse, was easily in a position to stop it, yet he did not. What, exactly, was his logic here? "I told my boss, it's in his hands now." HOW IS THAT DEFENSIBLE?! The cocksucker was more concerned with safeguarding his legacy than protecting future victims. If there were such a thing as justice, every last person involved in the coverup would be fired, put in stocks, and marched off the PSU campus to a public stoning.
By the way, this gives the 1988 Orange Bowl a whole new spin, doesn't it? At the time, it was the wholesome squeaky-clean Penn State team against Miami's band of criminals. Now? Miami's party boys against PSU's child-rape-enablers. Congratulations, Miami--for once, you're the good guys. Don't get used to the feeling.
Another quick aside, as well--Penn State Creamery has a sundae named the "Sandusky Blitz." The ingredients? Banana, chocolate-covered peanuts, and gooey ropes of caramel. I'm trying really, really hard to avoid joking about child rape, but the only way that could be any funnier is if they added marshmallows made of jizz.
I know the sports media is generally useless, but it's up to our reporters to keep this from going away. Paterno press conferences should be full of questions like "Coach, when scheming to stop Russell Wilson, did you ever consider alerting the authorities to the child rapist on your staff?" "Historically, Penn State's defense has been good at backside pursuit and pressure--did Coach Sandusky teach that in the shower?" "Coach Paterno, whats more rewarding to you: Being the winninest coach in history, or helping Coach Sandusky rape children?" "Coach, if you were going for a rape theme, why did you not offer a scholarship to Ben Roethlisberger back in the day?" You get the point.
And it's on the rest of the NCAA coaches, too. I know your lot. When it comes to recruiting, you will use every advantage you have--and if you don't have any, you'll make one up and lie about it. Well you don't have to lie here. Thanks to NCAA's recruiting rules and regulations, plus the power of technology, we now know who, specifically, every coach/school is targeting. If you're competing for a recruit with PSU, beat the kiddy-rape angle into the ground. "You're a good looking guy, I'm guessing you'd like to have a family some day? Bring the kids back for Homecoming, show them where Daddy used to play? Well, would you like them to also get raped? Didn't think so. I'd shy away from PSU if it were me, then. Just sayin'." Make it so these scumbags are picking from the dregs of the borderline talent that nobody else is willing to deal with.
On the bright side, if you're a fan of Miami, Notre Dame, USC, Ohio State, Florida State, or someone along those lines, today is the greatest day in the history of fandom. Now, whenever your rivals skewer you for violations, all you have to say is "Hey, at least no children are being raped on our campus!" And if you're a Florida State fan, you now have in your history the winningest head coach who never helped cover up child rape among his staff.
Penn State is one of only four BCS schools who do not have a major NCAA violation in their history. Since there are technically no NCAA rules against this kind of thing, that will still stand. But at least they are now the only school with a child-rape violation in their history--and personally, I think that's just a little bit worse than boosters paying off players.
*By the way, Sandusky's resignation smells fishier than Paris Hilton's underwear drawer. He was first investigated for child rape in 1998, and the investigation ultimately did not lead to charges. A year later, Sandusky resigns but is allowed to continue using PSU facilities. If you believe that the two events are unrelated, I have a bridge to sell you.
**Because that's a solution--don't stop him from doing it, just make sure it doesn't happen on our watch!
This morning, a report broke that former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky raped eight boys over his 15 years at PSU on school facilities. Boys that he met through The Second Mile, his not-for-profit dedicated to helping at-risk kids.
And this isn't just shit being made up. Victims are coming forward; eight of them so far. One claimed that Sandusky initiated advances with a "soap fight" in the shower. The boy in question once appeared in a Sports Illustrated photo with Sandusky. In the fall of 2000, a PSU janitor witnessed a young boy, aged 11 to 13, pinned up against a wall while Sandusky blew him. Two years later, a graduate assistant witnessed Sandusky rape a 10 year old boy in the shower. The graduate assistant reported it to AD Tim Curley, who promptly covered it up. Sandusky, once considered Joe Paterno's heir apparent, resigned in 1999,* but allowed to continue to use PSU facilities for his work with The Second Mile.
Suddenly, gambling and false amateurism seem like small potatoes.
The unfortunate thing is this will almost certainly fail to get the attention it deserves. It will be a story for a few weeks, then disappear. And that should not happen.
Paterno, Curley, and vice president Gary Schultz (who is being charged along with Curley) are all unforgivable in this. Paterno, rather than alerting the authorities, simply reported the incident to Curley. I know eyewitness accounts are hardly airtight, especially when the 10 year old boy being sodomized against his will is black, but at the same time Sandusky was banned from again bringing children onto PSU's campus.** And Curley enabled the living fuck out of Sandusky. Letting him continue to use the facilities? Not telling the police? Worse yet, attempting to justify the grad assistant's report by claiming that a 55 year old man and a 10 year old boy in the shower was "little more than horseplay?"
Something smells like shit, and it's not Jerry Sandusky's dick for once. Curley literally did everything he could to help Sandusky short of buying him orphans or making him the new host of "Are You Harder Than A Fifth Grader?" Little more than horseplay? I'll believe the ER patient who "doesn't know" how the remote control got stuck up his ass before I buy that.
Look, I'm not a big time moral crusader--in fact, I'm quite fond of the "live and let live" approach to forcing your beliefs down others' throats. But when the "other" in question is forcing his cock down the throat of a child, well that's wrong no matter how you spin it. This is, as the title indicates, The Single Worst Scandal in Sports History. Miami may have provided their players with hookers and blow, but you can defend hookers (the players were 18) and blow (it was the '80s). USC and Ohio State may have paid their players, but you could argue that they ought to have been paid in the first place. Pete Rose may have bet on baseball, but he didn't bet on his team. Mark Sanchez may have fucked a 17-year-old, but it was consensual. The Roethlisberger accusations are flimsy hearsay, at best.
There is no spin to this. Rarely in life are things so black and white; so cut and dry. Jerry Sandusky used his position of power in Happy Valley to sodomize children. Joe Paterno knew about this sodomy, and did nothing. Actually, I take that back--he didn't do nothing. He informed his higher ups, covering his own ass. Paterno KNEW this was going on in his facilities in 2002; when Curley chose to cover it up Paterno was complicit. At no point in the past 9 years did Paterno go to the police, even as this was still happening. It took a high school, investigating a 2009 abuse of one of their students by Sandusky, to bring this to the authorities. In a legal sense, Paterno is clean--by telling Curley, he effectively passes the buck on liability. In a moral sense, Paterno could not possibly be more wrong--he knew of abuse, was easily in a position to stop it, yet he did not. What, exactly, was his logic here? "I told my boss, it's in his hands now." HOW IS THAT DEFENSIBLE?! The cocksucker was more concerned with safeguarding his legacy than protecting future victims. If there were such a thing as justice, every last person involved in the coverup would be fired, put in stocks, and marched off the PSU campus to a public stoning.
By the way, this gives the 1988 Orange Bowl a whole new spin, doesn't it? At the time, it was the wholesome squeaky-clean Penn State team against Miami's band of criminals. Now? Miami's party boys against PSU's child-rape-enablers. Congratulations, Miami--for once, you're the good guys. Don't get used to the feeling.
Another quick aside, as well--Penn State Creamery has a sundae named the "Sandusky Blitz." The ingredients? Banana, chocolate-covered peanuts, and gooey ropes of caramel. I'm trying really, really hard to avoid joking about child rape, but the only way that could be any funnier is if they added marshmallows made of jizz.
I know the sports media is generally useless, but it's up to our reporters to keep this from going away. Paterno press conferences should be full of questions like "Coach, when scheming to stop Russell Wilson, did you ever consider alerting the authorities to the child rapist on your staff?" "Historically, Penn State's defense has been good at backside pursuit and pressure--did Coach Sandusky teach that in the shower?" "Coach Paterno, whats more rewarding to you: Being the winninest coach in history, or helping Coach Sandusky rape children?" "Coach, if you were going for a rape theme, why did you not offer a scholarship to Ben Roethlisberger back in the day?" You get the point.
And it's on the rest of the NCAA coaches, too. I know your lot. When it comes to recruiting, you will use every advantage you have--and if you don't have any, you'll make one up and lie about it. Well you don't have to lie here. Thanks to NCAA's recruiting rules and regulations, plus the power of technology, we now know who, specifically, every coach/school is targeting. If you're competing for a recruit with PSU, beat the kiddy-rape angle into the ground. "You're a good looking guy, I'm guessing you'd like to have a family some day? Bring the kids back for Homecoming, show them where Daddy used to play? Well, would you like them to also get raped? Didn't think so. I'd shy away from PSU if it were me, then. Just sayin'." Make it so these scumbags are picking from the dregs of the borderline talent that nobody else is willing to deal with.
On the bright side, if you're a fan of Miami, Notre Dame, USC, Ohio State, Florida State, or someone along those lines, today is the greatest day in the history of fandom. Now, whenever your rivals skewer you for violations, all you have to say is "Hey, at least no children are being raped on our campus!" And if you're a Florida State fan, you now have in your history the winningest head coach who never helped cover up child rape among his staff.
Penn State is one of only four BCS schools who do not have a major NCAA violation in their history. Since there are technically no NCAA rules against this kind of thing, that will still stand. But at least they are now the only school with a child-rape violation in their history--and personally, I think that's just a little bit worse than boosters paying off players.
*By the way, Sandusky's resignation smells fishier than Paris Hilton's underwear drawer. He was first investigated for child rape in 1998, and the investigation ultimately did not lead to charges. A year later, Sandusky resigns but is allowed to continue using PSU facilities. If you believe that the two events are unrelated, I have a bridge to sell you.
**Because that's a solution--don't stop him from doing it, just make sure it doesn't happen on our watch!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Presents: The Return of the Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Your Name Here Power Poll! (Part II)
If you weren't paying attention, yesterday's Part I can be found here. If you were, you know we've got 15 teams to go. And since we left off with the "Good Bad Team" that is better than all the bad teams but worse than all the good teams, well, today will revolve less around mocking the NFL's failures than it is figuring out who is going to take it all. More fun? Less fun? You decide.
Anywhoodlidoodle, here we go...
The Shitty Division Leaders Division
15. San Diego
Blatantly stolen from one of my Tweeps (and a hugely inspirational fellow young-curmudgeon-cum-blogger), Justin Rebello: "Whoever it was in the NY Times who called [the] Jets-Chargers game the 'No-Ring Circus" deserves a raise." The Chargers are the NFL's version of the old women's axiom: always a bridesmaid, never a bride. They're in the playoffs every year it seems, but always fall apart. Time was, this was because of Marty Schottenheimer. This year, it'll be because they're just not that great of a team, but they're stuck in a division with the Jamaal Charles-less Chiefs, the Jason Campbell-less Raiders, and the Mile High Train Wreck. I'd feel bad for Phil Rivers at this point if everything I've read about him didn't have me convinced that he was a colossal spoiled douche.
14. Houston
"An all-Texas Super Bowl... sweet Jethro Pugh"--Hank Hill
Yeah, that's not happening this year. The Texans are 2-3 against teams not trying to Suck for Luck. But they do have impressive wins over Pittsburgh and a shellacking of Tennessee. Translation? Like every year, the Texans are a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a mystery--not to mention a gambler's nightmare. Inconsistency is not a great quality come playoff time, though. They'll get in on account of their division sucks--what happens beyond that is anyone's guess.
(And yes, I'm aware that I just reverse-jinxed us up a guarantee of an all-Texas Super Bowl. The Cowboys are in a division without a clear favorite, and the Texans would really need to try hard to piss away their division. Then again... Romo in New Orleans or Green Bay. It's not happening. Houston, I could see getting hot come January and making a run. But Romo on the road against one of those teams--I couldn't bet enough against him.)
The Gary Johnson Memorial "Fringe Candidate" Division
13. NY Jets
Since Ron Paul is now polling in the double digits, Gary Johnson takes over as the 2012 version of "Presidential candidate who I like, but has a less than zero chance of winning." Similarly, I like the Jets. I like Rex Ryan, creepy foot fetish and all. I like Bart Scott, who I think is the next-gen version of Ray Lewis. I have had an affinity for LDT ever since he carried me to two straight Fantasy championship games, and I love how he's reinvented himself as a top-of-the-line scat back. But, I'm sorry--Mark Sanchez and Shonn Greene are not winning a title anytime soon. Just sayin'.
12. Tampa Bay
Sorry, Saints fans--but the coming decade of Josh Freeman-Matty Ice-Cam Newton divisional rivalry has me excited. Josh might be fighting through the sophomore jinx right now, but he'll bounce back. This year, the Bucs fall into the same category as the Texans--unpredictable enough that they might beat the Saints, or lay an egg against the Bears. The only problem? The Texans are in a shitty division, in which "inconsistently great" is far and away the favorite. The 'Bucs are in a division with the Falcons and Saints. "Inconsistent" just doesn't cut it.
11. Atlanta
They get the nod over Tampa for this spot largely thanks to strength of schedule--already 4-3, the Falcons are looking at 5 near-guaranteed wins (Indy, Tenn, Minn, Car, Jax) the rest of the way. And the Texans and Bucs are both winnable games. Ten wins is hardly a stretch for them. Tampa, on the other hand? They get Tennessee, Carolina twice, and Jacksonville--then toss-ups against the Falcons, Texans, and Cowboys. You're telling me the Dirty Birds aren't a game better?
10. NY Giants
Say what you will about Eli Manning (and, dear Lord, I have done just that in this space previously)--I'd much rather have the title of "Worst QB to ever win a Super Bowl" than "Best QB to never win a Super Bowl." Warrants mentioning.
The win over Buffalo was huge. But losing to Seattle?! And, let's be real--this coming showdown against Miami is the only guaranteed win on this team's plate the rest of the way. The NFC East is wide-open at this point. Just because the Blue Men are in the driver's seat now doesn't really mean anything.
The Entertaining As Hell Division
9. Baltimore
Put it this way: these guys were ranked at #4 until Monday night's debacle. Baltimore fans are praying that was merely an anomaly, and that this team is finally living up to the potential-dynasty hype I bestowed upon them two seasons ago. And not a sign of an impending collapse. Time will tell. In the meantime, they just lost to the Jaguars, so they'll take a free-fall in the polls.
8. Chicago
All of these teams fall under the following category: extremely fun to watch, more competent than average, probably playoff teams, but just missing the total package. Give me Matt Forte, and I'll put together a championship team. Give me Jay Cutler, and that championship team will putter out in the divisional/conference round. For years now, I've been making the Jay Cutler-Jeff George comparison--just now, I realized that Marshall Faulk-Matt Forte is just as valid. Creepy. Let's hope that the Bears aren't within a decade of drafting their own Peyton Manning, much like the George-Faulk Colts in the early '90s.
7. Detroit
Jesus, what the hell happened? Two weeks ago, Green Bay-Detroit for Thanksgiving looked like the game of the decade. Now, the Lions have lost two straight, Matty Stafford's ankle is giving him trouble, Jahvid Best appears to be out for the year, and Jerome Harrison has a brain tumor. Just a brutal turn of events. On the bright side--Calvin Johnson is still unstoppable, and the Lions are still five wins better than they were a few years ago.
6. Buffalo
I'm still trying to figure out how these guys beat New England. Don't get me wrong--Stevie Johnson has emerged as a top-10 wideout, the entire league is kicking themselves for not picking up on Fred Jackson first, and Ryan Fitzpatrick is the next generation of "game manager" quarterback who makes good decisions, uses the talent around him, and doesn't fuck things up. Perfect fit for this team. The Buffalo fans deserve a playoff team, and I really hope they can hold on and get it this year. Miami twice, Washington, Tennessee, and Denver might be enough to get them there--but they might need to knock a few other ones out, too.
The Dark Horse Division
5. San Francisco
Eerily reminiscent of the '06 Bears. A prototypical "everything but the dining room" team. As Bill Simmons explained it:
"OK, let's say you just bought a new house, only you got soaked on your mortgage and had to go with a 75-25 instead of an 80-20. You're short on funds, so you decide, 'We're going to spend most of our time in the kitchen, TV room and bedroom' and spend all your remaining funds to make those rooms nice: Maybe a 52-inch plasma, comfy sofa, kitchen table, king-sized bed, a few framed pictures, some homey knick-knacks and so on. By the time you're done, every room in the house looks great except for the dining room. Instead of half-assing it and putting a cheap-looking table and chairs in there, or even worse, splurging on a nice table and crappy chairs, you decided to sacrifice that room for 12 months, leave it empty and use that extra money on the rest of the house. It's the right move. And when friends visit and see an empty dining room, you just explain, 'Yeah, we haven't gotten around to that room yet.' They will understand, especially when they see the rest of your kick-ass house."
Aside from the fact that the hypothetical person who got soaked on their mortgage and couldn't afford to furnish their whole house is probably foreclosed and living in Mommy's basement by now, this is the Niners to a T. They've got a big-game runner in Frank Gore. They've got a suffocating D. They've got a rookie coach who ran shit at the college level, and appears to be one of the "runs shit at every level" coaches as opposed to the Pete Carroll variety of "runs shit as long as I can pay my players and nobody else can" type. In a down year, they'd be a favorite. In this NFL? Sorry, but the Empty Dining Room (Alex Smith's new nickname) is enough to drag them down to the 5th spot in the Parade of Homes.
(Like how I carried the dining room analogy at least three jokes longer than I should have? That's what happens when I write these things drunk. Just bear with me here, we're almost done and I'm still somewhat cohesive. Or coherent. Whatever.)
4. Pittsburgh
With a team like this, you have to ignore the Week 1 shellacking at the hands of Baltimore. Maybe it was the lockout, maybe it was the Week One jitters--the point is, we've seen six other examples, and that was not this team. This weekend's matchup with New England will tell us a lot about this team.
(And let's be real--this right here is probably the biggest gap in the poll. From 3-4 is a massive chasm. Maybe that's because Baltimore was supposed to go here until they shat the bed on Monday. But when your 4th best team in the NFL is coming into a "time to prove ourselves" game, well, that's not an encouraging sign for the rest of the league.
3. New Orleans
Does anyone actually remember that these guys blew a winnable game against Tampa just a little over a week ago? No, all I can think of is the revolving door endzone defense the Colts tried to employ Sunday night. Setting an NFL regular-season record for points tends to shorten the memory when it comes to things like that.
The Number One Contender
2. New England
We've been waiting for a New England-Green Bay Super Bowl ever since 2008. Which, of course, means that something will inevitably screw it up. I'm sorry to say, Bill Belichek isn't the same coach he once was. Is he going senile? Maybe just a little bit.
That being said, this team is stacked. I'm not betting against them, that's for sure.
The Potential Dynasty
1. Green Bay
Look, I'm well aware that there may very well come a day where I look at this ranking, and that title, and cry myself to sleep. It can happen. But at this point? Last unbeaten team in the league? With arguably the best big-game quarterback since Montana in his prime? With four--count 'em four--guys who could be a #1 receiver on another team? With a winning streak stretching back to last December? With Charles Woodson preying on young quarterbacks much like Roman Polanski once preyed on young girls? With the Kuhn And Friends backfield providing the perfect supplement to Rodgers' passing attack? I refuse to apologize for this pick, and I refuse to acknowledge anyone who claims that this makes me a homer. Best team in the league right now? You know it.
Anywhoodlidoodle, here we go...
The Shitty Division Leaders Division
15. San Diego
Blatantly stolen from one of my Tweeps (and a hugely inspirational fellow young-curmudgeon-cum-blogger), Justin Rebello: "Whoever it was in the NY Times who called [the] Jets-Chargers game the 'No-Ring Circus" deserves a raise." The Chargers are the NFL's version of the old women's axiom: always a bridesmaid, never a bride. They're in the playoffs every year it seems, but always fall apart. Time was, this was because of Marty Schottenheimer. This year, it'll be because they're just not that great of a team, but they're stuck in a division with the Jamaal Charles-less Chiefs, the Jason Campbell-less Raiders, and the Mile High Train Wreck. I'd feel bad for Phil Rivers at this point if everything I've read about him didn't have me convinced that he was a colossal spoiled douche.
14. Houston
"An all-Texas Super Bowl... sweet Jethro Pugh"--Hank Hill
Yeah, that's not happening this year. The Texans are 2-3 against teams not trying to Suck for Luck. But they do have impressive wins over Pittsburgh and a shellacking of Tennessee. Translation? Like every year, the Texans are a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a mystery--not to mention a gambler's nightmare. Inconsistency is not a great quality come playoff time, though. They'll get in on account of their division sucks--what happens beyond that is anyone's guess.
(And yes, I'm aware that I just reverse-jinxed us up a guarantee of an all-Texas Super Bowl. The Cowboys are in a division without a clear favorite, and the Texans would really need to try hard to piss away their division. Then again... Romo in New Orleans or Green Bay. It's not happening. Houston, I could see getting hot come January and making a run. But Romo on the road against one of those teams--I couldn't bet enough against him.)
The Gary Johnson Memorial "Fringe Candidate" Division
13. NY Jets
Since Ron Paul is now polling in the double digits, Gary Johnson takes over as the 2012 version of "Presidential candidate who I like, but has a less than zero chance of winning." Similarly, I like the Jets. I like Rex Ryan, creepy foot fetish and all. I like Bart Scott, who I think is the next-gen version of Ray Lewis. I have had an affinity for LDT ever since he carried me to two straight Fantasy championship games, and I love how he's reinvented himself as a top-of-the-line scat back. But, I'm sorry--Mark Sanchez and Shonn Greene are not winning a title anytime soon. Just sayin'.
12. Tampa Bay
Sorry, Saints fans--but the coming decade of Josh Freeman-Matty Ice-Cam Newton divisional rivalry has me excited. Josh might be fighting through the sophomore jinx right now, but he'll bounce back. This year, the Bucs fall into the same category as the Texans--unpredictable enough that they might beat the Saints, or lay an egg against the Bears. The only problem? The Texans are in a shitty division, in which "inconsistently great" is far and away the favorite. The 'Bucs are in a division with the Falcons and Saints. "Inconsistent" just doesn't cut it.
11. Atlanta
They get the nod over Tampa for this spot largely thanks to strength of schedule--already 4-3, the Falcons are looking at 5 near-guaranteed wins (Indy, Tenn, Minn, Car, Jax) the rest of the way. And the Texans and Bucs are both winnable games. Ten wins is hardly a stretch for them. Tampa, on the other hand? They get Tennessee, Carolina twice, and Jacksonville--then toss-ups against the Falcons, Texans, and Cowboys. You're telling me the Dirty Birds aren't a game better?
10. NY Giants
Say what you will about Eli Manning (and, dear Lord, I have done just that in this space previously)--I'd much rather have the title of "Worst QB to ever win a Super Bowl" than "Best QB to never win a Super Bowl." Warrants mentioning.
The win over Buffalo was huge. But losing to Seattle?! And, let's be real--this coming showdown against Miami is the only guaranteed win on this team's plate the rest of the way. The NFC East is wide-open at this point. Just because the Blue Men are in the driver's seat now doesn't really mean anything.
The Entertaining As Hell Division
9. Baltimore
Put it this way: these guys were ranked at #4 until Monday night's debacle. Baltimore fans are praying that was merely an anomaly, and that this team is finally living up to the potential-dynasty hype I bestowed upon them two seasons ago. And not a sign of an impending collapse. Time will tell. In the meantime, they just lost to the Jaguars, so they'll take a free-fall in the polls.
8. Chicago
All of these teams fall under the following category: extremely fun to watch, more competent than average, probably playoff teams, but just missing the total package. Give me Matt Forte, and I'll put together a championship team. Give me Jay Cutler, and that championship team will putter out in the divisional/conference round. For years now, I've been making the Jay Cutler-Jeff George comparison--just now, I realized that Marshall Faulk-Matt Forte is just as valid. Creepy. Let's hope that the Bears aren't within a decade of drafting their own Peyton Manning, much like the George-Faulk Colts in the early '90s.
7. Detroit
Jesus, what the hell happened? Two weeks ago, Green Bay-Detroit for Thanksgiving looked like the game of the decade. Now, the Lions have lost two straight, Matty Stafford's ankle is giving him trouble, Jahvid Best appears to be out for the year, and Jerome Harrison has a brain tumor. Just a brutal turn of events. On the bright side--Calvin Johnson is still unstoppable, and the Lions are still five wins better than they were a few years ago.
6. Buffalo
I'm still trying to figure out how these guys beat New England. Don't get me wrong--Stevie Johnson has emerged as a top-10 wideout, the entire league is kicking themselves for not picking up on Fred Jackson first, and Ryan Fitzpatrick is the next generation of "game manager" quarterback who makes good decisions, uses the talent around him, and doesn't fuck things up. Perfect fit for this team. The Buffalo fans deserve a playoff team, and I really hope they can hold on and get it this year. Miami twice, Washington, Tennessee, and Denver might be enough to get them there--but they might need to knock a few other ones out, too.
The Dark Horse Division
5. San Francisco
Eerily reminiscent of the '06 Bears. A prototypical "everything but the dining room" team. As Bill Simmons explained it:
"OK, let's say you just bought a new house, only you got soaked on your mortgage and had to go with a 75-25 instead of an 80-20. You're short on funds, so you decide, 'We're going to spend most of our time in the kitchen, TV room and bedroom' and spend all your remaining funds to make those rooms nice: Maybe a 52-inch plasma, comfy sofa, kitchen table, king-sized bed, a few framed pictures, some homey knick-knacks and so on. By the time you're done, every room in the house looks great except for the dining room. Instead of half-assing it and putting a cheap-looking table and chairs in there, or even worse, splurging on a nice table and crappy chairs, you decided to sacrifice that room for 12 months, leave it empty and use that extra money on the rest of the house. It's the right move. And when friends visit and see an empty dining room, you just explain, 'Yeah, we haven't gotten around to that room yet.' They will understand, especially when they see the rest of your kick-ass house."
Aside from the fact that the hypothetical person who got soaked on their mortgage and couldn't afford to furnish their whole house is probably foreclosed and living in Mommy's basement by now, this is the Niners to a T. They've got a big-game runner in Frank Gore. They've got a suffocating D. They've got a rookie coach who ran shit at the college level, and appears to be one of the "runs shit at every level" coaches as opposed to the Pete Carroll variety of "runs shit as long as I can pay my players and nobody else can" type. In a down year, they'd be a favorite. In this NFL? Sorry, but the Empty Dining Room (Alex Smith's new nickname) is enough to drag them down to the 5th spot in the Parade of Homes.
(Like how I carried the dining room analogy at least three jokes longer than I should have? That's what happens when I write these things drunk. Just bear with me here, we're almost done and I'm still somewhat cohesive. Or coherent. Whatever.)
4. Pittsburgh
With a team like this, you have to ignore the Week 1 shellacking at the hands of Baltimore. Maybe it was the lockout, maybe it was the Week One jitters--the point is, we've seen six other examples, and that was not this team. This weekend's matchup with New England will tell us a lot about this team.
(And let's be real--this right here is probably the biggest gap in the poll. From 3-4 is a massive chasm. Maybe that's because Baltimore was supposed to go here until they shat the bed on Monday. But when your 4th best team in the NFL is coming into a "time to prove ourselves" game, well, that's not an encouraging sign for the rest of the league.
3. New Orleans
Does anyone actually remember that these guys blew a winnable game against Tampa just a little over a week ago? No, all I can think of is the revolving door endzone defense the Colts tried to employ Sunday night. Setting an NFL regular-season record for points tends to shorten the memory when it comes to things like that.
The Number One Contender
2. New England
We've been waiting for a New England-Green Bay Super Bowl ever since 2008. Which, of course, means that something will inevitably screw it up. I'm sorry to say, Bill Belichek isn't the same coach he once was. Is he going senile? Maybe just a little bit.
That being said, this team is stacked. I'm not betting against them, that's for sure.
The Potential Dynasty
1. Green Bay
Look, I'm well aware that there may very well come a day where I look at this ranking, and that title, and cry myself to sleep. It can happen. But at this point? Last unbeaten team in the league? With arguably the best big-game quarterback since Montana in his prime? With four--count 'em four--guys who could be a #1 receiver on another team? With a winning streak stretching back to last December? With Charles Woodson preying on young quarterbacks much like Roman Polanski once preyed on young girls? With the Kuhn And Friends backfield providing the perfect supplement to Rodgers' passing attack? I refuse to apologize for this pick, and I refuse to acknowledge anyone who claims that this makes me a homer. Best team in the league right now? You know it.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Presents: The Return of the Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Your Name Here Power Poll! (Part I)
Yes, after a year's hiatus, it's back. One man. Thirty-two teams. And a dream, to figure out who is better than who, who is overrated, and who sucks so hard they could pull a golf ball through a garden hose.
As always, these rankings are completely arbitrary. And as always, if you would like to sponsor the Power Poll, please inquire within. I don't even charge for it--though if you bought me a beer, that'd be sweet shit.
The Andrew Luck Division
32. Indianapolis
Yeesh, I can smell this team all the way up in Oshkosh. Just last night, they lost 62-7. Sixty two to seven!!! That's not an NFL score, that's a "D-I powerhouse playing Cupcake State in non-conference play" score.
Look, I know the popular joke to make is "Peyton Manning should get a decade of post-dated MVP awards the way they're playing without him!" But let's be real: Peyton Manning would have done absolutely nothing to stop the Saints from carving up the defense for 62 points. I'd argue that Manning's shoulder falling off was the best thing that could've happened for his legacy. He avoids this season's train wreck, goes out as an elite quarterback, avoids the brutal late-career slowdown that tainted so many careers (for recent examples see McNabb, Donovan and Favre, Brett--every Vikings fan reading this just tried to flush their own head down the toilet), and on top of which he now gets an unduly large portion of the credit for the past decade-plus of success. Sure, Manning was great, and the major reason those teams were so good. But it will now be remembered that he was the only reason they were that good--which is unfair to the likes of Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, Marvin Harrison, Marcus Pollard, Bob Sanders, and every other talented piece of those teams.
31. Miami
Look, I would not argue if you placed these guys at 32. Blowing a 15-point lead in three minutes against a gimmicky quarterback making his first pro start? Reggie Bush showing that he really did suck all this time? A season of Brandon Marshall running forty-yard sprints as the likes of Matt Moore underthrows him time and again? A season of Marshall returning to the huddle after, staring down Moore and melting whatever confidence he had left? Ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Miami Dolphins! Good thing their fan base has looming Medicare insolvency to keep their minds off the season.
(One last note on the 'Fins: if signing JP Losman is ever the answer, the question shouldn't even be asked.)
Quite Possibly the Shittiest Division in Football History
30. St. Louis
Technically, St. Louis is kind of a crossover between these two divisions. The most disappointing team in football thus far. Remember when "hey, maybe St. Louis will go 8-8 and win the NFC West" was a smart pick? Injuries to Sam Bradford and Steven Jackson are largely responsible for St. Louis failing to post a multiple-touchdown game this season. If they stay healthy (iffy), Brandon Lloyd represents an upgrade over the Brandon Gibson-Darnario Alexander-Greg Salas pu-pu platter (a certainty), and San Francisco falls apart (don't count it out), they're not out of it yet. Making them the first 0-6 team ever to be "not out of it yet."
29. Arizona
Kevin Kolb is on pace to set NFL records for intentional grounding and passes thrown off his back foot. So, to recap, the Cards traded an All-Pro cornerback and a second-round pick for a quarterback who is afraid of contact. Something they probably would have liked to know before making him the center of the offense. In their only win this season, they gave up 422 passing yards to a rookie quarterback in his first NFL game. Not exactly a ringing endorsement.
28. Seattle
Your current second place holders in the NFC West... led by the immortal Marshawn Lynch (who is a year removed from being the fourth-string back on a losing team) and Tarvaris Jackson (who is Tarvaris Jackson). And are coached by Pete Carroll, who is a fantastic coach as long as he can pay his players and his opponents can't. Which pretty much rules them out, unless the NFL can somehow sub the Los Angeles Dodgers onto their schedule.
(Yes, these three teams will all each play each other twice. Which means two Jackson-Kolb matchups that have Vegas already trembling with fear. Who will prevail, the resistable force or the movable object? Jackson's erratic passing, or Kolb's erratic pocket behavior? All I know is I'm not touching either of those matchups.)
The "Our Rookie Quarterback Gives Us Hope For The Future" Division
27. Jacksonville
They've reached 20 points only once this season. Their allegedly elite running back has reached 100 yards only twice this season, despite being thefocal point only toothful part of their offense. Their only wide receivers with more than 10 catches are two guys named Mike Thomas and Jason Hill. All signs point to a team that can't score points. And you usually can't win games without scoring points, unless Joe Flacco decides to give them to you.
Poor Blaine Gabbert. By any measure, he's performed as well as can be expected for a rookie quarterback with no talent around him--he's avoided self-destruction, and posted numbers far superior to Generic McCown Brother when pressed into duty. Give it a few years, and he'll be Los Angeles's most popular quarterback since Matt Leinart was shredding coed vagina at USC.
26. Minnesota
The Bernard Berrian era is over. Luckily, the Vikings are off this coming week--the extra week should be just what Les Frazier needs to pull out the giant fork sticking out of Donovan McNabb. Time to hang 'em up.
Thing is, this is a .500 team with Christian Ponder at the helm. They played the Packers well. Ponder looked generally passable against everybody but Charles Woodson, who coincidentally has made a hobby out of feasting on rookie quarterbacks. A week of Tebowmania overshadowing his first start, along with a bye week to quell whatever hype remains, and he's going to be a gambler's best friend until everyone realizes how good he is.
25. Carolina
Here's the difference: Ponder and Gabbert both have futures as NFL starters. With Cam Newton, the sky is the limit. Not since Michael Vick has a quarterback made this big of an impact on his offense; and Newton didn't back up for a year first. Steve Smith looks like a hostage victim reunited with his family--just ecstatic to put the whole ordeal behind him, and happy to have a decent support system around him again. If DeAngelo Williams ever figures out how to be explosive again, this team has some bite.
Quite Possibly the Second Shittiest Division in the History of Football
24. Oakland
How bad was the Carson Palmer trade? The Raiders gave up a first and second-round pick for a 31-year-old quarterback who made the Pro Bowl five years ago, and has since battled through two major injuries (Von Oelhoffen snapping his leg in the '06 playoffs, and the nagging shoulder injury which has plagued him and rendered him largely ineffective since '08). The Redskins traded a second and fourth round pick for a quarterback who was two years older than Palmer at the time of the trade, and six times more Pro Bowled over his career. A year later, the Vikings got him for a sixth round pick. The Texans got Matt Schaub for two second-rounders and a swap of first-round picks. The only team to pay for their starter, and pay a comparable price, was the Bears, who sent Kyle Orton, two first-rounders and a third rounder to the Broncos for Jay Cutler and a fifth-round pick. Cutler was 26 at the time, and coming off of a Pro Bowl season. In short: Al Davis may be dead, but his tendency to overpay for crappy quarterbacks must have rubbed off on the rest of the organization.
(Yes, Oakland is 4-3. Three of those wins came with the surprisingly competent Jason Campbell at the helm for the whole game, and the fourth came in the game that saw Campbell knocked out and the Raiders pull it out on a fake punt--against the Browns. After this past weekend, it's hard to believe that they'll win another 4 the rest of the way.)
23. Denver
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, please save us from the Tebowmania that is sure to come.
Look, as someone who plug-and-played Godboy during Tom Brady's bye week, I couldn't be happier with his late-game resurgence. But let's be objective here. He led a frantic late-game comeback in his backyard against one of the worst teams in recent memory. Just a week ago, Mark Sanchez handled Miami with no late-game heroics necessary, and the media folks love to talk about how bad Sanchez sucks. In the immortal words of Winston Wolf, let's not start sucking each other's dicks yet.
22. Kansas City
Sigh. The AFC West wasn't all that terrible when Jason Campbell was in the picture. But now? Denver sucks, Oakland sucks harder, and the Chiefs somehow find themselves in striking distance, despite no running game to speak of and Matt Cassel trying to do it all singlehandedly. That will happen when half of your games have been against the likes of Donovan McNabb, Curtis Painter, and the Kyle Boller/Carson Palmer combination (or, as they are collectively known, The Shit Sandwich). Miami and Denver (twice) are the only remaining games along those same cupcake lines. If you picked up a "KC to win the West from 0-3" ticket, now would be the time to get max value for that thing.
The Star-Studded Trainwreck Division
21. Philadelphia
Not only are their big-name acquisitions failing to produce, they couldn't even give away Ronnie Brown successfully. While stockpiling hype-happy assets this off-season, the Iggles appparently forgot that LeSean McCoy and Ronnie Brown are both best suited to being the second guy on the depth chart. Meanwhile, Michael Vick has un-learned how to hold on to the football. Not a happy combination. The good news? Other than New England in Week 12, their schedule looks pretty manageable the rest of the way. If they can put the hype behind them, gel as a team, and make the playoffs, I would not want to match up against them at any point.
The Shakier than the San Andreas Fault Division
20. Tennessee
The Good: Chris Johnson; always a force that must be accounted for. A huge win over Baltimore.
The Bad: Matt Hasselbeck; never much of a "force" and now well past his prime. A defense that has given up 38 and 41 points in its last two contests. A loss to Jacksonville, who also beat Baltimore.
The Ugly: All of the "Bad" things listed directly hamper the "Good"s. A mediocre QB and a porous defense are not a running game's best friends.
19. Cleveland
The Good: Peyton Hillis. Can we please just start calling him "White Christian Okoye?" He's the most dominant bruiser back since the Nigerian Nightmare himself. They both were irrationally popular. And they both plied their trades mostly on crappy teams. Also, the rest of the way they get St. Louis, Jacksonviille, and Arizona.
The Bad: Colt McCoy--he came into this season straddling the line between "game manager" and "sucks." Now we know which side he falls on. The defense--notwithstanding this past weekend's 6-3 snoozefest, they've gotten torched by some less-than-powerhouse teams.
The Ugly: Those three wins came against Miami, Indianapolis, and Seattle. Yikes.
18. Washington
The Good: Fred Davis and Jabar Gaffney have emerged as capable threats next to Santana Moss. The defense is a lot better than you think. And is anyone in the NFC East really all that much more dominant?
The Bad: Rex Grossman/John Beck (another Shit Sandwich). You can get by with them and the aforementioned wideouts as long as you've got a threatening running game. Tim Hightower is not a threatening running game.
The Ugly: Buffalo, San Fran, NY Jets, New England, and a possibly-rejuvenated-by-Week-17 Philly team all remain on the schedule. It's not getting any easier.
17. Dallas
The Good: They've got the best point differential in the East, not a bad loss to their name (NY Jets, New England, Detroit pre-collapse), and a pretty smooth remainder of the schedule. DeMarco Murray might be this year's Arion Foster.
The Bad: Their defense is DeMarcus Ware, Sean Lee, and a collection of has-beens and never-weres. Should this team reach the playoffs, are they really holding their own against Green Bay or New Orleans?
The Ugly: We knew Tony Romo had to go here. As usual, his numbers are good--but they don't tell the whole soul-crushing late-game-choking story.
The Good Bad Team
16. Cincinatti
Every year there's one of these. They beat the teams they are supposed to beat, and lose the games they should lose. Meaning they should get to 6-2 before Pittsburgh and Baltimore bring them back down to earth. But look at it this way, Cincy fans: you're ranked a full nine spots higher than the next best team starting a rookie quarterback!
Tomorrow: The Top 15
As always, these rankings are completely arbitrary. And as always, if you would like to sponsor the Power Poll, please inquire within. I don't even charge for it--though if you bought me a beer, that'd be sweet shit.
The Andrew Luck Division
32. Indianapolis
Yeesh, I can smell this team all the way up in Oshkosh. Just last night, they lost 62-7. Sixty two to seven!!! That's not an NFL score, that's a "D-I powerhouse playing Cupcake State in non-conference play" score.
Look, I know the popular joke to make is "Peyton Manning should get a decade of post-dated MVP awards the way they're playing without him!" But let's be real: Peyton Manning would have done absolutely nothing to stop the Saints from carving up the defense for 62 points. I'd argue that Manning's shoulder falling off was the best thing that could've happened for his legacy. He avoids this season's train wreck, goes out as an elite quarterback, avoids the brutal late-career slowdown that tainted so many careers (for recent examples see McNabb, Donovan and Favre, Brett--every Vikings fan reading this just tried to flush their own head down the toilet), and on top of which he now gets an unduly large portion of the credit for the past decade-plus of success. Sure, Manning was great, and the major reason those teams were so good. But it will now be remembered that he was the only reason they were that good--which is unfair to the likes of Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, Marvin Harrison, Marcus Pollard, Bob Sanders, and every other talented piece of those teams.
31. Miami
Look, I would not argue if you placed these guys at 32. Blowing a 15-point lead in three minutes against a gimmicky quarterback making his first pro start? Reggie Bush showing that he really did suck all this time? A season of Brandon Marshall running forty-yard sprints as the likes of Matt Moore underthrows him time and again? A season of Marshall returning to the huddle after, staring down Moore and melting whatever confidence he had left? Ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Miami Dolphins! Good thing their fan base has looming Medicare insolvency to keep their minds off the season.
(One last note on the 'Fins: if signing JP Losman is ever the answer, the question shouldn't even be asked.)
Quite Possibly the Shittiest Division in Football History
30. St. Louis
Technically, St. Louis is kind of a crossover between these two divisions. The most disappointing team in football thus far. Remember when "hey, maybe St. Louis will go 8-8 and win the NFC West" was a smart pick? Injuries to Sam Bradford and Steven Jackson are largely responsible for St. Louis failing to post a multiple-touchdown game this season. If they stay healthy (iffy), Brandon Lloyd represents an upgrade over the Brandon Gibson-Darnario Alexander-Greg Salas pu-pu platter (a certainty), and San Francisco falls apart (don't count it out), they're not out of it yet. Making them the first 0-6 team ever to be "not out of it yet."
29. Arizona
Kevin Kolb is on pace to set NFL records for intentional grounding and passes thrown off his back foot. So, to recap, the Cards traded an All-Pro cornerback and a second-round pick for a quarterback who is afraid of contact. Something they probably would have liked to know before making him the center of the offense. In their only win this season, they gave up 422 passing yards to a rookie quarterback in his first NFL game. Not exactly a ringing endorsement.
28. Seattle
Your current second place holders in the NFC West... led by the immortal Marshawn Lynch (who is a year removed from being the fourth-string back on a losing team) and Tarvaris Jackson (who is Tarvaris Jackson). And are coached by Pete Carroll, who is a fantastic coach as long as he can pay his players and his opponents can't. Which pretty much rules them out, unless the NFL can somehow sub the Los Angeles Dodgers onto their schedule.
(Yes, these three teams will all each play each other twice. Which means two Jackson-Kolb matchups that have Vegas already trembling with fear. Who will prevail, the resistable force or the movable object? Jackson's erratic passing, or Kolb's erratic pocket behavior? All I know is I'm not touching either of those matchups.)
The "Our Rookie Quarterback Gives Us Hope For The Future" Division
27. Jacksonville
They've reached 20 points only once this season. Their allegedly elite running back has reached 100 yards only twice this season, despite being the
Poor Blaine Gabbert. By any measure, he's performed as well as can be expected for a rookie quarterback with no talent around him--he's avoided self-destruction, and posted numbers far superior to Generic McCown Brother when pressed into duty. Give it a few years, and he'll be Los Angeles's most popular quarterback since Matt Leinart was shredding coed vagina at USC.
26. Minnesota
The Bernard Berrian era is over. Luckily, the Vikings are off this coming week--the extra week should be just what Les Frazier needs to pull out the giant fork sticking out of Donovan McNabb. Time to hang 'em up.
Thing is, this is a .500 team with Christian Ponder at the helm. They played the Packers well. Ponder looked generally passable against everybody but Charles Woodson, who coincidentally has made a hobby out of feasting on rookie quarterbacks. A week of Tebowmania overshadowing his first start, along with a bye week to quell whatever hype remains, and he's going to be a gambler's best friend until everyone realizes how good he is.
25. Carolina
Here's the difference: Ponder and Gabbert both have futures as NFL starters. With Cam Newton, the sky is the limit. Not since Michael Vick has a quarterback made this big of an impact on his offense; and Newton didn't back up for a year first. Steve Smith looks like a hostage victim reunited with his family--just ecstatic to put the whole ordeal behind him, and happy to have a decent support system around him again. If DeAngelo Williams ever figures out how to be explosive again, this team has some bite.
Quite Possibly the Second Shittiest Division in the History of Football
24. Oakland
How bad was the Carson Palmer trade? The Raiders gave up a first and second-round pick for a 31-year-old quarterback who made the Pro Bowl five years ago, and has since battled through two major injuries (Von Oelhoffen snapping his leg in the '06 playoffs, and the nagging shoulder injury which has plagued him and rendered him largely ineffective since '08). The Redskins traded a second and fourth round pick for a quarterback who was two years older than Palmer at the time of the trade, and six times more Pro Bowled over his career. A year later, the Vikings got him for a sixth round pick. The Texans got Matt Schaub for two second-rounders and a swap of first-round picks. The only team to pay for their starter, and pay a comparable price, was the Bears, who sent Kyle Orton, two first-rounders and a third rounder to the Broncos for Jay Cutler and a fifth-round pick. Cutler was 26 at the time, and coming off of a Pro Bowl season. In short: Al Davis may be dead, but his tendency to overpay for crappy quarterbacks must have rubbed off on the rest of the organization.
(Yes, Oakland is 4-3. Three of those wins came with the surprisingly competent Jason Campbell at the helm for the whole game, and the fourth came in the game that saw Campbell knocked out and the Raiders pull it out on a fake punt--against the Browns. After this past weekend, it's hard to believe that they'll win another 4 the rest of the way.)
23. Denver
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, please save us from the Tebowmania that is sure to come.
Look, as someone who plug-and-played Godboy during Tom Brady's bye week, I couldn't be happier with his late-game resurgence. But let's be objective here. He led a frantic late-game comeback in his backyard against one of the worst teams in recent memory. Just a week ago, Mark Sanchez handled Miami with no late-game heroics necessary, and the media folks love to talk about how bad Sanchez sucks. In the immortal words of Winston Wolf, let's not start sucking each other's dicks yet.
22. Kansas City
Sigh. The AFC West wasn't all that terrible when Jason Campbell was in the picture. But now? Denver sucks, Oakland sucks harder, and the Chiefs somehow find themselves in striking distance, despite no running game to speak of and Matt Cassel trying to do it all singlehandedly. That will happen when half of your games have been against the likes of Donovan McNabb, Curtis Painter, and the Kyle Boller/Carson Palmer combination (or, as they are collectively known, The Shit Sandwich). Miami and Denver (twice) are the only remaining games along those same cupcake lines. If you picked up a "KC to win the West from 0-3" ticket, now would be the time to get max value for that thing.
The Star-Studded Trainwreck Division
21. Philadelphia
Not only are their big-name acquisitions failing to produce, they couldn't even give away Ronnie Brown successfully. While stockpiling hype-happy assets this off-season, the Iggles appparently forgot that LeSean McCoy and Ronnie Brown are both best suited to being the second guy on the depth chart. Meanwhile, Michael Vick has un-learned how to hold on to the football. Not a happy combination. The good news? Other than New England in Week 12, their schedule looks pretty manageable the rest of the way. If they can put the hype behind them, gel as a team, and make the playoffs, I would not want to match up against them at any point.
The Shakier than the San Andreas Fault Division
20. Tennessee
The Good: Chris Johnson; always a force that must be accounted for. A huge win over Baltimore.
The Bad: Matt Hasselbeck; never much of a "force" and now well past his prime. A defense that has given up 38 and 41 points in its last two contests. A loss to Jacksonville, who also beat Baltimore.
The Ugly: All of the "Bad" things listed directly hamper the "Good"s. A mediocre QB and a porous defense are not a running game's best friends.
19. Cleveland
The Good: Peyton Hillis. Can we please just start calling him "White Christian Okoye?" He's the most dominant bruiser back since the Nigerian Nightmare himself. They both were irrationally popular. And they both plied their trades mostly on crappy teams. Also, the rest of the way they get St. Louis, Jacksonviille, and Arizona.
The Bad: Colt McCoy--he came into this season straddling the line between "game manager" and "sucks." Now we know which side he falls on. The defense--notwithstanding this past weekend's 6-3 snoozefest, they've gotten torched by some less-than-powerhouse teams.
The Ugly: Those three wins came against Miami, Indianapolis, and Seattle. Yikes.
18. Washington
The Good: Fred Davis and Jabar Gaffney have emerged as capable threats next to Santana Moss. The defense is a lot better than you think. And is anyone in the NFC East really all that much more dominant?
The Bad: Rex Grossman/John Beck (another Shit Sandwich). You can get by with them and the aforementioned wideouts as long as you've got a threatening running game. Tim Hightower is not a threatening running game.
The Ugly: Buffalo, San Fran, NY Jets, New England, and a possibly-rejuvenated-by-Week-17 Philly team all remain on the schedule. It's not getting any easier.
17. Dallas
The Good: They've got the best point differential in the East, not a bad loss to their name (NY Jets, New England, Detroit pre-collapse), and a pretty smooth remainder of the schedule. DeMarco Murray might be this year's Arion Foster.
The Bad: Their defense is DeMarcus Ware, Sean Lee, and a collection of has-beens and never-weres. Should this team reach the playoffs, are they really holding their own against Green Bay or New Orleans?
The Ugly: We knew Tony Romo had to go here. As usual, his numbers are good--but they don't tell the whole soul-crushing late-game-choking story.
The Good Bad Team
16. Cincinatti
Every year there's one of these. They beat the teams they are supposed to beat, and lose the games they should lose. Meaning they should get to 6-2 before Pittsburgh and Baltimore bring them back down to earth. But look at it this way, Cincy fans: you're ranked a full nine spots higher than the next best team starting a rookie quarterback!
Tomorrow: The Top 15
Friday, September 23, 2011
The Ten Best Sex Scandals in Sports History
Oft-quoted statistics tell us that men think about sex every 7 seconds on average. Now, taking that same line of thinking ("men are constantly horny" for the psych majors struggling to keep up), consider that the "average" man gets sex thrown unabashedly in his face every 2.7 years or so; while the average professional athlete gets sex thrown unabashedly into his face whenever he wants it, and often when he doesn't want it, too. Because of this great disparity, athletes tend to find themselves in sex scandals quite often--and fans like you and I tend to find these increasingly hilarious.
And yes, this topic was picked deliberately as an excuse to include Glen Rice and Sarah Palin.
Honorable Mention: Max Mosley's Nazi Orgies
No, I'm not making that up. Nazi. Orgies. Max Mosley was the head of FIA, the governing body for Formula One. In March of 2008, a British tabloid leaked video of Mosley participating in a Nazi-themed sadomasochistic orgy with five prostitutes. At one point in the video, the dominatrixes have to stop to bandage Mosleys ass after spanking him too hard. This scandal would rank in the top three for sure--but unfortunately, auto racing doesn't count as a real sport.
10. Yankees Swap Wives
The only time in history two teammates have been traded for one another. In 1973, the big off-season trade everyone was talking about in spring training involved two Yankees--Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich--swapping wives and families. The two had been best friends since both coming up with the Yankees in 1969, and as was the tradition in the 1970s, they became involved in swinging (allegedly for the first time at a party at sportscaster Mel Allen's house, which would be if two Yankees decided to plow each other's wives while partying at Stu Scott's crib today. The lesson, as always? The '70s were awesome). At some point in 1972, the two decided to trade permanently, and all the people who had been complaining about the hippies through the '60s had something new to bitch about.
So, who got the better end of the bargain? Peterson and the former Suzanne Kekich are still married, with four additional children (both players/families had two coming into the swap), while Marilyn Peterson got cold feet at the last second, and bailed on Kekich. The two were never close again.
9. The Sanchize Bangs a High Schooler
This past New Years, Mark Sanchez appeared at a Manhattan club called Lavo. While ringing in the new year, Sanchez chatted up a young girl named Eliza Kruger. Kruger was not 21 years old as her ID stated, rather, she was 17. She flirted with Sanchez, and upon exchanging numbers with the quarterback remarked "You know I'm 17, right?" Sanchez still wanted to continue talking to her, but stated that he "can't see [her] 'til [she's] 18." Showing far better presence under pressure than Sanchez has ever shown playing quarterback, Kruger then reminded the Sanchize that the age of consent in both New York and New Jersey is 17. Smooth.
Sanchez proceeded to court the young schoolgirl, inviting her to the season finale against the Bills, then taking her to dinner a week later. After dinner, Sanchez brought Kruger back to his place to fuck. No laws were broken, but the awkwardness Sanchez shows in big games makes a hell of a lot more sense in light of his continued pursuit of high school girls well into his 20s, which is a lot like leaving the difficulty on Madden set to "Easy" when you're repeatedly winning 70-0.
8. Pokey Pokes Her Players
Pokey Chatman, in addition to having an awesome name, was a wildly successful women's basketball coach at LSU. After taking the program over from a dying Sue Gunter, Chatman went 90-14, including Final Four berths her first two seasons. But before the 2007 NCAA Tournament, Chatman resigned amidst allegations that she had carried out affairs with multiple players during her coaching career. Despite her career winning percentage, Chatman was unable to find a coaching job in America for another three years. This entry gets major penalty points for being about women's basketball, but manages to make up almost all of them by involving lesbians. Everything is better with lesbians.
7. The Legend of Ron Mexico
Even before the dogfighting thing, Mike Vick was no stranger to scandal. In April of 2005, the then-Falcons quarterback was sued by an ex-hookup who alleged that Vick gave her herpes. The ensuing investigation revealed that Vick--or "Ron Mexico," the alias he used to get tested--did knowingly transmit herpes to the girl. Vick settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.
The real story comes after the story leaked, however: as, in a matter of hours, thousands of smart-ass fans across the nation ordered customized Falcons jerseys with the number 7 and the custom name "MEXICO" from the NFL Shop page. The league cancelled all the orders and banned the sale of any Ron Mexico jerseys, making any that happened to get made the greatest collectible of all time.
6. Eugene's Super Slip-Up
Let's say you have a buddy. Earlier tonight, that buddy was recognized for his "outstanding moral character" with an award. Let's say this buddy approaches you about celebrating his award with a couple of hooker blowjobs. Would you...
A. Remind your friend that the Irony Gods love situations exactly like this one?
B. Remind your friend that he is both married and a professional athlete, two statuses which come with a lifetime supply of blowjobs?
C. Remind your friend that he is supposed to play in the Super Bowl tomorrow, and that being arrested is literally the worst possible thing that can happen with the night?
D. All of the above?
5. The Lake Minnetonka Love Boat
So it's a few weeks into the season, and things haven't gone according to plan for the team. Time to get away for a vacation, reset everyone to "neutral," and attack the rest of the season. Sounds like a great idea, right? Minnesota Vikings fans back in 2005 must have thought so. That is, until details surfaced about what went down aboard the team cruise. Details, such as...
-Bryant McKinnie picking up a woman walking past him, setting her down on the bar, and beginning cunnilingus on her. All in one motion. As staff watched. A little-known fact is that McKinnie's 7-year, $48-million extension signed the following September was forced by a competing offer from Brazzers.
-Fred Smoot "was seen holding a double-headed dildo and moving the dildo while each end was inserted into the vagina of two women who were lying on the floor near the lounge area of the charter boat. After a period of time, one of the women got up and Mr. Smoot continued to manipulate the dildo inside the other woman." The preceding quote was taken verbatim from court documents related to the case. Just how the judge kept a straight face while reading that is beyond me.
-Daunte Culpepper and Moe Williams both got lap dances, and both were allegedly very handsy with the strippers in question.
-Mewelde Moore, Darren Sharper, Koren Robinson, and Jermaine Wiggins were also involved.
-Joe Johnstone and Smoot were the ringleaders, allegedly touring the boats in the days before. Johnstone's credit card was used to pay for the excursion.
-17 total players were involved, and the two-boat orgy allegedly had 90 people involved total, including girls and boat staff.
Smoot, McKinnie, and Williams ended up with convictions as a result of the nautical sex party, Culpepper was charged but the charges were later dropped. At the time of the party, the team was 1-4. After binging on strippers, the team went on a 7-1 run. The lesson here, as always? Nothing brings a team together like strippers.
4. Hail to the Victors? You Betcha!
Sarah Palin wasn't always a reality TV star and cable news pundit. Before that, she was a Republican nominee for Vice-President. And before that, she was the governor of Alaska. But even before all that, way back in 1987, Sarah's folksy demeanor and aw-shucks version of English were put to use as a sports reporter with an Anchorage news station. In this context, she covered a Division I tournament, in which the Michigan Wolverines were a participant. And, as a result, she had a one-night stand with then-Michigan guard Glen Rice, less than one year before eloping with husband Todd and turning into the hockey mom we all adore today. It might shock squeamish socially-conservative Palin fans in the nigra-hating Bible Belt to learn that Sarah once "had a fetish for black men," and "hauled Rose's ass down." All of this is being revealed in a new tell-all Palin biography, out Monday.
What's the best part here? You mean, other than Sarah Palin's black-dude fetish, or Sarah Palin transitioning from "NCAA groupie" to "all-American housewife" in a year? Imagining how awesome it must have been for Glen Rice to get a phone call from the book's author to validate the story, then learning that the random reporter skank you plowed up in Bumfuck, AK twenty-three years ago and quickly forgot about turned out to be a future Vice-Presidential nominee. On the sliding scale of ex-hookup results, Glen Rice is the end-point for "good." Early Vegas odds have Shawn Kemp as the favorite to be named for "bad." Stay tuned.
3. The Gold Club
The textbook "everything but the kitchen sink" scandal. This one had it all. A strip club with Mob ties, a historically packed cast list of celebrities, athletes, mafioso, strippers, and all-around scumbags. Sexual favors, shady doings, and even a guy named "Ziggy." In November 1999, Steve Kaplan was indicted on federal racketeering charges. Kaplan was the owner of the club, and the trial essentially accused him of taking over the Gold Club and turning it into a real-life version of the Bada Bing from The Sopranos--rampant drug use, lavish perks for high-profile clients, involvement from the Gambino crime family, and layers upon layers of fraud. Notable details include:
-Knicks guard Larry Johnson was Kaplan's first athlete-client. In 1994, Johnson fucked a Gold Club stripper under Kaplan's direction. No word on whether or not Larry made the stripper dress up like Grandmama.
-Later in '94, John Starks visited the club and took in a lesbian sex scene and fucked one of the strippers involved. Kaplan testified that he was surprised that a devout Christian and family man like Starks would do this.
-In 1997, Kaplan arranged a comfort mission to South Carolina, where the Knicks were playing an exhibition game. He paid six strippers $1,000 apiece to have sex with players. Later that year, former Gold Card exec Ziggy Sicignano testified about a night later that season, in which Patrick Ewing led some of his Knicks teammates to a private party in a back room at the Gold Club with six to ten strippers. An ex-gold club manager also testified that she walked in on Ewing getting a blowjob from a club employee. According to Ewing's testimony on the night, "the girls danced, started fondling me, I got aroused, they performed oral sex. I hung around a little bit and talked to them, then I left." If that's not a priceless senior quote, I don't know what is.
-In 1996, Andruw Jones took in a lesbian show of his own, then fucked one or both of the girls. Ziggy testified that Jones had sex with at least one of the girls. Jones testified that he had sex with both, following that up with "to tell you the truth, I wouldn't remember one of their faces right now." If that's not two priceless senior quotes in two paragraphs, I don't know what is.
-Dennis Rodman frequented the club quite often, engaging in at least one threesome with club employees. He was also good friends with Kaplan, and the two were often seen in public together. The lesson here, as always--when Dennis Rodman is making you a major part of his life, you are probably making a terrible decision unless Michael Jordan is also involved.
-Ziggy (by the way, this one gets major bonus points for prominently featuring a guy named "Ziggy") named Raptor Antonio Davis, who was married, as a client who had received sex at the club. When Davis denied the allegations and sued for defamation, Ziggy realized that he really meant teammate Dale Davis. Whoops.
None of the above are terribly illegal--I mean, Jones was 19 years old when he was most assuredly getting comped drinks during his live-lesbian-porn sesh, but that's hardly "drag in the federal prosecutors and keep a cell ready in lockup" territoroy. The problem was that Kaplan's business model involved raising the club's profile by providing favors to the famous, so they show up, then defrauding the shit out of the regular rich folk who come in. Eighteen claimants accused Kaplan of credit card fraud--and that's not even touching on how many victims just shut the hell up, rather than having their names dragged through a strip club indictment.
Kaplan relinquished ownership of the club, paid millions in fines, and served three years in jail. And Antonio Davis would get into trouble a few years later in which he stormed into the stands to break up a fight between a fan and his wife--and it was later revealed that it was his wife who was threatening to beat the living hell out of the man. So I'm sure that whole "I'm getting implicated in this strip club trial, but I'm totally innocent" thing went over real well for him at the time. Crazy women are well known for taking a "make 100% sure before you snap on him" approach when it comes to infidelity.
2. Kobe!
During the summer of 2003, Kobe Bryant was arrested after a 19-year-old hotel employee accused him of raping her. Bryant admitted to consensual sex with the woman, but denied raping her. Kobe would buy his wife the shiniest, most expensive apology in history just days later. The story permeated an entire NBA offseason, before the charges were eventually dropped, as the accuser showed up to a rape test with multiple samples of semen in her underwear (kind of a damning blow when your entire case is structured around "I didn't want it). Later stories suggest that the incident began consensually, but the girl was not an NBA groupie and objected to Kobe going for what is known in NBA circles as "The Trinity"--oral, then vaginal, then anal to finish. Just the thought of the look on David Stern's face as a slightly-terrified intern tries to explain The Trinity to him makes me smile.
1. Tiger on the Prowl
Shit, did this happen almost two years ago already? Last Thanksgiving, we found out that Tiger Woods had been involved in a car accident. Then "car accident" turned into "domestic dispute" and we were instantly captivated. Then it came to someone's attention that the National Enquirer had, less than a week earlier, outed Woods for an extramarital affair. The allegations were published without incident because, come on, it's the goddamn National Enquirer. Now we were hooked. Once a San Diego cocktail waitress came forward with a claim of a two-and-a-half year affair and a voice mail in which Tiger warns her that his wife is going through his phone. Within two weeks of the accident that started it all, more than two dozen women came forward admitting to affairs with Woods. Tiger was forced into a hiatus from golf, lost millions in sponsorship money, admitted to nailing over 120 women just over the course of his marriage, and his injury-plagued golf game has not recovered. Yet, at the same time, he was married to a Swedish nanny/supermodel, and averaging over twenty extracurricular vaginas a year during that marriage. Most men would gladly give up everything they own for that kind of life.
And yes, this topic was picked deliberately as an excuse to include Glen Rice and Sarah Palin.
Honorable Mention: Max Mosley's Nazi Orgies
No, I'm not making that up. Nazi. Orgies. Max Mosley was the head of FIA, the governing body for Formula One. In March of 2008, a British tabloid leaked video of Mosley participating in a Nazi-themed sadomasochistic orgy with five prostitutes. At one point in the video, the dominatrixes have to stop to bandage Mosleys ass after spanking him too hard. This scandal would rank in the top three for sure--but unfortunately, auto racing doesn't count as a real sport.
10. Yankees Swap Wives
The only time in history two teammates have been traded for one another. In 1973, the big off-season trade everyone was talking about in spring training involved two Yankees--Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich--swapping wives and families. The two had been best friends since both coming up with the Yankees in 1969, and as was the tradition in the 1970s, they became involved in swinging (allegedly for the first time at a party at sportscaster Mel Allen's house, which would be if two Yankees decided to plow each other's wives while partying at Stu Scott's crib today. The lesson, as always? The '70s were awesome). At some point in 1972, the two decided to trade permanently, and all the people who had been complaining about the hippies through the '60s had something new to bitch about.
So, who got the better end of the bargain? Peterson and the former Suzanne Kekich are still married, with four additional children (both players/families had two coming into the swap), while Marilyn Peterson got cold feet at the last second, and bailed on Kekich. The two were never close again.
9. The Sanchize Bangs a High Schooler
This past New Years, Mark Sanchez appeared at a Manhattan club called Lavo. While ringing in the new year, Sanchez chatted up a young girl named Eliza Kruger. Kruger was not 21 years old as her ID stated, rather, she was 17. She flirted with Sanchez, and upon exchanging numbers with the quarterback remarked "You know I'm 17, right?" Sanchez still wanted to continue talking to her, but stated that he "can't see [her] 'til [she's] 18." Showing far better presence under pressure than Sanchez has ever shown playing quarterback, Kruger then reminded the Sanchize that the age of consent in both New York and New Jersey is 17. Smooth.
Sanchez proceeded to court the young schoolgirl, inviting her to the season finale against the Bills, then taking her to dinner a week later. After dinner, Sanchez brought Kruger back to his place to fuck. No laws were broken, but the awkwardness Sanchez shows in big games makes a hell of a lot more sense in light of his continued pursuit of high school girls well into his 20s, which is a lot like leaving the difficulty on Madden set to "Easy" when you're repeatedly winning 70-0.
8. Pokey Pokes Her Players
Pokey Chatman, in addition to having an awesome name, was a wildly successful women's basketball coach at LSU. After taking the program over from a dying Sue Gunter, Chatman went 90-14, including Final Four berths her first two seasons. But before the 2007 NCAA Tournament, Chatman resigned amidst allegations that she had carried out affairs with multiple players during her coaching career. Despite her career winning percentage, Chatman was unable to find a coaching job in America for another three years. This entry gets major penalty points for being about women's basketball, but manages to make up almost all of them by involving lesbians. Everything is better with lesbians.
7. The Legend of Ron Mexico
Even before the dogfighting thing, Mike Vick was no stranger to scandal. In April of 2005, the then-Falcons quarterback was sued by an ex-hookup who alleged that Vick gave her herpes. The ensuing investigation revealed that Vick--or "Ron Mexico," the alias he used to get tested--did knowingly transmit herpes to the girl. Vick settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.
The real story comes after the story leaked, however: as, in a matter of hours, thousands of smart-ass fans across the nation ordered customized Falcons jerseys with the number 7 and the custom name "MEXICO" from the NFL Shop page. The league cancelled all the orders and banned the sale of any Ron Mexico jerseys, making any that happened to get made the greatest collectible of all time.
6. Eugene's Super Slip-Up
Let's say you have a buddy. Earlier tonight, that buddy was recognized for his "outstanding moral character" with an award. Let's say this buddy approaches you about celebrating his award with a couple of hooker blowjobs. Would you...
A. Remind your friend that the Irony Gods love situations exactly like this one?
B. Remind your friend that he is both married and a professional athlete, two statuses which come with a lifetime supply of blowjobs?
C. Remind your friend that he is supposed to play in the Super Bowl tomorrow, and that being arrested is literally the worst possible thing that can happen with the night?
D. All of the above?
5. The Lake Minnetonka Love Boat
So it's a few weeks into the season, and things haven't gone according to plan for the team. Time to get away for a vacation, reset everyone to "neutral," and attack the rest of the season. Sounds like a great idea, right? Minnesota Vikings fans back in 2005 must have thought so. That is, until details surfaced about what went down aboard the team cruise. Details, such as...
-Bryant McKinnie picking up a woman walking past him, setting her down on the bar, and beginning cunnilingus on her. All in one motion. As staff watched. A little-known fact is that McKinnie's 7-year, $48-million extension signed the following September was forced by a competing offer from Brazzers.
-Fred Smoot "was seen holding a double-headed dildo and moving the dildo while each end was inserted into the vagina of two women who were lying on the floor near the lounge area of the charter boat. After a period of time, one of the women got up and Mr. Smoot continued to manipulate the dildo inside the other woman." The preceding quote was taken verbatim from court documents related to the case. Just how the judge kept a straight face while reading that is beyond me.
-Daunte Culpepper and Moe Williams both got lap dances, and both were allegedly very handsy with the strippers in question.
-Mewelde Moore, Darren Sharper, Koren Robinson, and Jermaine Wiggins were also involved.
-Joe Johnstone and Smoot were the ringleaders, allegedly touring the boats in the days before. Johnstone's credit card was used to pay for the excursion.
-17 total players were involved, and the two-boat orgy allegedly had 90 people involved total, including girls and boat staff.
Smoot, McKinnie, and Williams ended up with convictions as a result of the nautical sex party, Culpepper was charged but the charges were later dropped. At the time of the party, the team was 1-4. After binging on strippers, the team went on a 7-1 run. The lesson here, as always? Nothing brings a team together like strippers.
4. Hail to the Victors? You Betcha!
Sarah Palin wasn't always a reality TV star and cable news pundit. Before that, she was a Republican nominee for Vice-President. And before that, she was the governor of Alaska. But even before all that, way back in 1987, Sarah's folksy demeanor and aw-shucks version of English were put to use as a sports reporter with an Anchorage news station. In this context, she covered a Division I tournament, in which the Michigan Wolverines were a participant. And, as a result, she had a one-night stand with then-Michigan guard Glen Rice, less than one year before eloping with husband Todd and turning into the hockey mom we all adore today. It might shock squeamish socially-conservative Palin fans in the nigra-hating Bible Belt to learn that Sarah once "had a fetish for black men," and "hauled Rose's ass down." All of this is being revealed in a new tell-all Palin biography, out Monday.
What's the best part here? You mean, other than Sarah Palin's black-dude fetish, or Sarah Palin transitioning from "NCAA groupie" to "all-American housewife" in a year? Imagining how awesome it must have been for Glen Rice to get a phone call from the book's author to validate the story, then learning that the random reporter skank you plowed up in Bumfuck, AK twenty-three years ago and quickly forgot about turned out to be a future Vice-Presidential nominee. On the sliding scale of ex-hookup results, Glen Rice is the end-point for "good." Early Vegas odds have Shawn Kemp as the favorite to be named for "bad." Stay tuned.
3. The Gold Club
The textbook "everything but the kitchen sink" scandal. This one had it all. A strip club with Mob ties, a historically packed cast list of celebrities, athletes, mafioso, strippers, and all-around scumbags. Sexual favors, shady doings, and even a guy named "Ziggy." In November 1999, Steve Kaplan was indicted on federal racketeering charges. Kaplan was the owner of the club, and the trial essentially accused him of taking over the Gold Club and turning it into a real-life version of the Bada Bing from The Sopranos--rampant drug use, lavish perks for high-profile clients, involvement from the Gambino crime family, and layers upon layers of fraud. Notable details include:
-Knicks guard Larry Johnson was Kaplan's first athlete-client. In 1994, Johnson fucked a Gold Club stripper under Kaplan's direction. No word on whether or not Larry made the stripper dress up like Grandmama.
-Later in '94, John Starks visited the club and took in a lesbian sex scene and fucked one of the strippers involved. Kaplan testified that he was surprised that a devout Christian and family man like Starks would do this.
-In 1997, Kaplan arranged a comfort mission to South Carolina, where the Knicks were playing an exhibition game. He paid six strippers $1,000 apiece to have sex with players. Later that year, former Gold Card exec Ziggy Sicignano testified about a night later that season, in which Patrick Ewing led some of his Knicks teammates to a private party in a back room at the Gold Club with six to ten strippers. An ex-gold club manager also testified that she walked in on Ewing getting a blowjob from a club employee. According to Ewing's testimony on the night, "the girls danced, started fondling me, I got aroused, they performed oral sex. I hung around a little bit and talked to them, then I left." If that's not a priceless senior quote, I don't know what is.
-In 1996, Andruw Jones took in a lesbian show of his own, then fucked one or both of the girls. Ziggy testified that Jones had sex with at least one of the girls. Jones testified that he had sex with both, following that up with "to tell you the truth, I wouldn't remember one of their faces right now." If that's not two priceless senior quotes in two paragraphs, I don't know what is.
-Dennis Rodman frequented the club quite often, engaging in at least one threesome with club employees. He was also good friends with Kaplan, and the two were often seen in public together. The lesson here, as always--when Dennis Rodman is making you a major part of his life, you are probably making a terrible decision unless Michael Jordan is also involved.
-Ziggy (by the way, this one gets major bonus points for prominently featuring a guy named "Ziggy") named Raptor Antonio Davis, who was married, as a client who had received sex at the club. When Davis denied the allegations and sued for defamation, Ziggy realized that he really meant teammate Dale Davis. Whoops.
None of the above are terribly illegal--I mean, Jones was 19 years old when he was most assuredly getting comped drinks during his live-lesbian-porn sesh, but that's hardly "drag in the federal prosecutors and keep a cell ready in lockup" territoroy. The problem was that Kaplan's business model involved raising the club's profile by providing favors to the famous, so they show up, then defrauding the shit out of the regular rich folk who come in. Eighteen claimants accused Kaplan of credit card fraud--and that's not even touching on how many victims just shut the hell up, rather than having their names dragged through a strip club indictment.
Kaplan relinquished ownership of the club, paid millions in fines, and served three years in jail. And Antonio Davis would get into trouble a few years later in which he stormed into the stands to break up a fight between a fan and his wife--and it was later revealed that it was his wife who was threatening to beat the living hell out of the man. So I'm sure that whole "I'm getting implicated in this strip club trial, but I'm totally innocent" thing went over real well for him at the time. Crazy women are well known for taking a "make 100% sure before you snap on him" approach when it comes to infidelity.
2. Kobe!
During the summer of 2003, Kobe Bryant was arrested after a 19-year-old hotel employee accused him of raping her. Bryant admitted to consensual sex with the woman, but denied raping her. Kobe would buy his wife the shiniest, most expensive apology in history just days later. The story permeated an entire NBA offseason, before the charges were eventually dropped, as the accuser showed up to a rape test with multiple samples of semen in her underwear (kind of a damning blow when your entire case is structured around "I didn't want it). Later stories suggest that the incident began consensually, but the girl was not an NBA groupie and objected to Kobe going for what is known in NBA circles as "The Trinity"--oral, then vaginal, then anal to finish. Just the thought of the look on David Stern's face as a slightly-terrified intern tries to explain The Trinity to him makes me smile.
1. Tiger on the Prowl
Shit, did this happen almost two years ago already? Last Thanksgiving, we found out that Tiger Woods had been involved in a car accident. Then "car accident" turned into "domestic dispute" and we were instantly captivated. Then it came to someone's attention that the National Enquirer had, less than a week earlier, outed Woods for an extramarital affair. The allegations were published without incident because, come on, it's the goddamn National Enquirer. Now we were hooked. Once a San Diego cocktail waitress came forward with a claim of a two-and-a-half year affair and a voice mail in which Tiger warns her that his wife is going through his phone. Within two weeks of the accident that started it all, more than two dozen women came forward admitting to affairs with Woods. Tiger was forced into a hiatus from golf, lost millions in sponsorship money, admitted to nailing over 120 women just over the course of his marriage, and his injury-plagued golf game has not recovered. Yet, at the same time, he was married to a Swedish nanny/supermodel, and averaging over twenty extracurricular vaginas a year during that marriage. Most men would gladly give up everything they own for that kind of life.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The Ten Most Lopsided Mid-Season Trades in Baseball History
If you're a Brewers fan, you were probably paying attention this week, as Prince Fielder carried the National League to victory in the pretty much meaningless All-Star Game. It's probably a little bit less likely you were paying attention as, just minutes after the game, the Brewers essentially stole Francisco Rodriguez from the Mets for two players to be named later--likely to be two long-shot prospects. It instantly legitmizes a bullpen that, other than John Axford, has been quite shaky. It also brings in a player with big-time postseason experience. All the Brewers have to do is keep him in a set-up role--a clause in his contract stipulates that he will be owed an additional $17 million if he finishes 21 more games.
While it's clear that this trade is quite one-sided--the Mets main victory in the trade is avoiding the $17 million paycheck at any cost--it will likely not even crack the Top 10 list of lopsided mid-season trades. Every year around this time, teams take inventory of who needs to add a player or two to make the push to the postseason, and who needs to get something, anything in return for a superstar who is going to depart anyway.
Sometimes the trade works out great for both sides. Two examples of this are often cited as bad trades, but they miss out Top 10 list.
1990: Red Sox send Jeff Bagwell to Astros for Larry Andersen
1987: Tigers send John Smoltz to Braves for Doyle Alexander
Bagwell and Smoltz both went on to Hall of Fame careers for their new teams. What's often forgotten is that Anderson and Alexander both did EXACTLY what their new teams wanted them to do. Andersen complied a 1.23 ERA for his partial season in Boston, shoring up their bullpen. Alexander was even more spectacular--posting a Sabathiaesque 9-0 record and 1.53 ERA down the stretch as the Tigers won their division. Because of this, I just can't include either trade on the list.
Sometimes a team has their back up against the wall. Their star player is eligible for free agency in the winter, and he has made no secret about his desire to leave whatever hellhole he's stuck in. Alternately, he might not be headed for free agency, but he's being paid a hell of a lot more than a losing team can afford to spend on any individual player, and by the time a contender could be built around him he'll either be too old or gone anyway. Might as well get something back in return, am I right? Oftentimes these trades are ripped after the fact, but the context is lost to history--hey, can't let a little thing like "reality" get in the way of ripping on the GM.
1993: Padres send Fred McGriff to the Braves for Vince Moore, Donnie Elliott, and Melvin Nieves
1995: Blue Jays send David Cone to the Yankees for Marty Janzen, Jason Jarvis, and Mike Gordon
1996: Brewers send Greg Vaughn to the Padres for Bryce Florie, Ron Villone, and Marc Newfield
In each case, the team in question had to move the guy, which put them at a great disadvantage. When everybody else knows you have to make a sale, they will lowball you to death. However, as we will see, plenty of teams have still engineered gamebreaker trades out of this situation--and the Padres, Jays, and Brewers got next to nothing in return for their stars.
1997: A's send Mark McGwire to the Cardinals for TJ Matthews, Eric Ludwick, and Blake Stein
1989: Rangers send Sammy Sosa, Wilson Alvarez and Darrin Fletcher to the White Sox for Harold Baines and Fred Manrique
These two trades are being kept off the list. Had McGwire and Sosa not pumped themselves full of ungodly amounts of artificial muscle, they would both look a hell of a lot better.
So now that we've taken care of the Honorable Mentions, let's get on to the main event.
10.
1996: Indians send Jeromy Burnitz to the Brewers for Kevin Seitzer
A month after whiffing on the Vaughn trade (still haunts me to this day--Marc Newfield?! Marc Newfield?!) the broken clock that was Sal Bando got the time correct for once. By '96, Seitzer was nothing more than a DH--and not even a particularly good one at that. He could still touch .300 with his batting average, but had never provided any kind of home run threat, and his speed had long since left him. In return, the Brewers got Burnitz--left as the odd man out in Cleveland's star-studded outfield, he turned into a legitimate star with the Brewers, though nobody outside of Milwaukee remembers it today.
9.
2000: Indians send David Justice to the Yankees for Jake Westbrook, Ricky Ledee, and Zach Day
Yikes. Justice turned into a monster for the Yankees down the stretch, and would end up being named the ALCS MVP that season. Westbrook developed into an injury-prone back-end starter, Day never pitched for the Indians and didn't pitch in the majors a whole ton for anybody else either, and Ledee would turn into a journeyman backup outfielder for over half a dozen teams, hitting a robust .243 for his career.
8.
2001: Pirates send Jason Schmidt and John Vander Wal to the Giants for Armando Rios and Ryan Vogelsong
Fact: We could easily make it to a respectable Top 10 list using only examples from the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Schmidt deal stands out as particularly putrid, however. He had reached double digit wins in 1997-99 with Gawd-awful Pirates teams, and was regarded as an elite pitcher stuck behind a team that would not help him win games. In return, the Pirates got Rios and Vogelsong--two notoriously injury-prone prospects who turned into notoriously injury-prone and ineffective major leaguers. It makes you wonder if Dave Littlefield bothered reading the scouting report on them, or just decided "Screw it--we'll roll the dice and see if these two guys work out!"
How did Schmidt do after leaving the baseball purgatory of Pittsburgh? He went 7-1 down the stretch in 2001, then ran off with the 2003 Cy Young award, compiling a 17-5 record with a league-best 2.34 ERA for the Giants. San Fran got 78 wins out of Schmidt. Pittsburgh got a Mitchell Report mention out of Rios.
7.
2007: Braves send Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Elvis Andrus, Neftali Feliz, and Matt Harrison to the Rangers for Mark Teixeira
Teixeira is a great player, don't get me wrong. Why do the Braves make the list for this then? Well, they paid a very princely sum for Tex--Feliz is an All-Star closer, Andrus is an All-Star shortstop at the tender age of 22, and Harrison is a steady back-end starter. Only Salty Balls didn't work out. And after that, the Braves kept Tex for only a year, trading him to the Angels next July for the craptastic Casey Kotchman and minor league pitcher Stephen Marek. I decided to include this trade on the list instead simply because the Braves gave up so fucking much for a player they weren't 100% sure they were going to be able to re-sign a year and a half later.
6.
1988: Yankees send Jay Buhner to the Mariners for Ken Phelps
This one gets bonus points for being immortalized by Seinfeld. Sorry I couldn't embed the video. But Frank speaks for pretty much every baseball fan--particularly Yankees fans--in regards to this trade. Phelps was 34 years old at the time and, as is often the case with players of his age, he hit the fan quickly--batting .240 with 17 home runs for the Yankees, who quietly dumped him off on Oakland a year later. Meanwhile, Buhner would go on to become best known as the bald-headed power threat who protected Ken Griffey Jr throughout most of his Seattle years. He would total 310 home runs in a Mariner uniform.
5.
1996: Mariners send Jason Varitek and Derek Lowe to the Red Sox for Heathcliff Slocumb
Like the Buhner trade for Seattle, only the exact opposite. I don't know what's the worst part about this deal. Is it the fact that Varitek and Lowe both played key parts in ending the Red Sox title drought? Is it the fact that Slocumb sucked something awful? Personally, I think it's the fact that the 2001 Mariners were arguably the greatest team assembled in recent memory--and instead of a young Varitek behind the plate, they were stuck with a rapidly-aging Dan Wilson.
Regardless, this one screwed the Mariners in every way imaginable. Slocumb spent a season and a half as the M's "closer," losing 9 games while converting only 13 save opportunities. Unsurprisingly, the Mariners had zero interest in re-signing him at this point. Meanwhile, Lowe had his ups and downs but his performance in the 2004 postseason helped carry Boston to the title. And while Varitek is most likely not a Hall of Famer, his name will never be forgotten by Sox fans.
4.
1964: Cubs send Lou Brock to the Cardinals for Ernie Broglio and Bobby Shantz
Yeah, we're going old school for this one. Brock turned into a Hall of Famer, one of the most threatening baserunners of his day, a man who once stole 118 bases in a season. But at the time, the Cubs were fighting for the playoffs, and--not a lot of people remember this--the deal was considered a steal for them. Broglio was a 21-game winning in 1960, and in '63 had won 18 and put up an ERA just below 3. He instantly collapsed into mediocrity upon joining Chicago, posting a mediocre 7-19 record and 5.29 ERA over his two-plus years with the team. This one is oftentimes cited as the worst trade of all-time. I give it a pass for just bad luck. Broglio was only 28 at the time--and the Cardinals got the break of all-time by dealing him just before his career nosedived.
3.
1977: The New York Mets "Midnight Massacre"
New York Mets send Tom Seaver to the Reds for Pat Zachry, Steve Henderson, Doug Flynn, and Dan Norman
New York Mets send Dave Kingman to the Padres for Paul Siebert and Bobby Valentine
Has any team ever seen such a dramatic, negative roster turnover in 24 hours? Seaver was a Hall of Famer, and Kingman was a talented, productive power hitter who history seems to forget--but who had put up 73 home runs in the past two seasons, and was the only offensive threat on an otherwise pedestrian Mets club. In return, the Mets got--nothing. Henderson would be swapped to return Kingman a few years later, Flynn was a standard good-field-no-hit middle infielder, Zachry provided one All-Star season before collapsing, and Norman struggled to maintain a major league job. Siebert and Valentine would both be out of baseball by the end of the decade.
Ownership had been locked in a dispute with Seaver over his contract all season, and New York Daily News columnist Dick Young ripped into Seaver all season. When Young eventually wrote that Seaver was being forced into asking for a raise because his wife was jealous of how much money Nolan Ryan was making in California, Seaver demanded to be traded. So you can't exactly give the Mets a break for being forced to trade Seaver--they brought it on themselves. And in renting out Kingman for three years, the Mets missed two of his most productive ones. Just a traumatic day all around.
2.
2002: The Montreal Expos send Lee Stevens, Brandon Phillips, Grady Sizemore, and Cliff Lee to the Cleveland Indians for Bartolo Colon and Tim Drew
I can actually smell this turd of a trade through my laptop screen. In 2002, the Expos were on life support--owned and operated by Major League Baseball until a suitable owner could be found. General manager Omar Minaya, then, was given extremely limited financial resources to work with. Colon would be re-traded for the much less attractive package of Rocky Biddle, Orlando Hernandez, and Jeff Liefer the next offseason.
Stevens was a replacement-level player much of his career, and he faded away shortly after the trade. But the other trio of players would combine for multiple All-Star appearances and Gold Glove awards, and (Cliff) Lee would end up adding a Cy Young Award to that resume. Meanwhile as Philips, Sizemore, and Lee enjoyed their respective primes in Somewhere That's Not Montreal Or Washington, the now-Nationals bottomed out and landed Stephen Strasburg. However, by that time, Minaya was long gone--and rightly so.
1.
2003: Pittsburgh Pirates send Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton to the Chicago Cubs for Matt Bruback, Jose Hernandez, and Bobby Hill
Protip: Any time you give up the best short-term rental (Lofton) and the best long-term prospect (Ramirez) involved in a deal, it's gonna end brutally. Ye gods, did this one end brutally.
Ramirez was only 25 years old at the time, and had blossomed into a streaky, but talented third baseman. Lofton was a few years from retirement, but still fleet-footed for his age and a good veteran lead-off hitter. Lofton led off for the Cubs as they came a Steve Bartman away from the World Series, and Ramirez is still their starting third baseman today--and one of the best veteran bats in the league. Bruback never made the major leagues, Hernandez's 2002 All-Star season in Milwaukee turned out to be a contract-year fluke, but his record-setting strikeout rate didn't. And Hill had been a prime second base prospect once upon a time, but he never reached his potential and by that point in his career he was not even performing at replacement level.
I'd like to imagine the deal also involved Cubs GM Jim Hendry and Littlefield also involved the hushing up of some lifeless hooker bodies that Hendry saw Littlefield moving. Otherwise, I see absolutely no other justification for it.
While it's clear that this trade is quite one-sided--the Mets main victory in the trade is avoiding the $17 million paycheck at any cost--it will likely not even crack the Top 10 list of lopsided mid-season trades. Every year around this time, teams take inventory of who needs to add a player or two to make the push to the postseason, and who needs to get something, anything in return for a superstar who is going to depart anyway.
Sometimes the trade works out great for both sides. Two examples of this are often cited as bad trades, but they miss out Top 10 list.
1990: Red Sox send Jeff Bagwell to Astros for Larry Andersen
1987: Tigers send John Smoltz to Braves for Doyle Alexander
Bagwell and Smoltz both went on to Hall of Fame careers for their new teams. What's often forgotten is that Anderson and Alexander both did EXACTLY what their new teams wanted them to do. Andersen complied a 1.23 ERA for his partial season in Boston, shoring up their bullpen. Alexander was even more spectacular--posting a Sabathiaesque 9-0 record and 1.53 ERA down the stretch as the Tigers won their division. Because of this, I just can't include either trade on the list.
Sometimes a team has their back up against the wall. Their star player is eligible for free agency in the winter, and he has made no secret about his desire to leave whatever hellhole he's stuck in. Alternately, he might not be headed for free agency, but he's being paid a hell of a lot more than a losing team can afford to spend on any individual player, and by the time a contender could be built around him he'll either be too old or gone anyway. Might as well get something back in return, am I right? Oftentimes these trades are ripped after the fact, but the context is lost to history--hey, can't let a little thing like "reality" get in the way of ripping on the GM.
1993: Padres send Fred McGriff to the Braves for Vince Moore, Donnie Elliott, and Melvin Nieves
1995: Blue Jays send David Cone to the Yankees for Marty Janzen, Jason Jarvis, and Mike Gordon
1996: Brewers send Greg Vaughn to the Padres for Bryce Florie, Ron Villone, and Marc Newfield
In each case, the team in question had to move the guy, which put them at a great disadvantage. When everybody else knows you have to make a sale, they will lowball you to death. However, as we will see, plenty of teams have still engineered gamebreaker trades out of this situation--and the Padres, Jays, and Brewers got next to nothing in return for their stars.
1997: A's send Mark McGwire to the Cardinals for TJ Matthews, Eric Ludwick, and Blake Stein
1989: Rangers send Sammy Sosa, Wilson Alvarez and Darrin Fletcher to the White Sox for Harold Baines and Fred Manrique
These two trades are being kept off the list. Had McGwire and Sosa not pumped themselves full of ungodly amounts of artificial muscle, they would both look a hell of a lot better.
So now that we've taken care of the Honorable Mentions, let's get on to the main event.
10.
1996: Indians send Jeromy Burnitz to the Brewers for Kevin Seitzer
A month after whiffing on the Vaughn trade (still haunts me to this day--Marc Newfield?! Marc Newfield?!) the broken clock that was Sal Bando got the time correct for once. By '96, Seitzer was nothing more than a DH--and not even a particularly good one at that. He could still touch .300 with his batting average, but had never provided any kind of home run threat, and his speed had long since left him. In return, the Brewers got Burnitz--left as the odd man out in Cleveland's star-studded outfield, he turned into a legitimate star with the Brewers, though nobody outside of Milwaukee remembers it today.
9.
2000: Indians send David Justice to the Yankees for Jake Westbrook, Ricky Ledee, and Zach Day
Yikes. Justice turned into a monster for the Yankees down the stretch, and would end up being named the ALCS MVP that season. Westbrook developed into an injury-prone back-end starter, Day never pitched for the Indians and didn't pitch in the majors a whole ton for anybody else either, and Ledee would turn into a journeyman backup outfielder for over half a dozen teams, hitting a robust .243 for his career.
8.
2001: Pirates send Jason Schmidt and John Vander Wal to the Giants for Armando Rios and Ryan Vogelsong
Fact: We could easily make it to a respectable Top 10 list using only examples from the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Schmidt deal stands out as particularly putrid, however. He had reached double digit wins in 1997-99 with Gawd-awful Pirates teams, and was regarded as an elite pitcher stuck behind a team that would not help him win games. In return, the Pirates got Rios and Vogelsong--two notoriously injury-prone prospects who turned into notoriously injury-prone and ineffective major leaguers. It makes you wonder if Dave Littlefield bothered reading the scouting report on them, or just decided "Screw it--we'll roll the dice and see if these two guys work out!"
How did Schmidt do after leaving the baseball purgatory of Pittsburgh? He went 7-1 down the stretch in 2001, then ran off with the 2003 Cy Young award, compiling a 17-5 record with a league-best 2.34 ERA for the Giants. San Fran got 78 wins out of Schmidt. Pittsburgh got a Mitchell Report mention out of Rios.
7.
2007: Braves send Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Elvis Andrus, Neftali Feliz, and Matt Harrison to the Rangers for Mark Teixeira
Teixeira is a great player, don't get me wrong. Why do the Braves make the list for this then? Well, they paid a very princely sum for Tex--Feliz is an All-Star closer, Andrus is an All-Star shortstop at the tender age of 22, and Harrison is a steady back-end starter. Only Salty Balls didn't work out. And after that, the Braves kept Tex for only a year, trading him to the Angels next July for the craptastic Casey Kotchman and minor league pitcher Stephen Marek. I decided to include this trade on the list instead simply because the Braves gave up so fucking much for a player they weren't 100% sure they were going to be able to re-sign a year and a half later.
6.
1988: Yankees send Jay Buhner to the Mariners for Ken Phelps
This one gets bonus points for being immortalized by Seinfeld. Sorry I couldn't embed the video. But Frank speaks for pretty much every baseball fan--particularly Yankees fans--in regards to this trade. Phelps was 34 years old at the time and, as is often the case with players of his age, he hit the fan quickly--batting .240 with 17 home runs for the Yankees, who quietly dumped him off on Oakland a year later. Meanwhile, Buhner would go on to become best known as the bald-headed power threat who protected Ken Griffey Jr throughout most of his Seattle years. He would total 310 home runs in a Mariner uniform.
5.
1996: Mariners send Jason Varitek and Derek Lowe to the Red Sox for Heathcliff Slocumb
Like the Buhner trade for Seattle, only the exact opposite. I don't know what's the worst part about this deal. Is it the fact that Varitek and Lowe both played key parts in ending the Red Sox title drought? Is it the fact that Slocumb sucked something awful? Personally, I think it's the fact that the 2001 Mariners were arguably the greatest team assembled in recent memory--and instead of a young Varitek behind the plate, they were stuck with a rapidly-aging Dan Wilson.
Regardless, this one screwed the Mariners in every way imaginable. Slocumb spent a season and a half as the M's "closer," losing 9 games while converting only 13 save opportunities. Unsurprisingly, the Mariners had zero interest in re-signing him at this point. Meanwhile, Lowe had his ups and downs but his performance in the 2004 postseason helped carry Boston to the title. And while Varitek is most likely not a Hall of Famer, his name will never be forgotten by Sox fans.
4.
1964: Cubs send Lou Brock to the Cardinals for Ernie Broglio and Bobby Shantz
Yeah, we're going old school for this one. Brock turned into a Hall of Famer, one of the most threatening baserunners of his day, a man who once stole 118 bases in a season. But at the time, the Cubs were fighting for the playoffs, and--not a lot of people remember this--the deal was considered a steal for them. Broglio was a 21-game winning in 1960, and in '63 had won 18 and put up an ERA just below 3. He instantly collapsed into mediocrity upon joining Chicago, posting a mediocre 7-19 record and 5.29 ERA over his two-plus years with the team. This one is oftentimes cited as the worst trade of all-time. I give it a pass for just bad luck. Broglio was only 28 at the time--and the Cardinals got the break of all-time by dealing him just before his career nosedived.
3.
1977: The New York Mets "Midnight Massacre"
New York Mets send Tom Seaver to the Reds for Pat Zachry, Steve Henderson, Doug Flynn, and Dan Norman
New York Mets send Dave Kingman to the Padres for Paul Siebert and Bobby Valentine
Has any team ever seen such a dramatic, negative roster turnover in 24 hours? Seaver was a Hall of Famer, and Kingman was a talented, productive power hitter who history seems to forget--but who had put up 73 home runs in the past two seasons, and was the only offensive threat on an otherwise pedestrian Mets club. In return, the Mets got--nothing. Henderson would be swapped to return Kingman a few years later, Flynn was a standard good-field-no-hit middle infielder, Zachry provided one All-Star season before collapsing, and Norman struggled to maintain a major league job. Siebert and Valentine would both be out of baseball by the end of the decade.
Ownership had been locked in a dispute with Seaver over his contract all season, and New York Daily News columnist Dick Young ripped into Seaver all season. When Young eventually wrote that Seaver was being forced into asking for a raise because his wife was jealous of how much money Nolan Ryan was making in California, Seaver demanded to be traded. So you can't exactly give the Mets a break for being forced to trade Seaver--they brought it on themselves. And in renting out Kingman for three years, the Mets missed two of his most productive ones. Just a traumatic day all around.
2.
2002: The Montreal Expos send Lee Stevens, Brandon Phillips, Grady Sizemore, and Cliff Lee to the Cleveland Indians for Bartolo Colon and Tim Drew
I can actually smell this turd of a trade through my laptop screen. In 2002, the Expos were on life support--owned and operated by Major League Baseball until a suitable owner could be found. General manager Omar Minaya, then, was given extremely limited financial resources to work with. Colon would be re-traded for the much less attractive package of Rocky Biddle, Orlando Hernandez, and Jeff Liefer the next offseason.
Stevens was a replacement-level player much of his career, and he faded away shortly after the trade. But the other trio of players would combine for multiple All-Star appearances and Gold Glove awards, and (Cliff) Lee would end up adding a Cy Young Award to that resume. Meanwhile as Philips, Sizemore, and Lee enjoyed their respective primes in Somewhere That's Not Montreal Or Washington, the now-Nationals bottomed out and landed Stephen Strasburg. However, by that time, Minaya was long gone--and rightly so.
1.
2003: Pittsburgh Pirates send Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton to the Chicago Cubs for Matt Bruback, Jose Hernandez, and Bobby Hill
Protip: Any time you give up the best short-term rental (Lofton) and the best long-term prospect (Ramirez) involved in a deal, it's gonna end brutally. Ye gods, did this one end brutally.
Ramirez was only 25 years old at the time, and had blossomed into a streaky, but talented third baseman. Lofton was a few years from retirement, but still fleet-footed for his age and a good veteran lead-off hitter. Lofton led off for the Cubs as they came a Steve Bartman away from the World Series, and Ramirez is still their starting third baseman today--and one of the best veteran bats in the league. Bruback never made the major leagues, Hernandez's 2002 All-Star season in Milwaukee turned out to be a contract-year fluke, but his record-setting strikeout rate didn't. And Hill had been a prime second base prospect once upon a time, but he never reached his potential and by that point in his career he was not even performing at replacement level.
I'd like to imagine the deal also involved Cubs GM Jim Hendry and Littlefield also involved the hushing up of some lifeless hooker bodies that Hendry saw Littlefield moving. Otherwise, I see absolutely no other justification for it.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Ten Sports Conspiracies That'll Make Ya Think
Secrets are fun, unless you're the one the secret is being kept from. People have a natural desire to uncover secrets--just ask Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods' wireless provider. The world around us is rife with conspiracy theories--some outlandish (Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets!), some thought-provoking (Hunter S. Thompson's "suicide" happened because he was about to out a major pedophilia ring in Washington DC), some proven fact (here's seven of them). And the world of sports is no different.
With that being said, I present for your consideration the following.
Honorable Mention
Dale Does Daytona
Background: During the 85th lap of the 2001 Daytona 500, racing legend Dale Earnhardt Sr. was killed in a crash on the final lap. All across the South, people took their dick out of their sister long enough to mourn like they had never mourned before. Five months later, the Pepsi 400 was the first race held at Daytona Motor Speedway since the fatal crash. The stage was set for a heartstring-tugging of epic proportions--a prime-time race, Dale Jr. trying to avenge his dad's death, Dale Jr. trying to win at Daytona for the first time, the first NASCAR race televised on NBC after the network just inked a lucrative deal. It seemed curious to observers that Dale Jr.'s car looked just a little more powerful out there on the track that day--which should've been impossible in a restrictor-plate race. In seventh place with six laps to go, Little E came out blazing, and finished the storybook script with a win. Everyone celebrated.
Where's The Evidence?: The financial motivation was there, as NBC had just signed NASCAR to it's most lucrative TV contract ever. The fan-base motivation was there as well--racing fans pretty much universally approved of the result. There's no reason to doubt it.
So, How Likely Was It?: Very. NASCAR is pretty much constantly under accusation of fixing races, and Tony Stewart even caused a controversy a few years ago by comparing the sport to professional wrestling. And why not? The two entities have pretty much got a duopoly on the trailer-park demographic.
Final Rating: 0/5 tinfoil football helmets. Disqualified on the basis that NASCAR isn't really a sport.
10.
Sha-Miracle on Ice
Background: Come on, do I really need to explain the Miracle on Ice to you? You know the story of the game. Let's just watch the final minute together.
Okay, now that we've all got goosebumps--what if the Soviets threw the game?
Yeah.
Tensions between the nations were at a peak in 1980, even by Cold War standards. Rumor had it that Jimmy Carter was planning a boycott of the Summer Games in Moscow in response to the Soviet Union's invasion of Afghanistan. So, the theory goes, the Soviets decided to throw the medal-round game, hoping to goad the Americans into attending their Games.
Where's The Evidence?: The Soviet hockey team was a fucking juggernaut. Less than a year ago they had won the Challenge Cup against a Canadian all-star team convincingly. Just two weeks earlier, the Americans had been pasted 10-3 in an exhibition matchup. In the round-robin, things went no differently--the Red Machine rolled over Japan, the Netherlands, Poland, Finland, and Canada by a combined score of 51-11. This was the Dream Team on steroids--which, knowing the Soviet athletic program at the time, is probably truer than you could imagine. Furthermore, after the 2-2 first period, Soviet coach Viktor Tikhonov inexplicably pulled Vladislav Tretiak--considered by many to be the best goalie in the world. His backup, Vladimir Myshkin, conceded two goals in the third period that probably could've been saved. And, with the game still hanging in the balance in the last few minutes, Tikhonov never once even attempted to pull his goalie.
So, How Likely Is It?: I wouldn't get my hopes up. The goalie switch has been criticized to all hell in the past thirty-plus years, but in Tikhonov's defense, Tretiak let in an easy goal just before the first break, and had not looked sharp in the first. It was a dumb decision, but he would hardly be the first coach to sabotage his team by overreacting to something. His failure to pull the goalie was a lot more damning, but still hardly conclusive. In 1980, the Olympic hockey competition did not have a tournament-style medal round. Rather, the two top teams from each round-robin group advanced to a "super group." The round-robin game against your group's co-qualifier counted again, and you played the other group's two qualifiers. The Americans came in having tied Sweden in their group, and the Soviets had beaten Finland by two goals. Had the Americans tied or lost to Finland, the Soviets still had a shot at the gold--and point differential was used as the tiebreaker.
That, and it was 1980, and we're talking about the Cold War. The Russkies wanted us at their Olympics, but they also prided themselves on hockey--losing to the Americans was just not acceptable.
Final Rating: 1/5 tinfoil football helmets. I just can't bring myself to believe that the Soviets would have staged a humiliating defeat, handing the driver's seat for the gold medal to the filthy capitalist pigs they hated so much.
9.
Lock Out Below!
Background: If you're a sports fan, you know all about the current NBA and NFL lockouts. The threat to our winter is very, very real. College basketball is great, but there's a massive sports hole that still looks as if it will need to be plugged in a few months. And where, we ask, is that plug coming from?
You answered hockey, didn't you? Clearly, you've paid no attention to how fervently ESPN works to ignore hockey. We're talking about financial matters here--the big players at play are ESPN and Nike. You know that soccer boom that's been predicted for decades in America? Well, if it's not going to happen organically we'll just force it.
Where's The Evidence? ESPN has become a big player in soccer in recent years. They broadcast international competitions, major European Champions League matches, and have even started carrying Premier League matches on Saturday mornings. Contrast this to their post-lockout hockey coverage, which pretty much consists of "Hey, there's this game thingy that some people play on ice! Now stay tuned for more discussion on LeBron James!"
But ESPN isn't the biggest benefactor to a soccer boom in America. Soccer is the number one sport in America. Played by children. This ceases to be once these children become teenagers. And since soccer is probably the most co-ed sport, Nike has twice the market to sell to.
So How Likely Is It? Far more likely in the case of the NFL than the NBA. The NBA lockout was clearly organic, and clearly necessary. The league is in financial disarray. Just ask the Maloofs. But the NFL lockout? This is the situation where the owners actually still have money, the players demands aren't outrageous, and the owners are still crying poverty. Could ESPN and Nike be pulling the strings?
I still don't think so.
Final Rating: 1.5/5 tinfoil football helmets. Gets a bonus half for precedent: Nike essentially paid Inter Milan's transfer fee for Cristiano Ronaldo to keep him from going to Real Madrid (and wearing Adidas gear).
8.
The Greatest Wager Ever Placed
Background: It's 1958. Football is still mired as baseball's little sister pastime, and the college game still eclipses the NFL in importance by quite a bit. But the NFL is about to break into the big time--television. For the first time, their championship game is going to be broadcast across the nation. The Baltimore Colts and New York Giants will play live across the country for the league's title.
Unlike many future championship games, this one lives up to the hype. A slow first quarter was marked by turnovers, and the benching of Giants' quarterback Don Heinrich. In the second, two Baltimore scores gave them a 14-3 halftime lead. Early in the third quarter, Baltimore threatened to break the game open. But New York stopped the Colts twice from their own one yard line, forcing a turnover on downs. The Giants took the ball down the field for a touchdown to cut the deficit to 4, then took the lead early in the 4th quarter. The game became the first overtime game in professional football history when the legendary Johnny Unitas engineered what some consider the greatest drive in football history--taking his Colts 73 yards into field goal range against one of the toughest defenses in NFL history for Steve Myhra to boot the game-tier as time expired. The Giants won the toss, and almost blew the game on the kickoff when Don Maynard fumbled it, but recovered. After a three-and-out, the Giants punted--and Unitas against led his team down the field into field goal range. However, rather than trying the kick, the offense stayed on the field--culminating in Alan Ameche's famous one-yard plunge for the game-winning score.
The game was watched by an estimated 45 million Americans, and signified the arrival of football on the major sports scene. Twelve Hall of Famers played in the game, and five others were involved as coaches or owners (the Giants staff included Vince Lombardi as offensive coordinator and Tom Landry as defensive coordinator).
Where's The Evidence? The question that has held for ages--why in the hell did the Colts not try for a field goal in overtime? They had possession at the 20. Unitas passed to the 8. Ameche ran for a yard, then Unitas again threw, getting them to the 1, where Ameche plugged it in. Curiously enough, the game had a four-point spread. As the theory goes, Baltimore owner Carrol Rosenbloom had placed a $1 million bet on his team. A field goal wins them the championship, but loses him some serious money.
So, How Likely Is It? Really, it's not all that unlikely. Despite what you might think from his game-tier with time running out, Myhra was not a good kicker. In fact, "not good" might be the understatement of the century. He was a putrid 4 for 10 on the season for field goals. His first attempt of the game, in the first quarter, came out low and was blocked. Early in the fourth, Baltimore actually used defensive back Bert Reichicar for a longer attempt (something they did fairly often--Reichicar specialized in long field goals for much of his career, and Myhra had a weak leg). Even Myhra's conversion had been a mishit kick that barely wobbled through the uprights. Coach Weeb Ewbank had no confidence in his kicker, and rightly so. Since it was 1958 and the 24-hour second-guessing machine that is today's sports media didn't exist yet, it was easy for Ewbank to trust his Hall of Fame quarterback and offense that had just sliced through the New York defense--twice--as opposed to his kicker who was presumably standing at the end of the bench, knees knocking together.
Final Rating: 1.5/5 tinfoil football helmets. Though I loove the idea of an owner placing a million-dollar bet on his own team, the fact remains that Steve Myhra would hold the title of "Kicker You Absolutely Don't Want Taking a Pressure Kick Under Any Circumstances" until Kyle Brotzman would yank it away 50 years later.
7.
Rigged Battle of the Sexes
Background: Women's tennis was rapidly growing in the 1970s. Bobby Riggs was a former #1-ranked player, now 55 years old and desperately hanging on. Riggs derided the women's game, claiming that even at 55 he could beat any of the best women's players. Billie Jean King initially declined the challenge, and Riggs played a three-set match against the world's #1 women's player, Margaret Court. Riggs smoked Court in straight sets, vaulting him back to fame. He issued another challenge to King, who this time accepted.
The match was nothing like the first. King played the aging Riggs to perfection, spreading her shots and eschewing her usual aggressive style, content to wear her opponent out. Riggs switched to a more aggressive style, but was still trounced in straight sets.
Where's The Evidence? How else could Riggs have been so successful against the top-ranked women's player of the time, then so futile against King? Almost instantly, it was theorized that Riggs had lost on purpose--it was clear to many onlookers that he had not played anywhere near his best game.
So, How Likely Is It? More likely than not. Riggs was notable as a shameless gambler. In 1939, Riggs made history by winning the Wimbledon triple (singles, doubles, mixed doubles). It was revealed in his autobiography that he had placed bets on himself to win all three titles, and got very rich off of the result. After retiring from the professional game in 1949, he was well known as a tennis and golf hustler--often handicapping himself to entice opponents into betting.
Riggs was a heavy underdog coming into the Battle, and the hype had ensured that a big payoff could be had. It would absolutely be in his character to take a dive--after all, the match was no more than an exhibition in the grand scheme of things.
Final Rating: 2/5 tinfoil football helmets. Yeah, there's probably a lot of truth to it. But it was an exhibition match, so who really cares?
6.
Sonny's Money
Background: Ali-Liston I (known at the time as Liston-Clay) was one of the most hyped title bouts in boxing history. Liston came in as a hated champion, known as a thug with not-so-hidden connections to organized crime. Clay was a brash 22-year-old who refused to shut up. Clay entered the match as a 7-to-1 betting underdog, but it was clear from the first round that this was a mistake. Clay's legendary combination of speed and strength blew Liston away and the champion refused to answer the seventh-round bell with a separated shoulder. Because of the unexpected end, the WBC ordered a rematch.
By this time, Clay had changed his name and converted to Islam. For licensing reasons, the fight had to be moved to Lewiston, Maine (rather than Boston, where it was supposed to be held). Early in the first round, Liston went to the canvas. Confusion reigned, as referee Jersey Joe Walcott attempted to send Ali to a neutral corner, but Ali refused, famously standing over Liston and yelling at him to "Get up and fight, sucker!" A ten-count was issued, and Ali was declared the winner.
Where's the Evidence? Liston was a feared fighter, and several challengers prefaced Ali-Liston I by stating that they would fight Ali if he won, but not Liston. Liston came from an abusive father, and was caught for robbery as a teenager. He spent 8 years in prison, where he learned to box. Though it hasn't been proven, it has been alleged that he also made Mafia connections while in prison. These connections are often cited as the main reason for Liston taking a dive--he owed money, and he bet against himself to cover this.
Another theory is that the Nation of Islam threatened to kill Liston if he won. Liston even supported this theory in a later interview with author Mark Kram--though it's impossible to tell if he was telling the truth or just covering for the fact that he got dropped on his ass within 30 seconds of the start of the match.
And if you're claiming that Liston wouldn't have dived that obviously, well, we're talking about a career boxer who also spent almost a decade in prison, after living in an abusive home. That's pretty much a three-act play of brain damage right there.
So, How Likely Is It? Liston's career record against fighters not named "Muhammad Ali" or "Cassius Clay" was 50-2. Ali was the greatest fighter of all time, but he was known as a great all-around fighter, not a brawler. The witnesses who didn't see the knockout punch don't help matters. Neither did Ali, who himself couldn't remember if he had hit Liston, a stiff breeze had knocked him over, or if he had just randomly dropped for 20 seconds of his own accord.
Final Rating: 2/5 tinfoil helmets. Conspiracies that are true, obviously, get some bonus. Conspiracies that are true in this transparent of a fashion, however, don't.
5.
I Swear I'm Clean, Babe!
Background: If you don't know who Babe Ruth is, please feel free to explain how in the hell natural selection hasn't taken you down yet. Even if you're not a baseball fan, you know the man who made the game a national obsession. His home run binges would foreshadow the great Mark McGwire/Sammy Sosa chase only, well, Babe was jucied up on good ol' American hot dogs and mugs of beer, rather than creepy syringes of Androstenedione and female fertility drugs.
What isn't mentioned in a lot of the historical glurge about Ruth is his love of the nightlife. Well, it's mentioned, but largely glossed over. The Babe loved to get drunk, and he loved to stick his dick in any vagina that would offer itself up. Despite being constantly drunk or hung over, Babe still dominated every offensive category year after year.
However, the Yankees broke from spring training in 1925 with their star player conspicuously absent. Ruth did not join the team until mid-May and, even when he was in the lineup, he was not the same player. He failed to hit .300 for the first time as a position player, failed to lead the league in home runs for the first time in his career, and drove in only 66 runs. The Yankees were secretive about what was keeping their star out of the lineup, continuously attributing it to a "stomachache." The team finished with a losing record for the only time in Ruth's career.
Where's The Evidence? It's located right here, homeboy. They may not have had advanced metrics in 1925, but that only allows us to measure what everybody knew at the time--the Babe wasn't the Babe that year. Take a look at the "Player value--Batting" chart on that page. For those unfamiliar, Wins Above Replacement refers to how many wins a team could expect that player to contribute above what a perfectly average player would at that position. Anything above 8 is considered really, really fucking good. Well, in the two years on either side of 1925 Ruth posted the following numbers: 12.8, 11.1, 11.5, 11.6. In 1925? A mere 2.2, barely rendering him "capable starter" status.
So what happened? The two most likely theories are alcohol poisoning and syphillis. Both theories fit.
So, How Likely Is It? Extremely. Ruth was a well-known philanderer (comparisons to Tiger Woods would actually be far more spot-on than you'd think), and he and his first wife separated, allegedly around 1926. And the Roaring Twenties were known for prohibition, but Ruth was known for his love of the drink. Poisoning from tainted liquor was common in Prohibition-times--kinda like how today you have really no concrete idea what's in those ecstasy pills. You might have been downing pure, Kentucky bourbon. Or, it might have been 10% bourbon, 5% gasoline, 85% water.
(The lesson here, as always? Fuck the temperance movement.)
Final Rating: 3/5 tinfoil football helmets. Though if this had happened in a different time period, we're looking at 10/5. Warrants mentioning.
4.
The NBWWF
Background: Curiously, all of our Top Four come out of the NBA. More specifically, the modern NBA. The Tim Donaghy scandal shook casual fans to their core, and caused those who had been paying attention to remark "wait, they only caught one ref for cheating?!" Only professional wrestling has a more visibly incompetent stable of officials. Dick Bavetta will never be able to live down his performance in Game Six of the 2002 Western Conference finals (in which Bavetta and Bob Delaney, outed by Donaghy as "company refs" who "acted in the best interest of the League" gave the Lakers 40 free throw attempts, including 27 in the fourth quarter. Joey Crawford has consistently antagonized Tim Duncan and the Spurs throughout his career--and whenever the league stands to benefit from the Spurs losing on the road in the playoffs, Crawford just happens to be slated to their game.
Where's The Evidence? The above-stated Kings-Lakers game deserves mention, as does the putrid 2006 Finals, in which Dwyane Wade's free-throw shooting essentially carried Miami to the title. Donaghy essentially confirmed every fan's suspicion in his testimony--singling out the Kings-Lakers game, but claiming that it was commonplace for "top executives of the NBA to manipulate games using referees."
How Likely Is It? Well, we know it WAS happening. Is it still happening? Considering the institutionalized nature of corruption according to Donaghy, and considering the fact that the NBA has not overhauled it's officiating crew, I'd say so.
Final Rating: 4/5 tinfoil football helmets. Donaghy is basically basketball's Jose Canseco at this point--he's entertaining, and I really think he's giving us a good inside look, but I just can't trust someone that shady.
3.
Jordan's Cross To Bear
Background: We've got the best baseball player of all time on the list (Ruth). We've got Unitas, Landry, and Lombardi. The Soviet Hockey Team. Greatness attracts controversy. And Michael Jordan was no different. In 1993, on the heels of his third consecutive championship season with the Bulls, controversy surfaced regarding Jordan's compulsive gambling. An investigation was launched. With the '94 season approaching, Jordan unexpectedly retired from the game.
Where's The Evidence? Jordan was still at the top of his game, having won three consecutive NBA titles, and anchored the Dream Team in the middle of it all. The "investigation" was dropped quietly and never really referenced again. Conspiracy #2 is also evidence here, though I don't want to get into that now. Some people claimed that they had won millions off of Jordan in bets. All of a sudden, an investigation is called, then ended months later inconclusively? With the best player in the world walking away from the game? More likely, David Stern wanted Jordan suspended, but neither Jordan nor Stern wanted to deal with the backlash that would come from this. So Jordan "retired" for a year and a half, then decided he wanted to play again.
So, How Likely Is It? Let me get it straight: the world's greatest basketball player, a man we know to be pathologically competitive almost to a fault, decides to walk away from the game at the pinnacle? Okay, I guess I could buy that. But he waited until the beginning of the next season to announce his retirement? Well, Brett Favre sure did stranger things than that. So he announces his retirement, to "spend more time with his family?" Followed by him spending seven months playing minor league baseball? And, in an interview, when asked if he would ever come back, slipping "If Stern will let me?"
Final Rating: 4.5/5 tinfoil football helmets. I sincerely hope that Jordan comes out with the truth on his deathbed someday.
2.
Jordan's Other Cross To Bear
Background: And you thought that losing a season and a half was the only Jordan gambling casualty...
On July 23, 1993, James Jordan, Michael's father, slept in his car at a rest stop on I95 while returning home from a funeral. While there, he was shot and killed in his sleep. Two teenagers, Daniel Green and Larry Demery, were convicted of the killing. Green denies it to this day, and believes he will walk free. At the time, the case was marred with conflicting accounts--as of last year, it has been reopened for investigation after a new report stated that mistakes may have been made.
Where's The Evidence? It's spotty at best here. The broken nature of the investigation is sketchy, as is the timing of the murder in relation to Jordan's first retirement. But that's the tricky part about this one--you can't prove it, but you really can't disprove it either. Jordan was known to be extremely close to his father, and was also known to be an extremely competitive, petty person. Even with his money, it's not out of the question that he bailed on a debt he felt was won unfairly--and bailed on the wrong person.
So, How Likely Is It? I honestly can't decide on this one. There seems to be no motive for James' killers. We know that Michael gambles compulsively, and it's definitely in the realm of possibilities. But at the same time, the theory came out right after the death, and was eventually largely forgotten. You make the call.
Final Rating: 4.5/5 tinfoil football helmets. Half a point knocked off for the utter lack of concrete evidence in any direction. No matter what you believe, you're basing it off your gut instinct.
1.
The Ewing Lottery
Background: 1985 was the first year that the NBA used the lottery system to determine draft order. All non-playoff teams had an equal shot at every pick under the first lottery. Your winners... the New York Knicks, ensuring that much-hyped center Patrick Ewing would spend his career in New York. Under the old coin flip system, he would've gone to either Indiana or Golden State.
Look at the lottery picks that year: Ewing, Wayman Tisdale, Benoit Benjamin, Xavier McDaniel, Jon Konchak, Joe Kleine, Chris Mullin. With the exception of Mullin, that is UGLY. The lottery was basically all-or-nothing, and it was not a well-kept secret that the league wanted Ewing in New York.
Where's The Evidence? My God, we even have video evidence on this one.
Watch as he throws the envelopes into the tumbler. Specifically, watch the fourth one--up until that point, he just drops them at the bottom. The fourth envelope is kinda mashed up against the side of the wall, creating a barely-visible crease. (Just enough of a crease to be easily grabbable out of the group--it has also been theorized that this envelope was frozen prior to the drawing, too, which would've also aided in the ease of its selection). Stern pretends not to look as he reaches in, grabs a stack of envelopes, turns them over, and picks the one now at the top. The frozen, creased envelope! And the first pick goes to... The New York Knicks!
So, How Likely Is It? Again, you tell me. The video evidence is there. Unfortunately for the Knicks, karma kicked them in the ass--while Ewing was one of the great players of his generation, he never developed into the champion that he was supposed to.
Final Rating: 5/5 tinfoil football helmets. Fixed outcomes, an all-or-nothing result, video evidence, David Stern--now THAT'S a sports conspiracy! It was even pulled off sneakily enough to inspire just a little bit of doubt.
With that being said, I present for your consideration the following.
Honorable Mention
Dale Does Daytona
Background: During the 85th lap of the 2001 Daytona 500, racing legend Dale Earnhardt Sr. was killed in a crash on the final lap. All across the South, people took their dick out of their sister long enough to mourn like they had never mourned before. Five months later, the Pepsi 400 was the first race held at Daytona Motor Speedway since the fatal crash. The stage was set for a heartstring-tugging of epic proportions--a prime-time race, Dale Jr. trying to avenge his dad's death, Dale Jr. trying to win at Daytona for the first time, the first NASCAR race televised on NBC after the network just inked a lucrative deal. It seemed curious to observers that Dale Jr.'s car looked just a little more powerful out there on the track that day--which should've been impossible in a restrictor-plate race. In seventh place with six laps to go, Little E came out blazing, and finished the storybook script with a win. Everyone celebrated.
Where's The Evidence?: The financial motivation was there, as NBC had just signed NASCAR to it's most lucrative TV contract ever. The fan-base motivation was there as well--racing fans pretty much universally approved of the result. There's no reason to doubt it.
So, How Likely Was It?: Very. NASCAR is pretty much constantly under accusation of fixing races, and Tony Stewart even caused a controversy a few years ago by comparing the sport to professional wrestling. And why not? The two entities have pretty much got a duopoly on the trailer-park demographic.
Final Rating: 0/5 tinfoil football helmets. Disqualified on the basis that NASCAR isn't really a sport.
10.
Sha-Miracle on Ice
Background: Come on, do I really need to explain the Miracle on Ice to you? You know the story of the game. Let's just watch the final minute together.
Okay, now that we've all got goosebumps--what if the Soviets threw the game?
Yeah.
Tensions between the nations were at a peak in 1980, even by Cold War standards. Rumor had it that Jimmy Carter was planning a boycott of the Summer Games in Moscow in response to the Soviet Union's invasion of Afghanistan. So, the theory goes, the Soviets decided to throw the medal-round game, hoping to goad the Americans into attending their Games.
Where's The Evidence?: The Soviet hockey team was a fucking juggernaut. Less than a year ago they had won the Challenge Cup against a Canadian all-star team convincingly. Just two weeks earlier, the Americans had been pasted 10-3 in an exhibition matchup. In the round-robin, things went no differently--the Red Machine rolled over Japan, the Netherlands, Poland, Finland, and Canada by a combined score of 51-11. This was the Dream Team on steroids--which, knowing the Soviet athletic program at the time, is probably truer than you could imagine. Furthermore, after the 2-2 first period, Soviet coach Viktor Tikhonov inexplicably pulled Vladislav Tretiak--considered by many to be the best goalie in the world. His backup, Vladimir Myshkin, conceded two goals in the third period that probably could've been saved. And, with the game still hanging in the balance in the last few minutes, Tikhonov never once even attempted to pull his goalie.
So, How Likely Is It?: I wouldn't get my hopes up. The goalie switch has been criticized to all hell in the past thirty-plus years, but in Tikhonov's defense, Tretiak let in an easy goal just before the first break, and had not looked sharp in the first. It was a dumb decision, but he would hardly be the first coach to sabotage his team by overreacting to something. His failure to pull the goalie was a lot more damning, but still hardly conclusive. In 1980, the Olympic hockey competition did not have a tournament-style medal round. Rather, the two top teams from each round-robin group advanced to a "super group." The round-robin game against your group's co-qualifier counted again, and you played the other group's two qualifiers. The Americans came in having tied Sweden in their group, and the Soviets had beaten Finland by two goals. Had the Americans tied or lost to Finland, the Soviets still had a shot at the gold--and point differential was used as the tiebreaker.
That, and it was 1980, and we're talking about the Cold War. The Russkies wanted us at their Olympics, but they also prided themselves on hockey--losing to the Americans was just not acceptable.
Final Rating: 1/5 tinfoil football helmets. I just can't bring myself to believe that the Soviets would have staged a humiliating defeat, handing the driver's seat for the gold medal to the filthy capitalist pigs they hated so much.
9.
Lock Out Below!
Background: If you're a sports fan, you know all about the current NBA and NFL lockouts. The threat to our winter is very, very real. College basketball is great, but there's a massive sports hole that still looks as if it will need to be plugged in a few months. And where, we ask, is that plug coming from?
You answered hockey, didn't you? Clearly, you've paid no attention to how fervently ESPN works to ignore hockey. We're talking about financial matters here--the big players at play are ESPN and Nike. You know that soccer boom that's been predicted for decades in America? Well, if it's not going to happen organically we'll just force it.
Where's The Evidence? ESPN has become a big player in soccer in recent years. They broadcast international competitions, major European Champions League matches, and have even started carrying Premier League matches on Saturday mornings. Contrast this to their post-lockout hockey coverage, which pretty much consists of "Hey, there's this game thingy that some people play on ice! Now stay tuned for more discussion on LeBron James!"
But ESPN isn't the biggest benefactor to a soccer boom in America. Soccer is the number one sport in America. Played by children. This ceases to be once these children become teenagers. And since soccer is probably the most co-ed sport, Nike has twice the market to sell to.
So How Likely Is It? Far more likely in the case of the NFL than the NBA. The NBA lockout was clearly organic, and clearly necessary. The league is in financial disarray. Just ask the Maloofs. But the NFL lockout? This is the situation where the owners actually still have money, the players demands aren't outrageous, and the owners are still crying poverty. Could ESPN and Nike be pulling the strings?
I still don't think so.
Final Rating: 1.5/5 tinfoil football helmets. Gets a bonus half for precedent: Nike essentially paid Inter Milan's transfer fee for Cristiano Ronaldo to keep him from going to Real Madrid (and wearing Adidas gear).
8.
The Greatest Wager Ever Placed
Background: It's 1958. Football is still mired as baseball's little sister pastime, and the college game still eclipses the NFL in importance by quite a bit. But the NFL is about to break into the big time--television. For the first time, their championship game is going to be broadcast across the nation. The Baltimore Colts and New York Giants will play live across the country for the league's title.
Unlike many future championship games, this one lives up to the hype. A slow first quarter was marked by turnovers, and the benching of Giants' quarterback Don Heinrich. In the second, two Baltimore scores gave them a 14-3 halftime lead. Early in the third quarter, Baltimore threatened to break the game open. But New York stopped the Colts twice from their own one yard line, forcing a turnover on downs. The Giants took the ball down the field for a touchdown to cut the deficit to 4, then took the lead early in the 4th quarter. The game became the first overtime game in professional football history when the legendary Johnny Unitas engineered what some consider the greatest drive in football history--taking his Colts 73 yards into field goal range against one of the toughest defenses in NFL history for Steve Myhra to boot the game-tier as time expired. The Giants won the toss, and almost blew the game on the kickoff when Don Maynard fumbled it, but recovered. After a three-and-out, the Giants punted--and Unitas against led his team down the field into field goal range. However, rather than trying the kick, the offense stayed on the field--culminating in Alan Ameche's famous one-yard plunge for the game-winning score.
The game was watched by an estimated 45 million Americans, and signified the arrival of football on the major sports scene. Twelve Hall of Famers played in the game, and five others were involved as coaches or owners (the Giants staff included Vince Lombardi as offensive coordinator and Tom Landry as defensive coordinator).
Where's The Evidence? The question that has held for ages--why in the hell did the Colts not try for a field goal in overtime? They had possession at the 20. Unitas passed to the 8. Ameche ran for a yard, then Unitas again threw, getting them to the 1, where Ameche plugged it in. Curiously enough, the game had a four-point spread. As the theory goes, Baltimore owner Carrol Rosenbloom had placed a $1 million bet on his team. A field goal wins them the championship, but loses him some serious money.
So, How Likely Is It? Really, it's not all that unlikely. Despite what you might think from his game-tier with time running out, Myhra was not a good kicker. In fact, "not good" might be the understatement of the century. He was a putrid 4 for 10 on the season for field goals. His first attempt of the game, in the first quarter, came out low and was blocked. Early in the fourth, Baltimore actually used defensive back Bert Reichicar for a longer attempt (something they did fairly often--Reichicar specialized in long field goals for much of his career, and Myhra had a weak leg). Even Myhra's conversion had been a mishit kick that barely wobbled through the uprights. Coach Weeb Ewbank had no confidence in his kicker, and rightly so. Since it was 1958 and the 24-hour second-guessing machine that is today's sports media didn't exist yet, it was easy for Ewbank to trust his Hall of Fame quarterback and offense that had just sliced through the New York defense--twice--as opposed to his kicker who was presumably standing at the end of the bench, knees knocking together.
Final Rating: 1.5/5 tinfoil football helmets. Though I loove the idea of an owner placing a million-dollar bet on his own team, the fact remains that Steve Myhra would hold the title of "Kicker You Absolutely Don't Want Taking a Pressure Kick Under Any Circumstances" until Kyle Brotzman would yank it away 50 years later.
7.
Rigged Battle of the Sexes
Background: Women's tennis was rapidly growing in the 1970s. Bobby Riggs was a former #1-ranked player, now 55 years old and desperately hanging on. Riggs derided the women's game, claiming that even at 55 he could beat any of the best women's players. Billie Jean King initially declined the challenge, and Riggs played a three-set match against the world's #1 women's player, Margaret Court. Riggs smoked Court in straight sets, vaulting him back to fame. He issued another challenge to King, who this time accepted.
The match was nothing like the first. King played the aging Riggs to perfection, spreading her shots and eschewing her usual aggressive style, content to wear her opponent out. Riggs switched to a more aggressive style, but was still trounced in straight sets.
Where's The Evidence? How else could Riggs have been so successful against the top-ranked women's player of the time, then so futile against King? Almost instantly, it was theorized that Riggs had lost on purpose--it was clear to many onlookers that he had not played anywhere near his best game.
So, How Likely Is It? More likely than not. Riggs was notable as a shameless gambler. In 1939, Riggs made history by winning the Wimbledon triple (singles, doubles, mixed doubles). It was revealed in his autobiography that he had placed bets on himself to win all three titles, and got very rich off of the result. After retiring from the professional game in 1949, he was well known as a tennis and golf hustler--often handicapping himself to entice opponents into betting.
Riggs was a heavy underdog coming into the Battle, and the hype had ensured that a big payoff could be had. It would absolutely be in his character to take a dive--after all, the match was no more than an exhibition in the grand scheme of things.
Final Rating: 2/5 tinfoil football helmets. Yeah, there's probably a lot of truth to it. But it was an exhibition match, so who really cares?
6.
Sonny's Money
Background: Ali-Liston I (known at the time as Liston-Clay) was one of the most hyped title bouts in boxing history. Liston came in as a hated champion, known as a thug with not-so-hidden connections to organized crime. Clay was a brash 22-year-old who refused to shut up. Clay entered the match as a 7-to-1 betting underdog, but it was clear from the first round that this was a mistake. Clay's legendary combination of speed and strength blew Liston away and the champion refused to answer the seventh-round bell with a separated shoulder. Because of the unexpected end, the WBC ordered a rematch.
By this time, Clay had changed his name and converted to Islam. For licensing reasons, the fight had to be moved to Lewiston, Maine (rather than Boston, where it was supposed to be held). Early in the first round, Liston went to the canvas. Confusion reigned, as referee Jersey Joe Walcott attempted to send Ali to a neutral corner, but Ali refused, famously standing over Liston and yelling at him to "Get up and fight, sucker!" A ten-count was issued, and Ali was declared the winner.
Where's the Evidence? Liston was a feared fighter, and several challengers prefaced Ali-Liston I by stating that they would fight Ali if he won, but not Liston. Liston came from an abusive father, and was caught for robbery as a teenager. He spent 8 years in prison, where he learned to box. Though it hasn't been proven, it has been alleged that he also made Mafia connections while in prison. These connections are often cited as the main reason for Liston taking a dive--he owed money, and he bet against himself to cover this.
Another theory is that the Nation of Islam threatened to kill Liston if he won. Liston even supported this theory in a later interview with author Mark Kram--though it's impossible to tell if he was telling the truth or just covering for the fact that he got dropped on his ass within 30 seconds of the start of the match.
And if you're claiming that Liston wouldn't have dived that obviously, well, we're talking about a career boxer who also spent almost a decade in prison, after living in an abusive home. That's pretty much a three-act play of brain damage right there.
So, How Likely Is It? Liston's career record against fighters not named "Muhammad Ali" or "Cassius Clay" was 50-2. Ali was the greatest fighter of all time, but he was known as a great all-around fighter, not a brawler. The witnesses who didn't see the knockout punch don't help matters. Neither did Ali, who himself couldn't remember if he had hit Liston, a stiff breeze had knocked him over, or if he had just randomly dropped for 20 seconds of his own accord.
Final Rating: 2/5 tinfoil helmets. Conspiracies that are true, obviously, get some bonus. Conspiracies that are true in this transparent of a fashion, however, don't.
5.
I Swear I'm Clean, Babe!
Background: If you don't know who Babe Ruth is, please feel free to explain how in the hell natural selection hasn't taken you down yet. Even if you're not a baseball fan, you know the man who made the game a national obsession. His home run binges would foreshadow the great Mark McGwire/Sammy Sosa chase only, well, Babe was jucied up on good ol' American hot dogs and mugs of beer, rather than creepy syringes of Androstenedione and female fertility drugs.
What isn't mentioned in a lot of the historical glurge about Ruth is his love of the nightlife. Well, it's mentioned, but largely glossed over. The Babe loved to get drunk, and he loved to stick his dick in any vagina that would offer itself up. Despite being constantly drunk or hung over, Babe still dominated every offensive category year after year.
However, the Yankees broke from spring training in 1925 with their star player conspicuously absent. Ruth did not join the team until mid-May and, even when he was in the lineup, he was not the same player. He failed to hit .300 for the first time as a position player, failed to lead the league in home runs for the first time in his career, and drove in only 66 runs. The Yankees were secretive about what was keeping their star out of the lineup, continuously attributing it to a "stomachache." The team finished with a losing record for the only time in Ruth's career.
Where's The Evidence? It's located right here, homeboy. They may not have had advanced metrics in 1925, but that only allows us to measure what everybody knew at the time--the Babe wasn't the Babe that year. Take a look at the "Player value--Batting" chart on that page. For those unfamiliar, Wins Above Replacement refers to how many wins a team could expect that player to contribute above what a perfectly average player would at that position. Anything above 8 is considered really, really fucking good. Well, in the two years on either side of 1925 Ruth posted the following numbers: 12.8, 11.1, 11.5, 11.6. In 1925? A mere 2.2, barely rendering him "capable starter" status.
So what happened? The two most likely theories are alcohol poisoning and syphillis. Both theories fit.
So, How Likely Is It? Extremely. Ruth was a well-known philanderer (comparisons to Tiger Woods would actually be far more spot-on than you'd think), and he and his first wife separated, allegedly around 1926. And the Roaring Twenties were known for prohibition, but Ruth was known for his love of the drink. Poisoning from tainted liquor was common in Prohibition-times--kinda like how today you have really no concrete idea what's in those ecstasy pills. You might have been downing pure, Kentucky bourbon. Or, it might have been 10% bourbon, 5% gasoline, 85% water.
(The lesson here, as always? Fuck the temperance movement.)
Final Rating: 3/5 tinfoil football helmets. Though if this had happened in a different time period, we're looking at 10/5. Warrants mentioning.
4.
The NBWWF
Background: Curiously, all of our Top Four come out of the NBA. More specifically, the modern NBA. The Tim Donaghy scandal shook casual fans to their core, and caused those who had been paying attention to remark "wait, they only caught one ref for cheating?!" Only professional wrestling has a more visibly incompetent stable of officials. Dick Bavetta will never be able to live down his performance in Game Six of the 2002 Western Conference finals (in which Bavetta and Bob Delaney, outed by Donaghy as "company refs" who "acted in the best interest of the League" gave the Lakers 40 free throw attempts, including 27 in the fourth quarter. Joey Crawford has consistently antagonized Tim Duncan and the Spurs throughout his career--and whenever the league stands to benefit from the Spurs losing on the road in the playoffs, Crawford just happens to be slated to their game.
Where's The Evidence? The above-stated Kings-Lakers game deserves mention, as does the putrid 2006 Finals, in which Dwyane Wade's free-throw shooting essentially carried Miami to the title. Donaghy essentially confirmed every fan's suspicion in his testimony--singling out the Kings-Lakers game, but claiming that it was commonplace for "top executives of the NBA to manipulate games using referees."
How Likely Is It? Well, we know it WAS happening. Is it still happening? Considering the institutionalized nature of corruption according to Donaghy, and considering the fact that the NBA has not overhauled it's officiating crew, I'd say so.
Final Rating: 4/5 tinfoil football helmets. Donaghy is basically basketball's Jose Canseco at this point--he's entertaining, and I really think he's giving us a good inside look, but I just can't trust someone that shady.
3.
Jordan's Cross To Bear
Background: We've got the best baseball player of all time on the list (Ruth). We've got Unitas, Landry, and Lombardi. The Soviet Hockey Team. Greatness attracts controversy. And Michael Jordan was no different. In 1993, on the heels of his third consecutive championship season with the Bulls, controversy surfaced regarding Jordan's compulsive gambling. An investigation was launched. With the '94 season approaching, Jordan unexpectedly retired from the game.
Where's The Evidence? Jordan was still at the top of his game, having won three consecutive NBA titles, and anchored the Dream Team in the middle of it all. The "investigation" was dropped quietly and never really referenced again. Conspiracy #2 is also evidence here, though I don't want to get into that now. Some people claimed that they had won millions off of Jordan in bets. All of a sudden, an investigation is called, then ended months later inconclusively? With the best player in the world walking away from the game? More likely, David Stern wanted Jordan suspended, but neither Jordan nor Stern wanted to deal with the backlash that would come from this. So Jordan "retired" for a year and a half, then decided he wanted to play again.
So, How Likely Is It? Let me get it straight: the world's greatest basketball player, a man we know to be pathologically competitive almost to a fault, decides to walk away from the game at the pinnacle? Okay, I guess I could buy that. But he waited until the beginning of the next season to announce his retirement? Well, Brett Favre sure did stranger things than that. So he announces his retirement, to "spend more time with his family?" Followed by him spending seven months playing minor league baseball? And, in an interview, when asked if he would ever come back, slipping "If Stern will let me?"
Final Rating: 4.5/5 tinfoil football helmets. I sincerely hope that Jordan comes out with the truth on his deathbed someday.
2.
Jordan's Other Cross To Bear
Background: And you thought that losing a season and a half was the only Jordan gambling casualty...
On July 23, 1993, James Jordan, Michael's father, slept in his car at a rest stop on I95 while returning home from a funeral. While there, he was shot and killed in his sleep. Two teenagers, Daniel Green and Larry Demery, were convicted of the killing. Green denies it to this day, and believes he will walk free. At the time, the case was marred with conflicting accounts--as of last year, it has been reopened for investigation after a new report stated that mistakes may have been made.
Where's The Evidence? It's spotty at best here. The broken nature of the investigation is sketchy, as is the timing of the murder in relation to Jordan's first retirement. But that's the tricky part about this one--you can't prove it, but you really can't disprove it either. Jordan was known to be extremely close to his father, and was also known to be an extremely competitive, petty person. Even with his money, it's not out of the question that he bailed on a debt he felt was won unfairly--and bailed on the wrong person.
So, How Likely Is It? I honestly can't decide on this one. There seems to be no motive for James' killers. We know that Michael gambles compulsively, and it's definitely in the realm of possibilities. But at the same time, the theory came out right after the death, and was eventually largely forgotten. You make the call.
Final Rating: 4.5/5 tinfoil football helmets. Half a point knocked off for the utter lack of concrete evidence in any direction. No matter what you believe, you're basing it off your gut instinct.
1.
The Ewing Lottery
Background: 1985 was the first year that the NBA used the lottery system to determine draft order. All non-playoff teams had an equal shot at every pick under the first lottery. Your winners... the New York Knicks, ensuring that much-hyped center Patrick Ewing would spend his career in New York. Under the old coin flip system, he would've gone to either Indiana or Golden State.
Look at the lottery picks that year: Ewing, Wayman Tisdale, Benoit Benjamin, Xavier McDaniel, Jon Konchak, Joe Kleine, Chris Mullin. With the exception of Mullin, that is UGLY. The lottery was basically all-or-nothing, and it was not a well-kept secret that the league wanted Ewing in New York.
Where's The Evidence? My God, we even have video evidence on this one.
Watch as he throws the envelopes into the tumbler. Specifically, watch the fourth one--up until that point, he just drops them at the bottom. The fourth envelope is kinda mashed up against the side of the wall, creating a barely-visible crease. (Just enough of a crease to be easily grabbable out of the group--it has also been theorized that this envelope was frozen prior to the drawing, too, which would've also aided in the ease of its selection). Stern pretends not to look as he reaches in, grabs a stack of envelopes, turns them over, and picks the one now at the top. The frozen, creased envelope! And the first pick goes to... The New York Knicks!
So, How Likely Is It? Again, you tell me. The video evidence is there. Unfortunately for the Knicks, karma kicked them in the ass--while Ewing was one of the great players of his generation, he never developed into the champion that he was supposed to.
Final Rating: 5/5 tinfoil football helmets. Fixed outcomes, an all-or-nothing result, video evidence, David Stern--now THAT'S a sports conspiracy! It was even pulled off sneakily enough to inspire just a little bit of doubt.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
