Believe it or not, I like Twitter. It's a good medium for my kind of thought process: cut to the snark, skip all the filler. Some people hate being limited to 140 words or less--considering that I am the type who tends to get bogged down in rambling, it forces me to get to the point.
(Additionally, Twitter allows you to post through text message, which is like crack to me. So you'll see a lot of those, whereas you'll usually only get one, maybe two posts on here a week. So it's got that going for it, too.)
Some of you have Twitter, in which case you have no excuse for not following me. There's a link to the right. I'll wait.
(Waiting...)
Ok. Good. But some of you don't. And so, here's a sample of what you're missing out on. Think of this as The Complete First Season--if you watched on TV it's not new, but it's still a fun little recap. And if you don't have cable, it's your chance to catch up. I'll do these occasionally.
-was very sure that David Stern would find some way to rig up at least one Game 7 in the conference finals. Apparently not.Shaq to the Cavs, in what might be the best "day late and a dollar short" deal in sports history. Should've done it back in February, guys.Bigger choke: USA blows 2-0 halftime lead or NYY blows 3-0 series lead?just saw someone wearing a trash bag... I LOVE the chicago ghettoDoesn't this commercial pretty much explain the entire Steroids Era? http://bit.ly/15jGS6 #fucktilatequila. Lying bitch. Attention whore. Go die in a fire.Jake Delhomme's career is so done if you look close enough you can see a fork sticking out his backCongrats on your new franchise QB, Bears fans! Once he figures out which jerseys he's supposed to be throwing to, you're set!Quote of the Week: "Michael Vick remains ineligible, so Kevin Kolb would Plan B. Because there are no remaining Detmers."--Andy BehrensMy professor just used the word "Christmahannukwanzaka." On the "Signs it's gonna be a long semester" list, that has to rank in the top 10.That loud crashing sound you heard was the Matt Barkley bandwagon careening into a lightpole.Essay question of the week: Which has more holes--a cheesehead hat, GB's punt coverage team, or GB's offensive line? Discuss.-Sign of the economic times--Neil Patrick Harris hosting the Emmys. I can't believe he was available.
-Two quizzes on a Friday morning. There should be a law against things like thisSpeaking as someone with no love or hate for Michigan, Tate Forcier might be the most clutch QB in recent memoryDear ESPN: Please stop trying to force your NASCAR coverage down our throats. I do not care about about Denny Hamlin's love for Virgia Tech. Just go away ...
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe presents The Your Name Here NFL Power Rankings: Week 3 Edition (Part II)
Back like I forgot somethin'--and I did: 14 whole teams. The 14 best teams, actually.
The Flawed Contenders
14. Chicago
Their defense is walking on eggshells without Urlacher. They were outplayed across the board by Seattle--more yards, more first downs, same turnovers, TOP within a minute. A week earlier, they survived merely because of two Jeff Reed field goals. Suffice to say I'm not impressed. Matt Forte has led them in rushing each of the three weeks--55, 29, and 66 yards. Dismal.
13. New England
Tom Brady is still in his "Ricky Bobby after the flaming wreck where he's scared to go faster than 26 MPH" phase. All of New England is waiting for him to shift out of third gear. In the meantime, their defense is average, their rushing attack is mediocre, and their coach is 57 years old. It doesn't bode well. '07 was supposed to be the crowning year of the Pats dynasty--only it didn't happen that way. Now? I don't see it getting back to that level anytime soon.
12. Dallas
Completely screwed because Tony Romo is Karl Malone in a football helmet. New rule: in order to be considered a truly elite players, you must learn to control the yips in big games. Peyton Manning was like this early in his career, too, and he has become the best assassin in the league. So there's hope. But I'll have to see it before I can trust Romo.
Also, they are still coached by Wade Phillips. I would be 250% more confident in their chances if he wasn't prominently involved. Between him and Romo, I simply can't trust them in big-time close games. It counts for a lot.
11. Green Bay
The downside is they can't block anyone and if they can't get pressure and force turnovers they are going to get blasted in the face to the tune of 30+ points. The upside is they have arguably the best receiving corps in the league, a young, big-time QB, and when the defense CAN get pressure and force turnovers they are among the best in the league. They can beat anyone in the league, but they can also lose to anyone. If you are a football gambler, the Packers scare the living shit out of you, and rightfully so.
That being said, they are 2-1, and their only loss came to a team who it now seems is far better than originally thought. So let's not be too harsh just yet.
The Dark Horses
10. San Diego
There is nothing really wrong with this team, other than the fact that their coach is Norv Turner. They're a top 5 team with a anyone competent at the helm, easily. Dallas is close, too. The upside to this? Come playoff time, you have the opportunity to bet against these coaches. You know, if gambling were legal.
9. Atlanta
Let the record show that I approve. I love Matt Ryan, I love Michael Turner, I love three more games against Jake Delhomme or Whoever The Hell Is Replacing Byron Leftwich. They still manage to schedule a ton of tough teams, however: after this week's bye, it's San Fran, Chicago, Dallas, New Orleans. Gut check time. Five weeks from now, they'll either be in the top four or around 15-ish.
The Winston Wolf Memorial "Let's Not Start Sucking Each Other's Dicks Yet" Division
8. NY Jets
Let's get it out of the way: they are for real. Sanchez is playing at a pro level. The defense is a lot better than people give them credit for. This is a playoff team. They're not the world-beaters that a lot of the media are making them out to be, though--Sanchez still hasn't played a tough game against a hostile crowd, they have no rushing game (but most of the league seems to fall in that category so far), and Chansi Stuckey should not be starting for a contender, period. That being said, in this putrid season, they're going to be playing in January. Just probably not deep into January.
7. Minnesota
Great. Another week of the media fellating Brett Favre. They were supposed to start 3-0 against their schedule. Tough to place them because they've played two teams from the Bradford division, and San Fran played them VERY tough. Are the Niners better than we thought, or are the Vikings worse? We find out this week.
The McLovin Memorial "Who The Fuck Invited These Guys To The Party?" Division
6. Cincinnati
Yes, you're reading this right. They're the luckiest play this side of the Immaculate Reception away from being 3-0. They just hung up 14 4th-quarter points to come back and stun the defending Super Bowl champs. A week before that, they throttled the Packers in Green Bay. Believe. The defense is better than it was a year ago--that's average, at best, but it's good enough in this league. Carson Palmer is healthy again, and it's easy to forget how consistent he is. And Cedric Benson is either taking HGH or is actually able to play away from the pressure of being the Bears' savior at running back. He hasn't looked this good since college. And the Bengals haven't looked this good, well, ever.
5. Denver
Through three games, they've allowed 16 points. They've got the Cowboys, Patriots and Chargers in a row coming up. They didn't let the Bradford Division play with them. Now can they keep it up against real competition?
The Old Reliables
4. NY Giants
3. Indianapolis
Remarkably similar teams. A proven quarterback named Manning. A good, but not outstanding, rushing attack. Unproven receiver corps. Proven offensive lines. Indy's defense is a little bit better, they have the better Manning, and they have one proven WR, where as NY is starting fresh this year. So they get the nod for #3 this week.
The Emerging Dynasty
2. Baltimore
The Ravens are going to go down as the team of the early part of the '10s--kinda like the Rams were in the '00s, the Cowboys in the '90s, etc. Mark my words. They've had one of the top defenses in the league for almost a decade running. And they have easily the best young crop of offensive talent in the league. Joe Flacco is for real. Ray Rice is electric. Michael Clayton is ready to be the Holt to Flacco's Warner. That's the long-term nucleus in Baltimore. In the meantime, Willis McGahee is a stud, as well. The defense doesn't dominate quite like it used to, but they're putting up points in bunches.
The Creme De La Creme
1. New Orleans
If Baltimore owns the early part of the next decade, the Saints own this year. They stick to my NFL Mediocrity Theory--in a year in which the entire league seems mediocre, take the team who does one thing very well, better than anybody else in the league, to win it all. Last year, I said it was basically a toss-up between Tennessee and Pittsburgh--two methodical offenses who survived because their defenses were just stifling. And Pittsburgh won. In 2001, Baltimore won with Trent Dilfer--Trent Dilfer!--as their quarterback, simply because their defense was better than anything anyone else could throw at them. Ditto for the Buccaneers in 2003. And the Rams in 2000, whose offense was just unstoppable.
The result of the salary cap and the heavy push towards parity in the NFL is that, fairly frequently, you get a league full of teams ranging from "putrid" to "good." It's not hard to be putrid if you're too stupid to know what you're doing (see Millen, Matt). It's VERY, VERY hard in the current NFL to be any better than "good" for an extended period of time. As a result, you see seasons like this one, in which there is no marquee team. Let's break it down:
New Orleans--can't play defense
Baltimore--too inexperienced, defense is aging
Indianapolis--suspect defense, inexperienced WRs, no depth
NY Giants--Manning is the only skill guy on offense I'd put above "role player"
Denver--quarterbacked by Kyle Orton and his "Hand That Rocks The Cradle" beard, head coach is 33 years old
Cincinnati--they're the fucking Bengals, do I need to go into specifics about why you should doubt them?
Minnesota--QB is 40 and interception-prone, WRs are inexperienced, average defense
NY Jets--rookie QB (never a good sign for a playoff run), no dominant rushing attack to take the focus off of said rookie QB
Atlanta--too inexperienced
San Diego--coached by Norv Turner
Green Bay--can't block anyone, defense is inconsistent
Dallas--QB disappears in the clutch, coached by Wade Phillips
New England--QB coming off of major knee surgery, defense is not as good as you think it is, zero rushing game
Chicago--no WRs, defensive captain is on IR
That's my top 14, and if you read just that list, it might as well be my bottom 14. There is no clear-cut favorite this year. Which is why I looooove me some Saints.
Before you bash me for anointing them Super Bowl champions already, answer me this: who is going to stop them? There is not a defense in the league that can keep Drew Brees in check. With the way he's spreading the ball around, you can't key on any one receiver. And you still have to account for Reggie Bush after that. They're the early-decade Rams. They look unstoppable. So might as well go with it.
The Flawed Contenders
14. Chicago
Their defense is walking on eggshells without Urlacher. They were outplayed across the board by Seattle--more yards, more first downs, same turnovers, TOP within a minute. A week earlier, they survived merely because of two Jeff Reed field goals. Suffice to say I'm not impressed. Matt Forte has led them in rushing each of the three weeks--55, 29, and 66 yards. Dismal.
13. New England
Tom Brady is still in his "Ricky Bobby after the flaming wreck where he's scared to go faster than 26 MPH" phase. All of New England is waiting for him to shift out of third gear. In the meantime, their defense is average, their rushing attack is mediocre, and their coach is 57 years old. It doesn't bode well. '07 was supposed to be the crowning year of the Pats dynasty--only it didn't happen that way. Now? I don't see it getting back to that level anytime soon.
12. Dallas
Completely screwed because Tony Romo is Karl Malone in a football helmet. New rule: in order to be considered a truly elite players, you must learn to control the yips in big games. Peyton Manning was like this early in his career, too, and he has become the best assassin in the league. So there's hope. But I'll have to see it before I can trust Romo.
Also, they are still coached by Wade Phillips. I would be 250% more confident in their chances if he wasn't prominently involved. Between him and Romo, I simply can't trust them in big-time close games. It counts for a lot.
11. Green Bay
The downside is they can't block anyone and if they can't get pressure and force turnovers they are going to get blasted in the face to the tune of 30+ points. The upside is they have arguably the best receiving corps in the league, a young, big-time QB, and when the defense CAN get pressure and force turnovers they are among the best in the league. They can beat anyone in the league, but they can also lose to anyone. If you are a football gambler, the Packers scare the living shit out of you, and rightfully so.
That being said, they are 2-1, and their only loss came to a team who it now seems is far better than originally thought. So let's not be too harsh just yet.
The Dark Horses
10. San Diego
There is nothing really wrong with this team, other than the fact that their coach is Norv Turner. They're a top 5 team with a anyone competent at the helm, easily. Dallas is close, too. The upside to this? Come playoff time, you have the opportunity to bet against these coaches. You know, if gambling were legal.
9. Atlanta
Let the record show that I approve. I love Matt Ryan, I love Michael Turner, I love three more games against Jake Delhomme or Whoever The Hell Is Replacing Byron Leftwich. They still manage to schedule a ton of tough teams, however: after this week's bye, it's San Fran, Chicago, Dallas, New Orleans. Gut check time. Five weeks from now, they'll either be in the top four or around 15-ish.
The Winston Wolf Memorial "Let's Not Start Sucking Each Other's Dicks Yet" Division
8. NY Jets
Let's get it out of the way: they are for real. Sanchez is playing at a pro level. The defense is a lot better than people give them credit for. This is a playoff team. They're not the world-beaters that a lot of the media are making them out to be, though--Sanchez still hasn't played a tough game against a hostile crowd, they have no rushing game (but most of the league seems to fall in that category so far), and Chansi Stuckey should not be starting for a contender, period. That being said, in this putrid season, they're going to be playing in January. Just probably not deep into January.
7. Minnesota
Great. Another week of the media fellating Brett Favre. They were supposed to start 3-0 against their schedule. Tough to place them because they've played two teams from the Bradford division, and San Fran played them VERY tough. Are the Niners better than we thought, or are the Vikings worse? We find out this week.
The McLovin Memorial "Who The Fuck Invited These Guys To The Party?" Division
6. Cincinnati
Yes, you're reading this right. They're the luckiest play this side of the Immaculate Reception away from being 3-0. They just hung up 14 4th-quarter points to come back and stun the defending Super Bowl champs. A week before that, they throttled the Packers in Green Bay. Believe. The defense is better than it was a year ago--that's average, at best, but it's good enough in this league. Carson Palmer is healthy again, and it's easy to forget how consistent he is. And Cedric Benson is either taking HGH or is actually able to play away from the pressure of being the Bears' savior at running back. He hasn't looked this good since college. And the Bengals haven't looked this good, well, ever.
5. Denver
Through three games, they've allowed 16 points. They've got the Cowboys, Patriots and Chargers in a row coming up. They didn't let the Bradford Division play with them. Now can they keep it up against real competition?
The Old Reliables
4. NY Giants
3. Indianapolis
Remarkably similar teams. A proven quarterback named Manning. A good, but not outstanding, rushing attack. Unproven receiver corps. Proven offensive lines. Indy's defense is a little bit better, they have the better Manning, and they have one proven WR, where as NY is starting fresh this year. So they get the nod for #3 this week.
The Emerging Dynasty
2. Baltimore
The Ravens are going to go down as the team of the early part of the '10s--kinda like the Rams were in the '00s, the Cowboys in the '90s, etc. Mark my words. They've had one of the top defenses in the league for almost a decade running. And they have easily the best young crop of offensive talent in the league. Joe Flacco is for real. Ray Rice is electric. Michael Clayton is ready to be the Holt to Flacco's Warner. That's the long-term nucleus in Baltimore. In the meantime, Willis McGahee is a stud, as well. The defense doesn't dominate quite like it used to, but they're putting up points in bunches.
The Creme De La Creme
1. New Orleans
If Baltimore owns the early part of the next decade, the Saints own this year. They stick to my NFL Mediocrity Theory--in a year in which the entire league seems mediocre, take the team who does one thing very well, better than anybody else in the league, to win it all. Last year, I said it was basically a toss-up between Tennessee and Pittsburgh--two methodical offenses who survived because their defenses were just stifling. And Pittsburgh won. In 2001, Baltimore won with Trent Dilfer--Trent Dilfer!--as their quarterback, simply because their defense was better than anything anyone else could throw at them. Ditto for the Buccaneers in 2003. And the Rams in 2000, whose offense was just unstoppable.
The result of the salary cap and the heavy push towards parity in the NFL is that, fairly frequently, you get a league full of teams ranging from "putrid" to "good." It's not hard to be putrid if you're too stupid to know what you're doing (see Millen, Matt). It's VERY, VERY hard in the current NFL to be any better than "good" for an extended period of time. As a result, you see seasons like this one, in which there is no marquee team. Let's break it down:
New Orleans--can't play defense
Baltimore--too inexperienced, defense is aging
Indianapolis--suspect defense, inexperienced WRs, no depth
NY Giants--Manning is the only skill guy on offense I'd put above "role player"
Denver--quarterbacked by Kyle Orton and his "Hand That Rocks The Cradle" beard, head coach is 33 years old
Cincinnati--they're the fucking Bengals, do I need to go into specifics about why you should doubt them?
Minnesota--QB is 40 and interception-prone, WRs are inexperienced, average defense
NY Jets--rookie QB (never a good sign for a playoff run), no dominant rushing attack to take the focus off of said rookie QB
Atlanta--too inexperienced
San Diego--coached by Norv Turner
Green Bay--can't block anyone, defense is inconsistent
Dallas--QB disappears in the clutch, coached by Wade Phillips
New England--QB coming off of major knee surgery, defense is not as good as you think it is, zero rushing game
Chicago--no WRs, defensive captain is on IR
That's my top 14, and if you read just that list, it might as well be my bottom 14. There is no clear-cut favorite this year. Which is why I looooove me some Saints.
Before you bash me for anointing them Super Bowl champions already, answer me this: who is going to stop them? There is not a defense in the league that can keep Drew Brees in check. With the way he's spreading the ball around, you can't key on any one receiver. And you still have to account for Reggie Bush after that. They're the early-decade Rams. They look unstoppable. So might as well go with it.
Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe presents The Your Name Here NFL Power Rankings: Week 3 Edition (Part I)
Another great weekend of football, and I felt like this needed to be done. As always, these are one man's opinion: if you disagree, feel free to tell me why.
The Sam Bradford Sweepstakes
32. Cleveland
If you replace one proven shitty QB with another proven shitty QB, does it make a sound? Not a great showing for the city of Cleveland. The Browns blew (as usual) this weekend, the Indians are long out of contention, and The Cleveland Show was as bad, if not worse, than the Browns. Hey, at least you're not Detroit. Though this weekend, that might not be the badge of honor it once was.
31. Kansas City
Just goes to show you... when your starting QB has started a total of 15 games in the past 8 years, your head coach has never been a head coach at any level, and your offensive coordinator was literally hired less than a week before the season started--well, that doesn't bode well in any way. Hey, remember when Larry Johnson was a game-changing back?
30. Tampa Bay
Thanks for playing, Byron Leftwich. Stop by on your way out and help yourself to one of our fabulous prizes. Just make sure to pull the giant fork out of your back first, lest you get stuck in the doorway. Hey, remember when the Tampa defense could actually stop people?
(I'm getting mean. Sorry, KC and TB fans. I'll stop.)
29. Oakland
Jamarcus Russell is bad. I mean really, really bad. He's a surefire guarantee for the inaugural class of the Ahmad Carroll All-Stars. As long as he's on the field, Oakland has a shot at 1-15 this year.
(Seriously, you don't believe me? Take a look at the NFL leaders for passer rating. Russell is .2 points better than he would be if he simply dropped back and threw the ball into the ground on every play.)
28. Miami
When Davone Bess is starting at WR for your team, well, Davone Bess is starting at WR for your team. On one hand, they've played three contenders so far, and looked good against two of them. On the other hand, Chad Henne figures to be in the picture for the duration. And they're still 3 games in the hole.
27. Carolina
Remember those passer rating rankings? Jake Delhomme is very much comparable to Russell. Yeah, they're not getting back to the playoffs.
On Life Support
26. St. Louis
They get a bump out of the Bradford division as a reward for looking mildly frisky against the Packers. Amazingly enough, Kyle Boller looked--dare I say it--competent. I never thought I'd see the day. On the strength of that, they get saved from the bottom division. However, they managed to make the Packer offensive line look fantastic (!) after the first two weeks were the exact opposite. So it's not like they're going to be stopping anyone anytime soon. And they are riding a 13-game losing streak.
25. Detroit
Once again, Washington bails out Detroit.
(Thank you, thank you. I'm here all night.)
Shaky At Best
24. Washington
Clinton Portis has quietly failed to reach 80 yards rushing in a game yet this year. If you drafted him for your fantasy team this year, go ahead and bang your head against a wall. It's ok, I'll wait.
(Waiting...)
Okay, much better, right? Washington's schedule, Weeks 2-6 inclusive: St. Louis, Detroit, Tampa Bay, Carolina, Kansas City. All that's missing is St. Mary's School For The Blind.
23. Buffalo
On the bright side, they held New Orleans to 27 points. On the brighter side, Miami and Cleveland are the next two opponents. On a gloomier front, I saw Terrell Owens's face on the side of a milk carton at lunch today. Money well spent, Buffalo.
22. Seattle
This week, the Seneca Wallace Gambling Profit Train makes a stop in Indianapolis. Quick guess: which quarterback is going to look competent, and which one is going to be suffering from a chronic case of Deer-In-The-Headlightis, Peyton Manning or Seneca Wallace?
The Sky Is Falling
21. Tennessee
Now, we're getting into "Good teams who have been really, really crappy thus far." Three losses by a combined 13 points. Things will get better. Maybe not division championship better, but this is not an 0-3 team.
20. Jacksonville
Welcome to Game 20 of the "We've Officially Quit on Jack Del Rio" era! Exciting times! Unrelated, but David Garrard is 31 years old. He doesn't have potential left. For some reason, everyone seems to think he's 26 and will keep getting better. What you see is what you get.
19. Arizona
Leading rushers for Arizona in their Week 1 and 3 losses: Wells, 29; Hightower; 22. Is this something that might become an issue long-term? I think so.
On The Fringe
18. San Francisco
Shaun Hill officially looks good. And they're a lucky Brett Favre heave away from 3-0. That being said, their two wins are a 4-point squeaker over Arizona and a win over the Seneca Wallace-led Seahawks. Not exactly an impressive body of work. If they can take down Atlanta in Week 5, we're in business.
17. Houston
They're following the early-decade Rams path: electric offense led by an elite running back and a great quarterback plucked off the scrap heap, and a defense who absolutely can't stop anyone. Are they a playoff team? In the AFC South Featuring The Colts, they just might be. But they have work to do before that happens.
16. Pittsburgh
Two losses in a row--to Chicago and Cincy no less--and the Steelers have to be worried. They get a pass for doing it without Troy Polamalu, though. With him, they are not a 1-2 team.
15. Philadelphia
Here's a question: with the Week 6 trade deadline approaching, and a roster featuring Donovan McNabb, Jeff Garcia, Mike Vick and Kevin Kolb, why have the Iggles not made any trade offers out to Oakland and/or Carolina? Can't they get one of them to overpay for Vick? If not, isn't Garcia an upgrade over anything either of those teams have--and for the Eagles, a sale they can make that is all profit? This makes too much sense--this is why I could never be an NFL general manager.
Coming later: Part II. And I mean it this time.
The Sam Bradford Sweepstakes
32. Cleveland
If you replace one proven shitty QB with another proven shitty QB, does it make a sound? Not a great showing for the city of Cleveland. The Browns blew (as usual) this weekend, the Indians are long out of contention, and The Cleveland Show was as bad, if not worse, than the Browns. Hey, at least you're not Detroit. Though this weekend, that might not be the badge of honor it once was.
31. Kansas City
Just goes to show you... when your starting QB has started a total of 15 games in the past 8 years, your head coach has never been a head coach at any level, and your offensive coordinator was literally hired less than a week before the season started--well, that doesn't bode well in any way. Hey, remember when Larry Johnson was a game-changing back?
30. Tampa Bay
Thanks for playing, Byron Leftwich. Stop by on your way out and help yourself to one of our fabulous prizes. Just make sure to pull the giant fork out of your back first, lest you get stuck in the doorway. Hey, remember when the Tampa defense could actually stop people?
(I'm getting mean. Sorry, KC and TB fans. I'll stop.)
29. Oakland
Jamarcus Russell is bad. I mean really, really bad. He's a surefire guarantee for the inaugural class of the Ahmad Carroll All-Stars. As long as he's on the field, Oakland has a shot at 1-15 this year.
(Seriously, you don't believe me? Take a look at the NFL leaders for passer rating. Russell is .2 points better than he would be if he simply dropped back and threw the ball into the ground on every play.)
28. Miami
When Davone Bess is starting at WR for your team, well, Davone Bess is starting at WR for your team. On one hand, they've played three contenders so far, and looked good against two of them. On the other hand, Chad Henne figures to be in the picture for the duration. And they're still 3 games in the hole.
27. Carolina
Remember those passer rating rankings? Jake Delhomme is very much comparable to Russell. Yeah, they're not getting back to the playoffs.
On Life Support
26. St. Louis
They get a bump out of the Bradford division as a reward for looking mildly frisky against the Packers. Amazingly enough, Kyle Boller looked--dare I say it--competent. I never thought I'd see the day. On the strength of that, they get saved from the bottom division. However, they managed to make the Packer offensive line look fantastic (!) after the first two weeks were the exact opposite. So it's not like they're going to be stopping anyone anytime soon. And they are riding a 13-game losing streak.
25. Detroit
Once again, Washington bails out Detroit.
(Thank you, thank you. I'm here all night.)
Shaky At Best
24. Washington
Clinton Portis has quietly failed to reach 80 yards rushing in a game yet this year. If you drafted him for your fantasy team this year, go ahead and bang your head against a wall. It's ok, I'll wait.
(Waiting...)
Okay, much better, right? Washington's schedule, Weeks 2-6 inclusive: St. Louis, Detroit, Tampa Bay, Carolina, Kansas City. All that's missing is St. Mary's School For The Blind.
23. Buffalo
On the bright side, they held New Orleans to 27 points. On the brighter side, Miami and Cleveland are the next two opponents. On a gloomier front, I saw Terrell Owens's face on the side of a milk carton at lunch today. Money well spent, Buffalo.
22. Seattle
This week, the Seneca Wallace Gambling Profit Train makes a stop in Indianapolis. Quick guess: which quarterback is going to look competent, and which one is going to be suffering from a chronic case of Deer-In-The-Headlightis, Peyton Manning or Seneca Wallace?
The Sky Is Falling
21. Tennessee
Now, we're getting into "Good teams who have been really, really crappy thus far." Three losses by a combined 13 points. Things will get better. Maybe not division championship better, but this is not an 0-3 team.
20. Jacksonville
Welcome to Game 20 of the "We've Officially Quit on Jack Del Rio" era! Exciting times! Unrelated, but David Garrard is 31 years old. He doesn't have potential left. For some reason, everyone seems to think he's 26 and will keep getting better. What you see is what you get.
19. Arizona
Leading rushers for Arizona in their Week 1 and 3 losses: Wells, 29; Hightower; 22. Is this something that might become an issue long-term? I think so.
On The Fringe
18. San Francisco
Shaun Hill officially looks good. And they're a lucky Brett Favre heave away from 3-0. That being said, their two wins are a 4-point squeaker over Arizona and a win over the Seneca Wallace-led Seahawks. Not exactly an impressive body of work. If they can take down Atlanta in Week 5, we're in business.
17. Houston
They're following the early-decade Rams path: electric offense led by an elite running back and a great quarterback plucked off the scrap heap, and a defense who absolutely can't stop anyone. Are they a playoff team? In the AFC South Featuring The Colts, they just might be. But they have work to do before that happens.
16. Pittsburgh
Two losses in a row--to Chicago and Cincy no less--and the Steelers have to be worried. They get a pass for doing it without Troy Polamalu, though. With him, they are not a 1-2 team.
15. Philadelphia
Here's a question: with the Week 6 trade deadline approaching, and a roster featuring Donovan McNabb, Jeff Garcia, Mike Vick and Kevin Kolb, why have the Iggles not made any trade offers out to Oakland and/or Carolina? Can't they get one of them to overpay for Vick? If not, isn't Garcia an upgrade over anything either of those teams have--and for the Eagles, a sale they can make that is all profit? This makes too much sense--this is why I could never be an NFL general manager.
Coming later: Part II. And I mean it this time.
Monday, September 21, 2009
The Ahmad Carroll All-Stars, Part I
Let's skip the pleasantries. If you watched the Packer-Bengal game, you will nod your head in agreement. But this is what I commented on my friend's Facebook status after the game...
"Allen Barbre might be the most visibly bad Packer to get regular playing time since Ahmad Carroll... I honestly expect him to give up a sack every time Rodgers drops back."
Basically, it got me to thinking. This kind of thing is uncommon enough that it deserves a special mention. And just because I'm singling out Barbre, who has gotten posterized two weeks in a row, doesn't mean that the rest of the line is off the hook. They all looked bad--and with Chad Clifton gone, improvement is hardly looking imminent.
But as always, that got me to thinking. How uncommon is this? How many players can we think of who fit this category--that they are so bad that you actually expect them to fail every time the action comes near them? The name for this fraternity of failure stems from the first player to jump to mind: Ahmad Carroll.
If you don't follow the Packers carefully, it's excusable to have a quizzical look on your face right now. Carroll was a cornerback, and you tend to forget the bad corners who don't play for you. But if they play for you, you remember. And Ahmad Carroll might have been the worst cornerback in NFL history. I'm pulling these figures out of my ass, but he had more pass interference or defensive holding calls per ball thrown to him than any player in NFL history. Can you remember any other corner so bad that quarterbacks would routinely pick on him? As in "Okay, third and long, let's see who Carroll is on, throw the ball downfield, and wait for the laundry to hit the field" routinely? And it got to the point that we expected him to fail.
Barbre, and to the same extent the rest of the line, has reached that point. Everyone loved the Packers this pre-season, myself included. I had my reservations, but I was confident that a new 3-4 defense would have to be an improvement over last year's debacle, and that there was no way we could drop another seven four-point-or-closer games. What I didn't bank on was the offensive line. We've given up ten sacks in two games. That's sub-Detroit levels.
(And for those of you waiting for me to rip on the defense... well... it's not coming. Our defense is what it is--a slow defensive line, an all-star corps of linebackers, and pick-happy-but-burn-happy corners. We're a team that was made to play a hyper-aggressive style. Maybe we'll rattle the opposing QB, force a ton of turnovers, and look awesome. Maybe he'll stand tall, our corners will get burned trying to jump routes, and our linebackers will miss tackles going for the big hit and the fumble. That's life. I'm a fan of this style, if only because we should have a good enough offensive to combat it--we can give up 20+ points consistently, but as long as we force a few turnovers our offense will be able to pull it out. We should, but if I'm expecting "sack" every time Rodgers drops back to pass, it's not gonna work out that way.
Now, on to our feature presentation. The Ahmad Carroll All-Stars. Here are the qualifications:
-When the player is prominently involved in the play, you have to be thinking "Oh shit--they're gonna blow it hardcore." No exceptions. If you can have any confidence in them whatsoever, they're off the list. That's where post-contract-extension Antonio Freeman falls off--as many passes as he dropped, as many routes as he broke off early, as many times as he stood and watched as a defender jumped the pass, he was always a threat. Proof here.
(Did watching that clip make you feel better? It made me feel better.)
-The player has to be absolutely, unequivocally out of his league. Crappy players playing on pointless teams--I'm talking about you, Dan Orlovsky--don't count. Ryan Leaf counts, if only because his massive salary and ego destined him and the Chargers to eternal suckitude as long as he ran the show. The player in question has to take a somewhat promising product and completely ruin it. Think of it as the difference between Jessica Alba (or even Mila Kunis) disfiguring her face in a car wreck, or Rosie O'Donnell disfiguring her face in a car wreck.
(Completely unrelated subject, but after that play last year, how can Orlovsky possibly have an awareness rating of 68 in this year's Madden? Doesn't running out of your own end zone automatically relegate you below a 30? Isn't that the kind of thing that gets you yanked in a pee-wee game? Is it possible to have a negative awareness rating and, if so, why wasn't Orlovsky given one? I feel like these questions need to be answered, and they need to be answered now.)
-If we're talking about a team sport, the player has to be so bad as to alter the other team's game plan to account for their crappiness. Like how opposing quarterbacks always used Carroll as a get-out-of-third-and-long-free card, or how both the Bears and Bengals stopped blitzing the right side of the line the past two weeks, knowing that their DE would be getting enormous pressure without the added man or two, and they would have more people in coverage.
-Again, because it's that important, they have to absolutely kill the confidence of an otherwise-frisky fan base. There will be a number of baseball closers on the list exactly for this reason--how many Indians fans cringed every time Joe Borowski came in from the bullpen? How many Phillies fans, who otherwise should be 100% confident of a World Series repeat, are terrified at the thought of Brad Lidge on the road protecting a one-run lead and looking like he just sharted himself?
(Brewer fans, don't despair. Curtis Leskanic was one of the first inductees onto the team. I thought of him within five minutes of conceiving the idea.)
Those are the big ones I can think of right now. If any of you guys have any further ideas, feel free to share them in the comments. This is gonna be a very feedback-oriented post, so don't be shy.
Also, while you're sharing those ideas, feel free to share some players who come to mind for the team as well. I'm going to be very Wisconsin-centric for this one for the most part, so feel free to provide your own local examples.
Next Up: Part II of the Ahmad Carroll All-Stars--The players who fit the mold
"Allen Barbre might be the most visibly bad Packer to get regular playing time since Ahmad Carroll... I honestly expect him to give up a sack every time Rodgers drops back."
Basically, it got me to thinking. This kind of thing is uncommon enough that it deserves a special mention. And just because I'm singling out Barbre, who has gotten posterized two weeks in a row, doesn't mean that the rest of the line is off the hook. They all looked bad--and with Chad Clifton gone, improvement is hardly looking imminent.
But as always, that got me to thinking. How uncommon is this? How many players can we think of who fit this category--that they are so bad that you actually expect them to fail every time the action comes near them? The name for this fraternity of failure stems from the first player to jump to mind: Ahmad Carroll.
If you don't follow the Packers carefully, it's excusable to have a quizzical look on your face right now. Carroll was a cornerback, and you tend to forget the bad corners who don't play for you. But if they play for you, you remember. And Ahmad Carroll might have been the worst cornerback in NFL history. I'm pulling these figures out of my ass, but he had more pass interference or defensive holding calls per ball thrown to him than any player in NFL history. Can you remember any other corner so bad that quarterbacks would routinely pick on him? As in "Okay, third and long, let's see who Carroll is on, throw the ball downfield, and wait for the laundry to hit the field" routinely? And it got to the point that we expected him to fail.
Barbre, and to the same extent the rest of the line, has reached that point. Everyone loved the Packers this pre-season, myself included. I had my reservations, but I was confident that a new 3-4 defense would have to be an improvement over last year's debacle, and that there was no way we could drop another seven four-point-or-closer games. What I didn't bank on was the offensive line. We've given up ten sacks in two games. That's sub-Detroit levels.
(And for those of you waiting for me to rip on the defense... well... it's not coming. Our defense is what it is--a slow defensive line, an all-star corps of linebackers, and pick-happy-but-burn-happy corners. We're a team that was made to play a hyper-aggressive style. Maybe we'll rattle the opposing QB, force a ton of turnovers, and look awesome. Maybe he'll stand tall, our corners will get burned trying to jump routes, and our linebackers will miss tackles going for the big hit and the fumble. That's life. I'm a fan of this style, if only because we should have a good enough offensive to combat it--we can give up 20+ points consistently, but as long as we force a few turnovers our offense will be able to pull it out. We should, but if I'm expecting "sack" every time Rodgers drops back to pass, it's not gonna work out that way.
Now, on to our feature presentation. The Ahmad Carroll All-Stars. Here are the qualifications:
-When the player is prominently involved in the play, you have to be thinking "Oh shit--they're gonna blow it hardcore." No exceptions. If you can have any confidence in them whatsoever, they're off the list. That's where post-contract-extension Antonio Freeman falls off--as many passes as he dropped, as many routes as he broke off early, as many times as he stood and watched as a defender jumped the pass, he was always a threat. Proof here.
(Did watching that clip make you feel better? It made me feel better.)
-The player has to be absolutely, unequivocally out of his league. Crappy players playing on pointless teams--I'm talking about you, Dan Orlovsky--don't count. Ryan Leaf counts, if only because his massive salary and ego destined him and the Chargers to eternal suckitude as long as he ran the show. The player in question has to take a somewhat promising product and completely ruin it. Think of it as the difference between Jessica Alba (or even Mila Kunis) disfiguring her face in a car wreck, or Rosie O'Donnell disfiguring her face in a car wreck.
(Completely unrelated subject, but after that play last year, how can Orlovsky possibly have an awareness rating of 68 in this year's Madden? Doesn't running out of your own end zone automatically relegate you below a 30? Isn't that the kind of thing that gets you yanked in a pee-wee game? Is it possible to have a negative awareness rating and, if so, why wasn't Orlovsky given one? I feel like these questions need to be answered, and they need to be answered now.)
-If we're talking about a team sport, the player has to be so bad as to alter the other team's game plan to account for their crappiness. Like how opposing quarterbacks always used Carroll as a get-out-of-third-and-long-free card, or how both the Bears and Bengals stopped blitzing the right side of the line the past two weeks, knowing that their DE would be getting enormous pressure without the added man or two, and they would have more people in coverage.
-Again, because it's that important, they have to absolutely kill the confidence of an otherwise-frisky fan base. There will be a number of baseball closers on the list exactly for this reason--how many Indians fans cringed every time Joe Borowski came in from the bullpen? How many Phillies fans, who otherwise should be 100% confident of a World Series repeat, are terrified at the thought of Brad Lidge on the road protecting a one-run lead and looking like he just sharted himself?
(Brewer fans, don't despair. Curtis Leskanic was one of the first inductees onto the team. I thought of him within five minutes of conceiving the idea.)
Those are the big ones I can think of right now. If any of you guys have any further ideas, feel free to share them in the comments. This is gonna be a very feedback-oriented post, so don't be shy.
Also, while you're sharing those ideas, feel free to share some players who come to mind for the team as well. I'm going to be very Wisconsin-centric for this one for the most part, so feel free to provide your own local examples.
Next Up: Part II of the Ahmad Carroll All-Stars--The players who fit the mold
Monday, September 14, 2009
Iverson, Alpha Dogs, and Lone Wolves
"Hello... how bout that ride in? I guess thats why they call it Sin City haha. You guys might not know this but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So there... there was two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack and Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys I thought "wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine."--The Hangover
I recently read a piece by Jemele Hill of ESPN.com detailing why Grizzlies fans (all 6 of them) should be wary of the Allen Iverson era. I don't know why, but I kept going over it in my mind. The result is what you get here.
Iverson is, love him or hate him, one of the most fascinating athletes of his generation. Despite having spent the majority of his career with zero for a supporting cast (Larry Hughes, Eric Snow, Matt Geiger anyone?), he managed to win an MVP award, take the Sixers to an NBA Finals, and ten-or-so years from now, he will be a sure-thing first-ballot Hall of Famer. All while remaining the quintessenal example of the me-first point guard, a type of player generally less successful than any other prototype.
Iverson's talent was never lacking, and that is what makes him so fascinating. The fact that he chose basketball is what kept him from becoming an all-time great. Had he picked up a tennis racket at age 5 and never looked back, we'd be talking about him as one of the all-time greats; a kid from the projects long on talent and athleticism who made himself into a legend: think both Williams sisters rolled into one. If he had focused on becoming a running back rather than a point guard, he would've become the heir to Barry Sanders--an undersized, overquick back with moves upon moves and a fire that never stopped burning.
The problem was, Iverson became a basketball player. He had a me-first mentality in the ultimate team game. You hear all the time about the Alpha Dogs--the players who are unquestionably the go-to-guys, who go down as the all-time greats by mixing talent and leadership. Dirk Nowitzki will never be argued as the greatest basketball player of his generation because he lacked that leadership ability--he had Alpha Dog talent with a pack-dog menality. Iverson was the opposite--Alpha Dog talent with a Lone Wolf mentality. And it's not his fault.
Growing up poor, carrying a talent-thin Georgetown team in college, Iverson spent his formative years learning that the only person he could trust was himself. When he got to the pros things got, if anything, worse--see again, the cavalcade of second-rate talent Philly continually trotted out behind him. Iverson did not play with another world-class player until 2006, when Chris Webber arrived in Philly. By that point, it was too late. Iverson was 31 years old, and had already learned that the team went as he went--that he was better off going one-on-five than trying to involve his teammates. The damage was done.
There is a difference between an Alpha Dog and a Lone Wolf. Alpha Dogs are the unquestioned leader of the pack. The pack gets their hunt, but the Alpha Dog runs things. Michael Jordan was an Alpha Dog. Magic Johnson was an Alpha Dog. Guys like that will let their teammates get involved, but take over in crunch time. Winning is important, but so is keeping everyone happy.
Iverson, on the other hand, is what I would call a Lone Wolf. The teammates don't matter. If they can help without getting in the way, fine. If not, he goes it alone.
Lone Wolves can work, particularly in individual sports. Even in a sport like football, in which the team aspect plays a role but an individual player can dominate, a Lone Wolf can be effective. Basketball is a sport that requires teamwork on all fronts. You can't go one-on-five and expect to win regularly.
(The most interesting thing? Probably the second-best example of a Lone Wolf in the NBA right now is Kobe Bryant. And his title this past year, while worthy of discussion, deserves it's own column.)
These past few years, Iverson has experienced a shell shock as he was surrounded by talent for the first time in his life. For the first time, he didn't have to do everything--but he was instinctively trained to do everything. Problems, predictably, arose when Iverson was paired with other players who weren't happy to sit back and watch him work. And he got ripped apart for it--but it wasn't his fault.
Let's say you have a cat. You don't want to bother with training the cat to use a litterbox, so you train the cat to poop outside. Then, you move to an apartment or condo with no yard, so this is no longer an option. Then, when the cat can't adapt to the litterbox, you yell about how stupid it is. Would this make any sense? Absolutely not. So why is it we're basically doing the same thing with Iverson?
Hill has a point--the Iverson experiment is not going to end well for Memphis. That's the problem with him--he's still going to go one-on-five, he's still going to try to win on his own, only he's slower, weaker, and less accurate shooting than he was in his prime. Because of this, he will either have to learn how to share, or wash out of the league. As I mentioned in discussing Brett Favre, such is the choice for older athletes--adapt, or wash out.
What might have been.
I recently read a piece by Jemele Hill of ESPN.com detailing why Grizzlies fans (all 6 of them) should be wary of the Allen Iverson era. I don't know why, but I kept going over it in my mind. The result is what you get here.
Iverson is, love him or hate him, one of the most fascinating athletes of his generation. Despite having spent the majority of his career with zero for a supporting cast (Larry Hughes, Eric Snow, Matt Geiger anyone?), he managed to win an MVP award, take the Sixers to an NBA Finals, and ten-or-so years from now, he will be a sure-thing first-ballot Hall of Famer. All while remaining the quintessenal example of the me-first point guard, a type of player generally less successful than any other prototype.
Iverson's talent was never lacking, and that is what makes him so fascinating. The fact that he chose basketball is what kept him from becoming an all-time great. Had he picked up a tennis racket at age 5 and never looked back, we'd be talking about him as one of the all-time greats; a kid from the projects long on talent and athleticism who made himself into a legend: think both Williams sisters rolled into one. If he had focused on becoming a running back rather than a point guard, he would've become the heir to Barry Sanders--an undersized, overquick back with moves upon moves and a fire that never stopped burning.
The problem was, Iverson became a basketball player. He had a me-first mentality in the ultimate team game. You hear all the time about the Alpha Dogs--the players who are unquestionably the go-to-guys, who go down as the all-time greats by mixing talent and leadership. Dirk Nowitzki will never be argued as the greatest basketball player of his generation because he lacked that leadership ability--he had Alpha Dog talent with a pack-dog menality. Iverson was the opposite--Alpha Dog talent with a Lone Wolf mentality. And it's not his fault.
Growing up poor, carrying a talent-thin Georgetown team in college, Iverson spent his formative years learning that the only person he could trust was himself. When he got to the pros things got, if anything, worse--see again, the cavalcade of second-rate talent Philly continually trotted out behind him. Iverson did not play with another world-class player until 2006, when Chris Webber arrived in Philly. By that point, it was too late. Iverson was 31 years old, and had already learned that the team went as he went--that he was better off going one-on-five than trying to involve his teammates. The damage was done.
There is a difference between an Alpha Dog and a Lone Wolf. Alpha Dogs are the unquestioned leader of the pack. The pack gets their hunt, but the Alpha Dog runs things. Michael Jordan was an Alpha Dog. Magic Johnson was an Alpha Dog. Guys like that will let their teammates get involved, but take over in crunch time. Winning is important, but so is keeping everyone happy.
Iverson, on the other hand, is what I would call a Lone Wolf. The teammates don't matter. If they can help without getting in the way, fine. If not, he goes it alone.
Lone Wolves can work, particularly in individual sports. Even in a sport like football, in which the team aspect plays a role but an individual player can dominate, a Lone Wolf can be effective. Basketball is a sport that requires teamwork on all fronts. You can't go one-on-five and expect to win regularly.
(The most interesting thing? Probably the second-best example of a Lone Wolf in the NBA right now is Kobe Bryant. And his title this past year, while worthy of discussion, deserves it's own column.)
These past few years, Iverson has experienced a shell shock as he was surrounded by talent for the first time in his life. For the first time, he didn't have to do everything--but he was instinctively trained to do everything. Problems, predictably, arose when Iverson was paired with other players who weren't happy to sit back and watch him work. And he got ripped apart for it--but it wasn't his fault.
Let's say you have a cat. You don't want to bother with training the cat to use a litterbox, so you train the cat to poop outside. Then, you move to an apartment or condo with no yard, so this is no longer an option. Then, when the cat can't adapt to the litterbox, you yell about how stupid it is. Would this make any sense? Absolutely not. So why is it we're basically doing the same thing with Iverson?
Hill has a point--the Iverson experiment is not going to end well for Memphis. That's the problem with him--he's still going to go one-on-five, he's still going to try to win on his own, only he's slower, weaker, and less accurate shooting than he was in his prime. Because of this, he will either have to learn how to share, or wash out of the league. As I mentioned in discussing Brett Favre, such is the choice for older athletes--adapt, or wash out.
What might have been.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Random Thoughts 9/12/09: Tate Forcier is SO getting laid tonight
College Football: We're going to run this off list-style.
1. If Wisconsin doesn't learn how to tackle, they are in for another 8-5 season capped off with a crushing loss to a random SEC team in a shitty mid-December bowl. Clay looked superb, the secondary looked alternately awesome and porous, and the front seven couldn't stop a good high school team.
2. Who had the worst weekend?
A. Sparty
B. Charlie Weis's FUPA*
C. Everyone in the state of Oklahoma
D. Every random person Michael Jordan shat on in his Hall of Fame address.
*Charlie Weis no longer exists. You hear me? He's "Charlie Weis's FUPA." Think of him in the same way you thought of Theo Ratliff's Expiring Contract, or Fred Taylor's Groin. Or Brett Favre's Ego, for that matter.
3. Tate Forcier is for real. Dude did everything short of teabagging Touchdown Jesus today.
(Any other situation, and I'd be lining him up for my fantasy team two years down the road already. But with Michigan? I give his ACL four weeks. The universe hates Rich Rodriguez, this is a fact.)
NFL: Packers-Bears tomorrow night to kick off the season. I'm skipping the Tucker Max movie premiere for it, and there is no hesitation on my part. The Packers are now the most sympathetic franchise in all of sports. We're competing for the division title with Brett Favre and Jay Cutler, the most hateable athletes on the planet. My picks for the weekend (home team in CAPS):
STEELERS (-6) over Titans No, I'm not going to change this one after the fact. I'm honest like that.
Broncos (+4) over BENGALS Wait a minute, Kyle Orton on the road... Screw it. They're still the Bengals.
TEXANS (-4.5) over Jets Put it this way: if you're playing the Texans' defense on your fantasy team this week, you're going to be pleasantly surprised. Rookie quarterback, hostile crowd, aggressive 3-4 defense? Sounds like a recipe for turnovers.
Vikings (-4) over BROWNS Adrian Peterson, meet the 22nd-ranked run defense in the NFL. 22nd-ranked run defense in the NFL, say goodbye to Adrian Peterson as he racks up 178 yards and three touchdowns on you.
SAINTS (-13) over Lions Ladies and gentlemen, your Suicide Pool Sure Thing Of The Week! 0-17? I think so.
COLTS (-7) over Jaguars Has any team ever quit on their coach two seasons in a row before? Is that even possible? Will we find out this year?
(The answers are "Pretty sure not," "Apparently so," and "Looks like it.")
My BAC (+.05) over MY GPA Both should hover somewhere around the "2" range. I'm confident that the additional football in my life will help one, and not the other.
RAVENS (-13) over Chiefs As a general rule, if a team has had their current offensive coordinator for less than 2 weeks, you should not pick them.
Cowboys (-6) over BUCS As a general rule, if a team has had their current offensive coordinator for less than 2 weeks, you should not pick them.
PATS (-10.5) over Bills As a general rule, if a team has had their current offensive coordinator for less than 2 weeks, you should not pick them.
49ers (+6.5) over CARDINALS Has the Super Bowl Loser Jinx ever happened before the season even started? As little as the preseason means, the Cards looked putrid.
Eagles (-2) over PANTHERS Is there a less exciting team in the NFL than the Panthers? I think not.
GIANTS (-6.5) over Redskins This one is not going to be that close.
SEAHAWKS (-8.5) over Rams Has any sports team ever had a more bipolar decade than the Rams? They came into the Aughts as the Greatest Show on Turf, they leave as the frontrunners in the Tim Tebow Sweepstakes. Not even Britney Spears fell off this hard the past 10 years.
PACKERS (-3.5) over Bears I've been explaining this one for weeks.
FALCONS (-4) over Dolphins Perpetual Lame Duck Quarterback Chad Pennington, I wish you luck with whatever team you end up on next year. Thanks for that miracle season and all, but your accuracy and game management just aren't sexy enough to keep us from rolling the dice with Chad Henne. Signed, Management.
(By the way, along the same lines as Charlie Weis's FUPA, the Miami quarterback shall forever be known in this space as Perpetual Lame Duck Quarterback Chad Pennington. Has any player been given up on this many times for no real reason? And more importantly, has any sports blogger ever found a way to work so many rhetorical questions into one post? I feel like I accomplished something special today.)
Chargers (-9) over RAIDERS It's not gonna be a good year for quarterbacks named Jamarcus. Just a gut feeling.
1. If Wisconsin doesn't learn how to tackle, they are in for another 8-5 season capped off with a crushing loss to a random SEC team in a shitty mid-December bowl. Clay looked superb, the secondary looked alternately awesome and porous, and the front seven couldn't stop a good high school team.
2. Who had the worst weekend?
A. Sparty
B. Charlie Weis's FUPA*
C. Everyone in the state of Oklahoma
D. Every random person Michael Jordan shat on in his Hall of Fame address.
*Charlie Weis no longer exists. You hear me? He's "Charlie Weis's FUPA." Think of him in the same way you thought of Theo Ratliff's Expiring Contract, or Fred Taylor's Groin. Or Brett Favre's Ego, for that matter.
3. Tate Forcier is for real. Dude did everything short of teabagging Touchdown Jesus today.
(Any other situation, and I'd be lining him up for my fantasy team two years down the road already. But with Michigan? I give his ACL four weeks. The universe hates Rich Rodriguez, this is a fact.)
NFL: Packers-Bears tomorrow night to kick off the season. I'm skipping the Tucker Max movie premiere for it, and there is no hesitation on my part. The Packers are now the most sympathetic franchise in all of sports. We're competing for the division title with Brett Favre and Jay Cutler, the most hateable athletes on the planet. My picks for the weekend (home team in CAPS):
STEELERS (-6) over Titans No, I'm not going to change this one after the fact. I'm honest like that.
Broncos (+4) over BENGALS Wait a minute, Kyle Orton on the road... Screw it. They're still the Bengals.
TEXANS (-4.5) over Jets Put it this way: if you're playing the Texans' defense on your fantasy team this week, you're going to be pleasantly surprised. Rookie quarterback, hostile crowd, aggressive 3-4 defense? Sounds like a recipe for turnovers.
Vikings (-4) over BROWNS Adrian Peterson, meet the 22nd-ranked run defense in the NFL. 22nd-ranked run defense in the NFL, say goodbye to Adrian Peterson as he racks up 178 yards and three touchdowns on you.
SAINTS (-13) over Lions Ladies and gentlemen, your Suicide Pool Sure Thing Of The Week! 0-17? I think so.
COLTS (-7) over Jaguars Has any team ever quit on their coach two seasons in a row before? Is that even possible? Will we find out this year?
(The answers are "Pretty sure not," "Apparently so," and "Looks like it.")
My BAC (+.05) over MY GPA Both should hover somewhere around the "2" range. I'm confident that the additional football in my life will help one, and not the other.
RAVENS (-13) over Chiefs As a general rule, if a team has had their current offensive coordinator for less than 2 weeks, you should not pick them.
Cowboys (-6) over BUCS As a general rule, if a team has had their current offensive coordinator for less than 2 weeks, you should not pick them.
PATS (-10.5) over Bills As a general rule, if a team has had their current offensive coordinator for less than 2 weeks, you should not pick them.
49ers (+6.5) over CARDINALS Has the Super Bowl Loser Jinx ever happened before the season even started? As little as the preseason means, the Cards looked putrid.
Eagles (-2) over PANTHERS Is there a less exciting team in the NFL than the Panthers? I think not.
GIANTS (-6.5) over Redskins This one is not going to be that close.
SEAHAWKS (-8.5) over Rams Has any sports team ever had a more bipolar decade than the Rams? They came into the Aughts as the Greatest Show on Turf, they leave as the frontrunners in the Tim Tebow Sweepstakes. Not even Britney Spears fell off this hard the past 10 years.
PACKERS (-3.5) over Bears I've been explaining this one for weeks.
FALCONS (-4) over Dolphins Perpetual Lame Duck Quarterback Chad Pennington, I wish you luck with whatever team you end up on next year. Thanks for that miracle season and all, but your accuracy and game management just aren't sexy enough to keep us from rolling the dice with Chad Henne. Signed, Management.
(By the way, along the same lines as Charlie Weis's FUPA, the Miami quarterback shall forever be known in this space as Perpetual Lame Duck Quarterback Chad Pennington. Has any player been given up on this many times for no real reason? And more importantly, has any sports blogger ever found a way to work so many rhetorical questions into one post? I feel like I accomplished something special today.)
Chargers (-9) over RAIDERS It's not gonna be a good year for quarterbacks named Jamarcus. Just a gut feeling.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Hung Over for the NFL Season
It's been a while. I've been moving back up to school, and it's been fairly busy. Now that I'm unpacked and don't start my training for freshman orientation until tomorrow though, here's a general idea of how today is probably gonna go: Beat off, type up resume, do some job applications, beat off again, get drunk. So it goes without saying that I have time to do up an NFL preview.
Some of you might be familiar with this format: I used it once before while still on the Advance-Titan staff (link not up). Basically, instead of giving out pre-season awards, we're giving out movie quotes. And if you think this idea sounds too entertaining for me to have thought of it myself, well, you're right. Bill Simmons of ESPN.com was the first to do this (that I know of). That being said, I was the one who gave him the idea for a drink named after John Daly, and that seems to be working out pretty good already. So we'll call it even.
The movie in question for this season's preview? The Hangover. Why The Hangover? Because I won't get to see I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell until September 13th, and the NFL season will already be started at that point. So we went with this summer's biggest comedy instead.
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.
To Michael Vick, and if you have to ask why, I'd like to welcome you to 2009. Enjoy your stay.
(Seriously, with everyone seemingly forgiving Michael Jackson for all his alleged transgressions after he died this summer, Vick is now the most polarizing public figure alive. Half the country wants to see him put to death, the other half wants to see him cash in on his second chance. He's reached a George W. Bushian level of divisiveness at this point).
Alan Garner: Hey what's that on your arm?
Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan Garner: Are you okay?
To Adrian Peterson. Look, the reason this guy even fell to the Vikings with the 8th pick in the draft two years ago was because he was quite possibly the biggest injury risk in Oklahoma history in college. Combine this with the fact that the Vikings shot themselves in the foot, karma-wise, when they signed Brett Favre and that every expert seems ready to present the Vikings with the divisional title already (always a warning sign) and Purple Jesus's knees must be quivering. Keep this in mind on Fantasy Draft Day, too--if your league allows you to trade down from the first pick, you should be initiating a bidding war for it that would make Billy Beane jealous.
Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
To Donte Stallworth. Enjoy probation while Plaxico Burress does time for a crime that didn't kill anyone. Our country is so fucking backwards.
(Okay, the pilot just turned on the "No Political Ranting" sign.)
Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.
To the Chicago Bears. Congratulations, guys! Your franchise's savior is a combined 28-54 in college and the pros. Two years ago, he effectively ruined Denver's season and cost Mike Shanahan the job he had held for 13 years. This past off-season, he made headlines by whining himself onto the trading block--something unheard of for an alleged franchise quarterback. Granted, you're better off with this head case than Kyle Orton and his "Hand That Rocks the Cradle" beard, but this still should've sent off far more warning signs to Bears management than it actually did.
(I'm completely torn on the NFC North right now. On the one hand, it's the most competitive division in football--three teams can very easily win it. On the other hand, all three teams have something fundamentally wrong with them--Minnesota is relying on a 40-year-old quarterback with a penchant for killing teams at this point in his career and a running back who might as well be made of porcelain, Chicago and Green Bay both have no depth, and Chicago's main offseason acquisitions were a snakebit quarterback and an over-the-hill left tackle to boot. I have no idea what to expect, other than that the Detroit Lions will almost certainly finish fourth.)
Black Doug: Hey man I can be your Doug!
To Kerry Collins, who--believe it or not--has an outside shot to end this season with more career passing yards than Joe Montana. How the hell did that happen? Wasn't he supposed to be a bust? Didn't he go unwanted for the longest time?
Stu Price: Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!
To the aforementioned Kyle Orton, who will surely guide the Broncos to their fourth straight playoffless season.
Phil Wenneck: Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!
To the Baltimore Ravens. You thought this one was going to the Bengals, didn't you? But everyone keeps forgetting about the Ravens. They've still got Ray Lewis, and the best defense in the NFL. And Joe Flacco, Ray Rice and Mark Clayton comprise one of the best young offensive cores in the league. Losing Bart Scott and Rex Ryan is not going to hurt them as bad as you think.
Stu Price: I look like a nerdy hillbilly!
To my Super Bowl prediction. I really don't like anyone all that much. The Steelers are good, but they really weren't that dominant last year until the playoffs, and they didn't make any big acquisitions. The Patriots are good, but Tom Brady hasn't played in well over a year, there is no running game to speak of, and Randy Moss isn't getting any younger. Ditto for Donovan McNabb, which makes the Eagles iffy at best. The Giants have no go-to wide receiver with Plax behind bars. The Vikings, I've covered already. Arizona still can't stop anyone, and still can't play on the road. Tennessee is still reliant on Kerry Collins to run their team. Isn't that pretty much every serious contender?
Like last season, I think it's going to be an ugly NFL season. I don't think we're going to have a dominant team who everyone knows runs shit. And in seasons like that, as I stated a year ago when making my midseason picks, the Super Bowl winner is usually the team that does one thing really, really well--better than any other team does any other thing. I took Tennessee, while noting that Pittsburgh fit the same mold--stifling defense, steady run game, capable game-manager quarterback: not flashy, but fundamentally solid and talented. This year, I'm saying the same thing. I think the Titans win it all. If they don't the Steelers are my second pick.
Some of you might be familiar with this format: I used it once before while still on the Advance-Titan staff (link not up). Basically, instead of giving out pre-season awards, we're giving out movie quotes. And if you think this idea sounds too entertaining for me to have thought of it myself, well, you're right. Bill Simmons of ESPN.com was the first to do this (that I know of). That being said, I was the one who gave him the idea for a drink named after John Daly, and that seems to be working out pretty good already. So we'll call it even.
The movie in question for this season's preview? The Hangover. Why The Hangover? Because I won't get to see I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell until September 13th, and the NFL season will already be started at that point. So we went with this summer's biggest comedy instead.
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.
To Michael Vick, and if you have to ask why, I'd like to welcome you to 2009. Enjoy your stay.
(Seriously, with everyone seemingly forgiving Michael Jackson for all his alleged transgressions after he died this summer, Vick is now the most polarizing public figure alive. Half the country wants to see him put to death, the other half wants to see him cash in on his second chance. He's reached a George W. Bushian level of divisiveness at this point).
Alan Garner: Hey what's that on your arm?
Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan Garner: Are you okay?
To Adrian Peterson. Look, the reason this guy even fell to the Vikings with the 8th pick in the draft two years ago was because he was quite possibly the biggest injury risk in Oklahoma history in college. Combine this with the fact that the Vikings shot themselves in the foot, karma-wise, when they signed Brett Favre and that every expert seems ready to present the Vikings with the divisional title already (always a warning sign) and Purple Jesus's knees must be quivering. Keep this in mind on Fantasy Draft Day, too--if your league allows you to trade down from the first pick, you should be initiating a bidding war for it that would make Billy Beane jealous.
Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
To Donte Stallworth. Enjoy probation while Plaxico Burress does time for a crime that didn't kill anyone. Our country is so fucking backwards.
(Okay, the pilot just turned on the "No Political Ranting" sign.)
Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.
To the Chicago Bears. Congratulations, guys! Your franchise's savior is a combined 28-54 in college and the pros. Two years ago, he effectively ruined Denver's season and cost Mike Shanahan the job he had held for 13 years. This past off-season, he made headlines by whining himself onto the trading block--something unheard of for an alleged franchise quarterback. Granted, you're better off with this head case than Kyle Orton and his "Hand That Rocks the Cradle" beard, but this still should've sent off far more warning signs to Bears management than it actually did.
(I'm completely torn on the NFC North right now. On the one hand, it's the most competitive division in football--three teams can very easily win it. On the other hand, all three teams have something fundamentally wrong with them--Minnesota is relying on a 40-year-old quarterback with a penchant for killing teams at this point in his career and a running back who might as well be made of porcelain, Chicago and Green Bay both have no depth, and Chicago's main offseason acquisitions were a snakebit quarterback and an over-the-hill left tackle to boot. I have no idea what to expect, other than that the Detroit Lions will almost certainly finish fourth.)
Black Doug: Hey man I can be your Doug!
To Kerry Collins, who--believe it or not--has an outside shot to end this season with more career passing yards than Joe Montana. How the hell did that happen? Wasn't he supposed to be a bust? Didn't he go unwanted for the longest time?
Stu Price: Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!
To the aforementioned Kyle Orton, who will surely guide the Broncos to their fourth straight playoffless season.
Phil Wenneck: Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!
To the Baltimore Ravens. You thought this one was going to the Bengals, didn't you? But everyone keeps forgetting about the Ravens. They've still got Ray Lewis, and the best defense in the NFL. And Joe Flacco, Ray Rice and Mark Clayton comprise one of the best young offensive cores in the league. Losing Bart Scott and Rex Ryan is not going to hurt them as bad as you think.
Stu Price: I look like a nerdy hillbilly!
To my Super Bowl prediction. I really don't like anyone all that much. The Steelers are good, but they really weren't that dominant last year until the playoffs, and they didn't make any big acquisitions. The Patriots are good, but Tom Brady hasn't played in well over a year, there is no running game to speak of, and Randy Moss isn't getting any younger. Ditto for Donovan McNabb, which makes the Eagles iffy at best. The Giants have no go-to wide receiver with Plax behind bars. The Vikings, I've covered already. Arizona still can't stop anyone, and still can't play on the road. Tennessee is still reliant on Kerry Collins to run their team. Isn't that pretty much every serious contender?
Like last season, I think it's going to be an ugly NFL season. I don't think we're going to have a dominant team who everyone knows runs shit. And in seasons like that, as I stated a year ago when making my midseason picks, the Super Bowl winner is usually the team that does one thing really, really well--better than any other team does any other thing. I took Tennessee, while noting that Pittsburgh fit the same mold--stifling defense, steady run game, capable game-manager quarterback: not flashy, but fundamentally solid and talented. This year, I'm saying the same thing. I think the Titans win it all. If they don't the Steelers are my second pick.
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