Buying and Selling: The Winter Olympics

If you are a sports fan, February is the worst time of the year.  The Super Bowl is over, and the NFL is nursing its collective hangover before really kicking the off-season into gear.  March Madness is on the horizon, but not yet close enough to qualify as "legitimately exciting."  Pitchers and catchers have yet to report.  In most years, all we've got for February sporting events is the NBA trade deadline.  Not a fun month by any means.

Ordinarily, this would mean a month of me repeatedly reaching into my Bag of Gimmicky Columns That Can Take Up Space When Absolutely Nothing Is Happening.  This year?  We've got the Winter Olympics.  And they're being played in America Junior!  Score!

I love the Olympics.  Both seasons of them.  Every four years, we give a crap about things like the discus, fencing, cross-country skiing and curling if only because of a sense of patriotism and a desire to show that even though America might be number fifty-something in education, health care, production, unemployment, and not idolizing idiots who call themselves The Situation; we still are number one when it comes to sports.  It's a fun comfort to have.

So I've been watching a lot of the Games.  And there are some things I like, and some I don't like.  Here we go.

Buy: Shani Davis coming from behind to steal the 1,000-meter gold from Tae-Bum Mo.  Chad Hedrick riding the pairing with Mo to an improbable medal.  Apolo Ohno coming from behind to steal silver in the 500 from the Koreans.  We haven't done this much damage to the Korean national psyche in over fifty years.

Sell: Mo, the gold medal winner in the 500, claiming that Ohno didn't deserve to win after his countrymen, in 2nd and 3rd during the final lap, crashed into each other.  While we're at it, here's some other thoughts Mo had about recent sporting events:

-The Saints didn't deserve the Super Bowl title--the only reason they won was because of that onside kick.  And the only reason they even got to the game was because of that Brett Favre interception.
-The Brewers didn't deserve to make the playoffs in 2008--the only reason they did was because they traded for CC Sabathia.
-The Cardinals didn't deserve to beat the Packers in the wild-card game--the only reason they did was because Rodgers fumbled on the game's final play.
-The Americans didn't deserve hockey gold in 1980--the only reason they won was because the Soviet coach pulled Tretiak after the first period.

(Actually, upon further deliberation, this might have been the most underrated coaching mistake of all time.  I'm not exaggerating here.  Imagine if Jim Caldwell pulled Peyton Manning for Lance Painter after Manning's first interception--only if the Colts and Saints both had nuclear arms and an incomprehensible hatred for each other, the Colts were 55-point favorites and probably all 'roided to the hilt, and the Saints were made up of a college all-star team.  In fact, I'm about 43% sure that the Soviet coach was put to death for this decision.  How do you yank the best goalie in the world, replace him with a backup who has no experience in games that matter, and do this all during an Olympic semifinal game?  What kind of message does that send to a heavy underdog who is struggling to hang around one period in?  Not that I'm complaining about the result, but I feel like this needs to be mentioned every time we talk about that game.  THAT big of a mistake.)

Buy: Lindsey Vonn and Julia Mancuso.  I'm not kidding around.  Where can I buy them?  You don't want to know what I'm willing to trade.  Yummy...

Sell: Canada.  Screwing up the torch-lighting ceremony was bad.  Only six medals in seven days is bad.  Repeated mentions on TV towards how crappy the snow and ice surfaces are is really bad.  On the bright side, they got their first gold medal in a home Olympics ever.  But big picture, it hasn't been a great performance by the home country.

(All three of my Canadian readers just sent me a polite but firm e-mail to please stop bashing their country.  I'm sorry guys.  Please accept this apology of an embedded Youtube video of the Most Awesome Sports Moment In Canadian History:)






(Just a background on that one: that was Game 3 of the 2006 Western Conference Finals between the LA Kings and Edmonton Oilers.  Prior to Game 2, the Los Angeles crowd booed the Canadian national anthem--which is semi-acceptable if you're a crazed soccer hooligan, never acceptable in any other circumstance, and definitely not acceptable if you're a foccacia yuppie Los Angeles crowd who are only at a hockey game for business reasons.  The Kings' loss in that series was due 100% to karma, and you can't convince me otherwise.)

Buy: The biathalon.  I have no idea how it is scored, I was shaking my head quizzically as they tried to explain the rules... but I couldn't turn away.  Here's what I set as my Facebook status as I watched the biathalon during my lunch break the other day:

I have no idea how the Biathalon is decided, but I find myself completely transfixed. Other than beer pong, there is not a sport alive that was more obviously invented while drunk. Cross-country skiing and sniper rifles? It makes no sense, other than that it's entertaining.

We need more crazy combination Olympic sports.  Count me as the first one aboard the "Chess Boxing in 2016!" bandwagon.

Sell: Ice dancing.  The only Winter Olympic sport that will make me change the channel every time.  Even when someone falls, which is the only reason to watch in the first place, it's not as great as it sounds.  Can we get less of this please?

Buy: The young US hockey team, coming back from a disappointing Torino games by winning their first pairing.  Do I think they are in the same class as the Canadians or Russians?  Not by a long shot.  Could they pull a few upsets and medal?  Absolutely.

Sell: Alex Ovechkin.  Remember this the next time anyone tries to tell you that he's better than Crosby: Ovechkin has been invisible in the Olympics.  The best players step it up on the biggest stage.  No exceptions.  There's a reason Karl Malone and Chris Webber in any discussions as the best players in NBA and NCAA history, respectively.

Buy: Stephen Colbert, Speed Skating Cheerleader.  Source:

"I'm a firm believer in fossil fuels," TV personality Stephen Colbert told ESPN.com when asked about trucking a 3-ton Zamboni 600 miles to replace an environmentally friendly machine. "I'm glad they killed this whole green thing. I wonder if it affected the skaters. If it did, Al Gore owes someone an apology."

Enjoy the rest of the Games, folks.  I know I will.

Dissecting the ballsiest coaching decision in sports history

The Super Bowl is watched, annually, by roughly 50 million people worldwide. It is, quite literally, the biggest stage in the world.

So to buck conventional wisdom, and to make the smart choice instead of the safe choice, on that big of a stage warrants some recognition.

Sean Payton, after tonight, you have earned my eternal respect. I may question your individual decisions, I may question your particular plan at some point, but I will never, as long as I live, question your fortitude. Faced with the choice between playing to win and playing to not lose, you chose to play to win. And it is because of that choice that you are now a Super Bowl Champion.

For posterity, reading this years after the fact, let me set the scene for you. The second half of Super Bowl XLIV* is about to begin. You are coaching the New Orleans Saints, the premier offensive juggernaut of the past several seasons, and unquestionably one of the two greatest teams of this current season. On the opposite sideline are the Indianapolis Colts--a team who plays the game the same way you do, just as well, and is just as successful in doing so. At the half, you trail 10-6. The only reason you haven't given up more points is that your offense held the ball for all but six plays of the second quarter. Your defense has given up two ugly scoring drives and come up with two stops--one of which was purely because of starting field position (their own 1 yard line) and pure luck (Austin Collie dropping an easy first-down catch with nobody anywhere close to him). Your defense has done nothing to suggest that they are capable of slowing down Peyton Manning, much less stopping him. So what do you do?

You shake things up. I'd like to think you come into the locker room, and open your halftime speech with the last thirteen words that anyone on your team expects to hear.

"Gentlemen, we are going to start the second half with an onside kick."

Silence. Players are looking at each other quizzically, not entirely sure if they heard you right. And then, I'd like to think that you outlined your plan to your team. Made them believe, if the media and the fans and the rest of the vultures never would. If this plan fails, it's your coaching career. If it succeeds, well... it's your coaching career.

To the defense, first.

"I know every single one of you sees this as a vote of no confidence. I want you to know that this isn't the truth. I know you can stop Manning, I just watched you do it twice. (I'd like to think you'd be smart enough not to bring up the dropped-pass loophole. Your defense's pride is wounded already, no use rubbing salt in the wound.) But stopping him isn't enough--we need to rattle him. Shake him up. Make him KNOW that he isn't the new Golden Boy, the Man Who Can Do No Wrong.

He's already coming on the field confident--his two scoring drives have given him that right and then some. What we want is him coming on the field overconfident. Thinking that we're THAT convinced of his superiority that we are willing to concede the touchdown to him. We need him overconfident, and all 11 of you hungry. Because if he comes out overconfident, and you shut him down, it rattles him that much harder. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

We want him tumbling. We want him mired in self-doubt. We want every pass to have a hesitation, every at-the-line call to be self-second-guessed. And if you stop him from our 40, you've got that. You men are all professionals. Well, this is your profession. Right here. One drive, for everything you've ever wanted. If we don't get this recovery, you've got one drive to lay it all on the line. Stop him, and I guarantee that we will win this game. Let him score, and you can spend the rest of your lives wondering what might have been. But I trust that you men can--and will--stop him when it matters. And THAT is why I'm starting the half with an onside kick."

To the offense:

"You own these guys. Plain and simple. They have seen you for 14 of the past 15 minutes, and you can bet your ass that they are sick of it. For three years now, the experts have called you guys the best offense in the game. This defense wants no part of another drive against you guys. If we recover this kick, they are looking at another long stretch on the field against the Saints Juggernaut. We have control of them. It's time to twist the knife. I know that if we can get you the ball, the game is over. There is no way that their defense comes back after three torturous drives in a row. There is no way that Manning gets into a rhythm after spending a quarter and a half on the bench. For two weeks now, the media has been hyping you guys: the Saints are an offensive team, the Saints offense is the reason they are in the Super Bowl. You've got a hell of a reputation--now is the time to live up to it."

And to the kick coverage team:

"To the ten of you men; each one of you will have a shot at making Super Bowl history. For the majority of you, your lone claim to fame up to this point in your life is that you are a member of an NFC Champion. That's all fine and good. But I am not sending the hands team out for this kick--that would give it away. I'm going to give every one of you unsung heroes a shot at immortality. One of you (possibly University of Wisconsin alum Jonathan Casillas?) will walk off of this field with the football in your hands, knowing that you just swung the momentum of a Super Bowl more fiercely than any man since Scott Norwood. For many of you guys, who fought tooth and nail to make it in this league, this is literally your opportunity of a lifetime. Make it count."

I'd like to think that this is what Sean Payton told his team at halftime. Regardless of what was actually said, let's recognize the decision for what it was--a declaration of brass balls. The decision to stand up and take your shot, rather than settling for second-best. It's a decision that not many people would be willing to make, and it is his ability to make that decision that made Sean Payton a champion.