Fit to be Tied: The USA-Slovenia Live Blog

For those of you who missed Team USA's crazy/awesome/lucky draw with England during their first match (like myself, stuck working during the second half), it might interest you to know that the team is sitting in the driver's seat for a trip through the group stage. USA! USA! USA!

(Side note: approximately one paragraph, and the game hasn't even started yet. "USA!" chant No. 1 on the day. Hope you had the "under" on that one.)

So why is this interesting? Well, the way things were supposed to pan out, the USA was supposed to get through after falling to England, then meet Germany in the first knockout round and get crushed. However, in waking up early for this live blog, I caught the end of Germany 0-1 Serbia. Not only do the Germans look vulnerable for the first time in decades, but it looks like the Americans might get Serbia, Ghana, or possibly even Australia. What does that mean? Well, we might be sticking around a lot longer than originally planned!

The ESPN commentator just said it perfectly: this isn't a "must-win" game for the Americans, but it's a "better-not-lose" game. If US Soccer is ready to make The Leap, it all comes down to finishing things against the teams you're supposed to beat. Like, for instance, Slovenia and Algeria.

So why the hell would I ever wake myself up this early for a match against an inferior team? Well, I missed our only guaranteed match against an elite team. And Eastern Europe looks hot today, so you never know.

Let's roll.

-5:00 The Slovenian National Anthem. I was expecting something that sounded more Boratesque.

-3:30 Oh say can you see...

(It just got cold in here.)

-1:50 And the music isn't done for the day! Cue up the vuvuzeelas!

(Note: I did not understand the irrational hatred for these things until now. When you're up this early, the buzzing just grinds into your nerves.)

-:30 Altidore and Findley up front, Torres getting the start in midfield to give the Americans more speed.

:00 And we're off!

:20 Injury to a Slovenian player already after a sketchy challenge by Clint Dempsey. Glad to know he's focused today.

1:30 For the record, I'm not even going to try to identify the Slovenian players. I'd spend half the game trying to figure out the spellings. Seriously.

2:00 Another ugly foul. This one is getting dirty fast.

4:50 Great counterattack, Findley almost broke free. First corner of the game to the Americans.

5:20 Bradley fails to handle the corner, and it's a goal kick. So much for that. Good to see the counterattack this early though--Findley and Altidore are good for at least one that way this morning.

6:40 Free kick into the box for Slovenia, no real challenge to Timmy Howard. Things developing slowly.

9:00 Ladies and gentlemen; the Slovenian coach, Niko Bellic!

9:32 Seriously. Spitting image, right down to the scowl and the jacket. I could see the Slovenian coach smoking a cigarette on the sideline and glaring death at everyone who dares comment on it. Instantly like him.

12:00 I feel cheated. I made the effort to wake up for this game. Early on, it looks like Jozy Altidore didn't.

12:50 Slovenian goal. Shot from just outside the box into the corner. Tim Howard gets caught out of position, he didn't even try to stop it.

14:50 Free kick into the box, the Slovenian keeper punches it away. Ian Darke isn't even making an effort on this guy--he's simply calling him "the Slovenian keeper." High comedy.

16:20 Findley and Altidore get a break, Jozy can't bring in the final pass and The Slovenian Keeper clears it. That's his new official name, so I'm capitalizing it the rest of the way.

17:10 Michael Bradley sails a shot from about 50 yards out. Second time he's missed the net already--it's worth mentioning that he's the coach's son. You normally never see that once you hit high school.

20:00 "Twinkle-toed run from Donovan."  Thanks, Ian. That was just etched in stone as Reason #213249 Why Americans Will Never Pick Up Soccer En Masse.  Seriously, ESPN, why not spend a little more to get Clive Tyldsley again?  Darke is like a homeless man's Tyldsley.  I'll never understand this.

21:43 Novakovic breaks free on a free kick, and almost gets to it to poke it past Howard, followed by the Americans getting a few guys into the box and threatening. Very fast-paced game at this point. Americans are setting the tempo, hopefully that'll help with the whole comeback thing.

25:00 Corner to Slovenia. Tim Howard complaining that it stayed in. Luckily, nothing happens off the corner.

26:40 Novakovic is offsides. Not promising, the number of chances the Slovenians are getting. They're playing the Americans' game, and they're playing it better.

27:30 Bradley thinks twice about missing again, passes off to Donovan, who delivers it in to Dempsey who just can't finish. Good development though.

28:50 Howard chases down a set kick to knock it out, saving the corner. Would've loved to see that kind of effort on the goal.

30:40 Half hour in, we have yet to hear any announcer raise their voice. Never good for a soccer match. Even the goal just sort of happened.

32:00 Shot of several American fans. They look pissed to be there. One guy is texting. Passionate people, these are.

34:00 I apologize for the sparseness of the postings, but there is nothing going on. Two teams that play a very patient (read: boring) style. Lots of defenders passing within one another, lots of holding.

35:00 Bostjan Cesar (Slovenian defender) knocks down Jozy Altidore on a run, getting the first booking of the day. Free kick on the right edge for the Americans. Trying to rile myself awake.

35:40 Seven Americans in the box.

36:00 Torres takes a crack at the goal, and The Slovenian Keeper just parries it. Huge save, and a corner.

36:28 Demerit takes a long header, and he just misses by a few feet. No goal, but important signs of life for America. Slovenian player is injured, and being attended to.

38:30 Good break for America again. Donovan steals a pass in the offensive end, finds Findley, and he botches the pass, but it's out for the corner.

39:00 Everyone is confused. Findley getting a yellow card for an aleeged handball, replay shows that it got him in the face. He has to miss the Algeria match. "An absolutely ridiculous decision, one of the stupidest decisions I have ever seen."  Maybe Ian Darke isn't all that bad.

(Note from my postgame edit: file that thought under "Obvious Foreshadowing."  It will become relevant later.)

40:00 VERY near miss for the American attack. Corner coming. Something's gonna happen here, the announcers are buzzing. As are the vuvuzeelas. D'oh.

40:50 Cherundolo launches a shot from midfield. Replay of the near goal--the Slovenian defender beat Donovan to the ball by maybe a tenth of a second. THAT close to a goal.

41:25 2-0 Slovenia. No offsides. No defense from America, now that you mention it. Ljubijanic beat his marker with little effort, and Howard couldn't sprawl out and interfere.  Bob Bradley looks like he owes money that he doesn't have. I should've just fucking slept in.

42:20 The collective American defense today has to equal at least three fourths of a John Shuster. And it might get worse.

43:00 That's devastating. USA was firmly in control of the flow, looked like it was only a matter of time until they equalized. Now, they look like they just got surprise sexed.  Does anyone know how to play taps on a vuvuzeela?

44:30 Michael Bradley arguing a free kick, saying he won the ball clean. The replay proves otherwise. Not a great start for him.

45:00 Two minutes of added time.

46:50 The Americans play for the last attack, and fail to do anything off of the long ball. Halftime. Americans down 2-0. What a depressing way to start my day.  Hey, at least if we beat Algeria we'll be bowl eligible.

Halftime thoughts: The Americans pooped in the refrigerator that half. An all-around brutal performance. The defense was gawd-awful, Bradley and Dempsey are sloppy, and Altidore, Findley, and Donovan aren't doing enough to make up for it. We've gone from talking about the Americans going deep into the tournament to almost certainly not even advancing out of group play. Halftime grades: Slovenia, B+; USA F; Vuvuzeela Orchestra D-.

45:00 Sure enough, two substitutions for the Americans. Torres and Findley coming out, Dempsey moving to forward, Maurice Edu and Benny Feilhaber coming on.  It's worth noting that the only person who ever went by "Benny" to matter is Benny Hill.  I don't trust this guy.  He's a blue-chipper for the JP Losman All Stars--guys who still go by nicknames that you should stop using when your balls drop.  For some reason, these guys are ALWAYS unreliable.  You're really gonna trust a guy who still goes by Benny?

46:30 Americans building up an early attack. Slovenian defense is bending but not breaking. The Slovenian Keeper is on his game.

47:00 Ian Darke is desperate. "If they can just get one goal, they can get back in it!"

47:20 And Landon Donovan gets that goal! Great break down the side, great controlled approach, great shot from the side of the goal to put it in. He took it with confidence, and that made all the difference.  And before it all, a great long ball.  The Slovenian Keeper looked like he'd rather not try and stop that one.

48:30 The only time the Americans have ever come back from a 2-0 halftime defecit to win? 1995, in a friendly with Saudi Arabia. It's been mentioned about a half dozen times now, so I thought you'd need to know.

49:40 Slovenia down to ten men temporarily due to injury, Americans with a free kick in the offensive end.

50:00 Very nearly equalized! Donovan almost put it in off of the free kick, and Onyewu almost tipped it in, too.

50:50 Irony ftw: in this exact stadium, USA blew the final against Brazil last year after leading 2-0 at the half. Could they do the reverse today?

51:40 The defense has to stiffen up here. We've got the momentum, can't afford to let it slip away again.

53:00 Slovenia on the break... now on the attack... nothing of it.

53:40 Another replay of the Donovan goal. That thing was not gonna be stopped. A tracer bullet from point-blank range.

55:50 Counterattack from Slovenia off of an American offensive setup, but Howard collects it at the other end.

57:40 Altidore breaks past his man and is taken down outside the box. No call. Personally, we got hosed on that one.

(Again, postgame edit: obvious foreshadowing)

58:05 Donovan fouled. American free kick, maybe 35 yards out.

58:40 Slovenian defender Kirm hurt. Replay shows Dempsey damn near Suplexing him. To be fair, Kirm took a few shots at him first. Should've been a penalty before anything else.

60:40 Hand ball called on Edu. Free kick from the right side to cross for Slovenia. Punched away by Howard.

62:30 Altidore and Suler tangled up on a long ball, Slovenia free kick. John Harkes is openly questioning the impartiality of the referees.

64:20 Great work by the Americans working the ball down the field to get a chance. Good passing, good use of aerial balls. This is promising--though if they are going to win, they will need to score soon to draw level.

68:10 Altidore taken down on the edge of the box. Yellow card to Marko Suler. Harkes thinks it should be a red. He's not even bothering to fake impartiality. Love it.

(To be fair?  It should've been a red.  Jozy had gotten around him, and would've had a one on one with the keeper.  That's an automatic red card.)

69:25 Donovan to take the kick...

69:40 Altidore ended up with it at the penalty spot falling away: The Slovenian Keeper holds it. Right place at the right time. Dempsey thought he might have got a penalty, too. So close...

71:10 Bizarre sight: Howard with possession bringing the ball out, and no other players on his side of the field.

71:40 Krim goes into the book. Free kick USA, again.

72:00 Felharber with a feeble effort, held. USA has one sub left.

72:30 Jozy wins a throw deep.

73:00 Slovenia going to bring on Pecnik, taking of Ljubiankic. He was the second one to score.

74:00 Dempsey almost scores off of a long throw, and a foul called on USA.

74:30 Another Slovenian booking. Jokic this time. Quite a hard challenge to Donovan. The Slovenians are playing nasty defending their lead.

76:20 Looked like the Americans were about to develop something... unfortunately, Donovan ran out of space.

76:50 Altidore with a long strike, sails it way wide.  "13 minutes until I never care about soccer again"--every American.

77:58 Fehlharber with a nice run, lost it outside the box though. We need better.

78:20 Nasty tie up on the sideline for the ball. It's getting physical.

79:00 Herculez Gomez is checking in. Onyewu coming off. An attacker for a defender. Might as well at this point.

80:18 America will finish out in the 3-4-3.

80:32 Good shot by Bradley, saved by Keeper. I like the idea.

81:16 BRADLEY DOES IT! USA DRAWS EVEN! Great play! Altidore took the pass, laid it up for bradley, and he put it in. One of those goals that you knew was going to be scored before it happened. He's turned his game up when it counted after a rocky start--shades of Kobe last night.  Score one for nepotism!

82:30 Still almost 10 minutes to play. Anything can happen here. The Americans look to be going for the win, staying with the 3-4-3. Edu is dropping back into a DMF position, not quite as aggressive anymore.

83:50 The clothing won by the American fans is beyond absurd. It's like the 4th of July on acid.

84:18 Altidore taken down outside the box. Free kick. What a finish.

85:00 GOAL! No!  Edu called offsides. The replay shows no offsides. The Americans just got royally screwed out of a fantastic win.  Bookings have been fouls, sending-offs have been bookings, and now the capstone goal is a shady offsides.  The referee today is Koman Coulibaly.  He's from Mali.  Someone get his home address on the Internet.

85:40 Gomez taken down outside the box.

85:55 The replay shows that Michael Bradley was fouled on the play. So it should have been a penalty. But not, because the goal should have counted!  Unbelievable.

86:25 "I can speak as a neutral Englishman, the referee has been a nightmare."--Ian Darke

86:50 Slovenia on the attack. How much you want to bet that they get a shady penalty here?

87:30 Howard holds the header from the Slovenian striker. Quick response from the Americans, they are attacking again.

88:30 Weak play by Number 6 America. Turnover.

88:40 Long shot punched away by Howard. Here's his trademark "ranting at the defense." He's Dr. Perry Cox with athletic ability.

89:50 American defense holds, play pulled back.

90:11 Again, the replay. Where is the foul?

90:25 Gomez gets a chance, but sails it high.

91:52 3 minutes of added time, by the way. Looks like it's gonna be 2-2.  Come on guys, let's pull it together!  We've got another minute to get another goal chopped off!

92:30 Dempsey going down after stepping on the ball. Replay looks painful.

93:24 Slovenia going to substitute with a player injured.

94:00 Final whistle blows. Outrage. To cap it off, the injury time in extra time wasn't even added on--seems like the refs were trying to get Slovenia out of there with the point.  From Bill Simmons, via Twitter: "'The goal has been disallowed!' Who else had 'Victory' flashbacks? When NBA refs screw up at least they make makeup calls. Not in soccer."

Final thoughts: There is nothing worse than being robbed by the referees. Especially after a great comeback like that.  The draw keeps the USA alive, but it doesn't look good. Alexei Lalas just put it pretty well: it's a disgrace.  On the bright side, as I stated in the introduction, this wasn't a must-win game: it was a must-not-lose game.  And with their dominant second half, the Americans managed that.  Still, you'd rather see them controlling their own destiny--even if it looks good, you're still relying quite a bit on other results.

Farewell, Liver, We Hardly Knew Ye: The Definitive 2010 World Cup Drinking Game

In case you were unaware, the 2010 World Cup begins Friday morning.  For soccer fans, the next several weeks will be like the Olympics on crack.  Like the NCAA Tournament on steroids.  Like the Super Bowl methed out of it's mind.  Okay, maybe I need to stop making these sport-drug comparisons.

But at any rate, even if you're a non-soccer fan, the next several weeks will consist of pretending to know what "offsides" means and caring about whether Team USA can realize their destiny of taking soccer in America to new heights (spoiler alert: it's not gonna happen).  It's like a one-sport Olympics.  And if we can get behind curling and short-track speed skating in the name of nationalism, why the fuck not soccer?

I'd like to see every American give the World Cup a shot.  And I'm doing my part by making it easier for my target demographic to enjoy soccer--by pre-mixing it with a metric fuckton of alcohol.  We love sports, we love drinking, and we love kicking the living shit out of other countries.  So it is my pleasure to present to you The Definitive 2010 World Cup Drinking Game.

Before we start, a couple ground rules.

• Know your limits.  I assume NO responsibility for anything that happens to you if you follow these rules to a T, and don't have the tolerance to handle yourself.  Again, know your limits.  If you have to alter the rules to better reflect your drinking ability--do it.  KNOW YOUR LIMITS.  I love my readers, and it would kill me to know that I was responsible for one of their deaths.  FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, KNOW YOUR LIMITS.
• Remember the point of this exercise: to watch world-class athletic competition and to get hammered.  Arguing about the rules, or he said/she said issues gets in the way of both of these.  Over the literally thousands of hours of soccer played, there are going to be some missed drinks.  Accept this.
• This is one man's list, with heavy influence from a number of other lists.  Too many to list here.  Know that I wanted to make this thing as glorious as possible--which means it samples heavily from what is already out there.  Some of the rules are original, some have already been used in other drinking games.  It's not an original concept.  That's gonna happen sometimes.
• This list is not finished.  Reader input is welcomed.  I'm gonna miss stuff, and if it's good, I'd like to include it after the fact.  The World Cup happens every 4 years, and I'd like to make this one a recurring theme.

With that said, let's get this shitshow on the road.

Standard Rules:

• Drink every time the referee blows his whistle.
• Drink once for every goal scored by a striker.
• Drink twice for every goal scored by a midfielder.
• Drink three times for every goal scored by a defender.
• Finish your drink, and shotgun a beer, for every goal scored by a goalie.
• If the goal scored had an assist, drink double.
• Finish your drink for every yellow card, shotgun for every red card.
• Before kickoff, select a side and chug throughout their national anthem.
• Using the same side from kickoff, take a drink for every player over the age of 33 in your starting lineup.
• Using the same side from kickoff, chug every time their captain (the guy with the armband) is in possession of the ball.
• Using the same side, any time that side tries to argue a call with a referee, drink once for every player surrounding the referee.
• If a goal is scored off of a free kick, finish your drink.
• If any games go to a penalty shootout, drink once for every goal conceded by your side from above.  Chug until the next kick if your team fails to convert by missing or being stopped.
• Whenever an announcer refers to the World Cup as “the first ever World Cup in Africa” or “A big step for African sports,” finish your drink.
• Drink for any shots of celebrities in the stands.  One drink per celeb pointed out.
• A round of shots must be taken after every goal scored by Honduras or New Zealand.
• If you make someone laugh and spill on themselves while drinking, they have to take a shame-shot.
• Whenever the camera shows a shot of a “foreign hottie” in the crowd, the last person to yell “I’d tap that” drinks.
• Drink anytime any goalkeeper is referred to as a “penalty-saving specialist.”  Finish your beer if he lets a penalty in within 5 minutes of this.
• Drink twice every time the announcers compare a current player to a former player.
• Finish your drink every time David Beckham’s name is mentioned during setup for a free kick.
• Chug every time an announcer says that this “might be the year for an African team.”
• Drink every time an announcer accuses a player of diving.
• Cliché watch: drink every time Brazil are referred to as “skillful,” Germany “efficient,” England “gutsy,” and Korea “busy.”
• Take a shot every time Cristiano Ronaldo is shown fixing his hair during a stoppage in play.
• Drink every time Ronaldinho makes a completely unnecessary pass.
• Drink every time offsides is called.
• Drink every time political discussion about North Korea comes up during a match.  Drink twice if North Korea isn’t even playing.
• Take a shot for every puff piece about corruption or poverty in Africa.
• Drink every time a sub is shown on a warm-up bike.
• Finish your drink if punches are thrown.
• Chug until the streaker is apprehended.
• Drink for any World Cup records broken.
• Drink for any attempts that measure out to 45m or longer.

Team USA Rules:

• Any time Landon Donovan has the ball and the American announcer screams out his name like he is about to do something amazing, the last person to fake an orgasm has to drink.
• Drink every time the American announcer completely ignores a replay of an American player flopping. Drink every time the American announcer goes absolutely ballistic over an opposing player's flop. If the two happen within 5 minutes of each other on the game clock, finish your drink.
• If one US defender passes to another US defender, then the second defender passes back to the first one, take a drink. If the first one then passes to the second one again, take another. Keep going until a third player touches the ball.
• Chug every time a US defender passes back to Tim Howard.
• Any time Landon Donovan’s stint at Everton is mentioned, drink.
• Any time Clint Dempsey’s goal against Juventus is mentioned, drink.
• Every time Tim Howard snaps after a missed shot, take a drink for every defender he goes off on.
• Drink for every shot or mention of Barack Obama.
• Drink until blacked out if USA beats England.
• Any time Jozy Altidore is referred to as “the future of Team USA,” finish your drink.
• Chug if Tim Howard saves a penalty. 

Team Australia Rules:

• Every time “Kewel” and “Injury” are mentioned in the same sentence, drink.
• Take a shot any time anyone mentions Josh Kennedy looking like Jesus.
• Every time Tommy Oar is called “the next Harry Kewell,” finish your drink.
• If someone refers to the Australian League as a “respectable league,” finish your drink.
• Drink every time Scott McDonald misses a shot.  Finish if the announcers defend him as “proficient at club level.”
• Every time Craig Moore touches the ball, the last person to check that they still have both testicles drinks.
• If an opposing player receives three yellow cards before being sent off (again), all alcohol in the building must be consumed within the hour.
• Any time a highlight of Australia vs. Japan in 2006 is shown, drink.  If Tim Cahill’s goal is shown, chug until live action resumes.

Team Mexico Rules:

• Every time someone is described as “The best striker out of Mexico since Hugo Sanchez,” finish your drink.
• Drink whenever Cuahutemoc Blanco tries to bunny hop over someone.
• If watching on the Spanish language channel (which is HIGHLY recommended): drink for as long as the announcer shouts “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!”
• Drink whenever you can see a forward swear in Spanish after he misses.  Finish if they actually show the replay and you can hear it.
• Drink every time a Mexican player crosses himself.

Team New Zealand Rules:

• Drink every time the All Blacks are mentioned.
• Drink every time it is brought up that NZ’s last World Cup appearance was in 1982.
• Drink every time New Zealand’s friendly victory over Serbia is mentioned.
• Drink every time Rory Fallon appears on screen, finish your drink if his father is mentioned.
• Drink every time Ryan Nelsen wins an aerial challenge, chug if the announcers then mention him playing for Blackburn.
• Chug everytime a snide remark is made about New Zealand’s chances of competing in the World Cup.
• Drink every time New Zealand and Australia are mentioned within the same sentence.

Team England Rules:

• Any time an announcer mentions Ryan Giggs choosing to play for Wales over England, finish your drink.
• Every time a commentator mentions David Beckham during an England game, the last player to touch their Achilles’ tendon drinks.
• Drink every time the announcers discuss John Terry and the captaincy.
• Every time England’s poor penalty record is noted, drink.
• Drink continuously while Fabio Capello is on screen.

6/7/2010: The End of an Error

Yesterday, the Milwaukee Brewers finally realized that pencils have erasers.  After three-plus years of varying levels of failure, they finally cut ties with the sad-sack Jeff Suppan, costing the team over $10 million for the rest of the season.

To summarize: the team is paying $10 million dollars to Suppan in order for him to do absolutely nothing.  And the fans are thrilled about it.  So, yes, Soup: you have gotten that bad that paying you $10 million to do nothing is preferable to paying you $12 million to pitch.  Not a good sign.  It's mildly ironic that such an abortion of a contract would be terminated with 4 months still left on it.

The thing is, Suppan was never that good.  When we signed him, the general consensus from Brewer Nation was "This is our big-name savior?"  At the time, he was 32 years old and coming off of a successful, but not dominating, stint in St. Louis.  It was Suppan's masterful performance in the 2006 NLCS, winning both of his starts, that catapulted him to the forefront of a pretty weak free agent class.  Under the new ownership of Mark Attanasio, the team looked both to beef up payroll and show that they were serious about winning.  So, inexplicably, they signed Suppan--a journeyman back-end starter who had just so happened to crank it up for two weeks.  I instantly granted him provisional access to the Michael Redd All-Stars, for franchise-crushingly bad contracts, pending his suckitude.  Now that all is said and done, nobody would argue against his inclusion.

Let's analyze Suppan using a little tool I like to call the Bad Free Agent Signing Checklist.  If your favorite team signs a player, just hold him up against the list to see if you should be smiling or queasy.

-The player played out of his shoes on a high-pressure level, which has artificially inflated his value.  Check.  The difference between $5.5 million a year and $12 million a year for Suppan was his 2006 NLCS MVP award.  This is seen far more often in the NBA (Hedo Turkoglu being the best recent example), but the rest of the major sports aren't immune to it.
-The player is just short of his prime and looks ready to make The Leap, but he demands to be paid like he has already made it OR The player is at the tail end of his prime, will most certainly be a shell of his former self by the end of the contract, yet demands to be paid like he will maintain his current level of production forever.  Check.  Suppan clearly fits the second criteria.  How anyone could've thought that he would still be worth eight figures a year at age 35 when the track record of mid-30s pitchers argues against it is beyond me.
-Somehow, the player is in a favorable market that allows him to maximize the cash he can squeeze out of potential suitors.  Check.  Clearly, the Brewers weren't going to get Dice-K that off-season.  So the best remaining options included Suppan, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Gil Meche, Randy Wolf, or Barry Zito.  After Zito (who you have to remember was coming off of a MONSTER run with the A's before spontaneously combusting in San Fran), we're talking about a massive drop-off.  So the likes of Suppan, Lilly, and Meche were able to turn a weak market into overlarge contracts.
(Note: This phenomenon usually occurs in one of three ways.  Either an above average player capitalizes a shallow FA pool like noted above, an above average player capitalizes on a successful run with a successful team to squeeze franchise status and money out of an also-ran (also applicable in the Suppan example), or the converse of the second option: a player establishes himself as the only legitimate player on a shitty team, and leverages that into superstar money (Michael Redd is a painful local example though, on a national scale, Andre Iguodala might be objectively a little bit worse.)
-The team is desperate to be seen doing anything to build a contender.  Check.  When the past two criteria combine, you KNOW you are in trouble.  And in this case, the new owner wanted to distance himself from the old owner, who had spent the better part of 15 years refusing to spend money on ballplayers.  The result?  The team took one look at the above list of pitchers, said "We don't really like any of them too much but we need to do something, and settled on Suppan.  "We know it's a bad decision long-term, but we need something to look good short-term," has never been the justification of a successful investment.
-The player is injury-prone enough to scare the shit out of your team committing so much cash to him--and, in the event that he blows his knee out in 82 places, you would not be shocked.  Doesn't apply here--the one positive thing that can still be said about Suppan is that he's durable.

But hey--we signed him for the playoffs!  He's an October hero!  When this team gets over the top, you all are gonna be damn glad we overpaid for him!

Wait, here's Suppan's line from his start against the Phillies:
3 IP 6H 5R 5ER 2BB 3K 1WP and a series-clinching L

Thanks for the memories, Jeff.  Now please give us some of our money back.

(Side note: feel free to measure up players of your choice against the Bad Free Agent Signing Checklist in the Comments section.  I'm interested to see how well this thing holds up.)