Dear NFL Management,
Over the past several weeks of the preseason, you have locked out your referees. I'm telling you here: you need to reverse course. This week's announcement that the replacement refs would continue into at least Week 1 of the regular season was not good news for anyone--lest of all, you. Like I said--reverse course. You're not going to like the one you're headed down.
If you would, please look back on America roughly a century ago. What were the Big Three of sports? Baseball, boxing, and horse racing. A hundred years later, baseball remains--joined instead by basketball and football.
Boxing's demise, in particular, is one that needs to be highlighted. The sport alienated itself with one too many punch-drunk, enfeebled old man hobbling around with visible brain damage. Young athletes saw this, and steered clear of boxing en masse. The talent pool dried up, and the interest followed--America is only very mildly interested in watching the best of Eastern Europe and the Caribbean slug it out for world supremacy. A century ago, would Kevin Durant be a heavyweight champion with devastating quickness, an explosive hook, and the best reach in history? Absolutely. A century from now, will Future Devin Hester be a punt returner risking his mental facilities on every play, or will he be a sneaky-effective goal scorer for the Chicago Xplosion of National Championship Lacrosse?
Either the NFL is blissfully unaware of how precariously close it hangs to losing national interest, or it is woefully overplaying its hand. The fact is, the show cannot go on without the officials. The replacement refs suck something awful. We all know it. And not only are they embarrassing to watch, they're missing calls like crazy. Pass interference has become a giant crapshoot. A shoddily-called game is a safety risk to players--the rules are largely there in place to protect them, and misenforcement causes confusion and weakens the effectiveness of the rulebook.
Yet, despite the safety concerns, the NFL is proceeding with the scabs. A year after playing chicken with the Players' Union, to much hate and discontent from the fan base. Said Players' Union, by the way, is none too impressed with being hung out to dry by the league in regards to safety. Will the players strike? Doubtful. But the fact that it's even been put on the table at some point is utter lunacy.
You'd think, for all the trouble, that the refs were making an exorbitant demand. That figure? $2.5 million per year more in salaries, plus a pension plan. That works out to a raise of just under $25k a year for each ref; per team the cost breaks up to just under $80k. Or, one rookie roster bonus.
Singing about poker, Kenny Rogers said you "gotta know when to hold 'em; know when to fold 'em." The NFL has no hand, and the world knows it. They have precious little to gain, and everything to lose. Each second they stonewall is another pull at the trigger in a crazy one-man game of Russian Roulette.
In fact, if the refs were smart, they'd come right back over the top. "We've been watching the preseason, we KNOW that you need us. The replacements are not getting the job done. We know it, you know it, the fans know it, the players know it, the media knows it. The emperor has no clothes. We're upping our demands to $5 million. Don't you dare say the league can't afford it. The league can't afford NOT to do it."
Roger Goodell should come to his senses before this happens.
The NFL is in a terribly precarious position, as boxing was at one point. If the league manages it's public relations well, makes a real commitment to player safety, and does what is necessary to keep the game safe, competitive, and entertaining (which might, at some point, involve widening the field--but that's a whole 'nother column), they can keep the golden goose alive.
But it all starts here. A show of good faith towards the men who keep the peace on the field might pay itself back many multiples over the long run.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
The Top 5 Madden Games of All Time
In the timeless words of Aaron Froh, a "happy maddenoliday" to all of you. Today marks the release of Madden '13, which EA Sports is hailing as "the best installment of the game yet!" They don't tell you that their grading criteria for "best" is "which one can we get people to fork over $60 plus add-ons for?" In their defense, you never asked.
Every year the Madden people make this claim, and every year the Madden fanbase calls "bullshit," before grumpily handing their credit card to the greasy local Gamestop cashier. Statistically speaking, they HAD to have been on the money with their "best ever!" claim at least once. Maybe a couple different times. But, the question remains--when?
That is why we're publishing the Top 5 list today. Why top 5? It just seemed to shake out that way. Besides, there's only 20 choices--is the second quartile of EA's efforts really that worthy of recognition?
5. John Madden Football '92
Talk about a trip down memory lane. Our video game systems in the early '90s were still only marginally better than the games that could be programmed into a graphing calculator. This particular game wasn't even licensed by the NFL or NFLPA--in fact, "Tecmo Super Bowl 2" was a much bigger deal at the time.
But the Madden series survived, and this was the first time they had any of the following:
Because the '94 version of the game didn't have players getting trucked by ambulances. Checkmate.
Had EA shown the foresight to get Pat Summerall's voice into the game before 1994, and combined the ambulance with Pat's classically deadpanned "Oh no... there's a man down," this game would be even higher on the list.
4. Madden '03
It took EA precisely two years after the advent of the PS2 Generation of systems to realize "hey, wait, we've got all this processing power and we're just porting souped-up versions of our old 16-bit menu music. Let's fix this problem!" Madden '03 was the first game to license their own menu music, and also introduced the concept of minigames. A huge win and a little win. Penalty points for being the first game to not have a commentary team of Madden and Summerall. Al Michaels wasn't terrible, but 2003 marked the first step on the road to Cris Collinsworth. Not fucking cool.
3. Madden '99
And this game's includion is precisely WHY Madden '13 will never grace this list. Madden '99 introduced legions of sports fans to Franchise Mode.
Sure, it was choppy and buggy. You'd never get a QB worth drafting unless you got a Top 4 pick. The draft was only four rounds long. After three or four years, every team had a kicker and punter with an overall rating over 95, and the free agent scrap heap was littered with 85-95 rated kickers. Drafted players in Franchise mode lacked school info or even first names. And the actual gameplay itself that year was notoriously glitchy (the only penalties legitimately called were encroachment, false start, delay of game, and offsides; holding was called if your QB held the ball too long). But I can't even begin to fathom the centuries worth of man-hours of productivity that got sunk into Franchise Mode over the years.
This year, Madden decided to scrap it, claiming that the experience is melded into "Connected Careers Mode." Look, EA. We all tried Superstar mode. On paper, it was the greatest idea ever. But the reason your focus groups kept telling you to keep Franchise mode is because the gameplay in Superstar SUCKS. For some reason, your little brother NCAA College Football can include both modes and make them both ridiculously addicting. Why can't you?
2. Madden '05
Is this a loaded list? You betcha. Four of the five choices were made primarily for arbitrary reasons. This is one of them, and that's because I absolutely ran shit when it came to Madden '05 online. See, there was a glitch that year where you could spread your defensive line, have them all rush to the outside, and you'd get pressure on every single play. I figured this one out before anyone else online, and managed to work my way into the Top 50 on the PS2 online leaderboard.
Does this game still deserve such billing? Oh, you bet. EA developed the Hit Stick for that year's game, and may have indirectly led to the NFL's currently continuing concussion crisis. Alliteration aside, there have been precious few advancements in the field of shit-talking during my lifetime. I'd rank them in the following:
Like Franchise Mode, the Hit Stick no longer features in the games. Unlike Franchise Mode, there is actually a legitimate reason for it--kids play these games, kids emulate the amped-up bone-rocking shots, kids give themselves concussions, kids turn into vegetables later in life. That does not, for one fraction of a second, make me miss it any less.
1. Madden '10
The most important lesson you need to learn to become a functioning adult is this: Life isn't fair.
Technically, I became an adult on December 17, 2006, when I turned 18. Technically, it's a "transition" that we never truly 100% complete. But I do remember learning about fairness at the hands of Madden '11 two summers ago. My buddy across the street had bought the new game before I had. He brought it over; we picked our teams through the "each spam randoms until a fair matchup pops up." He had Vince Young and the Titans. I had Derek Anderson and the Cardinals. He spent the next hour or so running around in the backfield like a chicken with its head cut off, then launching off-balance prayers towards his wideouts in the endzone. I lost 70-3 to this strategy.
I've never paid for a Madden game since. The gameplay of Madden '10 was like a fine cigar--every subtle piece accentuating the next, and working towards a big picture of complex perfection. The player collisions were realistic--the main gripe with the past few installments had been how remarkably easy arm-tackling was. The playcalling system was simple enough to grasp, yet difficult enough that you actually felt like an NFL coach executing a gameplan. The passing game was realistic as hell--mistakes were punished, and the margin of error for those mistakes shrunk exponentially if you were tring to make a throw that wasn't possible IRL. You truly needed to know the game of football, inside and out, to master this one. And, while EA's money-grubbing was picking up steam, it had not yet reached epic proportions. Just tons of in-game ads, mostly for Snickers. I actually enjoyed having "Patrick Chewing" as a draftable wideout, and the "Chews wisely!" advice before every coin toss.
But I guess I was the only one. The focus groups complained about the difficultly of the passing game and, next season, we were back to every quarterback with an ounce of speed turning into a cross between Michael Vick and Jesus himself. Meanwhile, everything that could be turned into a monetized add-on was. Want to draft like it's the '02 engine again and you can see every rookie's stats? Ten dollars! Make it twenty, and we'll tell you EXACTLY how his ratings will play out every season. For under a hundred bucks you can build an unstoppable super team and flatten the CPU resistance!
I'm probably not going to get a chance to play Madden '13--it's been nearly two years now since I had a working XBox 360, and I've got several thousand dollars worth of other expenses that take priority. But from what I've heard, I'm not missing a whole lot.
Every year the Madden people make this claim, and every year the Madden fanbase calls "bullshit," before grumpily handing their credit card to the greasy local Gamestop cashier. Statistically speaking, they HAD to have been on the money with their "best ever!" claim at least once. Maybe a couple different times. But, the question remains--when?
That is why we're publishing the Top 5 list today. Why top 5? It just seemed to shake out that way. Besides, there's only 20 choices--is the second quartile of EA's efforts really that worthy of recognition?
5. John Madden Football '92
Talk about a trip down memory lane. Our video game systems in the early '90s were still only marginally better than the games that could be programmed into a graphing calculator. This particular game wasn't even licensed by the NFL or NFLPA--in fact, "Tecmo Super Bowl 2" was a much bigger deal at the time.
But the Madden series survived, and this was the first time they had any of the following:
- Instant replay
- Varying weather conditions
- A two-player mode (!)
- Audibles
- Pass Interference calls
- Injuries
Because the '94 version of the game didn't have players getting trucked by ambulances. Checkmate.
Had EA shown the foresight to get Pat Summerall's voice into the game before 1994, and combined the ambulance with Pat's classically deadpanned "Oh no... there's a man down," this game would be even higher on the list.
4. Madden '03
It took EA precisely two years after the advent of the PS2 Generation of systems to realize "hey, wait, we've got all this processing power and we're just porting souped-up versions of our old 16-bit menu music. Let's fix this problem!" Madden '03 was the first game to license their own menu music, and also introduced the concept of minigames. A huge win and a little win. Penalty points for being the first game to not have a commentary team of Madden and Summerall. Al Michaels wasn't terrible, but 2003 marked the first step on the road to Cris Collinsworth. Not fucking cool.
3. Madden '99
And this game's includion is precisely WHY Madden '13 will never grace this list. Madden '99 introduced legions of sports fans to Franchise Mode.
Sure, it was choppy and buggy. You'd never get a QB worth drafting unless you got a Top 4 pick. The draft was only four rounds long. After three or four years, every team had a kicker and punter with an overall rating over 95, and the free agent scrap heap was littered with 85-95 rated kickers. Drafted players in Franchise mode lacked school info or even first names. And the actual gameplay itself that year was notoriously glitchy (the only penalties legitimately called were encroachment, false start, delay of game, and offsides; holding was called if your QB held the ball too long). But I can't even begin to fathom the centuries worth of man-hours of productivity that got sunk into Franchise Mode over the years.
This year, Madden decided to scrap it, claiming that the experience is melded into "Connected Careers Mode." Look, EA. We all tried Superstar mode. On paper, it was the greatest idea ever. But the reason your focus groups kept telling you to keep Franchise mode is because the gameplay in Superstar SUCKS. For some reason, your little brother NCAA College Football can include both modes and make them both ridiculously addicting. Why can't you?
2. Madden '05
Is this a loaded list? You betcha. Four of the five choices were made primarily for arbitrary reasons. This is one of them, and that's because I absolutely ran shit when it came to Madden '05 online. See, there was a glitch that year where you could spread your defensive line, have them all rush to the outside, and you'd get pressure on every single play. I figured this one out before anyone else online, and managed to work my way into the Top 50 on the PS2 online leaderboard.
Does this game still deserve such billing? Oh, you bet. EA developed the Hit Stick for that year's game, and may have indirectly led to the NFL's currently continuing concussion crisis. Alliteration aside, there have been precious few advancements in the field of shit-talking during my lifetime. I'd rank them in the following:
- The Internet (now not only possible, but encouraged, to talk shit across great distances)
- Beer Pong
- The Hit Stick
Like Franchise Mode, the Hit Stick no longer features in the games. Unlike Franchise Mode, there is actually a legitimate reason for it--kids play these games, kids emulate the amped-up bone-rocking shots, kids give themselves concussions, kids turn into vegetables later in life. That does not, for one fraction of a second, make me miss it any less.
1. Madden '10
The most important lesson you need to learn to become a functioning adult is this: Life isn't fair.
Technically, I became an adult on December 17, 2006, when I turned 18. Technically, it's a "transition" that we never truly 100% complete. But I do remember learning about fairness at the hands of Madden '11 two summers ago. My buddy across the street had bought the new game before I had. He brought it over; we picked our teams through the "each spam randoms until a fair matchup pops up." He had Vince Young and the Titans. I had Derek Anderson and the Cardinals. He spent the next hour or so running around in the backfield like a chicken with its head cut off, then launching off-balance prayers towards his wideouts in the endzone. I lost 70-3 to this strategy.
I've never paid for a Madden game since. The gameplay of Madden '10 was like a fine cigar--every subtle piece accentuating the next, and working towards a big picture of complex perfection. The player collisions were realistic--the main gripe with the past few installments had been how remarkably easy arm-tackling was. The playcalling system was simple enough to grasp, yet difficult enough that you actually felt like an NFL coach executing a gameplan. The passing game was realistic as hell--mistakes were punished, and the margin of error for those mistakes shrunk exponentially if you were tring to make a throw that wasn't possible IRL. You truly needed to know the game of football, inside and out, to master this one. And, while EA's money-grubbing was picking up steam, it had not yet reached epic proportions. Just tons of in-game ads, mostly for Snickers. I actually enjoyed having "Patrick Chewing" as a draftable wideout, and the "Chews wisely!" advice before every coin toss.
But I guess I was the only one. The focus groups complained about the difficultly of the passing game and, next season, we were back to every quarterback with an ounce of speed turning into a cross between Michael Vick and Jesus himself. Meanwhile, everything that could be turned into a monetized add-on was. Want to draft like it's the '02 engine again and you can see every rookie's stats? Ten dollars! Make it twenty, and we'll tell you EXACTLY how his ratings will play out every season. For under a hundred bucks you can build an unstoppable super team and flatten the CPU resistance!
I'm probably not going to get a chance to play Madden '13--it's been nearly two years now since I had a working XBox 360, and I've got several thousand dollars worth of other expenses that take priority. But from what I've heard, I'm not missing a whole lot.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Fantasy Island: Compete to Be Grantland's Fantasy Football Writer
I decided to submit an entry, if only because it would allow me to fulfill my lifelong dream of "finding a career that doesn't require you to wear pants."
If you’re reading this right now, it’s safe to assume you’re a fantasy football gamer. Or, you were catching up on Snooki’s latest escapades, saw a shirtless Rob Gronkowski, and investigated. It’s not important, really.
What is important, you ask? The soaring costs of essentials: milk, eggs, beer. The depressing fucking Presidential election (2004: Part Deux!). Fixing your sorry social life.
Spoiler alert: this column is not about any of those things. Those things are all terribly depressing. Fantasy Football, on the other hand, is exciting. You and your old buddies from high school may have gotten boring jobs, ugly spouses, and disappointing children—but you can still stick it in their faces that you had the foresight to draft Ray Rice and Jordy Nelson last year. So motivated by another year of schadenfreude, let’s look at our Top 5 and Sleeper.
1. 1. Arian Foster
The best player gets the first pick. Foster is an injury risk, and that’s really the only knock you can come up with for the guy. I drafted LaDanian Tomlinson for two years in a row, and made the league title game both years. The second time around, I got him with the second pick—somebody tried to get cute and go with Larry Johnson at one overall. Just ask Jamarcus Russell how flirting with “potential” works out at one overall.
2. 2. Ray Rice
Yeah, he broke out big last year—and that always carries with it some bounceback risk. But I’ve been pimping Rice for years now—I’m not about to hop off the bandwagon now that we’ve renovated and added club seating.
3. 3. Aaron Rodgers
I’ve gotten used to having Aaron Rodgers as my quarterback. It’s a really nice feeling. I’d advise it for anyone. At three overall, I’m taking the familiar comfort of Rodgers over rolling the dice with Ryan Mathews and crapping out again. And LeSean McCoy? What happens when Vick inevitably gets hurt, and he’s lining up behind (gulp) Trent Edwards? Please, tell me about smallish backs who run into 8- and 9-man fronts for two straight years and don’t explode. I’ll wait.
Every year, someone who picked in the top 5 inevitably stumbles to a 2-win finish. At this point in the draft, your mission is clear: Don’t Be That Guy.
4. 4. Calvin Johnson
As a Packer fan, I know all too well how it feels to be lined up against him—as a multi-time fantasy owner of his, I know how comforting he can be in that format. You’re gonna get cute and hope Chris Johnson can rejuvenate himself two years after Jeff Fisher rode him into the ground like a horse in quicksand? And when’s the last time Maurice Jones-Drew won a fantasy title? If Tiki Barber was the Reuben of Fantasy Football, MJD is the spinning rims—a luxury item possessed in great disproportion by people who are not winners.
5. 5. LeSean McCoy
McCoy could very well be that “Top 5 pick who ends up in the toilet” referenced above. That’s why picking fifth this year involves strategy. With all the best options off the board, your smart play is to grab McCoy. Wait a couple weeks, and just think about what Vick did for his backs two seasons ago. Then, sell high. If the team that nabbed Rodgers or Megatron starts out 0-2 or 0-3, try and swing them into a panic deal. If you’re lucky, you might end up even better off than if you had “won” the random draft order and drafted them.
Sleeper: Michael Vick
Yes, I’m counting Ron Mexico as a sleeper this year. He’s not going until the fourth round on average. If you don’t have a QB by then, roll the dice with Vick. If he doesn’t get hurt, you’re going to win your league. Shit, he can get hurt as long as he’s back for the fantasy playoffs. If he goes on a tear for the first few weeks, you could deal him for FAR more value than the 44th pick (his ADP). If the draft market doesn’t give you one of the Big Three , ride that Vick like you’re trying to pay off your tuition.
DISCLAIMER: As always, advice is for entertainment purposes only. If your dumb ass decides to listen to someone whose sign-off advertises him as “having finished in 2nd place enough times to start perennially naming his teams ‘Buffalo Bills,’” it’s for the best: you probably weren’t going to spend that money wisely anyway.
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