Fantasy Island: Compete to Be Grantland's Fantasy Football Writer

I decided to submit an entry, if only because it would allow me to fulfill my lifelong dream of "finding a career that doesn't require you to wear pants."

                If you’re reading this right now, it’s safe to assume you’re a fantasy football gamer.  Or, you were catching up on Snooki’s latest escapades, saw a shirtless Rob Gronkowski, and investigated.  It’s not important, really.

                What is important, you ask?  The soaring costs of essentials: milk, eggs, beer.  The depressing fucking Presidential election (2004: Part Deux!).  Fixing your sorry social life.

                Spoiler alert: this column is not about any of those things.  Those things are all terribly depressing.  Fantasy Football, on the other hand, is exciting.  You and your old buddies from high school may have gotten boring jobs, ugly spouses, and disappointing children—but you can still stick it in their faces that you had the foresight to draft Ray Rice and Jordy Nelson last  year.  So motivated by another year of schadenfreude, let’s look at our Top 5 and Sleeper.

1.       1. Arian Foster

The best player gets the first pick.  Foster is an injury risk, and that’s really the only knock you can come up with for the guy.  I drafted LaDanian Tomlinson for two years in a row, and made the league title game both years.  The second time around, I got him with the second pick—somebody tried to get cute and go with Larry Johnson at one overall.  Just ask Jamarcus Russell how flirting with “potential” works out at one overall.

2.       2. Ray Rice

Yeah, he broke out big last year—and that always carries with it some bounceback risk.  But I’ve been pimping Rice for years now—I’m not about to hop off the bandwagon now that we’ve renovated and added club seating. 

3.       3. Aaron Rodgers

I’ve gotten used to having Aaron Rodgers as my quarterback.  It’s a really nice feeling.  I’d advise it for anyone.  At three overall, I’m taking the familiar comfort of Rodgers over rolling the dice with Ryan Mathews  and crapping out again.  And LeSean McCoy?  What happens when Vick inevitably gets hurt, and he’s lining up behind (gulp) Trent Edwards?  Please, tell me about smallish backs who run into 8- and 9-man fronts for two straight years and don’t explode.  I’ll wait.

Every year, someone who picked in the top 5 inevitably stumbles to a 2-win finish.  At this point in the draft, your mission is clear: Don’t Be That Guy.

4.       4. Calvin Johnson

As a Packer fan, I know all too well how it feels to be lined up against him—as a multi-time fantasy owner of his, I know how comforting he can be in that format.  You’re gonna get cute and hope Chris Johnson can rejuvenate himself two years after Jeff Fisher rode him into the ground like a horse in quicksand?  And when’s the last time Maurice Jones-Drew won a fantasy title?  If Tiki Barber was the Reuben of Fantasy Football, MJD is the spinning rims—a luxury item possessed in great disproportion by people who are not winners.

5.       5. LeSean McCoy

McCoy could very well be that “Top 5 pick who ends up in the toilet” referenced above.  That’s why picking fifth this year involves strategy.  With all the best options off the board, your smart play is to grab McCoy.  Wait a couple weeks, and just think about what Vick did for his backs two seasons ago. Then, sell high.   If the team that nabbed Rodgers or Megatron starts out 0-2 or 0-3, try and swing them into a panic deal.  If you’re lucky, you might end up even better off than if you had “won” the random draft order and drafted them.

Sleeper: Michael Vick

Yes, I’m counting Ron Mexico as a sleeper this year.  He’s not going until the fourth round on average.  If you don’t have a QB by then, roll the dice with Vick.  If he doesn’t get hurt, you’re going to win your league.  Shit, he can get hurt as long as he’s back for the fantasy playoffs.  If he goes on a tear for the first few weeks, you could deal him for FAR more value than the 44^th pick (his ADP).  If the draft market doesn’t give you one of the Big Three , ride that Vick like you’re trying to pay off your tuition.

DISCLAIMER: As always, advice is for entertainment purposes only.  If your dumb ass decides to listen to someone whose sign-off advertises him as “having finished in 2^nd place enough times to start perennially naming his teams ‘Buffalo Bills,’” it’s for the best: you probably weren’t going to spend that money wisely anyway.