So Favre blew it when it mattered... WOW, WHO COULD'VE POSSIBLY SEEN THAT COMING?!
Buck up, Minnesotans. It could be worse...
(This one has officially been added to my Favorites on Youtube.)
When you play with fire, you're likely to get burned. Have a great offseason, Queens!
EDIT: Relevant enough to be added. Just realized Sean Payton was the offensive coordinator for the Giants in 2001, and is now the head coach for the Saints. Making him responsible for two of those delightful clips. Random fact of the day right there.
EDIT PART 2: This video has officially been favorited as well, and will be utilized by me any time I need to be reminded that people that suck this much exist.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
New Rules and Divisional Picks
I'm a fan of Bill Maher. I have been for quite a long time. Though I don't really agree with his ultraliberal political views, and I think he can be a bit condescending at times, I find him to be one of the most genuine people on television today. In fact, I've even got a quote of his on my Facebook page.
New Rule: If you are a fat chick sticking to her New Year's Resolution to lose weight, please make sure that your shirt is long enough.
I was inspired to create this one the other day at the gym. This is the worst time of year to work out in a gym*--all the doughy types who have sat around for 11 months make the same, tired resolution they make every year: to work out more. Like always, it never lasts. But for two or three weeks, you get treated to the tragicomedy of them looking quizzically at exercise machines like Derek Zoolander looking at a computer, waddling around the track, looking longingly at the smoothie bar (which is closed down for Winterim, a tragically shortsighted business decision), and--in rare, but observed cases--chain-smoking outside in between workouts. Depending on what kind of mood you're in and how busy it is otherwise, this can alternate between "the peak of hilarity" and "the peak of frustration."
There is nothing worse than That Girl, though. Since her attractive friends are all wearing tight T-shirts and short shorts (side note: no complaints from me about this), she has to do the same to fit in. The inseam of the shorts has been swallowed up by her thunder thighs. Her FUPA is threatening to emerge from a T-shirt that was NOT designed to restrain such a monster (sometimes, it's doing more than "threatening." Ugh). And may God help you if you happen to be running past when she's stretching...
Here's the thing. I'm not an unreasonable guy. I was much happier before I had to look at you on a regular basis, but I can live with it. Just please, promise that you'll cover up. Getting in shape is awesome, and if you stick with it you will look fantastic in a few months. But in the meantime, a little self-awareness goes a long way.
*Ironically, if you're stuck in Wisconsin like me, it's also the worst possible time to run outdoors. Which eliminates the most appealing alternative.
New Rule: In order to save time, MTV must combine "True Life: I Still Live With My Parents" and "True Life: I'm A Virgin" into one show.
Let's be realistic here: the Venn Diagram of those two demographics are basically two circles on top of one another. It's a recession, MTV. We've all gotta make sacrifices.
(Point of information: yes, these have both aired. More specifically, they were on back-to-back this afternoon. MTV, if you did this on purpose, I salute you. This stroke of subtle, intelligent humor almost redeems all of the shitty sequel-of-a-spinoff-of-a-spinoff-of-a-sequel-of-a-spinoff reality shows you are airing. Wait, nevermind. No it doesn't. Forget I said anything.)
New Rule: If a defensive player grabs an offensive player's facemask, it is a 15 yard penalty and a first down, regardless of said offensive player fumbling the football.
Oh, wait, this one has been on the books for decades now? I had no idea.
Pictured Above: Totally not a penalty or anything.
New Rule: One bad game does not make an entire defensive scheme useless.
A friend and I have had a season-long argument about the merits of the 4-3 vs. the 3-4. After this past weekend, he is claiming victory in the name of the 4-3. Nevermind that the team had the #1 rush defense, #5 pass defense, and #2 overall defense in the NFL this season (up from 26, 12, and 20 respectively)--on the basis that our 3-4 got shredded in one game, it is obviously inferior.
Addendum to an Old Rule: Never, ever, back a crappy QB on the road in the playoffs--unless he can be significantly hidden by the game plan.
If history has shown us anything, it's that crappy quarterbacks become infinitely crappier on unfriendly turf in the playoffs--the stage, the pressure, the unfriendly crowd, and the lack of self-confidence combine to cave in and blow the game. Need proof? Tarvaris Jackson vs. Philly in '08 (the fact that he's Tarvaris Jackson undoes any possible home-field advantage the Vikings might have enjoyed), Todd Collins at Seattle in '07, Trent Green at Indy in '06, Chad Pennington in New England in '06, Byron Leftwich in New England in '05, or Mark Brunell in Seattle in '05.
So how did two teams with crappy QBs pull off first-round road wins? By running the ball, stuffing the other offense, and making their respective weak link behind center a non-factor--the same formula that allowed Baltimore to win a Super Bowl despite the arm of Trent Dilfer.
New Rule: NBC has to reinstate Conan O'Brien to his 11:35 time slot.
Look, you got what you wanted. The Tonight Show's ratings are climbing back up. People are talking about you. "Conan on the Tonight Show" is buzz-worthy again. So why not stick with it and see what happens?
On the one hand, this makes sense--and the idea that NBC started this controversy for the sole reason of generating buzz seems both plausible and genius. On the other hand, Dick Ebersol appears to be done with Conan. So who knows.
At any rate, on to the picks.
N'AWLINS (-7) over Arizona
Here's the million dollar question: how is Drew Brees still alive today? How did he not die of a heart attack Saturday night, watching Aaron Rodgers and Kurt Warner put up a combined 778 passing yards and 96 points, the whole time thinking one thing: I get to face one of these defenses next week. The ceiling is officially removed for Brees this week--you could tell me you traveled back in time from Tuesday, and he threw for 550 yards and 7 scores, and I wouldn't even blink.
INDY (-6.5) over Baltimore
Here, we come back to my Updated Rule. If Baltimore can run over the Colts' D, get out ahead, and take the game out of Flacco's hands, they've got a shot. But what do you find more likely?
Scenario 1: Manning lights up a slightly suspect Ravens pass defense, takes the lead, and B-more has to play from behind with a potentially dry-heaving Flacco.
Scenario 2: Peyton Manning fails to move the ball at will, something that hasn't happened in over a year.
That's what I thought.
Dallas (+2.5) over MINNESOTA
If "picking Wade Phillips and Tony Romo in the playoffs" is like having a headache, "picking Brad Childress and Brett Favre in the playoffs" is like shooting yourself in the head to cure that headache. Too many question marks on this Vikingsoap opera team for me to confidently go with them. Hard to believe they can just turn it back on for the playoffs after their tumultuous end to the season.
SAN DIEGO (-7) over NY Jets
Look at everything that I said for the Baltimore-Indy matchup. Does it hold steady here? Not quite as forcefully, but the answer is still yes. I think Phillip Rivers is good enough to figure out that the Jets have no answer for Antonio Gates. I think the Jet run defense is essentially negated by the non-factor that LDT has become. I think Sanchez has to make it happen at some point, and he can't.
Then again, everything I thought last week was wrong. So take that information how you will.
"I'm the guy who thinks religion is bad and drugs are good. I think children aren't innocent, God doesn't write books, and Jesus wasn't a Republican. I think girls hate each other, no doesn't mean no and being drunk is funny. I'm for mad cow disease, how am I gonna win that? I'm against suing tobacco companies. I think abstinence is a perversion. I think Bush's lies are worse than Clinton's. I think Vegas was better when it was run by the mob. I think men are only as loyal as their options. I think stereotypes are true and rehab is for quitters."--Bill MaherThough I might disagree with him on a lot of issues (mostly relating to government-run healthcare, or government-run anything for that matter), that quote comes as close to describing my feelings about life as anybody. So in honor of Maher (and in an effort to reverse the stinking karma of the 0-4 turd I laid a week ago), let's preface this week's Divisional Round picks with some New Rules.
New Rule: If you are a fat chick sticking to her New Year's Resolution to lose weight, please make sure that your shirt is long enough.
I was inspired to create this one the other day at the gym. This is the worst time of year to work out in a gym*--all the doughy types who have sat around for 11 months make the same, tired resolution they make every year: to work out more. Like always, it never lasts. But for two or three weeks, you get treated to the tragicomedy of them looking quizzically at exercise machines like Derek Zoolander looking at a computer, waddling around the track, looking longingly at the smoothie bar (which is closed down for Winterim, a tragically shortsighted business decision), and--in rare, but observed cases--chain-smoking outside in between workouts. Depending on what kind of mood you're in and how busy it is otherwise, this can alternate between "the peak of hilarity" and "the peak of frustration."
There is nothing worse than That Girl, though. Since her attractive friends are all wearing tight T-shirts and short shorts (side note: no complaints from me about this), she has to do the same to fit in. The inseam of the shorts has been swallowed up by her thunder thighs. Her FUPA is threatening to emerge from a T-shirt that was NOT designed to restrain such a monster (sometimes, it's doing more than "threatening." Ugh). And may God help you if you happen to be running past when she's stretching...
Here's the thing. I'm not an unreasonable guy. I was much happier before I had to look at you on a regular basis, but I can live with it. Just please, promise that you'll cover up. Getting in shape is awesome, and if you stick with it you will look fantastic in a few months. But in the meantime, a little self-awareness goes a long way.
*Ironically, if you're stuck in Wisconsin like me, it's also the worst possible time to run outdoors. Which eliminates the most appealing alternative.
New Rule: In order to save time, MTV must combine "True Life: I Still Live With My Parents" and "True Life: I'm A Virgin" into one show.
Let's be realistic here: the Venn Diagram of those two demographics are basically two circles on top of one another. It's a recession, MTV. We've all gotta make sacrifices.
(Point of information: yes, these have both aired. More specifically, they were on back-to-back this afternoon. MTV, if you did this on purpose, I salute you. This stroke of subtle, intelligent humor almost redeems all of the shitty sequel-of-a-spinoff-of-a-spinoff-of-a-sequel-of-a-spinoff reality shows you are airing. Wait, nevermind. No it doesn't. Forget I said anything.)
New Rule: If a defensive player grabs an offensive player's facemask, it is a 15 yard penalty and a first down, regardless of said offensive player fumbling the football.
Oh, wait, this one has been on the books for decades now? I had no idea.
Pictured Above: Totally not a penalty or anything.
New Rule: One bad game does not make an entire defensive scheme useless.
A friend and I have had a season-long argument about the merits of the 4-3 vs. the 3-4. After this past weekend, he is claiming victory in the name of the 4-3. Nevermind that the team had the #1 rush defense, #5 pass defense, and #2 overall defense in the NFL this season (up from 26, 12, and 20 respectively)--on the basis that our 3-4 got shredded in one game, it is obviously inferior.
Addendum to an Old Rule: Never, ever, back a crappy QB on the road in the playoffs--unless he can be significantly hidden by the game plan.
If history has shown us anything, it's that crappy quarterbacks become infinitely crappier on unfriendly turf in the playoffs--the stage, the pressure, the unfriendly crowd, and the lack of self-confidence combine to cave in and blow the game. Need proof? Tarvaris Jackson vs. Philly in '08 (the fact that he's Tarvaris Jackson undoes any possible home-field advantage the Vikings might have enjoyed), Todd Collins at Seattle in '07, Trent Green at Indy in '06, Chad Pennington in New England in '06, Byron Leftwich in New England in '05, or Mark Brunell in Seattle in '05.
So how did two teams with crappy QBs pull off first-round road wins? By running the ball, stuffing the other offense, and making their respective weak link behind center a non-factor--the same formula that allowed Baltimore to win a Super Bowl despite the arm of Trent Dilfer.
New Rule: NBC has to reinstate Conan O'Brien to his 11:35 time slot.
Look, you got what you wanted. The Tonight Show's ratings are climbing back up. People are talking about you. "Conan on the Tonight Show" is buzz-worthy again. So why not stick with it and see what happens?
On the one hand, this makes sense--and the idea that NBC started this controversy for the sole reason of generating buzz seems both plausible and genius. On the other hand, Dick Ebersol appears to be done with Conan. So who knows.
At any rate, on to the picks.
N'AWLINS (-7) over Arizona
Here's the million dollar question: how is Drew Brees still alive today? How did he not die of a heart attack Saturday night, watching Aaron Rodgers and Kurt Warner put up a combined 778 passing yards and 96 points, the whole time thinking one thing: I get to face one of these defenses next week. The ceiling is officially removed for Brees this week--you could tell me you traveled back in time from Tuesday, and he threw for 550 yards and 7 scores, and I wouldn't even blink.
INDY (-6.5) over Baltimore
Here, we come back to my Updated Rule. If Baltimore can run over the Colts' D, get out ahead, and take the game out of Flacco's hands, they've got a shot. But what do you find more likely?
Scenario 1: Manning lights up a slightly suspect Ravens pass defense, takes the lead, and B-more has to play from behind with a potentially dry-heaving Flacco.
Scenario 2: Peyton Manning fails to move the ball at will, something that hasn't happened in over a year.
That's what I thought.
Dallas (+2.5) over MINNESOTA
If "picking Wade Phillips and Tony Romo in the playoffs" is like having a headache, "picking Brad Childress and Brett Favre in the playoffs" is like shooting yourself in the head to cure that headache. Too many question marks on this Viking
SAN DIEGO (-7) over NY Jets
Look at everything that I said for the Baltimore-Indy matchup. Does it hold steady here? Not quite as forcefully, but the answer is still yes. I think Phillip Rivers is good enough to figure out that the Jets have no answer for Antonio Gates. I think the Jet run defense is essentially negated by the non-factor that LDT has become. I think Sanchez has to make it happen at some point, and he can't.
Then again, everything I thought last week was wrong. So take that information how you will.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Live-Blogging the second half of Packers-Cardinals
I'm known for half-assing things. So rather than a whole live blog, you guys get the second half of the game.
(Also, I needed to hide. After the way my Wild Card round picks have worked out, the odds of me making it to Monday with both thumbs aren't looking good. Or, at least, if gambling were legal, they would be.)
Third Quarter
15:00 Pam Oliver reports that the Packers spent the whole week working on fundamentals--tackling, holding on to the ball, etc. Sure had me fooled.
13:10 "Meanwhile, for Green Bay, you saw Jarrod Bush covering Doucet-" I'm just gonna stop you right there. The fact that this unknown wideout has shredded us is now completely understandable. Bush could make Cleveland's son on The Cleveland Show look like an All-Pro.
11:15 Touchdown, Cardinals. Two plays in a row Warner has made throws on the run, making them the first two on-the-run throws of his career. I'm amazed Warner was able to move that well without a walker.
(Am I bitter? You bet your ass I'm bitter. It's 31-10, and we couldn't stop them if we could play 15 guys on defense.)
Just had the following exchange with my girlfriend on Facebook chat:
10:19 Rodgers' throw sails four feet over Driver's head. This has been a theme today. Thankfully, he's only killing my team, and not my fantasy team too.
(Wait, did I say "thankfully?" I meant "I want to insert my head into a guillotine.")
9:35 This game, in one word? Sloppy. Lots of turnovers, lots of penalties, lots of mistakes on both sides. As ugly as it looks, it's been a lot closer than the score indicates. A few breaks, and we could pull this one off.
(Okay, more than a few breaks. But you know what? I've got a copy of the epic Oilers-Bills wild-card comeback on my computer, and one thing stands out about that comeback--the Bills caught a ridiculous amount of breaks. Uncalled holding penalties, missed calls on fumbles before they were reviewable, close calls where they were literally inches from being stopped... only they made it. These kinds of things require skill meeting with luck. We need the luck.)
8:50 Know how I just said that? Rodgers-Cromartie just misses an interception by a hair, and Jennings takes it inside the 5.
8:06 John Kuhn catches a pass in the flat, looks surprised to be holding the ball, and is flattened for a 3-yard loss. Let's keep him out of the passing game, guys.
7:20 "Here's Jennings... WHAT A CATCH FOR THE TOUCHDOWN!" Any time you get a display of emotion out of Joe Buck, you know you did something right. But it's a 2-score game again!
"Hanging around, hanging around. Kid's got alligator blood."--Teddy KGB. Seems pertinent.
Coming back from commercial: aerial shot of a mountain in Arizona, with the comment that it's around 70 degrees. In a related story, I could have gone to college there. I hate myself.
7:20 (after commercial) HOLY SHIT, SNEAK ONSIDE KICK! PACKERS HAVE IT! MY BILLS-OILERS COMPARISON JUST GOT A LOT MORE LEGITIMATE!
6:43 Spencer Havner drops an easy catch on 3rd-and-1. Go for it. Gotta go for it. Come on baby...
(praying...)
(praying...)
6:20 And Ahman Green goes over the top for the first down!
(exhales)
5:54 Holding call takes back the awesome run-after-catch by Finley to the 20. Sucks, but we're still in business. And Finley apparently decided that he was going to be Tony Gonzalez instead today. Just a ridiculous performance so far.
5:17 "and the momentum has completely switched"--Joe Buck. Never thought I'd say this, but I love you, Joe!
4:07 Rodgers rolls out, and finds Jordy Nelson for the score! Jordy with a nice move to shake his man and get in, almost atoning for his boneheaded fumble on a first-half return.
Green Bay, alive in the desert, down by 7. And I have to pee.
4:01 Let the record show that I take back ever criticism of Mike McCarthy I have ever penned. The onside sneak, followed by going for it on 4th down, are the two greatest ballsy calls I can remember a Packer team executing. If we come back to win this one, that play goes down with Desmond Howard's kick return among the two inarguable Greatest Special Teams Plays in Packer History.
3:55 Another 15-yard gain for Early Doucet. Jarrod Bush is officially at medium-well. The time has long since passed to take him off before he gets burned.
3:13 Speaking of burned, a 42-yard run for Beanie Wells. He's my fantasy sleeper for 2010. He has looked great every time I have seen him.
3:01 Arizona gets a cheap too-many-men penalty as we tried to substitute. I instantly regret my "15 men on defense" comment--it looks like our coaching staff took it literally.
2:34 Warner to Fitzgerald for the touchdown. Let's just go for the onside kick every time. It's gotta give us a better chance than actually trying to play defense.
Kurt Warner's quarterback rating in this game, according to Buck: 154.2. Perfect score is 158.3. My point stands.
(Credit goes to Matt Miles for that. I originally had 154.3 as a perfect rating. Thanks for catching that. It's like you're Early Doucet or something.)
(To correct a popular misconception about the Green Bay defense: we are only good when we force turnovers. The defense has been so highly-ranked because we took early leads, allowing them to key off of the pass and take risks. We can't play from behind because our defense is not good when they don't know what's coming. Warrants mentioning.)
:32 First down to Driver. Packers driving. Nobody can stop anybody. Like I said, weird game. Weird, weird game.
:01 End of the quarter. God, our defense needs to pull their heads out of their asses. If they can do that, we've got a shot. If not? We're fucked.
Fourth Quarter
14:30 One punt all afternoon. It's been that kind of game. Third down.
14:16 Off the hands of Driver. You have to go for it here. The way the defense has been playing, you've got no choice in the matter.
Here we go...
(praying...)
(praying...)
Rodgers to Jones, TOUCHDOWN! Great read by Aaron to see McFadden giving him the cushion for the first down, awful job by McFadden to bullfighter Jones past him to the endzone. 38-31. What a game.
14:03 Atari Bigby is out for the rest of the game. As if our secondary wasn't already picked to the bone.
13:45 Right on cue, Breaston over the middle without a white jersey anywhere near him. Just awful.
12:40 Two straight runs stopped quickly. We actually forced a 3rd and 6. Here comes the inevitable 20-yard pass to Doucet...
12:00 Nope! Woodson makes a fantastic play to deflect it. Punt team is on the field. We stopped them! Yay!
11:45 Jermichael Finley again. 38 yards. Chad Clifton is down. That killed my excitement in an awful hurry. Remember how we had the worst offensive line in history the first half of the season? When Clifton and Tauscher were both healthy, that solved that problem. Now? Allen Barbre might factor into a one-score playoff game. There is no amount of beer in the world that can make me happy about this.
(Actually, it's TJ Lang. Not much better.)
11:21 Driver out of bounds at the two! DO YOU BELIEVE?!
11:02 First and goal... Kuhn is in for the score! Down 21, and now we're an extra point away from tying it! And it's good!
According to Buck, this would be the third-biggest postseason comeback in league history. Buffalo was at home. San Fran over New York in '03 would be the second--and they were at home. We did it against a hostile crowd, with a defense made of paper-mache. Aaron Rodgers has the balls of a matador. I can't say enough good things about him. The ceiling has officially been removed on the Rodgers Era.
10:53 Warner overthrows Breaston. He looks shook.
10:25 Third and 4... can we stop them again???
10:05 Hightower just gets the first down. Damn.
8:13 Big play to Hightower, and then a stuff in the backfield. Clay Matthews appears to be the only defender to have shown up today, save for the two plays that Woodson made. He's been everywhere.
7:17 Third and short? Doesn't look like Ben Patrick got the first down.
And he didn't. Third and inches. I'd be far more excited if we had shown any inclination to playing defense today.
7:04 Give to Wells, and he gets it. I'm shocked.
6:20 Shot down the field to Breaston, to the 20. Tramon Williams has scorch marks on his ass, fitting in well with the rest of the secondary.
4:55 Touchdown to Breaston. I feel sick. And it's not from the beer.
Let the record show that this was the worst defensive performance in franchise history. Bar none. Seven scores, one turnover, one punt. Vince Lombardi is rolling over in his grave. I think the defense would rather lose than face the punishment that Capers would have in store for them if they are practicing again.
4:00 Michael Adams called for interference again. After Rodgers, he's our MVP. Like Jarrod Bush, only so much worse.
3:46 Bet you didn't know that Rodgers is the second-leading rusher of all NFL quarterbacks.
3:12 Rodgers on the run across his body... somehow gets it over McFadden to Jennings, who makes an acrobatic catch! That was a GREAT play. Ball at the 25, first down!
3:12 (again) Buck: Can anybody stop anybody?
Aikman: No.
Thanks for showing up, guys. I've been saying that for the duration of this blog.
2:50 I'm starting to get worried. We're not gonna have the last possession. Even if we score, I'm not confident.
2:26 Rodgers off his back foot... tipped and incomplete. Luckily, McFadden and Wilson collided into each other, or that's a pick and game over. Another lucky break.
Third and 5... come on...
(praying...)
(praying...)
2:21 Complete to Finley to the 11 for the first down. Give him the ball every play.
2:00 Two minutes left. Eleven yards to the tie game, a million years (or so it seems) from victory. Even if we score, is there any chance we can get a stop? Warner has been shredding us all game.
(Side note: if you picked the "over" for this game, feel free to celebrate. Not that I encourage gambling or anything.)
1:52 Havner carries his defender into the endzone! The crowd sounds like they just sacrificed a live kitten at midfield!
(Important note: this hasn't happened ALL GAME. No matter what, they Arizona crowd has been loud. Credit due to them for that, but that says something about the importance of this score.)
1:46 I'm terrified. We left them too much time. Seventy-eight yards, all three timeouts, and only needing a field goal to win.
1:44 Well, two timeouts. We put out the 1-5-5, and it confused Whisenhunt into calling a timeout. Seems like a good time to send a shout-out to notmikedunleavey, and the following Tweet:
1:14 Over the middle, Breaston to the 50. I feel sick again.
:50 Complete to Fitzgerald. Field goal as the clock runs out? I think so. I can't take this.
:22 Rackers' long for the year: 48 yards. Career long: 55 yards. They're one completion away from field goal range. I have to pee like crazy, but there's no way I'm getting up.
:16 Doucet to the 16. We can't tackle. Game over.
I can't believe it. Just an awful defensive performance. Arizona is out of timeouts.
Field goal unit on.
(praying...)
(praying...)
14: Rackers has missed only once all season. I'd sell my soul to make it twice.
:09 HE MISSED IT LEFT!
Overtime, momentum!
Shades of Gary Anderson!
Oh. My. GOD.
We're going to overtime. Ho. Lee. Shit.
Overtime
15:00 Chuckie Woodson calls the toss correctly. The way this game has gone, that is HUGE.
It wouldn't shock me at all to see an onside kick here. Nope. Rackers looks pissed.
14:45 Holding, offense. Second and long. That missed throw looms HUGE.
14:25 Rodgers to James Jones, third and 5. We NEED this, the way our defense has been playing.
13:50 Rodgers hit... ball loose... Arizona wins.
I can't believe it. Shades of the '07 NFC Championship. This fucking franchise is snakebit. Michael Adams gets his vengeance. You've got to be shitting me.
I'm not even remotely fucking kidding about the snakebit thing. Think, since Super Bowl XXXI:
1997: Blow the Super Bowl in the last two minutes.
1998: Terrell Owens makes The Catch, Part II.
2001: Favre throws six picks (!) against the Rams. This will become a trend for the forseeable future.
2002: Michael Vick plays the game of his life, ends the Lambeau Mystique. This would go down as the last good game played by Vick ever.
2003: Fourth and 26. Need I say more?
2007: After two missed field goals give us second life, Favre throws The Pick, dooming the game.
2009: After the third-largest comeback in NFL postseason history and a missed field goal gives us second life, Rodgers fumbles away the game.
Argue with it. You can't. That's two out-of-character performances (Favre had never been worse, Vick had never been better), two inconcievable fourth-and-long conversions (Owens and Freddie Fucking Mitchell), three painful overtime losses (with the only win being the infamous "We'll take the ball, and we're gonna score" game), and a blown Super Bowl in which we were eleven point favorites.
Argue with it. You can't.
(Also, I needed to hide. After the way my Wild Card round picks have worked out, the odds of me making it to Monday with both thumbs aren't looking good. Or, at least, if gambling were legal, they would be.)
Third Quarter
15:00 Pam Oliver reports that the Packers spent the whole week working on fundamentals--tackling, holding on to the ball, etc. Sure had me fooled.
13:10 "Meanwhile, for Green Bay, you saw Jarrod Bush covering Doucet-" I'm just gonna stop you right there. The fact that this unknown wideout has shredded us is now completely understandable. Bush could make Cleveland's son on The Cleveland Show look like an All-Pro.
11:15 Touchdown, Cardinals. Two plays in a row Warner has made throws on the run, making them the first two on-the-run throws of his career. I'm amazed Warner was able to move that well without a walker.
(Am I bitter? You bet your ass I'm bitter. It's 31-10, and we couldn't stop them if we could play 15 guys on defense.)
Just had the following exchange with my girlfriend on Facebook chat:
Never a good sign. The worst part? She agreed.Sami
i give up
5:29pmColin
i'm live-blogging the second half
i might break the world record for "percentage of words that wouldn't be admissable on tv"
10:19 Rodgers' throw sails four feet over Driver's head. This has been a theme today. Thankfully, he's only killing my team, and not my fantasy team too.
(Wait, did I say "thankfully?" I meant "I want to insert my head into a guillotine.")
9:35 This game, in one word? Sloppy. Lots of turnovers, lots of penalties, lots of mistakes on both sides. As ugly as it looks, it's been a lot closer than the score indicates. A few breaks, and we could pull this one off.
(Okay, more than a few breaks. But you know what? I've got a copy of the epic Oilers-Bills wild-card comeback on my computer, and one thing stands out about that comeback--the Bills caught a ridiculous amount of breaks. Uncalled holding penalties, missed calls on fumbles before they were reviewable, close calls where they were literally inches from being stopped... only they made it. These kinds of things require skill meeting with luck. We need the luck.)
8:50 Know how I just said that? Rodgers-Cromartie just misses an interception by a hair, and Jennings takes it inside the 5.
8:06 John Kuhn catches a pass in the flat, looks surprised to be holding the ball, and is flattened for a 3-yard loss. Let's keep him out of the passing game, guys.
7:20 "Here's Jennings... WHAT A CATCH FOR THE TOUCHDOWN!" Any time you get a display of emotion out of Joe Buck, you know you did something right. But it's a 2-score game again!
"Hanging around, hanging around. Kid's got alligator blood."--Teddy KGB. Seems pertinent.
Coming back from commercial: aerial shot of a mountain in Arizona, with the comment that it's around 70 degrees. In a related story, I could have gone to college there. I hate myself.
7:20 (after commercial) HOLY SHIT, SNEAK ONSIDE KICK! PACKERS HAVE IT! MY BILLS-OILERS COMPARISON JUST GOT A LOT MORE LEGITIMATE!
6:43 Spencer Havner drops an easy catch on 3rd-and-1. Go for it. Gotta go for it. Come on baby...
(praying...)
(praying...)
6:20 And Ahman Green goes over the top for the first down!
(exhales)
5:54 Holding call takes back the awesome run-after-catch by Finley to the 20. Sucks, but we're still in business. And Finley apparently decided that he was going to be Tony Gonzalez instead today. Just a ridiculous performance so far.
5:17 "and the momentum has completely switched"--Joe Buck. Never thought I'd say this, but I love you, Joe!
4:07 Rodgers rolls out, and finds Jordy Nelson for the score! Jordy with a nice move to shake his man and get in, almost atoning for his boneheaded fumble on a first-half return.
Green Bay, alive in the desert, down by 7. And I have to pee.
4:01 Let the record show that I take back ever criticism of Mike McCarthy I have ever penned. The onside sneak, followed by going for it on 4th down, are the two greatest ballsy calls I can remember a Packer team executing. If we come back to win this one, that play goes down with Desmond Howard's kick return among the two inarguable Greatest Special Teams Plays in Packer History.
3:55 Another 15-yard gain for Early Doucet. Jarrod Bush is officially at medium-well. The time has long since passed to take him off before he gets burned.
3:13 Speaking of burned, a 42-yard run for Beanie Wells. He's my fantasy sleeper for 2010. He has looked great every time I have seen him.
3:01 Arizona gets a cheap too-many-men penalty as we tried to substitute. I instantly regret my "15 men on defense" comment--it looks like our coaching staff took it literally.
2:34 Warner to Fitzgerald for the touchdown. Let's just go for the onside kick every time. It's gotta give us a better chance than actually trying to play defense.
Kurt Warner's quarterback rating in this game, according to Buck: 154.2. Perfect score is 158.3. My point stands.
(Credit goes to Matt Miles for that. I originally had 154.3 as a perfect rating. Thanks for catching that. It's like you're Early Doucet or something.)
(To correct a popular misconception about the Green Bay defense: we are only good when we force turnovers. The defense has been so highly-ranked because we took early leads, allowing them to key off of the pass and take risks. We can't play from behind because our defense is not good when they don't know what's coming. Warrants mentioning.)
:32 First down to Driver. Packers driving. Nobody can stop anybody. Like I said, weird game. Weird, weird game.
:01 End of the quarter. God, our defense needs to pull their heads out of their asses. If they can do that, we've got a shot. If not? We're fucked.
Fourth Quarter
14:30 One punt all afternoon. It's been that kind of game. Third down.
14:16 Off the hands of Driver. You have to go for it here. The way the defense has been playing, you've got no choice in the matter.
Here we go...
(praying...)
(praying...)
Rodgers to Jones, TOUCHDOWN! Great read by Aaron to see McFadden giving him the cushion for the first down, awful job by McFadden to bullfighter Jones past him to the endzone. 38-31. What a game.
14:03 Atari Bigby is out for the rest of the game. As if our secondary wasn't already picked to the bone.
13:45 Right on cue, Breaston over the middle without a white jersey anywhere near him. Just awful.
12:40 Two straight runs stopped quickly. We actually forced a 3rd and 6. Here comes the inevitable 20-yard pass to Doucet...
12:00 Nope! Woodson makes a fantastic play to deflect it. Punt team is on the field. We stopped them! Yay!
11:45 Jermichael Finley again. 38 yards. Chad Clifton is down. That killed my excitement in an awful hurry. Remember how we had the worst offensive line in history the first half of the season? When Clifton and Tauscher were both healthy, that solved that problem. Now? Allen Barbre might factor into a one-score playoff game. There is no amount of beer in the world that can make me happy about this.
(Actually, it's TJ Lang. Not much better.)
11:21 Driver out of bounds at the two! DO YOU BELIEVE?!
11:02 First and goal... Kuhn is in for the score! Down 21, and now we're an extra point away from tying it! And it's good!
According to Buck, this would be the third-biggest postseason comeback in league history. Buffalo was at home. San Fran over New York in '03 would be the second--and they were at home. We did it against a hostile crowd, with a defense made of paper-mache. Aaron Rodgers has the balls of a matador. I can't say enough good things about him. The ceiling has officially been removed on the Rodgers Era.
10:53 Warner overthrows Breaston. He looks shook.
10:25 Third and 4... can we stop them again???
10:05 Hightower just gets the first down. Damn.
8:13 Big play to Hightower, and then a stuff in the backfield. Clay Matthews appears to be the only defender to have shown up today, save for the two plays that Woodson made. He's been everywhere.
7:17 Third and short? Doesn't look like Ben Patrick got the first down.
And he didn't. Third and inches. I'd be far more excited if we had shown any inclination to playing defense today.
7:04 Give to Wells, and he gets it. I'm shocked.
6:20 Shot down the field to Breaston, to the 20. Tramon Williams has scorch marks on his ass, fitting in well with the rest of the secondary.
4:55 Touchdown to Breaston. I feel sick. And it's not from the beer.
Let the record show that this was the worst defensive performance in franchise history. Bar none. Seven scores, one turnover, one punt. Vince Lombardi is rolling over in his grave. I think the defense would rather lose than face the punishment that Capers would have in store for them if they are practicing again.
4:00 Michael Adams called for interference again. After Rodgers, he's our MVP. Like Jarrod Bush, only so much worse.
3:46 Bet you didn't know that Rodgers is the second-leading rusher of all NFL quarterbacks.
3:12 Rodgers on the run across his body... somehow gets it over McFadden to Jennings, who makes an acrobatic catch! That was a GREAT play. Ball at the 25, first down!
3:12 (again) Buck: Can anybody stop anybody?
Aikman: No.
Thanks for showing up, guys. I've been saying that for the duration of this blog.
2:50 I'm starting to get worried. We're not gonna have the last possession. Even if we score, I'm not confident.
2:26 Rodgers off his back foot... tipped and incomplete. Luckily, McFadden and Wilson collided into each other, or that's a pick and game over. Another lucky break.
Third and 5... come on...
(praying...)
(praying...)
2:21 Complete to Finley to the 11 for the first down. Give him the ball every play.
2:00 Two minutes left. Eleven yards to the tie game, a million years (or so it seems) from victory. Even if we score, is there any chance we can get a stop? Warner has been shredding us all game.
(Side note: if you picked the "over" for this game, feel free to celebrate. Not that I encourage gambling or anything.)
1:52 Havner carries his defender into the endzone! The crowd sounds like they just sacrificed a live kitten at midfield!
(Important note: this hasn't happened ALL GAME. No matter what, they Arizona crowd has been loud. Credit due to them for that, but that says something about the importance of this score.)
1:46 I'm terrified. We left them too much time. Seventy-eight yards, all three timeouts, and only needing a field goal to win.
1:44 Well, two timeouts. We put out the 1-5-5, and it confused Whisenhunt into calling a timeout. Seems like a good time to send a shout-out to notmikedunleavey, and the following Tweet:
notmikedunleavy1:19 Snap infraction on their center. That can't be bad.
Is Ken Whisenhunt attempting to outdo me in the blown leads department?
1:14 Over the middle, Breaston to the 50. I feel sick again.
:50 Complete to Fitzgerald. Field goal as the clock runs out? I think so. I can't take this.
:22 Rackers' long for the year: 48 yards. Career long: 55 yards. They're one completion away from field goal range. I have to pee like crazy, but there's no way I'm getting up.
:16 Doucet to the 16. We can't tackle. Game over.
I can't believe it. Just an awful defensive performance. Arizona is out of timeouts.
Field goal unit on.
(praying...)
(praying...)
14: Rackers has missed only once all season. I'd sell my soul to make it twice.
:09 HE MISSED IT LEFT!
Overtime, momentum!
Shades of Gary Anderson!
Oh. My. GOD.
We're going to overtime. Ho. Lee. Shit.
Overtime
15:00 Chuckie Woodson calls the toss correctly. The way this game has gone, that is HUGE.
It wouldn't shock me at all to see an onside kick here. Nope. Rackers looks pissed.
14:53 Rodgers overthrows Jennings. That was the ballgame.
14:45 Holding, offense. Second and long. That missed throw looms HUGE.
14:25 Rodgers to James Jones, third and 5. We NEED this, the way our defense has been playing.
13:50 Rodgers hit... ball loose... Arizona wins.
I can't believe it. Shades of the '07 NFC Championship. This fucking franchise is snakebit. Michael Adams gets his vengeance. You've got to be shitting me.
I'm not even remotely fucking kidding about the snakebit thing. Think, since Super Bowl XXXI:
1997: Blow the Super Bowl in the last two minutes.
1998: Terrell Owens makes The Catch, Part II.
2001: Favre throws six picks (!) against the Rams. This will become a trend for the forseeable future.
2002: Michael Vick plays the game of his life, ends the Lambeau Mystique. This would go down as the last good game played by Vick ever.
2003: Fourth and 26. Need I say more?
2007: After two missed field goals give us second life, Favre throws The Pick, dooming the game.
2009: After the third-largest comeback in NFL postseason history and a missed field goal gives us second life, Rodgers fumbles away the game.
Argue with it. You can't. That's two out-of-character performances (Favre had never been worse, Vick had never been better), two inconcievable fourth-and-long conversions (Owens and Freddie Fucking Mitchell), three painful overtime losses (with the only win being the infamous "We'll take the ball, and we're gonna score" game), and a blown Super Bowl in which we were eleven point favorites.
Argue with it. You can't.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
NFL Picks: Wild Card Weekend
BENGALS (-2.5) over Jets
Don't be a hero, Billy. Yes, I know the Jets are the cute pick. Yes, I know everyone loves them because of their miracle finish to improbably sneak into the playoffs. Yes, I know you really want to be the guy who bought into the Cinderella story at the ground floor. But before you pick the Jets, put yourself in this position.
There are five minutes to play in the fourth quarter. The Jets are down by four, starting deep in their own territory, and Mark Sanchez breaks the huddle. He's seven of twenty five for ninety yards and three interceptions, and he looks like he's going to shit himself walking to the line. You're bargaining your soul for a guarantee that he will hand the ball off. But he's dropping back to pass, and the rush is coming, and he's trying to force the ball through double coverage to Braylon Edwards...
You just broke a cold sweat? Don't blame you. Just remember, for every heartwarming Cinderella story there are a million poor girls who went to the ball and stood around with their girlfriends all night. It's not often that you get such a gift-wrapped cash bundle as "rookie QB with a penchant for turning in absolute stink bombs on the road." Take it. Take it and run.
Eagles (+4) over COWBOYS
Holy crap, it's the Shaky Playoff Coach/Quarterback Bowl! Wade Phillips/Tony Romo vs. Andy Reid/Donovan McNabb is like the epic series of Edge & Christian vs. Hardy Boyz tag-team matches the WWF put on in the late '90s and early '00s, except the complete opposite.
I waffled on this pick for a good five minutes. On the one hand, an Iggles win sets the stage for a Packers/Vikings second-round matchup, and I really don't think the Football Gods are cruel enough to let that happen--whichever fan base loses would effectively shut down at life for a good month. On the other hand, the Cowboys and Bengals look like an easy same-day two-team teaser. And we all know that the Football Gods hate easy two-team teasers.
So what's the X-factor here? Philadelphia's turnover differential of +15 is good for second in the NFC. Dallas's +1 is good for eighth in the conference, and second-last of the six playoff teams. I predict a close game punctuated by several coaching and quarterbacking errors, with a crucial Romo interception in crunch time icing it.
PATRIOTS (-3.5) over Ravens
As you know, I love the Ravens. But I think they're a year away. I think these teams meet again in the playoffs next year, and the Ravens take the torch. But this feels like one of those ugly, fluky games that Belichek's teams always find a way to win.
Packers (+1) over CARDINALS
Telling Sign #1: The Packers and Cardinals met once in the regular season (last week) and once in the pre-season. Both times, the Packer starters absolutely shit on the Cards when they were in. I'm talking snuff-film level domination. Even Buffalo Bill felt bad for the Arizona secondary. Prisoners in Gitmo watching the game thought the Packers were being too cruel. I can go on all night.
Telling Sign #2: Know how I mentioned that the Eagles ranked second in turnover differential? Guess who ranked first? Know how I mentioned that the Cowboys ranked second-last? Guess who ranked last?
Telling Sign #3: Green Bay to finish the season: 7-1. Arizona to finish the season: 3-3.
Telling Sign #4: A Packers-Vikings rematch would be the most hyped non-Super-Bowl of all time. If David Stern were running the NFL, Dick Bavetta, Bennett Salvatore and Tim Donaghy would be working this game. No doubt about it.
Don't be a hero, Billy. Yes, I know the Jets are the cute pick. Yes, I know everyone loves them because of their miracle finish to improbably sneak into the playoffs. Yes, I know you really want to be the guy who bought into the Cinderella story at the ground floor. But before you pick the Jets, put yourself in this position.
There are five minutes to play in the fourth quarter. The Jets are down by four, starting deep in their own territory, and Mark Sanchez breaks the huddle. He's seven of twenty five for ninety yards and three interceptions, and he looks like he's going to shit himself walking to the line. You're bargaining your soul for a guarantee that he will hand the ball off. But he's dropping back to pass, and the rush is coming, and he's trying to force the ball through double coverage to Braylon Edwards...
You just broke a cold sweat? Don't blame you. Just remember, for every heartwarming Cinderella story there are a million poor girls who went to the ball and stood around with their girlfriends all night. It's not often that you get such a gift-wrapped cash bundle as "rookie QB with a penchant for turning in absolute stink bombs on the road." Take it. Take it and run.
Eagles (+4) over COWBOYS
Holy crap, it's the Shaky Playoff Coach/Quarterback Bowl! Wade Phillips/Tony Romo vs. Andy Reid/Donovan McNabb is like the epic series of Edge & Christian vs. Hardy Boyz tag-team matches the WWF put on in the late '90s and early '00s, except the complete opposite.
I waffled on this pick for a good five minutes. On the one hand, an Iggles win sets the stage for a Packers/Vikings second-round matchup, and I really don't think the Football Gods are cruel enough to let that happen--whichever fan base loses would effectively shut down at life for a good month. On the other hand, the Cowboys and Bengals look like an easy same-day two-team teaser. And we all know that the Football Gods hate easy two-team teasers.
So what's the X-factor here? Philadelphia's turnover differential of +15 is good for second in the NFC. Dallas's +1 is good for eighth in the conference, and second-last of the six playoff teams. I predict a close game punctuated by several coaching and quarterbacking errors, with a crucial Romo interception in crunch time icing it.
PATRIOTS (-3.5) over Ravens
As you know, I love the Ravens. But I think they're a year away. I think these teams meet again in the playoffs next year, and the Ravens take the torch. But this feels like one of those ugly, fluky games that Belichek's teams always find a way to win.
Packers (+1) over CARDINALS
Telling Sign #1: The Packers and Cardinals met once in the regular season (last week) and once in the pre-season. Both times, the Packer starters absolutely shit on the Cards when they were in. I'm talking snuff-film level domination. Even Buffalo Bill felt bad for the Arizona secondary. Prisoners in Gitmo watching the game thought the Packers were being too cruel. I can go on all night.
Telling Sign #2: Know how I mentioned that the Eagles ranked second in turnover differential? Guess who ranked first? Know how I mentioned that the Cowboys ranked second-last? Guess who ranked last?
Telling Sign #3: Green Bay to finish the season: 7-1. Arizona to finish the season: 3-3.
Telling Sign #4: A Packers-Vikings rematch would be the most hyped non-Super-Bowl of all time. If David Stern were running the NFL, Dick Bavetta, Bennett Salvatore and Tim Donaghy would be working this game. No doubt about it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
