Farewell, Liver, We Hardly Knew Ye: The Definitive 2010 World Cup Drinking Game

In case you were unaware, the 2010 World Cup begins Friday morning.  For soccer fans, the next several weeks will be like the Olympics on crack.  Like the NCAA Tournament on steroids.  Like the Super Bowl methed out of it's mind.  Okay, maybe I need to stop making these sport-drug comparisons.

But at any rate, even if you're a non-soccer fan, the next several weeks will consist of pretending to know what "offsides" means and caring about whether Team USA can realize their destiny of taking soccer in America to new heights (spoiler alert: it's not gonna happen).  It's like a one-sport Olympics.  And if we can get behind curling and short-track speed skating in the name of nationalism, why the fuck not soccer?

I'd like to see every American give the World Cup a shot.  And I'm doing my part by making it easier for my target demographic to enjoy soccer--by pre-mixing it with a metric fuckton of alcohol.  We love sports, we love drinking, and we love kicking the living shit out of other countries.  So it is my pleasure to present to you The Definitive 2010 World Cup Drinking Game.

Before we start, a couple ground rules.

• Know your limits.  I assume NO responsibility for anything that happens to you if you follow these rules to a T, and don't have the tolerance to handle yourself.  Again, know your limits.  If you have to alter the rules to better reflect your drinking ability--do it.  KNOW YOUR LIMITS.  I love my readers, and it would kill me to know that I was responsible for one of their deaths.  FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, KNOW YOUR LIMITS.
• Remember the point of this exercise: to watch world-class athletic competition and to get hammered.  Arguing about the rules, or he said/she said issues gets in the way of both of these.  Over the literally thousands of hours of soccer played, there are going to be some missed drinks.  Accept this.
• This is one man's list, with heavy influence from a number of other lists.  Too many to list here.  Know that I wanted to make this thing as glorious as possible--which means it samples heavily from what is already out there.  Some of the rules are original, some have already been used in other drinking games.  It's not an original concept.  That's gonna happen sometimes.
• This list is not finished.  Reader input is welcomed.  I'm gonna miss stuff, and if it's good, I'd like to include it after the fact.  The World Cup happens every 4 years, and I'd like to make this one a recurring theme.

With that said, let's get this shitshow on the road.

Standard Rules:

• Drink every time the referee blows his whistle.
• Drink once for every goal scored by a striker.
• Drink twice for every goal scored by a midfielder.
• Drink three times for every goal scored by a defender.
• Finish your drink, and shotgun a beer, for every goal scored by a goalie.
• If the goal scored had an assist, drink double.
• Finish your drink for every yellow card, shotgun for every red card.
• Before kickoff, select a side and chug throughout their national anthem.
• Using the same side from kickoff, take a drink for every player over the age of 33 in your starting lineup.
• Using the same side from kickoff, chug every time their captain (the guy with the armband) is in possession of the ball.
• Using the same side, any time that side tries to argue a call with a referee, drink once for every player surrounding the referee.
• If a goal is scored off of a free kick, finish your drink.
• If any games go to a penalty shootout, drink once for every goal conceded by your side from above.  Chug until the next kick if your team fails to convert by missing or being stopped.
• Whenever an announcer refers to the World Cup as “the first ever World Cup in Africa” or “A big step for African sports,” finish your drink.
• Drink for any shots of celebrities in the stands.  One drink per celeb pointed out.
• A round of shots must be taken after every goal scored by Honduras or New Zealand.
• If you make someone laugh and spill on themselves while drinking, they have to take a shame-shot.
• Whenever the camera shows a shot of a “foreign hottie” in the crowd, the last person to yell “I’d tap that” drinks.
• Drink anytime any goalkeeper is referred to as a “penalty-saving specialist.”  Finish your beer if he lets a penalty in within 5 minutes of this.
• Drink twice every time the announcers compare a current player to a former player.
• Finish your drink every time David Beckham’s name is mentioned during setup for a free kick.
• Chug every time an announcer says that this “might be the year for an African team.”
• Drink every time an announcer accuses a player of diving.
• Cliché watch: drink every time Brazil are referred to as “skillful,” Germany “efficient,” England “gutsy,” and Korea “busy.”
• Take a shot every time Cristiano Ronaldo is shown fixing his hair during a stoppage in play.
• Drink every time Ronaldinho makes a completely unnecessary pass.
• Drink every time offsides is called.
• Drink every time political discussion about North Korea comes up during a match.  Drink twice if North Korea isn’t even playing.
• Take a shot for every puff piece about corruption or poverty in Africa.
• Drink every time a sub is shown on a warm-up bike.
• Finish your drink if punches are thrown.
• Chug until the streaker is apprehended.
• Drink for any World Cup records broken.
• Drink for any attempts that measure out to 45m or longer.

Team USA Rules:

• Any time Landon Donovan has the ball and the American announcer screams out his name like he is about to do something amazing, the last person to fake an orgasm has to drink.
• Drink every time the American announcer completely ignores a replay of an American player flopping. Drink every time the American announcer goes absolutely ballistic over an opposing player's flop. If the two happen within 5 minutes of each other on the game clock, finish your drink.
• If one US defender passes to another US defender, then the second defender passes back to the first one, take a drink. If the first one then passes to the second one again, take another. Keep going until a third player touches the ball.
• Chug every time a US defender passes back to Tim Howard.
• Any time Landon Donovan’s stint at Everton is mentioned, drink.
• Any time Clint Dempsey’s goal against Juventus is mentioned, drink.
• Every time Tim Howard snaps after a missed shot, take a drink for every defender he goes off on.
• Drink for every shot or mention of Barack Obama.
• Drink until blacked out if USA beats England.
• Any time Jozy Altidore is referred to as “the future of Team USA,” finish your drink.
• Chug if Tim Howard saves a penalty. 

Team Australia Rules:

• Every time “Kewel” and “Injury” are mentioned in the same sentence, drink.
• Take a shot any time anyone mentions Josh Kennedy looking like Jesus.
• Every time Tommy Oar is called “the next Harry Kewell,” finish your drink.
• If someone refers to the Australian League as a “respectable league,” finish your drink.
• Drink every time Scott McDonald misses a shot.  Finish if the announcers defend him as “proficient at club level.”
• Every time Craig Moore touches the ball, the last person to check that they still have both testicles drinks.
• If an opposing player receives three yellow cards before being sent off (again), all alcohol in the building must be consumed within the hour.
• Any time a highlight of Australia vs. Japan in 2006 is shown, drink.  If Tim Cahill’s goal is shown, chug until live action resumes.

Team Mexico Rules:

• Every time someone is described as “The best striker out of Mexico since Hugo Sanchez,” finish your drink.
• Drink whenever Cuahutemoc Blanco tries to bunny hop over someone.
• If watching on the Spanish language channel (which is HIGHLY recommended): drink for as long as the announcer shouts “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!”
• Drink whenever you can see a forward swear in Spanish after he misses.  Finish if they actually show the replay and you can hear it.
• Drink every time a Mexican player crosses himself.

Team New Zealand Rules:

• Drink every time the All Blacks are mentioned.
• Drink every time it is brought up that NZ’s last World Cup appearance was in 1982.
• Drink every time New Zealand’s friendly victory over Serbia is mentioned.
• Drink every time Rory Fallon appears on screen, finish your drink if his father is mentioned.
• Drink every time Ryan Nelsen wins an aerial challenge, chug if the announcers then mention him playing for Blackburn.
• Chug everytime a snide remark is made about New Zealand’s chances of competing in the World Cup.
• Drink every time New Zealand and Australia are mentioned within the same sentence.

Team England Rules:

• Any time an announcer mentions Ryan Giggs choosing to play for Wales over England, finish your drink.
• Every time a commentator mentions David Beckham during an England game, the last player to touch their Achilles’ tendon drinks.
• Drink every time the announcers discuss John Terry and the captaincy.
• Every time England’s poor penalty record is noted, drink.
• Drink continuously while Fabio Capello is on screen.