Buying and Selling: The Winter Olympics

If you are a sports fan, February is the worst time of the year.  The Super Bowl is over, and the NFL is nursing its collective hangover before really kicking the off-season into gear.  March Madness is on the horizon, but not yet close enough to qualify as "legitimately exciting."  Pitchers and catchers have yet to report.  In most years, all we've got for February sporting events is the NBA trade deadline.  Not a fun month by any means.

Ordinarily, this would mean a month of me repeatedly reaching into my Bag of Gimmicky Columns That Can Take Up Space When Absolutely Nothing Is Happening.  This year?  We've got the Winter Olympics.  And they're being played in America Junior!  Score!

I love the Olympics.  Both seasons of them.  Every four years, we give a crap about things like the discus, fencing, cross-country skiing and curling if only because of a sense of patriotism and a desire to show that even though America might be number fifty-something in education, health care, production, unemployment, and not idolizing idiots who call themselves The Situation; we still are number one when it comes to sports.  It's a fun comfort to have.

So I've been watching a lot of the Games.  And there are some things I like, and some I don't like.  Here we go.

Buy: Shani Davis coming from behind to steal the 1,000-meter gold from Tae-Bum Mo.  Chad Hedrick riding the pairing with Mo to an improbable medal.  Apolo Ohno coming from behind to steal silver in the 500 from the Koreans.  We haven't done this much damage to the Korean national psyche in over fifty years.

Sell: Mo, the gold medal winner in the 500, claiming that Ohno didn't deserve to win after his countrymen, in 2nd and 3rd during the final lap, crashed into each other.  While we're at it, here's some other thoughts Mo had about recent sporting events:

-The Saints didn't deserve the Super Bowl title--the only reason they won was because of that onside kick.  And the only reason they even got to the game was because of that Brett Favre interception.
-The Brewers didn't deserve to make the playoffs in 2008--the only reason they did was because they traded for CC Sabathia.
-The Cardinals didn't deserve to beat the Packers in the wild-card game--the only reason they did was because Rodgers fumbled on the game's final play.
-The Americans didn't deserve hockey gold in 1980--the only reason they won was because the Soviet coach pulled Tretiak after the first period.

(Actually, upon further deliberation, this might have been the most underrated coaching mistake of all time.  I'm not exaggerating here.  Imagine if Jim Caldwell pulled Peyton Manning for Lance Painter after Manning's first interception--only if the Colts and Saints both had nuclear arms and an incomprehensible hatred for each other, the Colts were 55-point favorites and probably all 'roided to the hilt, and the Saints were made up of a college all-star team.  In fact, I'm about 43% sure that the Soviet coach was put to death for this decision.  How do you yank the best goalie in the world, replace him with a backup who has no experience in games that matter, and do this all during an Olympic semifinal game?  What kind of message does that send to a heavy underdog who is struggling to hang around one period in?  Not that I'm complaining about the result, but I feel like this needs to be mentioned every time we talk about that game.  THAT big of a mistake.)

Buy: Lindsey Vonn and Julia Mancuso.  I'm not kidding around.  Where can I buy them?  You don't want to know what I'm willing to trade.  Yummy...

Sell: Canada.  Screwing up the torch-lighting ceremony was bad.  Only six medals in seven days is bad.  Repeated mentions on TV towards how crappy the snow and ice surfaces are is really bad.  On the bright side, they got their first gold medal in a home Olympics ever.  But big picture, it hasn't been a great performance by the home country.

(All three of my Canadian readers just sent me a polite but firm e-mail to please stop bashing their country.  I'm sorry guys.  Please accept this apology of an embedded Youtube video of the Most Awesome Sports Moment In Canadian History:)






(Just a background on that one: that was Game 3 of the 2006 Western Conference Finals between the LA Kings and Edmonton Oilers.  Prior to Game 2, the Los Angeles crowd booed the Canadian national anthem--which is semi-acceptable if you're a crazed soccer hooligan, never acceptable in any other circumstance, and definitely not acceptable if you're a foccacia yuppie Los Angeles crowd who are only at a hockey game for business reasons.  The Kings' loss in that series was due 100% to karma, and you can't convince me otherwise.)

Buy: The biathalon.  I have no idea how it is scored, I was shaking my head quizzically as they tried to explain the rules... but I couldn't turn away.  Here's what I set as my Facebook status as I watched the biathalon during my lunch break the other day:

I have no idea how the Biathalon is decided, but I find myself completely transfixed. Other than beer pong, there is not a sport alive that was more obviously invented while drunk. Cross-country skiing and sniper rifles? It makes no sense, other than that it's entertaining.

We need more crazy combination Olympic sports.  Count me as the first one aboard the "Chess Boxing in 2016!" bandwagon.

Sell: Ice dancing.  The only Winter Olympic sport that will make me change the channel every time.  Even when someone falls, which is the only reason to watch in the first place, it's not as great as it sounds.  Can we get less of this please?

Buy: The young US hockey team, coming back from a disappointing Torino games by winning their first pairing.  Do I think they are in the same class as the Canadians or Russians?  Not by a long shot.  Could they pull a few upsets and medal?  Absolutely.

Sell: Alex Ovechkin.  Remember this the next time anyone tries to tell you that he's better than Crosby: Ovechkin has been invisible in the Olympics.  The best players step it up on the biggest stage.  No exceptions.  There's a reason Karl Malone and Chris Webber in any discussions as the best players in NBA and NCAA history, respectively.

Buy: Stephen Colbert, Speed Skating Cheerleader.  Source:

"I'm a firm believer in fossil fuels," TV personality Stephen Colbert told ESPN.com when asked about trucking a 3-ton Zamboni 600 miles to replace an environmentally friendly machine. "I'm glad they killed this whole green thing. I wonder if it affected the skaters. If it did, Al Gore owes someone an apology."

Enjoy the rest of the Games, folks.  I know I will.