Hung Over for the NFL Season

It's been a while. I've been moving back up to school, and it's been fairly busy. Now that I'm unpacked and don't start my training for freshman orientation until tomorrow though, here's a general idea of how today is probably gonna go: Beat off, type up resume, do some job applications, beat off again, get drunk. So it goes without saying that I have time to do up an NFL preview.

Some of you might be familiar with this format: I used it once before while still on the Advance-Titan staff (link not up). Basically, instead of giving out pre-season awards, we're giving out movie quotes. And if you think this idea sounds too entertaining for me to have thought of it myself, well, you're right. Bill Simmons of ESPN.com was the first to do this (that I know of). That being said, I was the one who gave him the idea for a drink named after John Daly, and that seems to be working out pretty good already. So we'll call it even.

The movie in question for this season's preview? The Hangover. Why The Hangover? Because I won't get to see I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell until September 13th, and the NFL season will already be started at that point. So we went with this summer's biggest comedy instead.

Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.
To Michael Vick, and if you have to ask why, I'd like to welcome you to 2009. Enjoy your stay.

(Seriously, with everyone seemingly forgiving Michael Jackson for all his alleged transgressions after he died this summer, Vick is now the most polarizing public figure alive. Half the country wants to see him put to death, the other half wants to see him cash in on his second chance. He's reached a George W. Bushian level of divisiveness at this point).

Alan Garner: Hey what's that on your arm?
Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan Garner: Are you okay?
To Adrian Peterson. Look, the reason this guy even fell to the Vikings with the 8th pick in the draft two years ago was because he was quite possibly the biggest injury risk in Oklahoma history in college. Combine this with the fact that the Vikings shot themselves in the foot, karma-wise, when they signed Brett Favre and that every expert seems ready to present the Vikings with the divisional title already (always a warning sign) and Purple Jesus's knees must be quivering. Keep this in mind on Fantasy Draft Day, too--if your league allows you to trade down from the first pick, you should be initiating a bidding war for it that would make Billy Beane jealous.

Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
To Donte Stallworth. Enjoy probation while Plaxico Burress does time for a crime that didn't kill anyone. Our country is so fucking backwards.

(Okay, the pilot just turned on the "No Political Ranting" sign.)

Stu Price: Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
Alan Garner: Yes.
To the Chicago Bears. Congratulations, guys! Your franchise's savior is a combined 28-54 in college and the pros. Two years ago, he effectively ruined Denver's season and cost Mike Shanahan the job he had held for 13 years. This past off-season, he made headlines by whining himself onto the trading block--something unheard of for an alleged franchise quarterback. Granted, you're better off with this head case than Kyle Orton and his "Hand That Rocks the Cradle" beard, but this still should've sent off far more warning signs to Bears management than it actually did.

(I'm completely torn on the NFC North right now. On the one hand, it's the most competitive division in football--three teams can very easily win it. On the other hand, all three teams have something fundamentally wrong with them--Minnesota is relying on a 40-year-old quarterback with a penchant for killing teams at this point in his career and a running back who might as well be made of porcelain, Chicago and Green Bay both have no depth, and Chicago's main offseason acquisitions were a snakebit quarterback and an over-the-hill left tackle to boot. I have no idea what to expect, other than that the Detroit Lions will almost certainly finish fourth.)

Black Doug: Hey man I can be your Doug!
To Kerry Collins, who--believe it or not--has an outside shot to end this season with more career passing yards than Joe Montana. How the hell did that happen? Wasn't he supposed to be a bust? Didn't he go unwanted for the longest time?

Stu Price: Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!
To the aforementioned Kyle Orton, who will surely guide the Broncos to their fourth straight playoffless season.

Phil Wenneck: Fuck, I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!
To the Baltimore Ravens. You thought this one was going to the Bengals, didn't you? But everyone keeps forgetting about the Ravens. They've still got Ray Lewis, and the best defense in the NFL. And Joe Flacco, Ray Rice and Mark Clayton comprise one of the best young offensive cores in the league. Losing Bart Scott and Rex Ryan is not going to hurt them as bad as you think.

Stu Price: I look like a nerdy hillbilly!
To my Super Bowl prediction. I really don't like anyone all that much. The Steelers are good, but they really weren't that dominant last year until the playoffs, and they didn't make any big acquisitions. The Patriots are good, but Tom Brady hasn't played in well over a year, there is no running game to speak of, and Randy Moss isn't getting any younger. Ditto for Donovan McNabb, which makes the Eagles iffy at best. The Giants have no go-to wide receiver with Plax behind bars. The Vikings, I've covered already. Arizona still can't stop anyone, and still can't play on the road. Tennessee is still reliant on Kerry Collins to run their team. Isn't that pretty much every serious contender?

Like last season, I think it's going to be an ugly NFL season. I don't think we're going to have a dominant team who everyone knows runs shit. And in seasons like that, as I stated a year ago when making my midseason picks, the Super Bowl winner is usually the team that does one thing really, really well--better than any other team does any other thing. I took Tennessee, while noting that Pittsburgh fit the same mold--stifling defense, steady run game, capable game-manager quarterback: not flashy, but fundamentally solid and talented. This year, I'm saying the same thing. I think the Titans win it all. If they don't the Steelers are my second pick.