Random Thoughts 9/12/09: Tate Forcier is SO getting laid tonight

College Football: We're going to run this off list-style.
1. If Wisconsin doesn't learn how to tackle, they are in for another 8-5 season capped off with a crushing loss to a random SEC team in a shitty mid-December bowl. Clay looked superb, the secondary looked alternately awesome and porous, and the front seven couldn't stop a good high school team.
2. Who had the worst weekend?
A. Sparty
B. Charlie Weis's FUPA*
C. Everyone in the state of Oklahoma
D. Every random person Michael Jordan shat on in his Hall of Fame address.

*Charlie Weis no longer exists. You hear me? He's "Charlie Weis's FUPA." Think of him in the same way you thought of Theo Ratliff's Expiring Contract, or Fred Taylor's Groin. Or Brett Favre's Ego, for that matter.

3. Tate Forcier is for real. Dude did everything short of teabagging Touchdown Jesus today.

(Any other situation, and I'd be lining him up for my fantasy team two years down the road already. But with Michigan? I give his ACL four weeks. The universe hates Rich Rodriguez, this is a fact.)

NFL: Packers-Bears tomorrow night to kick off the season. I'm skipping the Tucker Max movie premiere for it, and there is no hesitation on my part. The Packers are now the most sympathetic franchise in all of sports. We're competing for the division title with Brett Favre and Jay Cutler, the most hateable athletes on the planet. My picks for the weekend (home team in CAPS):

STEELERS (-6) over Titans No, I'm not going to change this one after the fact. I'm honest like that.
Broncos (+4) over BENGALS Wait a minute, Kyle Orton on the road... Screw it. They're still the Bengals.
TEXANS (-4.5) over Jets Put it this way: if you're playing the Texans' defense on your fantasy team this week, you're going to be pleasantly surprised. Rookie quarterback, hostile crowd, aggressive 3-4 defense? Sounds like a recipe for turnovers.
Vikings (-4) over BROWNS Adrian Peterson, meet the 22nd-ranked run defense in the NFL. 22nd-ranked run defense in the NFL, say goodbye to Adrian Peterson as he racks up 178 yards and three touchdowns on you.
SAINTS (-13) over Lions Ladies and gentlemen, your Suicide Pool Sure Thing Of The Week! 0-17? I think so.
COLTS (-7) over Jaguars Has any team ever quit on their coach two seasons in a row before? Is that even possible? Will we find out this year?

(The answers are "Pretty sure not," "Apparently so," and "Looks like it.")

My BAC (+.05) over MY GPA Both should hover somewhere around the "2" range. I'm confident that the additional football in my life will help one, and not the other.
RAVENS (-13) over Chiefs As a general rule, if a team has had their current offensive coordinator for less than 2 weeks, you should not pick them.
Cowboys (-6) over BUCS As a general rule, if a team has had their current offensive coordinator for less than 2 weeks, you should not pick them.
PATS (-10.5) over Bills As a general rule, if a team has had their current offensive coordinator for less than 2 weeks, you should not pick them.
49ers (+6.5) over CARDINALS Has the Super Bowl Loser Jinx ever happened before the season even started? As little as the preseason means, the Cards looked putrid.
Eagles (-2) over PANTHERS Is there a less exciting team in the NFL than the Panthers? I think not.
GIANTS (-6.5) over Redskins This one is not going to be that close.
SEAHAWKS (-8.5) over Rams Has any sports team ever had a more bipolar decade than the Rams? They came into the Aughts as the Greatest Show on Turf, they leave as the frontrunners in the Tim Tebow Sweepstakes. Not even Britney Spears fell off this hard the past 10 years.
PACKERS (-3.5) over Bears I've been explaining this one for weeks.
FALCONS (-4) over Dolphins Perpetual Lame Duck Quarterback Chad Pennington, I wish you luck with whatever team you end up on next year. Thanks for that miracle season and all, but your accuracy and game management just aren't sexy enough to keep us from rolling the dice with Chad Henne. Signed, Management.

(By the way, along the same lines as Charlie Weis's FUPA, the Miami quarterback shall forever be known in this space as Perpetual Lame Duck Quarterback Chad Pennington. Has any player been given up on this many times for no real reason? And more importantly, has any sports blogger ever found a way to work so many rhetorical questions into one post? I feel like I accomplished something special today.)
Chargers (-9) over RAIDERS It's not gonna be a good year for quarterbacks named Jamarcus. Just a gut feeling.