Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe presents The Your Name Here NFL Power Rankings: Week 3 Edition (Part I)

Another great weekend of football, and I felt like this needed to be done. As always, these are one man's opinion: if you disagree, feel free to tell me why.

The Sam Bradford Sweepstakes
32. Cleveland
If you replace one proven shitty QB with another proven shitty QB, does it make a sound? Not a great showing for the city of Cleveland. The Browns blew (as usual) this weekend, the Indians are long out of contention, and The Cleveland Show was as bad, if not worse, than the Browns. Hey, at least you're not Detroit. Though this weekend, that might not be the badge of honor it once was.

31. Kansas City
Just goes to show you... when your starting QB has started a total of 15 games in the past 8 years, your head coach has never been a head coach at any level, and your offensive coordinator was literally hired less than a week before the season started--well, that doesn't bode well in any way. Hey, remember when Larry Johnson was a game-changing back?

30. Tampa Bay
Thanks for playing, Byron Leftwich. Stop by on your way out and help yourself to one of our fabulous prizes. Just make sure to pull the giant fork out of your back first, lest you get stuck in the doorway. Hey, remember when the Tampa defense could actually stop people?

(I'm getting mean. Sorry, KC and TB fans. I'll stop.)

29. Oakland
Jamarcus Russell is bad. I mean really, really bad. He's a surefire guarantee for the inaugural class of the Ahmad Carroll All-Stars. As long as he's on the field, Oakland has a shot at 1-15 this year.

(Seriously, you don't believe me? Take a look at the NFL leaders for passer rating. Russell is .2 points better than he would be if he simply dropped back and threw the ball into the ground on every play.)

28. Miami
When Davone Bess is starting at WR for your team, well, Davone Bess is starting at WR for your team. On one hand, they've played three contenders so far, and looked good against two of them. On the other hand, Chad Henne figures to be in the picture for the duration. And they're still 3 games in the hole.

27. Carolina
Remember those passer rating rankings? Jake Delhomme is very much comparable to Russell. Yeah, they're not getting back to the playoffs.

On Life Support
26. St. Louis
They get a bump out of the Bradford division as a reward for looking mildly frisky against the Packers. Amazingly enough, Kyle Boller looked--dare I say it--competent. I never thought I'd see the day. On the strength of that, they get saved from the bottom division. However, they managed to make the Packer offensive line look fantastic (!) after the first two weeks were the exact opposite. So it's not like they're going to be stopping anyone anytime soon. And they are riding a 13-game losing streak.

25. Detroit
Once again, Washington bails out Detroit.

(Thank you, thank you. I'm here all night.)

Shaky At Best
24. Washington
Clinton Portis has quietly failed to reach 80 yards rushing in a game yet this year. If you drafted him for your fantasy team this year, go ahead and bang your head against a wall. It's ok, I'll wait.

(Waiting...)

Okay, much better, right? Washington's schedule, Weeks 2-6 inclusive: St. Louis, Detroit, Tampa Bay, Carolina, Kansas City. All that's missing is St. Mary's School For The Blind.

23. Buffalo
On the bright side, they held New Orleans to 27 points. On the brighter side, Miami and Cleveland are the next two opponents. On a gloomier front, I saw Terrell Owens's face on the side of a milk carton at lunch today. Money well spent, Buffalo.

22. Seattle
This week, the Seneca Wallace Gambling Profit Train makes a stop in Indianapolis. Quick guess: which quarterback is going to look competent, and which one is going to be suffering from a chronic case of Deer-In-The-Headlightis, Peyton Manning or Seneca Wallace?

The Sky Is Falling
21. Tennessee
Now, we're getting into "Good teams who have been really, really crappy thus far." Three losses by a combined 13 points. Things will get better. Maybe not division championship better, but this is not an 0-3 team.

20. Jacksonville
Welcome to Game 20 of the "We've Officially Quit on Jack Del Rio" era! Exciting times! Unrelated, but David Garrard is 31 years old. He doesn't have potential left. For some reason, everyone seems to think he's 26 and will keep getting better. What you see is what you get.

19. Arizona
Leading rushers for Arizona in their Week 1 and 3 losses: Wells, 29; Hightower; 22. Is this something that might become an issue long-term? I think so.

On The Fringe
18. San Francisco
Shaun Hill officially looks good. And they're a lucky Brett Favre heave away from 3-0. That being said, their two wins are a 4-point squeaker over Arizona and a win over the Seneca Wallace-led Seahawks. Not exactly an impressive body of work. If they can take down Atlanta in Week 5, we're in business.

17. Houston
They're following the early-decade Rams path: electric offense led by an elite running back and a great quarterback plucked off the scrap heap, and a defense who absolutely can't stop anyone. Are they a playoff team? In the AFC South Featuring The Colts, they just might be. But they have work to do before that happens.

16. Pittsburgh
Two losses in a row--to Chicago and Cincy no less--and the Steelers have to be worried. They get a pass for doing it without Troy Polamalu, though. With him, they are not a 1-2 team.

15. Philadelphia
Here's a question: with the Week 6 trade deadline approaching, and a roster featuring Donovan McNabb, Jeff Garcia, Mike Vick and Kevin Kolb, why have the Iggles not made any trade offers out to Oakland and/or Carolina? Can't they get one of them to overpay for Vick? If not, isn't Garcia an upgrade over anything either of those teams have--and for the Eagles, a sale they can make that is all profit? This makes too much sense--this is why I could never be an NFL general manager.

Coming later: Part II. And I mean it this time.