Some thoughts before we begin...
-The bottom half of the league is in bad shape. Injuries have not helped this. But the gap between the haves and the have-nots in the NFL is bigger than I can ever remember.
-I've advocated trading Matt Flynn in the past. At this point, if he wants to stay I'd say keep him. There are a number of teams who are ranked 5-6 spots lower than they otherwise would, because their backup quarterback is trash. I like Flynn. I think he rates in at "competent NFL starter," which would make a dozen teams salivate at this point. But I also see Houston fans talking themselves into Matt Cassel, and a Caleb Hanie/Nathan Enderle controversy on the horizon in Chicago, and Kansas City in a division that's ripe for the picking but stuck with Tyler Fucking Palko calling the shots... it's terrifying.
(By the way, that Chicago thing? It's coming. Mike Martz HATES Hanie. Hates him with a passion. Remember the NFC Championship? I know I do. But do you remember Todd Collins? How completely fucking incompetent he looked when he was put into the game? He was AHEAD of Hanie on the depth chart--that's how much faith Martz has in him. Enderle is Martz's handpicked draft pick. Enderle split snaps with Hanie running the No. 2 offense for the Bears in training camp. If Hanie struggles, he could be on a short leash.)
The "Cleveland Without LeBron" Division
32. Indianapolis
It's eerie how Peyton Manning is turning into Brett Favre #2... the durability, the perplexingly lonely ring after extended dominance, the place in the Greatest of All Time debate... now the fan base subtly turning on them in favor of the younger quarterback, the hints at coming back... are we two years away from Andrew Luck getting fried by Manning's Tennessee Titans, then coming back and curbstomping them the next year as Manning falls apart and retires in shame, revealing he "accidentally" texted pictures of his cock to Kenny Chesney?
The Turd Sandwich (aka NFC West) Division
31. Arizona
Well, it turned out that San Fran was the lone competent one in this division. Meanwhile, the Cards paid roughly $6.50 on the dollar for a quarterback who can't even show that he's convincingly better than John
30. St. Louis
A game worse than 'Zona, but I think they're a better play the rest of the way. So there. I'm still humiliated by my "StL to win NFC West" preseason bet. I'd have been better off lighting that money on fire. If gambling were legal, of course.
29. Seattle
In the translated words of the groundskeepers from Major League? They're still shitty. Not much more needs to be said. Seems Pete Carroll isn't that great of a coach when everyone else gets to pay the players too.
The Gallons of Suck Division
28. Kansas City
Every time Tyler Palko underthrows his target right into the waiting arms of a defender, an angel gets his wings. The Chiefs might be a team to watch next year--Cassel and Charles injuries derailed this season, and they'll get a Top 5 pick. Keep an eye on them--you know, if you live somewhere that gambling is legal.
27. Carolina
Cam Newton looks like either the Evolutionary Michael Vick or the Evolutionary Akili Smith. There's no in between. But Carolina fans just urped in their mouth a little bit.
26. Minnesota
These guys are 2-8. Doesn't feel like it, does it? I mean they're bad, but you have to feel like they should have a win or two more. Anyway, I'm ranking them high because I feel like they can compete with most teams, even if they can't win.
25. Miami
They're showing signs of life. On the downside, they don't get Andrew Luck anymore. On the bright side, they might finish ahead of Buffalo at this rate.
24. Washington
Had them ranked three spots lower, then remembered that Rex Grossman is back. By the way, whenever Rex Grossman is enough to vault your team three spots up, um, that's a really bad thing. Enjoy the Arena League, John Beck.
The Large 32oz Combo Meal of Suck Division
23. Cleveland
These guys don't suck by the gallon, but they're still a great collection of suckitude. If the Packers are unable to convince Matt Flynn to stay, Cleveland makes a hell of a lot of sense as a destination for him. On the other hand, they're from Cleveland--by signing there, he's pretty much saying "fuck you" to his ACL or something.
22. Jacksonville
Taking the approach of "We're going to keep the offense in second gear so Gabbert doesn't freak out, let him be confident, and accept that this is going to be a 4-5 win season. Meanwhile, start up talks with LA about a stadium deal." Okay, I'm assuming the last part. But still.
21. San Diego
Phillip Rivers seems hell-bent on breaking the one Brett Favre record that Aaron Rodgers isn't aiming for--the interception one. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. And is there a more toothless backfield pairing than Ryan Mathews and Mike Tolbert? They don't even get "poor man's" status--they're the homeless man's Willie Parker and Jerome Bettis. I regard coming back for seconds with Mathews this season in fantasy football to be a mistake on par with going back for seconds with any piece of questionable pussy I've had. Once can be a fluke, but once you've blown that second chance you're done. Never again.
The Mediocrity Division
20. Tampa
Just a season ago, they were a 10-win team. Today, they need to win out to match that. They've got the fourth worst point differential in the league. And, uh, I don't think Albert Haynesworth is going to be much help. After four losses in a row, it's gut check time in Tampa.
19. Tennessee
The Tennessee Titans of the National Football League would like to take this opportunity to ask for your help. It appears that our running back has gone missing. He answers to the name Chris Johnson and he is usually very hard to tackle, though recently folks haven't been having much trouble. $50 reward.
18. Buffalo
It's lucky that the Bills and Buccaneers avoid each other--the way they've both played this past month, I don't think you can pick a winner out of that matchup. Remember our last Power Poll, when this team's number was a third of what it is now? Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like such a spectacular waste of $50 million that the United States federal government is toying with the idea of purchasing his contract.
The Dead Hype Division
17. Philadelphia
Worth noting: after this weekend, Philly closes their schedule with SEA-MIA-NYJ-DAL-WAS. That looks like a possible 5-0 run, even with Vince Young. Meanwhile, they're chasing Tom Coughlin and Tony Romo, two of the most notable choke artists of our time. We're about three weeks away from the torch being passed to the Eagles as the potential snuck-in-the-playoffs team that nobody wants to play. "Eagles to win NFC East" is actually a pretty good value bet--don't count on it as a sure thing, but it could pay off huge.
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