Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe presents The Your Name Here NFL Power Rankings: Week 13 Edition (Part I)

Hopefully, we can get a sponsor for this thing by next year. If you're interested, contact my agent (who, coincidentally enough seeing as how I've made exactly $4.72 as a result of this blog, is myself). In the meantime, this is the last one of these I'm doing before the playoffs. So enjoy.

The Mr. Hankey Division

32. St. Louis
It's not even close. Had Detroit not set futility history a year ago, they'd be in the "Worst of All-Time" discussion. You have to hand it to Steven Jackson. The fact that he hasn't gone on a three-state killing spree at this point is a testament to his will and character.

31. Tampa Bay
Funny how they switch starting quarterbacks, the new guy puts up one or two reasonably decent performances, dupes the fans and media into believing that he's the guy, then falls apart faster than, well, Tiger Woods' credibility? At this point, why not rotate Leftwich, Johnson and Freeman every week? What have you got to lose?

(And for those keeping track at home, that's two Tiger jokes already. And you thought I was more dignified than that.)

30. Cleveland
Where does "Derek Anderson's Agent" rank on the list of "Jobs I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy?" Is it above, or below "Rosie O'Donnell's toilet scrubber," "Chris Brown's Girlfriend," and "Gary Busey's PR Guy?" A question for the ages.

(Worth noting: The Browns moved up from 31 to 30 as a result of beating the Steelers Thursday night. At any point in history, could a 1-11 team beat the defending Super Bowl champion and only move up 1 spot before now? In the words of the grounds crew from the movie Major League, "They're still shitty.")

29. Detroit
A year ago, they were the worst team in the history of the sport. With apologies to the expansion Buccaneers. This year, there are 3 teams worse than them in their season alone. Does this qualify them for Most Improved Team of the Year? Some will say yes--and this speaks more to the awfulness of last year's Hello Kitties than anything else.

28. Oakland
Has any player in any sport, ever, killed his stock as quickly and decisively as Jamarcus Russell? Yes, I know he's the only Oakland player I've talked about pretty much all season long. But the dude deserves the attention for how badly he has sunk. Two years ago he was a potential franchise player, worth $68 million. Now? You couldn't find a team in the league that will take his contract on for free. He's a quarterback who can't throw, which is unfortunate since throwing is the majority of your job as quarterback. You wouldn't hire a secretary who can't type. You wouldn't hire a sniper who can't aim. Why would you draft a quarterback #1 overall who has no sense of aiming the ball? I can understand someone who is below average, with hopes that he will improve. You can move "Needs Improvement" up to "Good,"--see "Rodgers, Aaron." But to draft someone with no talent for it at all, in hopes that he will someday be passable? It's never worked out before. And again, it didn't work out. Stick a fork in his career. He's done.

27. Kansas City
I originally had them in the next division. But upon further review, the "Wait 'Til Next Year!" Division is for teams with youth, promise, and just need it all to develop--wheras the "Mr. Hankey Division" is for teams who are, well, pure shit. Upon further review, KC fits in the second group. They released the only player on their roster ever regarded as All-Pro caliber. They mortgaged their future for a quarterback who, removed from top-shelf surroundings in New England, ranks between Brady Quinn and Marc Bulger for passer rating. All in all, with respect to Herm Edwards, I just don't see how we can build on this.

The "Wait 'Til Next Year" Division

26. Carolina
They've got a respectable defense. They've got a good running game. They've got Steve Smith. And they've got Jake Delhomme and Matt Moore shooting themselves in the foot cutting both of their feet off. Give them a passable game manager, and they're a contender. Give them a franchise signal-caller, and they're in the NFL's elite.

25. Washington
They were worse than people thought at the beginning of the year, and they're better than people think now. Since their bye week, they've been in every game; and in the past three weeks they lost to Dallas, Philadephia, and New Orleans--a combined 28-8--by a combined 7 points.

24. Buffalo
They finally got rid of Dick Jauron. Which, if nothing else, gives them some semblance of hope for next year. The roster might be a C-, but the coach is no longer an F.

The Terminally Flawed Division

23. Chicago
Jay Cutler is not a franchise quarterback. Franchise quarterbacks win games. Cutler posts gaudy numbers against inferior opponents, and occasionally frequently cripples his team by throwing to the wrong jersey repeatedly. But they should have Brian Urlacher back next year, and Matt Forte is a year more experienced. So, I guess you can hope.

22. New York Jets
They're not there. If Mark Sanchez cuts the Jay Cutler Memorial "Throw 4 Picks And Cripple My Team" routine out of his repertoire, they're in business. Work on that, Mark, then we'll talk.

(For the record: Rex Ryan has completely turned their defense around. They look good. Not great, but good. He'll turn them into "great" eventually.

21. Seattle
The most boring team in the entire NFL. And they play in the worst division. It's almost criminal. I hate to talk about them for more than four sentences, so let's move on.

20. Houston
They're a team with no stability. Until Matt Schaub can figure out how to not collapse with a fourth-quarter lead, until they can decide between Ryan Moats and Steve Slaton, until their defense can decide if they are all-world or Gawd-awful... they're stuck at #20, in my version of Football Purgatory. We're not talking about a lack of potential. But it's gotta come together at some point.

The Almost-Competent Division

19. San Francisco
They're a contender, purely as a result of the division they play in. And, for the record, let's take a look at the difference between a "very good" running back and a "great" running back:

Very Good Running Back--He keeps his team respectable. He puts up awesome stats, breaks big gains, and gives his fans hope--but, he's unable to carry them over the hump. He can take a mediocre supporting cast and make them appear passable, but not good. See "Gore, Frank."

Great Running Back--He carries his team. He puts up awesome stats, takes over in crunch time, and simply throttles lesser teams. Despite the best efforts of his supporting cast, he is that fucking good that his team is always respectable. With Scott Mitchell and Wayne Fontes doing their best to undermine him, he can single-handedly carry his team to the playoffs. Opponents gameplan for him, disregarding anything the passing game might have to offer. See "Sanders, Barry."

If Gore can carry the Niners to the division, despite the notable handicap of Alex Smith? He at least is sniffing the second category. If not? I'm not so sure.

18. Miami
Chad Henne doesn't look that bad. Ted Ginn Jr., on the other hand, does. He wasn't as bad a pick as Russell, but he's gotta be one of the worst of 2007. So many illogical choices in that draft. Russell over everybody. Ginn over Marshawn Lynch. Adam Carricker over Darelle Revis. Stunning.

17. Pittsburgh
These guys were at 13 until the Browns beat them. As it stands? Five and a row, and they need to win out to make the playoffs--maybe. The rest of the middle of the AFC just chest-bumped each other.

16. Tennessee
Perhaps the definitive "day late and a dollar short" team of the decade. What happens if they start Vince Young from Day One? They're top 10 at least, right, if not top 5? Does anyone want to play them at this point?

15. Jacksonville
They're a rich man's version of Seattle--a kinda-sorta okay football team that doesn't really excite anyone. Yet, they're 7-5 and looking at a possible playoff game, despite being so plain-vanilla that their own fans won't even come out to watch them. I say the Football Gods smite them down the stretch, justifying this low ranking.

Coming this afternoon... Part II