This afternoon, we took a look at Part I of the Power Rankings--or, as it could've been called, "The Anti-Playoffs Revisited." Tonight, we shift our focus from the processed lunch meat of the NFL to the Kobe beef--or at least the sirloin.
(Mmm... sirloin)
(Parentheses denotes rank in the Week 3 Power Rankings)
I Can't Take You Seriously As A Contender
16. Philadelphia (15)
They lost to the fucking Raiders. I can't take them seriously as a contender since that.
(When London Fletcher's knee raped Brian Westbrook in the head, I considered dousing myself in kerosene and finding a fireplace to jump into. Worst fantasy injury of the year, save for that guy sticking a giant fork in LaDanian Tomlinson's back. Take out the Saints Week 2, and they've got one of the easiest-looking schedules in recent memory. Sorry, Philly.)
15. NY Jets (8)
If your rookie quarterback is at double-digit interceptions at this point in the season, I can't take you seriously as a contender.
(Has there ever been a more hyped trade that wasn't really all that impressive before Braylon Edwards went to the Jets? So you're adding the most stone-handed WR in the league? Congrats, guys.
14. Arizona (19)
If you're playing in the NFC West, even if you're leading the division, I can't take you seriously as a (Super Bowl) contender. Though, as stated with the Niners, I cheerfully look forward to betting against you in the playoffs. Worst division in football history. Easily.
13. Dallas (12)
If you're quarterback and coach both graduated from the Karl Malone School of Inexplicably and Incurably Getting The Yips During Big Games, I can't take you seriously as a contender.
(Yes, this is two straight Power Rankings in which I've compared Romo to Malone. No, nobody else seems to have picked up on this comparison. Yes, I will continue to beat it into the ground until everyone else notices. Any more questions?)
The Flawed Contenders
12. Baltimore (2)
They're 0-3 since I Power Ranked them 2nd and deemed them the Dyansty to Watch for the coming decade. The lesson, as always? There's a reason I'm not doing this shit for ESPN Insider. Though I still think they're a legit contender, as long as they can figure out how to stop the pass.
11. Atlanta (9)
They do everything good, but nothing really great. They beat the teams they should, but can't quite compete with the elites. Most of their players fit the team well: very good, but comes up just short of great. Then again, compared to the Joey Harrington-led team of two years ago, you can't really complain about that.
10. Green Bay (11)
It's frustrating, really: give this team a passably good offensive line and they're one of the top two teams in the NFC. Aaron Rodgers has emerged as an All-Pro quarterback, the defense has turnover-forcing ability all around, Ryan Grant is good enough to be threatening... only the line can't keep anyone at bay.
(Unintentional Comedy of the Week: The article in the Journal-Sentinel the other day praising Allen Barbre for coming on the past two weeks after a shaky start--but neglecting to mention that the opponents these two weeks were Detroit and Cleveland, who are a combined 2-13.)
(Tragedy of the Week: The pain that Jared "The Mullet" Allen will inflict on Rodgers this weekend. The best pass rusher in the league against the worst pass protection in the league? Yipes.)
Looking Legitimate
9. Houston (17)
Best play-calling in the league. They've finally hit the epiphany. "Hey, we've got Steve Slaton and Andre Johnson, two of the most explosive players in the league. Let's give the ball to Slaton to keep the defense respecting the run, and have Johnson go deep and air it out to him to spread them out. When you've simply got the two most talented players on the field, maybe you should utilize one of them as close to 100% of the time as possible!"
8. Cincinatti (6)
7. Pittsburgh (16)
These two might as well be a coin flip. Both 5-2, within five points of each other in differential, Cincy won by 3 at home during Week 3 (home field is generally considered to be worth a field goal, at least when determining point spreads. If, of course, gambling were legal). They both have byes this week, then meet in Week 10. That game could decide the AFC North.
Contenders, Not Favorites
6. Minnesota (7)
Brett Favre has won them one game (the last-play Hail Mary against SF, a play only Favre or possibly Joe Montana could make out of every quarterback to ever play the game) and lost them another one (this past weekend against PIT, when his scoop-and-score and pick-six singlehandedly handed the game to the Men of Steel, plays only Favre or possibly Tony Romo could make out of every quarterback to play the game). These guys are just as 6-1 with Sage Rosenfels at the helm.
5. NY Giants (4)
They're ranked this high based on brand name and won-loss record. Losing to the Saints was expected, and they outplayed Arizona but were done in by the return of uber-shaky Elisha Manning. If he rebounds, they're in good shape. If he doesn't, they're in trouble--and with Philly, Atlanta and Denver sandwiching the Chargers and a bye, trouble could come very soon and very heavily.
The "Nobody Believed In Us!" Division
4. New England (13)
Quarterback coming back off of knee surgery... missed the playoffs last year... lukewarm start... and two resounding wins. Yes, they can pound the crappy teams into the ground. And they've got quality wins over Atlanta and Baltimore. But they come back from their bye week with Miami twice sandwiched around a very tough slate: Indy, the Jets (who beat them back in Week 2) and New Orleans. Run the table, and they probably sit at #1. Drop all three, and they're looking up at the Jets.
3. Denver (5)
Undefeated, with wins over Cincy, Dallas, and New England. Gotta give them respect now. Baltimore and Pittsburgh back to back now--two possible stumbling blocks. I don't see them running the table, but I don't see San Diego, Oakland or Kansas City rising from the dregs to challenge them. And three games remaining against the latter two teams guarantees them a nine-win season, which is more than anyone took them for at the beginning.
The Unquestionable Best
2. Indianapolis (3)
After two ugly wins to start the season, the Ponies have been on cruise control. Peyton Manning, known for his inability to carry his team early in his career, looks like a goddamned assassin on the field. He's reached "Brady in '07, Favre in '96" territory: you absolutely know he is going to crush you, it's just a matter of when, where, and how hard. And Reggie Wayne looks about as hard to cover as a ghost.
1. New Orleans (1)
They're averaging almost 40 points per game. In games in which Drew Brees tops 250 yards per passing, they've scored at least 40 every time. They've got the best quarterback of the decade, two underrated running backs, a gamebreaking tight end, and can go 4 wide with guys who would start on most teams in the league. And they hold this spot for the second time in a row.
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