(Parentheses denotes rank in the Week 3 Power Rankings)
The Cam Cameron Division
32. St. Louis (26)
Proof positive that there is such a thing as minor league football.
31. Tennessee (21)
Remember my pre-season preview, when I mentioned that Kerry Collins had a shot at finishing the season better than Joe Montana in career passing yards? At the time, we didn't realize something: Kerry Collins is completely, unequivocally done. Golf clap for Kerry. You had a good run. But any time you toss up a 2/14 for negative yardage, with a QB rating of 0, it's time to consider hanging 'em up.
30. Tampa Bay (30)
You'll find a common thread among the bottom dozen or so teams on this list: truly awful quarterbacking. The lesson here, as always? When the head is mutated, the entire body is going to be a failure. And the lesson from Tampa's season? Josh Johnson isn't good. I covered this on Monday. Let's stop talking like he's capable. He's now 0-5 as a starter. If there was talent there, it would've shown itself by now.
The Fraternity Of Failure
29. Cleveland (32)
As much as I've bagged on Jamarcus Russell this year, Derek Anderson has been decidedly worse since having the starting job thrust upon him by Brady Quinn's suckitude. Here's the quote from Eric Mangini: “I think he gives us the best chance right now to move the ball.” I'm not sure if that's a reflection of Mangini being dropped on his head as a child or Quinn being that much of a bust. The truth probably lies somewhere in between.
28. Oakland (29)
I just spent 10 minutes sitting here, trying to think of a way to write about Oakland without using the words "Jamarcus Russell." And I couldn't do it. Give them Tom Brady, and this is a playoff team. Give them JR or the immortal Bruce Gradkowski and, well, they're in the Fraternity of Failure.
27. Washington (24)
When you can go 2-4 playing against six teams who are coming into your game winless... well, you're bound to end up in the bottom 5 teams. And why hasn't anyone brought back the "lipstick on a pig" analogy made famous by Sarah Palin to describe the Sherman Lewis situation? It doesn't matter if God himself is calling the plays--if you've got the personnel that Chainsaw Dan Snyder has assembled trying to execute them, you're not going to end up any better than 6-10.
26. Kansas City (31)
Over/under on "Weeks until some bored high school kid in Kansas City starts taping pictures of Larry Johnson to the back of the milk cartons sold in the lunch room:" Off the board. I'm shocked it hasn't happened already.
25. Detroit (25)
The biggest differences between last year's Lions and this year's Lions?
-A new head coach, who assigns parking spaces for his players (parking: it's serious business!)
-This year, the teams surrounding them are considerably worse, so they aren't entrenched at 32 in this spot
-Thanks to the Washington Redskins, these guys aren't going down in history
24. Carolina (27)
The worst a team with a running game this good can possibly look. I'd love to get inside John Fox's mind. I can't imagine what would force a coach to think "Okay, I've got a solid offensive line, two great running backs, and a quarterback who has a permanent case of deer-in-the-headlitis... I think we need to throw at least 2/3rds of the time to be successful."
A Whiff Of Talent
23. Seattle (22)
They're better than their record. Remember, these guys had to deal with the Seneca Wallace Traveling Sideshow for three weeks. They're still 2-1 without him. Then again, they failed to score a touchdown in that one loss, and their wins came against Jacksonville and St. Louis.
(The verdict? They're not a playoff team, but we'll keep them out of the FoF. For now.)
22. Miami (28)
The Miami Fire Department has issued a new operating rule: in the event that a building is burning and a mother has to toss her child out of the building to save him, Ted Ginn Jr. is not allowed within two miles of said building. Just not a risk worth taking. They'd be a good 5 spots higher if they had decided to play a second 30 minutes against the Saints.
The Art Shell Memorial "Our Coach Is Killing Us!" Division
21. San Diego (10)
Maybe we should make it the "Our Coach And Allegedly Hall-Of-Fame Caliber Running Back Are Killing Us!" Division. Here's a selection from the play-by-play of last week's Chiefs game. Keep in mind--this is at the goal line against a team with one fucking win this season.
2nd-2, KC2 1:50 L. Tomlinson rushed up the middle for 1 yard gain
3rd-1, KC1 1:23 L. Tomlinson rushed to the left for no gain
4th-1, KC1 0:37 L. Tomlinson rushed to the left for no gain
Brutal. Just brutal.
20. Buffalo (23)
I'm about 25% sure that Dick Jauron has stopped caring at this point. It's the only way to possibly explain this team's season so far. Every coaching job comes with postage paid.
19. Jacksonville (20)
Maybe the least entertaining team in the league. Outside of the NFC West, at least. I can't think of one legitimate reason to watch them. Even Jack Del Rio seems resigned to his eventual firing. It's like the Death Row of football teams.
The Jekyll & Hyde Division
18. San Francisco (18)
That smoldering wreck you see off to the side? That's the Shaun Hill bandwagon, wrapped around a lightpole. We're still piecing through the wreckage for survivors, but it doesn't look good. The sad thing is, these guys could still easily take the division, despite the crappiness of everyone they have throwing the ball. I'm excited to bet against them in the playoffs.
17. Chicago (14)
They've looked really good twice (Pittsburgh, Seattle), expectably good once (Detroit), expectably bad once (Atlanta) and excurciating twice (GB, Cincy). And Ced Benson's performance last week ranks at least a 9.3 on the Vengeance Scale. Just crippling for Bear fans. Not that I care or anything.
Coming soon: Part II
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