Week 5 NFL Picks

Vikings (-10) over RAMS
This has the potential to be the biggest blowout of the season. Any line inside -50 you HAVE to go for the Vikings. Though the good news is with the new USFL, the Rams are one move away from being competitive next year!

Cowboys (-8) over CHIEFS
Here's the secret to this NFL season: There are about a half-dozen teams who are really, really good and about a half-dozen teams who are really, really bad. If you always pick agains the really, really bad teams and always pick the really, really good teams you are guaranteed to come out ahead in the long run.

In case you hadn't noticed, the Chiefs are in the "really really bad" category.

Redskins (+3.5) over PANTHERS
A look into the future: Craigslist Charlotte, two weeks from now.

WANTED: Starting quarterback. Experience a plus, but not necessary. Must not totally suck balls. We're really, really desperate here.

Buccaneers (+15) over EAGLES
This line is about 9 points too high. You had me for 6--nothing above that though. Kevin Kolb isn't good enough to justify it.

(Yes, I realize I just picked a really, really bad team. But at a three score line against a backup quarterback? Had to do it. Sometimes, you gotta win ugly.)

RAVENS (-8.5) over Bengals
Cedric Benson has been the reason the Bengals have been in every game they've played. And in case you didn't notice, nobody has been able to run on Baltimore, well, since they moved to Baltimore. Lay the points in this one and watch the carnage.

GIANTS (-15) over Raiders
Like the first game: they can't possibly make this line high enough. And as a bonus, this might be the week that Jamarcus Russell finally crosses the magical 39.6 "I'd be better off spiking the ball on every pass play" level. This is unprecedented territory.

LIONS (+10.5) over Steelers
The Steelers aren't a blowout team. They'll win this one by 7.

Browns (+6) over BILLS
What a comeback week. The Cleveland Show delivered a few laughs, and the Browns almost stuck it to the Bengals. Remember, Derek Anderson used to be good--the same can't be said about Trent Edwards. Or most of the Bills, for that matter.

Falcons (+2.5) over 49ERS
That line is Vegas' way of throwing their hands in the air and saying "We have no fucking clue how this game is going to end."

Jaguars (pick) over SEAHAWKS
I just threw up in my mouth a little. What an ugly matchup. In Sports Fan Hell, the bar serves warm beer and all 32 HDTVs are showing this game. And Mike Holmgren is prominently featured in HD. Let's just move on.

Broncos (+3.5) over PATRIOTS
This feels like a field-goal game to me. Not sure which way it's gonna go, but I don't see this one covering.

CARDINALS (-5.5) over Texans
I think this game marks the last breath of the Cardinals (and possibly Kurt Warner's career) before the death rattle starts. Warner goes for 350 and three scores, and the Cards win by double digits, before losing double digits for the season.

Colts (-3.5) over TITANS
The Vince Young clock is ticking. The Vince Young clock is ticking.

Jets (-1.5) over DOLPHINS
Welcome to the Chad Henne era or, as it is also known, "ka-ching."