My roommate and I were just discussing how much fun it would be to have a reverse playoffs. Bottom 6 teams from each side play, loser moves on. Try to find the worst team in the league. And they look awful. It's almost comical how bad they look.
Awesome idea. Couldn't agree more. And this is the season to do it, too. This year, all the NFL's decade-long attempts at parity have been blown to hell. The league's top teams all look invincible, or close to it. And the bottom-feeders are just plain awful. There are eight teams who not only have little chance to win against any team not a fellow member of the Fraternity of Futility, but you can lay the obscene point spreads that these teams are getting every week with confidence.
And you know what? Say what you will about parity, it's a fun season. Fantasy scoring is through the roof, as you know who to load up on every week (and they work out ever week). Vegas is taking a beating never before seen. And we can do fun, gimmicky things like this column: a hypothetical look at how a worst-of-the-worst anti-playoffs would look.
Here are the rules: Predictably, it's like the real playoffs, only the exact opposite. Worst record gets the byes and road-field disadvantage, with point margin being the tiebreaker. And the loser advances, all the way to the loser-fail-all Toilet Bowl between the two most pitiful teams in the league. Oh, and if anyone out there wants to simulate this using the most updated rosters from Madden 2010, feel free to do so. Just make sure to leave a comment with your results.
And now, on to the seedings. For the NFC...
1. St. Louis (0-7, -151 scoring margin)
2. Tampa Bay (0-7, -107)
3. Detroit (1-5, -85)
4. Carolina (2-4, -51)
5. Washington (2-4, -17)
6. Seattle (2-4, +9)
And the AFC...
1. Tennessee (0-6, -114)
2. Cleveland (1-6, -107)
3. Kansas City (1-6, -76)
4. Oakland (2-5, -115)
5. Miami (2-4, -6)
6. Buffalo (3-4, -25)
Yes, there are a few teams who do not belong in the "worst team in the league" discussion. So be it. Every year, some team backs into the real playoffs who has no shot at winning it all. So why should this be any different? On to the matchups...
Wild Card Round
3. Detroit at 6. Seattle
Remember what I said a paragraph ago about teams who do not belong in this discussion? Seattle, with a healthy Matt Hasselbeck, fits this bill. They're here because of the Seneca Wallace Era--with him on the pine, they're not a bad team. Seattle wins, Detroit advances.
4. Carolina at 5. Washington
Aided by a five-pick game a week ago, Mark Sanchez has 10 interceptions. Aided by a four-pick game against the Packers in Week 1, Jay Cutler has 10 interceptions. The two games previously mentioned are widely considered the worst single-game quarterbacking performances by anyone not named Jamarcus Russell. Jake Delhomme has 13 interceptions, enough to lead the league and trump both of the above players. What does this say? I'm not sure exactly, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with Carolina desperately needing someone, anyone, else to run the show. Washington wins, Carolina advances.
3. Kansas City at 6. Buffalo
Upset alert? Kansas City was looking lively until this weekend--hung within 11 points of the Giants, took the Cowboys to overtime, then beat Washington. Dick Jauron, meanwhile, barely edges out Norv Turner for the "Shakiest Coach in the League Award." If this one is remotely close (and KC can keep games close for the most part), Jauron finds a way to blow it. Kansas City wins, Buffalo advances.
4. Oakland at 5. Miami
This one isn't even close. One team has a great running game and a tricky Wildcat look, the other has the worst passing game in NFL history. Miami wins, Oakland advances.
Divisional Round
1. St. Louis at 4. Carolina
This one is a lot closer than you'd think. Both teams have a good rushing attack that would be better if they had an offensive line, a cripplingly bad quarterback, and no defense. The main difference is that Carolina's defense, while bad, is not as exceedingly bad as St. Louis's, and Carolina has receivers who can make plays. Carolina wins, St. Louis advances.
2. Tampa Bay at 3. Detroit
Now we're getting into the nitty gritty of the awful teams. Any one of the four teams left in the NFC could represent them in the Toilet Bowl with shame. While we're here, let's stop with the "Josh Johnson isn't that bad" talk. His quarterback rating of 50.9 places him 3.7 points higher than the notorious Jamarcus Russell and 5.6 points behind the previously-mentioned Delhomme. That's not "isn't that bad" territory. That's Ryan Leaf territory. Detroit wins, Tampa Bay advances.
1. Tennessee at 6. Buffalo
Here's the passing box score from the Titans' historically bad loss to New England:
| Tennessee Passing | ||||||
| C/ATT | YDS | AVG | TD | INT | RATING | |
| V. Young | 0/2 | 0 | 0.0 | 0 | 1 | 0.0 |
| K. Collins | 2/12 | -7 | -0.6 | 0 | 1 | 4.9 |
| Team | 2/14 | -7 | -0.5 | 0 | 2 | |
Yep, that's right. Depsite the notable handicap of not completing a pass, Vince Young was the team's leading passer. As bad as Buffalo is, there is no way they slip through this one. Buffalo wins, Tennessee advances.
2. Cleveland at 4. Oakland
Just another depressing matchup. The beleagured Russell is no longer the lowest-rated passer in the league--that plum now belongs to the once-heralded Derek Anderson. If Anderson was a baseball player, we would absolutely be cracking HGH jokes about his 2007 season. That being said, he can win ugly. Neither of these teams deserves to win this game. But... Cleveland wins, Oakland advances.
(Side note: these teams face each other during Week 16. Odds of Russell and Anderson still starting at that point in the season? Off the board.)
Conference Antichampionships
1. St. Louis at 2. Tampa Bay
The worst of the worst. Both teams are 0-7, both teams are downwards of 100 points in the hole, Steven Jackson is by far the best player in this game. Boller tries his hardest to spoil this, but Johnson tries just a little harder. This Bucs team should just go all the way and bring back the Bucco Bruce uniforms. St. Louis wins, Tampa Bay advances.
1. Tennessee at 4. Oakland
Just think--Tennessee was a field goal away from the real AFC championship a year ago. Biggest one-year fall in history? I think so. And they don't have Oakland on the schedule, so this matchup will never happen. But they've got a legit chance to join the ranks of the non-winless next week against Jacksonville, who is still fuming over missing the Playoffs of Putridity despite quitting on Jack Del Rio over a year ago. They're not as bad as they've played. Oakland is a different story. Tennessee wins, Oakland advances.
Toilet Bowl
2. Tampa Bay at 4. Oakland
Ironic, that this marks a rematch of XXXVII. Like then, these teams match up well: not a quarterback on either side, two talented but soft running backs running behind mediocre lines, two defenses who couldn't stop the sun from shining at midnight. Tampa's receivers are better, Oakland's defense is less bad. The Oakland secondary could occasionally give Johnson fits, but Russell could out-bad him despite the best efforts of Tampa's no-longer-feared defense. In the end, Tampa prevails--but not by any talent of their own. And Oakland is the reigning Worst Team in the NFL, as chosen by Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe.
Coming tomorrow or Wednesday: the second 2009 edition of the Your Name Here NFL Power Rankings!!!
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