So if you're still reading what I have to say, it's pretty safe to say that you think I'm a good writer. Either that, or you randomly found this page, have no idea what you're doing, and are trying to figure out who the hell this idiot who keeps ranting about Brett Favre is. One of the two.
But either way, "good" is an opinion. "Confident" is a statement of fact. I'm confident in my writings. When I click "Publish Post," I know that I'm putting something good out into teh Intarwebz.1 Writing is a skill, and like any skill it must be practiced. I've been doing this shit for years and years, dating back to well before my balls dropped. It's always fun, when you've done something for that long, to look back at some of your old work. The past day, I've had that chance.
I really got my start writing about sports in high school, when I was the sports editor of the monthly newsletter my senior year. I loved it--I could write freely about sports, get a grade for it, say what I wanted2 and everyone loved it. The lovably caustic asshole that lived inside of me really came out for the first time in that space, and I really started to develop into the writer, and the man, that I am today.
Yesterday, while searching for AA batteries in an old drawer, I came across an old jump drive. Plugging it in, I found copies of all the old columns from that year. I read through; at some points I was impressed with how far along I already was at that point in my writing life, at some points I found myself thinking "what in the bloody fuck was I trying to say there?" I'm sure five years down the line when I look back at these posts, it'll be a lot of the same.
Anyway, I wanted to take my favorite piece from that year and share it with you. At some points, I aim to share some other ones, as well--as well as other old works of mine. It was a monthly column, running from October to May (skipping January for winter break). This was December--I remember at the end of the year thinking it was my finest work, and in my opinion (though some of the references are a little dated) it holds up damn good to the stuff I'm even writing today. You'll notice footnotes, as well. There were a few already in this column. I want to re-print it as it was the day it was originally published--and at the same time, I want to spice some of my thoughts three years later in as well. So enjoy.
A fun fact for you to chew on while reading this New Year's (I will chug a Drano cocktail before I call it "Holiday Break," or use the despicable "Christmahannakwanzaka.3") edition of Pioneer Outlook: By the time you finish reading this edition of At the Buzzer, two more Cincinnati Bengals players will have been arrested.
Okay, maybe I"m exaggerating just a little, but the fact remains that we are witnessing felonious history. On Dec. 9, Cincy cornerback Deltha O'Neal blew a .10 at a traffic stop, becoming the eighth Bengal to be brought up on charges since training camp opened. Just a day earlier, wide receiver Reggie McNeal was arrested on drug-related charges outside a Houston nightclub.
I would be glad to list the rest of the Cinci-Naughty players who have been arrested, but we simply don't have space in this magazine. Rumor has it, however, that the Bengals now get a team discount for using the same bail bondsman. And Carson Palmer, in danger of losing touch with the team that he is supposed to be a leader of, was recently spotted outside of a Cincinnati Kwik-E-Mart saying something about hiring a getaway driver. Luckily, it is hard to tell the difference between the blindingly orange Bengal jerseys and the blindingly orange prison jumpsuits that the players wear on off-days. Somewhere, a Raiders fan, a Portland Jail Blazers fan, Jamal Lewis, and Stephen Jackson are holding a support group and crying into each other's arms.4 Sorry guys, your identities as the no-goodniks of sports have been spectacularly usurped.
The way things are going, Cincinattica may need to move from the NFL to the Ohio Penal League next year in order to field a team. Eight out of fifty-three players have been arrested at some point--or, in the case of Chris Henry, several times. Doing the math, that is fifteen percent of the roster--approximately equivalent to 133 GHS students getting arrested. So, um, you remember how in grade school D.A.R.E. class they asked you to look at the two people next to you and imagine that one of them will become a smoker? Well, look at your classroom right now. Then walk to two classrooms on either side of your door. Now, imagine every single student in them getting arrested over a 9-month period.5
But the most amazing thing is that even with the sizable number of players splitting their attention between football and their impending trials, the Cin-mates have managed to stay in the playoff hunt. At press time, they sat at 8-5, on the inside track for an AFC Wild Card spot.6 Meanwhile, we are stuck with this useless Packers team, possessing a mere 5-8 record and a single, lonely felon.7 And Koren Robinson, our local liaison to Cell Block C, was suspended after a mere four weeks with the team, leaving him more free time to spend at home with his potted plants.8 What does this tell us? If you want to win in the NFL, simply sign more criminals and lowlifes.9 Or, if your moral standards are too high for that, simply buy your linebackers some steroids.
The San Diego Chargers seem to have taken the second route. Lost amid the hoopla surrounding football deity LaDanian Tomlinson's record-breaking season is the fact that last year's Defensive Rookie of the Year, Pro Bowl linebacker Shawne Merriman, was suspended for four games earlier this year for a positive steroid test. For many of you, this is news, and that is a crying shame. How Merriman's suspension managed to fly under the radar is beyond me, especially just a year after Rafael Palmerio got caught red-handed with his stash of hypodermic needles.10 Had Merriman chosen to be a catcher rather than a linebacker, he would be a national scapegoat right now. As it is, he has gotten absolutely no negative press--in fact, I heard Phil Simms applauding the way he managed to bonce back from his suspension without missing a beat. I think I just threw up in my mouth.
Why the double standard? Every time a baseball player tests positive for 'roids, he is crucified by talk radio, sportswriters, and sportswriter-impersonators (Scoop Jackson and Skip Bayless come to mind). However, an NFL player can get busted juicing and actually get praised for coming back so strong. If eight members of an NBA team got arrested, rather than eight football players, the fallout would be enough to crush a very large building.
(Hey, speaking of the NBA, it's time for the Isiah Thomas Watch! At press time, Isiah's Knicks were 8-15, a game and a half out of the playoffs in the putrid Eastern Conference. Knicks fans are now booing the team during home games. Good times.)11
(Random NBA Tangent #2: Allen Iverson is finished in Philadelphia. Hey, Isiah, it's another overpaid, ball-hogging point guard! And even though the Knicks have no cap space, no tradeable assets, and are out of draft picks for the foreseeable future, Billy King is easily the second-dumbest GM in sports, so something just might work out. Watching Thomas and King negotiate would eerily remind me of watching two monkeys flinging their poo at each other. Who will get the better trade when both have built a career out of getting horribly fleeced? Stay tuned.)12
At any rate, I hope you all enjoy your New Year's break. And when Carson Palmer is arrested for trying to rob a Kwik-E-Mart, don't say I didn't warn you.13
1 Or, I'm drunk and unaware of what I'm doing. Either way, you're laughing. Everybody wins.
2 I use this phrase liberally. I could say what I wanted, the teacher/advisor censored it down, and it went to you, the loyal reader. Through both teachers who served as advisors that year, we fought many epic battles about what I could and couldn't say in press that reached 14-year-old eyes. And to date, I love and thank them both. Both of them were great to work with--any lesser teacher would've kicked me off staff for the things I tried to get away with. But they had faith in me and wanted me to succeed, while not costing them their jobs. If you're reading this, thank you a million times.
3 I'm still not sure of the correct spelling of that word. In fact, I'm not quite sure there is one. Let's just be glad that this trend of political correctness died an unceremonious death. In fact, this was the last year that it was seriously used. And I'd like to think that I deserve some of the credit for that.
4 I love the mental image of Stephen Jackson and Jamal Lewis crying into one another's arms. I'd like to imagine that, somehow, firearms and strippers would be prominently involved in this tender moment.
5 Since it's three years later, let's update the analogy. I now go to a university (Wisconsin-Oshkosh) with an enrollment of roughly 12,000 students. UWO students reading this, imagine if the University Police arrested 1,800 students over a school year. Staggering. And Officer Trent Morgan, having noticed this while checking my status to make sure I'm not underage drinking, just got a new goal in life.
6 The team lost its last three games, staggered to an 8-8 finish, and missed the playoffs. A crowning moment. The first time I ever jinxed a team in print. O'Neal was the last run-in with the law the team had. If you've forgotten the details of the team-wide crime spree that season, catch up here.
7 Similarly, the Pack won their last three games to finish a matching 8-8, and also miss the playoffs. The lesson here? With my predictions, you get what you pay for.
8 Had to come up with a printable synonym for marijuana. Kind of a weak reference. With three more years under my belt, and a considerably stronger history with Mary Jane, I could've done a lot better.
9 A year later, the Patriots almost went undefeated while blatantly videotaping the signals of opposing teams. For once, I nailed this one on the head.
10 Another weak point I noticed in re-reading this column. I really wish I had written this differently--emphasized how Palmerio's career was basically ended by his bust, how his legacy was ruined forever, how he probably will be blackballed from the Hall of Fame for it. Hindsight really is 20/20.
11 A month earlier, I had chronicled Thomas's misadventures as Knicks' GM, and named him the Worst General Manager of All-Time. The Knicks finished 33-49, and missed the playoffs.
12 Predictably, King got about 25 cents on the dollar for AI, sending him to Denver for Andre Miller, Joe Smith, and two 2007 first-round picks. After further trades, the two first-rounders turned into the injury-ridden Jason Smith and the Europe-bound Derrick Byars. Another pick I nailed--though calling Billy King getting butchered in a trade is kind of like picking against the freshman girl in the drinking contest. Sure, you got it right, but who wouldn't?
13 Palmer never was arrested. But hopefully you caught the obvious sarcasm in that string of jokes.
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