As always, these rankings are completely arbitrary. And as always, if you would like to sponsor the Power Poll, please inquire within. I don't even charge for it--though if you bought me a beer, that'd be sweet shit.
The Andrew Luck Division
32. Indianapolis
Yeesh, I can smell this team all the way up in Oshkosh. Just last night, they lost 62-7. Sixty two to seven!!! That's not an NFL score, that's a "D-I powerhouse playing Cupcake State in non-conference play" score.
Look, I know the popular joke to make is "Peyton Manning should get a decade of post-dated MVP awards the way they're playing without him!" But let's be real: Peyton Manning would have done absolutely nothing to stop the Saints from carving up the defense for 62 points. I'd argue that Manning's shoulder falling off was the best thing that could've happened for his legacy. He avoids this season's train wreck, goes out as an elite quarterback, avoids the brutal late-career slowdown that tainted so many careers (for recent examples see McNabb, Donovan and Favre, Brett--every Vikings fan reading this just tried to flush their own head down the toilet), and on top of which he now gets an unduly large portion of the credit for the past decade-plus of success. Sure, Manning was great, and the major reason those teams were so good. But it will now be remembered that he was the only reason they were that good--which is unfair to the likes of Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, Marvin Harrison, Marcus Pollard, Bob Sanders, and every other talented piece of those teams.
31. Miami
Look, I would not argue if you placed these guys at 32. Blowing a 15-point lead in three minutes against a gimmicky quarterback making his first pro start? Reggie Bush showing that he really did suck all this time? A season of Brandon Marshall running forty-yard sprints as the likes of Matt Moore underthrows him time and again? A season of Marshall returning to the huddle after, staring down Moore and melting whatever confidence he had left? Ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Miami Dolphins! Good thing their fan base has looming Medicare insolvency to keep their minds off the season.
(One last note on the 'Fins: if signing JP Losman is ever the answer, the question shouldn't even be asked.)
Quite Possibly the Shittiest Division in Football History
30. St. Louis
Technically, St. Louis is kind of a crossover between these two divisions. The most disappointing team in football thus far. Remember when "hey, maybe St. Louis will go 8-8 and win the NFC West" was a smart pick? Injuries to Sam Bradford and Steven Jackson are largely responsible for St. Louis failing to post a multiple-touchdown game this season. If they stay healthy (iffy), Brandon Lloyd represents an upgrade over the Brandon Gibson-Darnario Alexander-Greg Salas pu-pu platter (a certainty), and San Francisco falls apart (don't count it out), they're not out of it yet. Making them the first 0-6 team ever to be "not out of it yet."
29. Arizona
Kevin Kolb is on pace to set NFL records for intentional grounding and passes thrown off his back foot. So, to recap, the Cards traded an All-Pro cornerback and a second-round pick for a quarterback who is afraid of contact. Something they probably would have liked to know before making him the center of the offense. In their only win this season, they gave up 422 passing yards to a rookie quarterback in his first NFL game. Not exactly a ringing endorsement.
28. Seattle
Your current second place holders in the NFC West... led by the immortal Marshawn Lynch (who is a year removed from being the fourth-string back on a losing team) and Tarvaris Jackson (who is Tarvaris Jackson). And are coached by Pete Carroll, who is a fantastic coach as long as he can pay his players and his opponents can't. Which pretty much rules them out, unless the NFL can somehow sub the Los Angeles Dodgers onto their schedule.
(Yes, these three teams will all each play each other twice. Which means two Jackson-Kolb matchups that have Vegas already trembling with fear. Who will prevail, the resistable force or the movable object? Jackson's erratic passing, or Kolb's erratic pocket behavior? All I know is I'm not touching either of those matchups.)
The "Our Rookie Quarterback Gives Us Hope For The Future" Division
27. Jacksonville
They've reached 20 points only once this season. Their allegedly elite running back has reached 100 yards only twice this season, despite being the
Poor Blaine Gabbert. By any measure, he's performed as well as can be expected for a rookie quarterback with no talent around him--he's avoided self-destruction, and posted numbers far superior to Generic McCown Brother when pressed into duty. Give it a few years, and he'll be Los Angeles's most popular quarterback since Matt Leinart was shredding coed vagina at USC.
26. Minnesota
The Bernard Berrian era is over. Luckily, the Vikings are off this coming week--the extra week should be just what Les Frazier needs to pull out the giant fork sticking out of Donovan McNabb. Time to hang 'em up.
Thing is, this is a .500 team with Christian Ponder at the helm. They played the Packers well. Ponder looked generally passable against everybody but Charles Woodson, who coincidentally has made a hobby out of feasting on rookie quarterbacks. A week of Tebowmania overshadowing his first start, along with a bye week to quell whatever hype remains, and he's going to be a gambler's best friend until everyone realizes how good he is.
25. Carolina
Here's the difference: Ponder and Gabbert both have futures as NFL starters. With Cam Newton, the sky is the limit. Not since Michael Vick has a quarterback made this big of an impact on his offense; and Newton didn't back up for a year first. Steve Smith looks like a hostage victim reunited with his family--just ecstatic to put the whole ordeal behind him, and happy to have a decent support system around him again. If DeAngelo Williams ever figures out how to be explosive again, this team has some bite.
Quite Possibly the Second Shittiest Division in the History of Football
24. Oakland
How bad was the Carson Palmer trade? The Raiders gave up a first and second-round pick for a 31-year-old quarterback who made the Pro Bowl five years ago, and has since battled through two major injuries (Von Oelhoffen snapping his leg in the '06 playoffs, and the nagging shoulder injury which has plagued him and rendered him largely ineffective since '08). The Redskins traded a second and fourth round pick for a quarterback who was two years older than Palmer at the time of the trade, and six times more Pro Bowled over his career. A year later, the Vikings got him for a sixth round pick. The Texans got Matt Schaub for two second-rounders and a swap of first-round picks. The only team to pay for their starter, and pay a comparable price, was the Bears, who sent Kyle Orton, two first-rounders and a third rounder to the Broncos for Jay Cutler and a fifth-round pick. Cutler was 26 at the time, and coming off of a Pro Bowl season. In short: Al Davis may be dead, but his tendency to overpay for crappy quarterbacks must have rubbed off on the rest of the organization.
(Yes, Oakland is 4-3. Three of those wins came with the surprisingly competent Jason Campbell at the helm for the whole game, and the fourth came in the game that saw Campbell knocked out and the Raiders pull it out on a fake punt--against the Browns. After this past weekend, it's hard to believe that they'll win another 4 the rest of the way.)
23. Denver
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, please save us from the Tebowmania that is sure to come.
Look, as someone who plug-and-played Godboy during Tom Brady's bye week, I couldn't be happier with his late-game resurgence. But let's be objective here. He led a frantic late-game comeback in his backyard against one of the worst teams in recent memory. Just a week ago, Mark Sanchez handled Miami with no late-game heroics necessary, and the media folks love to talk about how bad Sanchez sucks. In the immortal words of Winston Wolf, let's not start sucking each other's dicks yet.
22. Kansas City
Sigh. The AFC West wasn't all that terrible when Jason Campbell was in the picture. But now? Denver sucks, Oakland sucks harder, and the Chiefs somehow find themselves in striking distance, despite no running game to speak of and Matt Cassel trying to do it all singlehandedly. That will happen when half of your games have been against the likes of Donovan McNabb, Curtis Painter, and the Kyle Boller/Carson Palmer combination (or, as they are collectively known, The Shit Sandwich). Miami and Denver (twice) are the only remaining games along those same cupcake lines. If you picked up a "KC to win the West from 0-3" ticket, now would be the time to get max value for that thing.
The Star-Studded Trainwreck Division
21. Philadelphia
Not only are their big-name acquisitions failing to produce, they couldn't even give away Ronnie Brown successfully. While stockpiling hype-happy assets this off-season, the Iggles appparently forgot that LeSean McCoy and Ronnie Brown are both best suited to being the second guy on the depth chart. Meanwhile, Michael Vick has un-learned how to hold on to the football. Not a happy combination. The good news? Other than New England in Week 12, their schedule looks pretty manageable the rest of the way. If they can put the hype behind them, gel as a team, and make the playoffs, I would not want to match up against them at any point.
The Shakier than the San Andreas Fault Division
20. Tennessee
The Good: Chris Johnson; always a force that must be accounted for. A huge win over Baltimore.
The Bad: Matt Hasselbeck; never much of a "force" and now well past his prime. A defense that has given up 38 and 41 points in its last two contests. A loss to Jacksonville, who also beat Baltimore.
The Ugly: All of the "Bad" things listed directly hamper the "Good"s. A mediocre QB and a porous defense are not a running game's best friends.
19. Cleveland
The Good: Peyton Hillis. Can we please just start calling him "White Christian Okoye?" He's the most dominant bruiser back since the Nigerian Nightmare himself. They both were irrationally popular. And they both plied their trades mostly on crappy teams. Also, the rest of the way they get St. Louis, Jacksonviille, and Arizona.
The Bad: Colt McCoy--he came into this season straddling the line between "game manager" and "sucks." Now we know which side he falls on. The defense--notwithstanding this past weekend's 6-3 snoozefest, they've gotten torched by some less-than-powerhouse teams.
The Ugly: Those three wins came against Miami, Indianapolis, and Seattle. Yikes.
18. Washington
The Good: Fred Davis and Jabar Gaffney have emerged as capable threats next to Santana Moss. The defense is a lot better than you think. And is anyone in the NFC East really all that much more dominant?
The Bad: Rex Grossman/John Beck (another Shit Sandwich). You can get by with them and the aforementioned wideouts as long as you've got a threatening running game. Tim Hightower is not a threatening running game.
The Ugly: Buffalo, San Fran, NY Jets, New England, and a possibly-rejuvenated-by-Week-17 Philly team all remain on the schedule. It's not getting any easier.
17. Dallas
The Good: They've got the best point differential in the East, not a bad loss to their name (NY Jets, New England, Detroit pre-collapse), and a pretty smooth remainder of the schedule. DeMarco Murray might be this year's Arion Foster.
The Bad: Their defense is DeMarcus Ware, Sean Lee, and a collection of has-beens and never-weres. Should this team reach the playoffs, are they really holding their own against Green Bay or New Orleans?
The Ugly: We knew Tony Romo had to go here. As usual, his numbers are good--but they don't tell the whole soul-crushing late-game-choking story.
The Good Bad Team
16. Cincinatti
Every year there's one of these. They beat the teams they are supposed to beat, and lose the games they should lose. Meaning they should get to 6-2 before Pittsburgh and Baltimore bring them back down to earth. But look at it this way, Cincy fans: you're ranked a full nine spots higher than the next best team starting a rookie quarterback!
Tomorrow: The Top 15
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