Oft-quoted statistics tell us that men think about sex every 7 seconds on average. Now, taking that same line of thinking ("men are constantly horny" for the psych majors struggling to keep up), consider that the "average" man gets sex thrown unabashedly in his face every 2.7 years or so; while the average professional athlete gets sex thrown unabashedly into his face whenever he wants it, and often when he doesn't want it, too. Because of this great disparity, athletes tend to find themselves in sex scandals quite often--and fans like you and I tend to find these increasingly hilarious.
And yes, this topic was picked deliberately as an excuse to include Glen Rice and Sarah Palin.
Honorable Mention: Max Mosley's Nazi Orgies
No, I'm not making that up. Nazi. Orgies. Max Mosley was the head of FIA, the governing body for Formula One. In March of 2008, a British tabloid leaked video of Mosley participating in a Nazi-themed sadomasochistic orgy with five prostitutes. At one point in the video, the dominatrixes have to stop to bandage Mosleys ass after spanking him too hard. This scandal would rank in the top three for sure--but unfortunately, auto racing doesn't count as a real sport.
10. Yankees Swap Wives
The only time in history two teammates have been traded for one another. In 1973, the big off-season trade everyone was talking about in spring training involved two Yankees--Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich--swapping wives and families. The two had been best friends since both coming up with the Yankees in 1969, and as was the tradition in the 1970s, they became involved in swinging (allegedly for the first time at a party at sportscaster Mel Allen's house, which would be if two Yankees decided to plow each other's wives while partying at Stu Scott's crib today. The lesson, as always? The '70s were awesome). At some point in 1972, the two decided to trade permanently, and all the people who had been complaining about the hippies through the '60s had something new to bitch about.
So, who got the better end of the bargain? Peterson and the former Suzanne Kekich are still married, with four additional children (both players/families had two coming into the swap), while Marilyn Peterson got cold feet at the last second, and bailed on Kekich. The two were never close again.
9. The Sanchize Bangs a High Schooler
This past New Years, Mark Sanchez appeared at a Manhattan club called Lavo. While ringing in the new year, Sanchez chatted up a young girl named Eliza Kruger. Kruger was not 21 years old as her ID stated, rather, she was 17. She flirted with Sanchez, and upon exchanging numbers with the quarterback remarked "You know I'm 17, right?" Sanchez still wanted to continue talking to her, but stated that he "can't see [her] 'til [she's] 18." Showing far better presence under pressure than Sanchez has ever shown playing quarterback, Kruger then reminded the Sanchize that the age of consent in both New York and New Jersey is 17. Smooth.
Sanchez proceeded to court the young schoolgirl, inviting her to the season finale against the Bills, then taking her to dinner a week later. After dinner, Sanchez brought Kruger back to his place to fuck. No laws were broken, but the awkwardness Sanchez shows in big games makes a hell of a lot more sense in light of his continued pursuit of high school girls well into his 20s, which is a lot like leaving the difficulty on Madden set to "Easy" when you're repeatedly winning 70-0.
8. Pokey Pokes Her Players
Pokey Chatman, in addition to having an awesome name, was a wildly successful women's basketball coach at LSU. After taking the program over from a dying Sue Gunter, Chatman went 90-14, including Final Four berths her first two seasons. But before the 2007 NCAA Tournament, Chatman resigned amidst allegations that she had carried out affairs with multiple players during her coaching career. Despite her career winning percentage, Chatman was unable to find a coaching job in America for another three years. This entry gets major penalty points for being about women's basketball, but manages to make up almost all of them by involving lesbians. Everything is better with lesbians.
7. The Legend of Ron Mexico
Even before the dogfighting thing, Mike Vick was no stranger to scandal. In April of 2005, the then-Falcons quarterback was sued by an ex-hookup who alleged that Vick gave her herpes. The ensuing investigation revealed that Vick--or "Ron Mexico," the alias he used to get tested--did knowingly transmit herpes to the girl. Vick settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.
The real story comes after the story leaked, however: as, in a matter of hours, thousands of smart-ass fans across the nation ordered customized Falcons jerseys with the number 7 and the custom name "MEXICO" from the NFL Shop page. The league cancelled all the orders and banned the sale of any Ron Mexico jerseys, making any that happened to get made the greatest collectible of all time.
6. Eugene's Super Slip-Up
Let's say you have a buddy. Earlier tonight, that buddy was recognized for his "outstanding moral character" with an award. Let's say this buddy approaches you about celebrating his award with a couple of hooker blowjobs. Would you...
A. Remind your friend that the Irony Gods love situations exactly like this one?
B. Remind your friend that he is both married and a professional athlete, two statuses which come with a lifetime supply of blowjobs?
C. Remind your friend that he is supposed to play in the Super Bowl tomorrow, and that being arrested is literally the worst possible thing that can happen with the night?
D. All of the above?
5. The Lake Minnetonka Love Boat
So it's a few weeks into the season, and things haven't gone according to plan for the team. Time to get away for a vacation, reset everyone to "neutral," and attack the rest of the season. Sounds like a great idea, right? Minnesota Vikings fans back in 2005 must have thought so. That is, until details surfaced about what went down aboard the team cruise. Details, such as...
-Bryant McKinnie picking up a woman walking past him, setting her down on the bar, and beginning cunnilingus on her. All in one motion. As staff watched. A little-known fact is that McKinnie's 7-year, $48-million extension signed the following September was forced by a competing offer from Brazzers.
-Fred Smoot "was seen holding a double-headed dildo and moving the dildo while each end was inserted into the vagina of two women who were lying on the floor near the lounge area of the charter boat. After a period of time, one of the women got up and Mr. Smoot continued to manipulate the dildo inside the other woman." The preceding quote was taken verbatim from court documents related to the case. Just how the judge kept a straight face while reading that is beyond me.
-Daunte Culpepper and Moe Williams both got lap dances, and both were allegedly very handsy with the strippers in question.
-Mewelde Moore, Darren Sharper, Koren Robinson, and Jermaine Wiggins were also involved.
-Joe Johnstone and Smoot were the ringleaders, allegedly touring the boats in the days before. Johnstone's credit card was used to pay for the excursion.
-17 total players were involved, and the two-boat orgy allegedly had 90 people involved total, including girls and boat staff.
Smoot, McKinnie, and Williams ended up with convictions as a result of the nautical sex party, Culpepper was charged but the charges were later dropped. At the time of the party, the team was 1-4. After binging on strippers, the team went on a 7-1 run. The lesson here, as always? Nothing brings a team together like strippers.
4. Hail to the Victors? You Betcha!
Sarah Palin wasn't always a reality TV star and cable news pundit. Before that, she was a Republican nominee for Vice-President. And before that, she was the governor of Alaska. But even before all that, way back in 1987, Sarah's folksy demeanor and aw-shucks version of English were put to use as a sports reporter with an Anchorage news station. In this context, she covered a Division I tournament, in which the Michigan Wolverines were a participant. And, as a result, she had a one-night stand with then-Michigan guard Glen Rice, less than one year before eloping with husband Todd and turning into the hockey mom we all adore today. It might shock squeamish socially-conservative Palin fans in the nigra-hating Bible Belt to learn that Sarah once "had a fetish for black men," and "hauled Rose's ass down." All of this is being revealed in a new tell-all Palin biography, out Monday.
What's the best part here? You mean, other than Sarah Palin's black-dude fetish, or Sarah Palin transitioning from "NCAA groupie" to "all-American housewife" in a year? Imagining how awesome it must have been for Glen Rice to get a phone call from the book's author to validate the story, then learning that the random reporter skank you plowed up in Bumfuck, AK twenty-three years ago and quickly forgot about turned out to be a future Vice-Presidential nominee. On the sliding scale of ex-hookup results, Glen Rice is the end-point for "good." Early Vegas odds have Shawn Kemp as the favorite to be named for "bad." Stay tuned.
3. The Gold Club
The textbook "everything but the kitchen sink" scandal. This one had it all. A strip club with Mob ties, a historically packed cast list of celebrities, athletes, mafioso, strippers, and all-around scumbags. Sexual favors, shady doings, and even a guy named "Ziggy." In November 1999, Steve Kaplan was indicted on federal racketeering charges. Kaplan was the owner of the club, and the trial essentially accused him of taking over the Gold Club and turning it into a real-life version of the Bada Bing from The Sopranos--rampant drug use, lavish perks for high-profile clients, involvement from the Gambino crime family, and layers upon layers of fraud. Notable details include:
-Knicks guard Larry Johnson was Kaplan's first athlete-client. In 1994, Johnson fucked a Gold Club stripper under Kaplan's direction. No word on whether or not Larry made the stripper dress up like Grandmama.
-Later in '94, John Starks visited the club and took in a lesbian sex scene and fucked one of the strippers involved. Kaplan testified that he was surprised that a devout Christian and family man like Starks would do this.
-In 1997, Kaplan arranged a comfort mission to South Carolina, where the Knicks were playing an exhibition game. He paid six strippers $1,000 apiece to have sex with players. Later that year, former Gold Card exec Ziggy Sicignano testified about a night later that season, in which Patrick Ewing led some of his Knicks teammates to a private party in a back room at the Gold Club with six to ten strippers. An ex-gold club manager also testified that she walked in on Ewing getting a blowjob from a club employee. According to Ewing's testimony on the night, "the girls danced, started fondling me, I got aroused, they performed oral sex. I hung around a little bit and talked to them, then I left." If that's not a priceless senior quote, I don't know what is.
-In 1996, Andruw Jones took in a lesbian show of his own, then fucked one or both of the girls. Ziggy testified that Jones had sex with at least one of the girls. Jones testified that he had sex with both, following that up with "to tell you the truth, I wouldn't remember one of their faces right now." If that's not two priceless senior quotes in two paragraphs, I don't know what is.
-Dennis Rodman frequented the club quite often, engaging in at least one threesome with club employees. He was also good friends with Kaplan, and the two were often seen in public together. The lesson here, as always--when Dennis Rodman is making you a major part of his life, you are probably making a terrible decision unless Michael Jordan is also involved.
-Ziggy (by the way, this one gets major bonus points for prominently featuring a guy named "Ziggy") named Raptor Antonio Davis, who was married, as a client who had received sex at the club. When Davis denied the allegations and sued for defamation, Ziggy realized that he really meant teammate Dale Davis. Whoops.
None of the above are terribly illegal--I mean, Jones was 19 years old when he was most assuredly getting comped drinks during his live-lesbian-porn sesh, but that's hardly "drag in the federal prosecutors and keep a cell ready in lockup" territoroy. The problem was that Kaplan's business model involved raising the club's profile by providing favors to the famous, so they show up, then defrauding the shit out of the regular rich folk who come in. Eighteen claimants accused Kaplan of credit card fraud--and that's not even touching on how many victims just shut the hell up, rather than having their names dragged through a strip club indictment.
Kaplan relinquished ownership of the club, paid millions in fines, and served three years in jail. And Antonio Davis would get into trouble a few years later in which he stormed into the stands to break up a fight between a fan and his wife--and it was later revealed that it was his wife who was threatening to beat the living hell out of the man. So I'm sure that whole "I'm getting implicated in this strip club trial, but I'm totally innocent" thing went over real well for him at the time. Crazy women are well known for taking a "make 100% sure before you snap on him" approach when it comes to infidelity.
2. Kobe!
During the summer of 2003, Kobe Bryant was arrested after a 19-year-old hotel employee accused him of raping her. Bryant admitted to consensual sex with the woman, but denied raping her. Kobe would buy his wife the shiniest, most expensive apology in history just days later. The story permeated an entire NBA offseason, before the charges were eventually dropped, as the accuser showed up to a rape test with multiple samples of semen in her underwear (kind of a damning blow when your entire case is structured around "I didn't want it). Later stories suggest that the incident began consensually, but the girl was not an NBA groupie and objected to Kobe going for what is known in NBA circles as "The Trinity"--oral, then vaginal, then anal to finish. Just the thought of the look on David Stern's face as a slightly-terrified intern tries to explain The Trinity to him makes me smile.
1. Tiger on the Prowl
Shit, did this happen almost two years ago already? Last Thanksgiving, we found out that Tiger Woods had been involved in a car accident. Then "car accident" turned into "domestic dispute" and we were instantly captivated. Then it came to someone's attention that the National Enquirer had, less than a week earlier, outed Woods for an extramarital affair. The allegations were published without incident because, come on, it's the goddamn National Enquirer. Now we were hooked. Once a San Diego cocktail waitress came forward with a claim of a two-and-a-half year affair and a voice mail in which Tiger warns her that his wife is going through his phone. Within two weeks of the accident that started it all, more than two dozen women came forward admitting to affairs with Woods. Tiger was forced into a hiatus from golf, lost millions in sponsorship money, admitted to nailing over 120 women just over the course of his marriage, and his injury-plagued golf game has not recovered. Yet, at the same time, he was married to a Swedish nanny/supermodel, and averaging over twenty extracurricular vaginas a year during that marriage. Most men would gladly give up everything they own for that kind of life.
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