Dear NFL Management,
Over the past several weeks of the preseason, you have locked out your referees. I'm telling you here: you need to reverse course. This week's announcement that the replacement refs would continue into at least Week 1 of the regular season was not good news for anyone--lest of all, you. Like I said--reverse course. You're not going to like the one you're headed down.
If you would, please look back on America roughly a century ago. What were the Big Three of sports? Baseball, boxing, and horse racing. A hundred years later, baseball remains--joined instead by basketball and football.
Boxing's demise, in particular, is one that needs to be highlighted. The sport alienated itself with one too many punch-drunk, enfeebled old man hobbling around with visible brain damage. Young athletes saw this, and steered clear of boxing en masse. The talent pool dried up, and the interest followed--America is only very mildly interested in watching the best of Eastern Europe and the Caribbean slug it out for world supremacy. A century ago, would Kevin Durant be a heavyweight champion with devastating quickness, an explosive hook, and the best reach in history? Absolutely. A century from now, will Future Devin Hester be a punt returner risking his mental facilities on every play, or will he be a sneaky-effective goal scorer for the Chicago Xplosion of National Championship Lacrosse?
Either the NFL is blissfully unaware of how precariously close it hangs to losing national interest, or it is woefully overplaying its hand. The fact is, the show cannot go on without the officials. The replacement refs suck something awful. We all know it. And not only are they embarrassing to watch, they're missing calls like crazy. Pass interference has become a giant crapshoot. A shoddily-called game is a safety risk to players--the rules are largely there in place to protect them, and misenforcement causes confusion and weakens the effectiveness of the rulebook.
Yet, despite the safety concerns, the NFL is proceeding with the scabs. A year after playing chicken with the Players' Union, to much hate and discontent from the fan base. Said Players' Union, by the way, is none too impressed with being hung out to dry by the league in regards to safety. Will the players strike? Doubtful. But the fact that it's even been put on the table at some point is utter lunacy.
You'd think, for all the trouble, that the refs were making an exorbitant demand. That figure? $2.5 million per year more in salaries, plus a pension plan. That works out to a raise of just under $25k a year for each ref; per team the cost breaks up to just under $80k. Or, one rookie roster bonus.
Singing about poker, Kenny Rogers said you "gotta know when to hold 'em; know when to fold 'em." The NFL has no hand, and the world knows it. They have precious little to gain, and everything to lose. Each second they stonewall is another pull at the trigger in a crazy one-man game of Russian Roulette.
In fact, if the refs were smart, they'd come right back over the top. "We've been watching the preseason, we KNOW that you need us. The replacements are not getting the job done. We know it, you know it, the fans know it, the players know it, the media knows it. The emperor has no clothes. We're upping our demands to $5 million. Don't you dare say the league can't afford it. The league can't afford NOT to do it."
Roger Goodell should come to his senses before this happens.
The NFL is in a terribly precarious position, as boxing was at one point. If the league manages it's public relations well, makes a real commitment to player safety, and does what is necessary to keep the game safe, competitive, and entertaining (which might, at some point, involve widening the field--but that's a whole 'nother column), they can keep the golden goose alive.
But it all starts here. A show of good faith towards the men who keep the peace on the field might pay itself back many multiples over the long run.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
The Top 5 Madden Games of All Time
In the timeless words of Aaron Froh, a "happy maddenoliday" to all of you. Today marks the release of Madden '13, which EA Sports is hailing as "the best installment of the game yet!" They don't tell you that their grading criteria for "best" is "which one can we get people to fork over $60 plus add-ons for?" In their defense, you never asked.
Every year the Madden people make this claim, and every year the Madden fanbase calls "bullshit," before grumpily handing their credit card to the greasy local Gamestop cashier. Statistically speaking, they HAD to have been on the money with their "best ever!" claim at least once. Maybe a couple different times. But, the question remains--when?
That is why we're publishing the Top 5 list today. Why top 5? It just seemed to shake out that way. Besides, there's only 20 choices--is the second quartile of EA's efforts really that worthy of recognition?
5. John Madden Football '92
Talk about a trip down memory lane. Our video game systems in the early '90s were still only marginally better than the games that could be programmed into a graphing calculator. This particular game wasn't even licensed by the NFL or NFLPA--in fact, "Tecmo Super Bowl 2" was a much bigger deal at the time.
But the Madden series survived, and this was the first time they had any of the following:
Because the '94 version of the game didn't have players getting trucked by ambulances. Checkmate.
Had EA shown the foresight to get Pat Summerall's voice into the game before 1994, and combined the ambulance with Pat's classically deadpanned "Oh no... there's a man down," this game would be even higher on the list.
4. Madden '03
It took EA precisely two years after the advent of the PS2 Generation of systems to realize "hey, wait, we've got all this processing power and we're just porting souped-up versions of our old 16-bit menu music. Let's fix this problem!" Madden '03 was the first game to license their own menu music, and also introduced the concept of minigames. A huge win and a little win. Penalty points for being the first game to not have a commentary team of Madden and Summerall. Al Michaels wasn't terrible, but 2003 marked the first step on the road to Cris Collinsworth. Not fucking cool.
3. Madden '99
And this game's includion is precisely WHY Madden '13 will never grace this list. Madden '99 introduced legions of sports fans to Franchise Mode.
Sure, it was choppy and buggy. You'd never get a QB worth drafting unless you got a Top 4 pick. The draft was only four rounds long. After three or four years, every team had a kicker and punter with an overall rating over 95, and the free agent scrap heap was littered with 85-95 rated kickers. Drafted players in Franchise mode lacked school info or even first names. And the actual gameplay itself that year was notoriously glitchy (the only penalties legitimately called were encroachment, false start, delay of game, and offsides; holding was called if your QB held the ball too long). But I can't even begin to fathom the centuries worth of man-hours of productivity that got sunk into Franchise Mode over the years.
This year, Madden decided to scrap it, claiming that the experience is melded into "Connected Careers Mode." Look, EA. We all tried Superstar mode. On paper, it was the greatest idea ever. But the reason your focus groups kept telling you to keep Franchise mode is because the gameplay in Superstar SUCKS. For some reason, your little brother NCAA College Football can include both modes and make them both ridiculously addicting. Why can't you?
2. Madden '05
Is this a loaded list? You betcha. Four of the five choices were made primarily for arbitrary reasons. This is one of them, and that's because I absolutely ran shit when it came to Madden '05 online. See, there was a glitch that year where you could spread your defensive line, have them all rush to the outside, and you'd get pressure on every single play. I figured this one out before anyone else online, and managed to work my way into the Top 50 on the PS2 online leaderboard.
Does this game still deserve such billing? Oh, you bet. EA developed the Hit Stick for that year's game, and may have indirectly led to the NFL's currently continuing concussion crisis. Alliteration aside, there have been precious few advancements in the field of shit-talking during my lifetime. I'd rank them in the following:
Like Franchise Mode, the Hit Stick no longer features in the games. Unlike Franchise Mode, there is actually a legitimate reason for it--kids play these games, kids emulate the amped-up bone-rocking shots, kids give themselves concussions, kids turn into vegetables later in life. That does not, for one fraction of a second, make me miss it any less.
1. Madden '10
The most important lesson you need to learn to become a functioning adult is this: Life isn't fair.
Technically, I became an adult on December 17, 2006, when I turned 18. Technically, it's a "transition" that we never truly 100% complete. But I do remember learning about fairness at the hands of Madden '11 two summers ago. My buddy across the street had bought the new game before I had. He brought it over; we picked our teams through the "each spam randoms until a fair matchup pops up." He had Vince Young and the Titans. I had Derek Anderson and the Cardinals. He spent the next hour or so running around in the backfield like a chicken with its head cut off, then launching off-balance prayers towards his wideouts in the endzone. I lost 70-3 to this strategy.
I've never paid for a Madden game since. The gameplay of Madden '10 was like a fine cigar--every subtle piece accentuating the next, and working towards a big picture of complex perfection. The player collisions were realistic--the main gripe with the past few installments had been how remarkably easy arm-tackling was. The playcalling system was simple enough to grasp, yet difficult enough that you actually felt like an NFL coach executing a gameplan. The passing game was realistic as hell--mistakes were punished, and the margin of error for those mistakes shrunk exponentially if you were tring to make a throw that wasn't possible IRL. You truly needed to know the game of football, inside and out, to master this one. And, while EA's money-grubbing was picking up steam, it had not yet reached epic proportions. Just tons of in-game ads, mostly for Snickers. I actually enjoyed having "Patrick Chewing" as a draftable wideout, and the "Chews wisely!" advice before every coin toss.
But I guess I was the only one. The focus groups complained about the difficultly of the passing game and, next season, we were back to every quarterback with an ounce of speed turning into a cross between Michael Vick and Jesus himself. Meanwhile, everything that could be turned into a monetized add-on was. Want to draft like it's the '02 engine again and you can see every rookie's stats? Ten dollars! Make it twenty, and we'll tell you EXACTLY how his ratings will play out every season. For under a hundred bucks you can build an unstoppable super team and flatten the CPU resistance!
I'm probably not going to get a chance to play Madden '13--it's been nearly two years now since I had a working XBox 360, and I've got several thousand dollars worth of other expenses that take priority. But from what I've heard, I'm not missing a whole lot.
Every year the Madden people make this claim, and every year the Madden fanbase calls "bullshit," before grumpily handing their credit card to the greasy local Gamestop cashier. Statistically speaking, they HAD to have been on the money with their "best ever!" claim at least once. Maybe a couple different times. But, the question remains--when?
That is why we're publishing the Top 5 list today. Why top 5? It just seemed to shake out that way. Besides, there's only 20 choices--is the second quartile of EA's efforts really that worthy of recognition?
5. John Madden Football '92
Talk about a trip down memory lane. Our video game systems in the early '90s were still only marginally better than the games that could be programmed into a graphing calculator. This particular game wasn't even licensed by the NFL or NFLPA--in fact, "Tecmo Super Bowl 2" was a much bigger deal at the time.
But the Madden series survived, and this was the first time they had any of the following:
- Instant replay
- Varying weather conditions
- A two-player mode (!)
- Audibles
- Pass Interference calls
- Injuries
Because the '94 version of the game didn't have players getting trucked by ambulances. Checkmate.
Had EA shown the foresight to get Pat Summerall's voice into the game before 1994, and combined the ambulance with Pat's classically deadpanned "Oh no... there's a man down," this game would be even higher on the list.
4. Madden '03
It took EA precisely two years after the advent of the PS2 Generation of systems to realize "hey, wait, we've got all this processing power and we're just porting souped-up versions of our old 16-bit menu music. Let's fix this problem!" Madden '03 was the first game to license their own menu music, and also introduced the concept of minigames. A huge win and a little win. Penalty points for being the first game to not have a commentary team of Madden and Summerall. Al Michaels wasn't terrible, but 2003 marked the first step on the road to Cris Collinsworth. Not fucking cool.
3. Madden '99
And this game's includion is precisely WHY Madden '13 will never grace this list. Madden '99 introduced legions of sports fans to Franchise Mode.
Sure, it was choppy and buggy. You'd never get a QB worth drafting unless you got a Top 4 pick. The draft was only four rounds long. After three or four years, every team had a kicker and punter with an overall rating over 95, and the free agent scrap heap was littered with 85-95 rated kickers. Drafted players in Franchise mode lacked school info or even first names. And the actual gameplay itself that year was notoriously glitchy (the only penalties legitimately called were encroachment, false start, delay of game, and offsides; holding was called if your QB held the ball too long). But I can't even begin to fathom the centuries worth of man-hours of productivity that got sunk into Franchise Mode over the years.
This year, Madden decided to scrap it, claiming that the experience is melded into "Connected Careers Mode." Look, EA. We all tried Superstar mode. On paper, it was the greatest idea ever. But the reason your focus groups kept telling you to keep Franchise mode is because the gameplay in Superstar SUCKS. For some reason, your little brother NCAA College Football can include both modes and make them both ridiculously addicting. Why can't you?
2. Madden '05
Is this a loaded list? You betcha. Four of the five choices were made primarily for arbitrary reasons. This is one of them, and that's because I absolutely ran shit when it came to Madden '05 online. See, there was a glitch that year where you could spread your defensive line, have them all rush to the outside, and you'd get pressure on every single play. I figured this one out before anyone else online, and managed to work my way into the Top 50 on the PS2 online leaderboard.
Does this game still deserve such billing? Oh, you bet. EA developed the Hit Stick for that year's game, and may have indirectly led to the NFL's currently continuing concussion crisis. Alliteration aside, there have been precious few advancements in the field of shit-talking during my lifetime. I'd rank them in the following:
- The Internet (now not only possible, but encouraged, to talk shit across great distances)
- Beer Pong
- The Hit Stick
Like Franchise Mode, the Hit Stick no longer features in the games. Unlike Franchise Mode, there is actually a legitimate reason for it--kids play these games, kids emulate the amped-up bone-rocking shots, kids give themselves concussions, kids turn into vegetables later in life. That does not, for one fraction of a second, make me miss it any less.
1. Madden '10
The most important lesson you need to learn to become a functioning adult is this: Life isn't fair.
Technically, I became an adult on December 17, 2006, when I turned 18. Technically, it's a "transition" that we never truly 100% complete. But I do remember learning about fairness at the hands of Madden '11 two summers ago. My buddy across the street had bought the new game before I had. He brought it over; we picked our teams through the "each spam randoms until a fair matchup pops up." He had Vince Young and the Titans. I had Derek Anderson and the Cardinals. He spent the next hour or so running around in the backfield like a chicken with its head cut off, then launching off-balance prayers towards his wideouts in the endzone. I lost 70-3 to this strategy.
I've never paid for a Madden game since. The gameplay of Madden '10 was like a fine cigar--every subtle piece accentuating the next, and working towards a big picture of complex perfection. The player collisions were realistic--the main gripe with the past few installments had been how remarkably easy arm-tackling was. The playcalling system was simple enough to grasp, yet difficult enough that you actually felt like an NFL coach executing a gameplan. The passing game was realistic as hell--mistakes were punished, and the margin of error for those mistakes shrunk exponentially if you were tring to make a throw that wasn't possible IRL. You truly needed to know the game of football, inside and out, to master this one. And, while EA's money-grubbing was picking up steam, it had not yet reached epic proportions. Just tons of in-game ads, mostly for Snickers. I actually enjoyed having "Patrick Chewing" as a draftable wideout, and the "Chews wisely!" advice before every coin toss.
But I guess I was the only one. The focus groups complained about the difficultly of the passing game and, next season, we were back to every quarterback with an ounce of speed turning into a cross between Michael Vick and Jesus himself. Meanwhile, everything that could be turned into a monetized add-on was. Want to draft like it's the '02 engine again and you can see every rookie's stats? Ten dollars! Make it twenty, and we'll tell you EXACTLY how his ratings will play out every season. For under a hundred bucks you can build an unstoppable super team and flatten the CPU resistance!
I'm probably not going to get a chance to play Madden '13--it's been nearly two years now since I had a working XBox 360, and I've got several thousand dollars worth of other expenses that take priority. But from what I've heard, I'm not missing a whole lot.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Fantasy Island: Compete to Be Grantland's Fantasy Football Writer
I decided to submit an entry, if only because it would allow me to fulfill my lifelong dream of "finding a career that doesn't require you to wear pants."
If you’re reading this right now, it’s safe to assume you’re a fantasy football gamer. Or, you were catching up on Snooki’s latest escapades, saw a shirtless Rob Gronkowski, and investigated. It’s not important, really.
What is important, you ask? The soaring costs of essentials: milk, eggs, beer. The depressing fucking Presidential election (2004: Part Deux!). Fixing your sorry social life.
Spoiler alert: this column is not about any of those things. Those things are all terribly depressing. Fantasy Football, on the other hand, is exciting. You and your old buddies from high school may have gotten boring jobs, ugly spouses, and disappointing children—but you can still stick it in their faces that you had the foresight to draft Ray Rice and Jordy Nelson last year. So motivated by another year of schadenfreude, let’s look at our Top 5 and Sleeper.
1. 1. Arian Foster
The best player gets the first pick. Foster is an injury risk, and that’s really the only knock you can come up with for the guy. I drafted LaDanian Tomlinson for two years in a row, and made the league title game both years. The second time around, I got him with the second pick—somebody tried to get cute and go with Larry Johnson at one overall. Just ask Jamarcus Russell how flirting with “potential” works out at one overall.
2. 2. Ray Rice
Yeah, he broke out big last year—and that always carries with it some bounceback risk. But I’ve been pimping Rice for years now—I’m not about to hop off the bandwagon now that we’ve renovated and added club seating.
3. 3. Aaron Rodgers
I’ve gotten used to having Aaron Rodgers as my quarterback. It’s a really nice feeling. I’d advise it for anyone. At three overall, I’m taking the familiar comfort of Rodgers over rolling the dice with Ryan Mathews and crapping out again. And LeSean McCoy? What happens when Vick inevitably gets hurt, and he’s lining up behind (gulp) Trent Edwards? Please, tell me about smallish backs who run into 8- and 9-man fronts for two straight years and don’t explode. I’ll wait.
Every year, someone who picked in the top 5 inevitably stumbles to a 2-win finish. At this point in the draft, your mission is clear: Don’t Be That Guy.
4. 4. Calvin Johnson
As a Packer fan, I know all too well how it feels to be lined up against him—as a multi-time fantasy owner of his, I know how comforting he can be in that format. You’re gonna get cute and hope Chris Johnson can rejuvenate himself two years after Jeff Fisher rode him into the ground like a horse in quicksand? And when’s the last time Maurice Jones-Drew won a fantasy title? If Tiki Barber was the Reuben of Fantasy Football, MJD is the spinning rims—a luxury item possessed in great disproportion by people who are not winners.
5. 5. LeSean McCoy
McCoy could very well be that “Top 5 pick who ends up in the toilet” referenced above. That’s why picking fifth this year involves strategy. With all the best options off the board, your smart play is to grab McCoy. Wait a couple weeks, and just think about what Vick did for his backs two seasons ago. Then, sell high. If the team that nabbed Rodgers or Megatron starts out 0-2 or 0-3, try and swing them into a panic deal. If you’re lucky, you might end up even better off than if you had “won” the random draft order and drafted them.
Sleeper: Michael Vick
Yes, I’m counting Ron Mexico as a sleeper this year. He’s not going until the fourth round on average. If you don’t have a QB by then, roll the dice with Vick. If he doesn’t get hurt, you’re going to win your league. Shit, he can get hurt as long as he’s back for the fantasy playoffs. If he goes on a tear for the first few weeks, you could deal him for FAR more value than the 44th pick (his ADP). If the draft market doesn’t give you one of the Big Three , ride that Vick like you’re trying to pay off your tuition.
DISCLAIMER: As always, advice is for entertainment purposes only. If your dumb ass decides to listen to someone whose sign-off advertises him as “having finished in 2nd place enough times to start perennially naming his teams ‘Buffalo Bills,’” it’s for the best: you probably weren’t going to spend that money wisely anyway.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
The Pointless Hypotheticals Divison Presents: A Far Superior Alternative to the BCMess (again!)
Two years ago, I designed a detailed, exquisite, totally workable 32-team playoff system to replace the current abortion of a system employed by the NCAA. Back then, it seemed like a legitimate proposition. Today, with the muddled mess of the BCS standings, it seems like an even more legitimate proposition. For those who are a bit rusty, here are the parameters:
-It's a five-round, 32-team tournament. Teams are put in one of four regionals, and seeded 1 through 8. If this sounds eerily similar to the NCAA basketball tournament's format, it's pretty much based off of that. The formula works--why fuck with it? Also borrowed from the hoops world will be the selection/seeding process--only with BCS replacing RPI, and the 33-35th teams bitching instead of the 66-68th. Like March Madness, every conference champion is given an automatic bid--meaning that Northern Illinois and Arkansas State get theirs. Granted, they are not seeded highly, but they've got theirs.
-It's designed to easily replace the bowl system in schedule, and still be a manageable season. The NFL plays 16 games. The most games a team could play in this system is 18. The scheduling might need some tweaking to compensate for the conferences with a championship game. But that's a whole other discussion for another day.
-The opening round would be played during the second weekend of December, when bowl season usually kicks off. The high seed would host the opening-round game. The second round would be played the following weekend, at a neutral site for the region. The third round would be at the same regional site, a week laster. The national semifinals would be played on New Year's Day, and the National Championship would be a week later. As with March Madness, the Final Four will be held at a rotating location--though I'd like to see the Rose, Fiesta, Sugar, and Orange Bowls survive as the permanent regional hosts. In fact, let's change that for this year's version: instead of the Midwest, West, South, and East regions; we will have the Rose, Fiesta, Sugar, and Orange regions respectively. Done. Love it.
Before we start, a few quick notes on the matchups: like the NCAA Tournament selection committee, I tried my damn hardest to avoid inter-conference matchups, which led to wacky things like Georgia in the Rose/Midwest and Cincinatti in the Fiesta/West. I'm sure there are still a few potential ones. So be it. The number one seeds, in order of their seeding: LSU, Alabama/Oklahoma State, Oregon. The beauty of this system this year is that LSU gets the easiest path to the national title game, while Bama and OK State get to settle it on New Years for the right to play them--if neither gets tripped up along the way.
Sugar Region
1 LSU
2 Kansas State
3 South Carolina
4 Oklahoma
5 Houston
6 Southern Mississippi
7 Auburn
8 Arkansas State
Analysis: Poor Arkansas State. Or are they the big winners in this system? The small school who gets to tell their respective grandkids about the time they played postseason football against the Honey Badger. Other than that, this region mostly exists as a rubber stamp for the Bayou Bengals. K-State-Auburn could be a huge point of contention in the SEC/Big 12 rivalry. Oklahoma/Houston is a great "little conference gets a shot at the big dog" matchup, before the winner is unceremoniously shredded by LSU. And the Tigers may get a Regional Final shot at the best SEC team they never got to play.
Projections: LSU, K-State, SoCar, and Houston advance. LSU over South Carolina in the final.
Fiesta Region
1 Oregon
2 Stanford
3 Baylor
4 Michigan
5 TCU
6 West Virginia
7 Cincinatti
8 Missouri
Analysis: This region looks to have the most even middle of the field. 3-6 and 4-5 both look like great matchups, and you know Stanford is itching for a revenge shot at Oregon. We've got a potential second-round showdown between Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin. I see Griffin leading Baylor over Stanford in that matchup, then stunning Oregon to head to the Final Four.
Projections: Oregon, Stanford, Baylor, TCU advance. Baylor over Oregon in the final.
Orange Region
1 Alabama
2 Arkansas
3 Virginia Tech
4 Clemson
5 Nebraska
6 Penn State
7 Florida State
8 Georgia Tech
Analysis: We come to the first upset trap region! Nebraska has shown flashes of brilliance in their first Big Ten season, Penn State was favored to win the division until the Sandusky scandal and Paterno firing submarined their season, Arkansas hasn't beaten anyone this year, and Georgia Tech's quirky, anachronistic triple option attack has been known to work miracles against world-beater defense (like Bama's). I think Alabama is the only home team to survive the opening weekend, and they roll through the region.
Projections: Alabama, Florida State, Penn State, Nebraska advance. Alabama over Penn State in the final.
Rose Region
1 Oklahoma State
2 Boise State
3 Wisconsin
4 Georgia
5 Michigan State
6 Texas
7 Northern Illinois
8 Notre Dame
Analysis: Oklahoma State will be favored by at least ten points too few thanks to Notre Dame's name recognition, then proceed to run roughshod as Touchdown Jesus is unable to cover Justin Blackmon. Wisconsin came two Hail Marys away from an unbeaten season, and I really don't see how they wouldn't be favored over Boise--luckily, Texas is not their normal self this season. Every other region seemed cut and dry--this one could have any of five teams go all the way, and would undoubtedly see the most ESPN Classic matchups, with Oklahoma State-Wisconsin probably the best of all. Bet the over and enjoy the show.
Projections: OK State, Boise, Wisconsin, Michigan State advance. Oklahoma State over Wisconsin in the final.
Final Four Analysis: So by my count, we've got LSU vs. Baylor and Alabama vs. Oklahoma State on New Years, with the winners meeting a week later. For the record, I wanted to pick Wisconsin over Oklahoma State so bad, but figured that the team's M.O. was to lose in heartbreaking fashion with less than a minute left. It's still likely that we're crowning LSU the national champion--but now, either Bama or Oklahoma State can say that they earned the right to lose to them. Or maybe, like happens every year in college basketball, we will find out that we have absolutely no idea once we step outside the world of hypotheticals and on the field.
I'll take that over a national championship rematch any day.
-It's a five-round, 32-team tournament. Teams are put in one of four regionals, and seeded 1 through 8. If this sounds eerily similar to the NCAA basketball tournament's format, it's pretty much based off of that. The formula works--why fuck with it? Also borrowed from the hoops world will be the selection/seeding process--only with BCS replacing RPI, and the 33-35th teams bitching instead of the 66-68th. Like March Madness, every conference champion is given an automatic bid--meaning that Northern Illinois and Arkansas State get theirs. Granted, they are not seeded highly, but they've got theirs.
-It's designed to easily replace the bowl system in schedule, and still be a manageable season. The NFL plays 16 games. The most games a team could play in this system is 18. The scheduling might need some tweaking to compensate for the conferences with a championship game. But that's a whole other discussion for another day.
-The opening round would be played during the second weekend of December, when bowl season usually kicks off. The high seed would host the opening-round game. The second round would be played the following weekend, at a neutral site for the region. The third round would be at the same regional site, a week laster. The national semifinals would be played on New Year's Day, and the National Championship would be a week later. As with March Madness, the Final Four will be held at a rotating location--though I'd like to see the Rose, Fiesta, Sugar, and Orange Bowls survive as the permanent regional hosts. In fact, let's change that for this year's version: instead of the Midwest, West, South, and East regions; we will have the Rose, Fiesta, Sugar, and Orange regions respectively. Done. Love it.
Before we start, a few quick notes on the matchups: like the NCAA Tournament selection committee, I tried my damn hardest to avoid inter-conference matchups, which led to wacky things like Georgia in the Rose/Midwest and Cincinatti in the Fiesta/West. I'm sure there are still a few potential ones. So be it. The number one seeds, in order of their seeding: LSU, Alabama/Oklahoma State, Oregon. The beauty of this system this year is that LSU gets the easiest path to the national title game, while Bama and OK State get to settle it on New Years for the right to play them--if neither gets tripped up along the way.
Sugar Region
1 LSU
2 Kansas State
3 South Carolina
4 Oklahoma
5 Houston
6 Southern Mississippi
7 Auburn
8 Arkansas State
Analysis: Poor Arkansas State. Or are they the big winners in this system? The small school who gets to tell their respective grandkids about the time they played postseason football against the Honey Badger. Other than that, this region mostly exists as a rubber stamp for the Bayou Bengals. K-State-Auburn could be a huge point of contention in the SEC/Big 12 rivalry. Oklahoma/Houston is a great "little conference gets a shot at the big dog" matchup, before the winner is unceremoniously shredded by LSU. And the Tigers may get a Regional Final shot at the best SEC team they never got to play.
Projections: LSU, K-State, SoCar, and Houston advance. LSU over South Carolina in the final.
Fiesta Region
1 Oregon
2 Stanford
3 Baylor
4 Michigan
5 TCU
6 West Virginia
7 Cincinatti
8 Missouri
Analysis: This region looks to have the most even middle of the field. 3-6 and 4-5 both look like great matchups, and you know Stanford is itching for a revenge shot at Oregon. We've got a potential second-round showdown between Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin. I see Griffin leading Baylor over Stanford in that matchup, then stunning Oregon to head to the Final Four.
Projections: Oregon, Stanford, Baylor, TCU advance. Baylor over Oregon in the final.
Orange Region
1 Alabama
2 Arkansas
3 Virginia Tech
4 Clemson
5 Nebraska
6 Penn State
7 Florida State
8 Georgia Tech
Analysis: We come to the first upset trap region! Nebraska has shown flashes of brilliance in their first Big Ten season, Penn State was favored to win the division until the Sandusky scandal and Paterno firing submarined their season, Arkansas hasn't beaten anyone this year, and Georgia Tech's quirky, anachronistic triple option attack has been known to work miracles against world-beater defense (like Bama's). I think Alabama is the only home team to survive the opening weekend, and they roll through the region.
Projections: Alabama, Florida State, Penn State, Nebraska advance. Alabama over Penn State in the final.
Rose Region
1 Oklahoma State
2 Boise State
3 Wisconsin
4 Georgia
5 Michigan State
6 Texas
7 Northern Illinois
8 Notre Dame
Analysis: Oklahoma State will be favored by at least ten points too few thanks to Notre Dame's name recognition, then proceed to run roughshod as Touchdown Jesus is unable to cover Justin Blackmon. Wisconsin came two Hail Marys away from an unbeaten season, and I really don't see how they wouldn't be favored over Boise--luckily, Texas is not their normal self this season. Every other region seemed cut and dry--this one could have any of five teams go all the way, and would undoubtedly see the most ESPN Classic matchups, with Oklahoma State-Wisconsin probably the best of all. Bet the over and enjoy the show.
Projections: OK State, Boise, Wisconsin, Michigan State advance. Oklahoma State over Wisconsin in the final.
Final Four Analysis: So by my count, we've got LSU vs. Baylor and Alabama vs. Oklahoma State on New Years, with the winners meeting a week later. For the record, I wanted to pick Wisconsin over Oklahoma State so bad, but figured that the team's M.O. was to lose in heartbreaking fashion with less than a minute left. It's still likely that we're crowning LSU the national champion--but now, either Bama or Oklahoma State can say that they earned the right to lose to them. Or maybe, like happens every year in college basketball, we will find out that we have absolutely no idea once we step outside the world of hypotheticals and on the field.
I'll take that over a national championship rematch any day.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Power Poll: Week 12 Edition
Four weeks later, and the Power Poll is back!
Some thoughts before we begin...
-The bottom half of the league is in bad shape. Injuries have not helped this. But the gap between the haves and the have-nots in the NFL is bigger than I can ever remember.
-I've advocated trading Matt Flynn in the past. At this point, if he wants to stay I'd say keep him. There are a number of teams who are ranked 5-6 spots lower than they otherwise would, because their backup quarterback is trash. I like Flynn. I think he rates in at "competent NFL starter," which would make a dozen teams salivate at this point. But I also see Houston fans talking themselves into Matt Cassel, and a Caleb Hanie/Nathan Enderle controversy on the horizon in Chicago, and Kansas City in a division that's ripe for the picking but stuck with Tyler Fucking Palko calling the shots... it's terrifying.
(By the way, that Chicago thing? It's coming. Mike Martz HATES Hanie. Hates him with a passion. Remember the NFC Championship? I know I do. But do you remember Todd Collins? How completely fucking incompetent he looked when he was put into the game? He was AHEAD of Hanie on the depth chart--that's how much faith Martz has in him. Enderle is Martz's handpicked draft pick. Enderle split snaps with Hanie running the No. 2 offense for the Bears in training camp. If Hanie struggles, he could be on a short leash.)
The "Cleveland Without LeBron" Division
32. Indianapolis
It's eerie how Peyton Manning is turning into Brett Favre #2... the durability, the perplexingly lonely ring after extended dominance, the place in the Greatest of All Time debate... now the fan base subtly turning on them in favor of the younger quarterback, the hints at coming back... are we two years away from Andrew Luck getting fried by Manning's Tennessee Titans, then coming back and curbstomping them the next year as Manning falls apart and retires in shame, revealing he "accidentally" texted pictures of his cock to Kenny Chesney?
The Turd Sandwich (aka NFC West) Division
31. Arizona
Well, it turned out that San Fran was the lone competent one in this division. Meanwhile, the Cards paid roughly $6.50 on the dollar for a quarterback who can't even show that he's convincingly better than JohnNavarre Skelton. Fuck it, at this point they're best off with Kurt Warner coming out of retirement.
30. St. Louis
A game worse than 'Zona, but I think they're a better play the rest of the way. So there. I'm still humiliated by my "StL to win NFC West" preseason bet. I'd have been better off lighting that money on fire. If gambling were legal, of course.
29. Seattle
In the translated words of the groundskeepers from Major League? They're still shitty. Not much more needs to be said. Seems Pete Carroll isn't that great of a coach when everyone else gets to pay the players too.
The Gallons of Suck Division
28. Kansas City
Every time Tyler Palko underthrows his target right into the waiting arms of a defender, an angel gets his wings. The Chiefs might be a team to watch next year--Cassel and Charles injuries derailed this season, and they'll get a Top 5 pick. Keep an eye on them--you know, if you live somewhere that gambling is legal.
27. Carolina
Cam Newton looks like either the Evolutionary Michael Vick or the Evolutionary Akili Smith. There's no in between. But Carolina fans just urped in their mouth a little bit.
26. Minnesota
These guys are 2-8. Doesn't feel like it, does it? I mean they're bad, but you have to feel like they should have a win or two more. Anyway, I'm ranking them high because I feel like they can compete with most teams, even if they can't win.
25. Miami
They're showing signs of life. On the downside, they don't get Andrew Luck anymore. On the bright side, they might finish ahead of Buffalo at this rate.
24. Washington
Had them ranked three spots lower, then remembered that Rex Grossman is back. By the way, whenever Rex Grossman is enough to vault your team three spots up, um, that's a really bad thing. Enjoy the Arena League, John Beck.
The Large 32oz Combo Meal of Suck Division
23. Cleveland
These guys don't suck by the gallon, but they're still a great collection of suckitude. If the Packers are unable to convince Matt Flynn to stay, Cleveland makes a hell of a lot of sense as a destination for him. On the other hand, they're from Cleveland--by signing there, he's pretty much saying "fuck you" to his ACL or something.
22. Jacksonville
Taking the approach of "We're going to keep the offense in second gear so Gabbert doesn't freak out, let him be confident, and accept that this is going to be a 4-5 win season. Meanwhile, start up talks with LA about a stadium deal." Okay, I'm assuming the last part. But still.
21. San Diego
Phillip Rivers seems hell-bent on breaking the one Brett Favre record that Aaron Rodgers isn't aiming for--the interception one. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. And is there a more toothless backfield pairing than Ryan Mathews and Mike Tolbert? They don't even get "poor man's" status--they're the homeless man's Willie Parker and Jerome Bettis. I regard coming back for seconds with Mathews this season in fantasy football to be a mistake on par with going back for seconds with any piece of questionable pussy I've had. Once can be a fluke, but once you've blown that second chance you're done. Never again.
The Mediocrity Division
20. Tampa
Just a season ago, they were a 10-win team. Today, they need to win out to match that. They've got the fourth worst point differential in the league. And, uh, I don't think Albert Haynesworth is going to be much help. After four losses in a row, it's gut check time in Tampa.
19. Tennessee
The Tennessee Titans of the National Football League would like to take this opportunity to ask for your help. It appears that our running back has gone missing. He answers to the name Chris Johnson and he is usually very hard to tackle, though recently folks haven't been having much trouble. $50 reward.
18. Buffalo
It's lucky that the Bills and Buccaneers avoid each other--the way they've both played this past month, I don't think you can pick a winner out of that matchup. Remember our last Power Poll, when this team's number was a third of what it is now? Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like such a spectacular waste of $50 million that the United States federal government is toying with the idea of purchasing his contract.
The Dead Hype Division
17. Philadelphia
Worth noting: after this weekend, Philly closes their schedule with SEA-MIA-NYJ-DAL-WAS. That looks like a possible 5-0 run, even with Vince Young. Meanwhile, they're chasing Tom Coughlin and Tony Romo, two of the most notable choke artists of our time. We're about three weeks away from the torch being passed to the Eagles as the potential snuck-in-the-playoffs team that nobody wants to play. "Eagles to win NFC East" is actually a pretty good value bet--don't count on it as a sure thing, but it could pay off huge.
Some thoughts before we begin...
-The bottom half of the league is in bad shape. Injuries have not helped this. But the gap between the haves and the have-nots in the NFL is bigger than I can ever remember.
-I've advocated trading Matt Flynn in the past. At this point, if he wants to stay I'd say keep him. There are a number of teams who are ranked 5-6 spots lower than they otherwise would, because their backup quarterback is trash. I like Flynn. I think he rates in at "competent NFL starter," which would make a dozen teams salivate at this point. But I also see Houston fans talking themselves into Matt Cassel, and a Caleb Hanie/Nathan Enderle controversy on the horizon in Chicago, and Kansas City in a division that's ripe for the picking but stuck with Tyler Fucking Palko calling the shots... it's terrifying.
(By the way, that Chicago thing? It's coming. Mike Martz HATES Hanie. Hates him with a passion. Remember the NFC Championship? I know I do. But do you remember Todd Collins? How completely fucking incompetent he looked when he was put into the game? He was AHEAD of Hanie on the depth chart--that's how much faith Martz has in him. Enderle is Martz's handpicked draft pick. Enderle split snaps with Hanie running the No. 2 offense for the Bears in training camp. If Hanie struggles, he could be on a short leash.)
The "Cleveland Without LeBron" Division
32. Indianapolis
It's eerie how Peyton Manning is turning into Brett Favre #2... the durability, the perplexingly lonely ring after extended dominance, the place in the Greatest of All Time debate... now the fan base subtly turning on them in favor of the younger quarterback, the hints at coming back... are we two years away from Andrew Luck getting fried by Manning's Tennessee Titans, then coming back and curbstomping them the next year as Manning falls apart and retires in shame, revealing he "accidentally" texted pictures of his cock to Kenny Chesney?
The Turd Sandwich (aka NFC West) Division
31. Arizona
Well, it turned out that San Fran was the lone competent one in this division. Meanwhile, the Cards paid roughly $6.50 on the dollar for a quarterback who can't even show that he's convincingly better than John
30. St. Louis
A game worse than 'Zona, but I think they're a better play the rest of the way. So there. I'm still humiliated by my "StL to win NFC West" preseason bet. I'd have been better off lighting that money on fire. If gambling were legal, of course.
29. Seattle
In the translated words of the groundskeepers from Major League? They're still shitty. Not much more needs to be said. Seems Pete Carroll isn't that great of a coach when everyone else gets to pay the players too.
The Gallons of Suck Division
28. Kansas City
Every time Tyler Palko underthrows his target right into the waiting arms of a defender, an angel gets his wings. The Chiefs might be a team to watch next year--Cassel and Charles injuries derailed this season, and they'll get a Top 5 pick. Keep an eye on them--you know, if you live somewhere that gambling is legal.
27. Carolina
Cam Newton looks like either the Evolutionary Michael Vick or the Evolutionary Akili Smith. There's no in between. But Carolina fans just urped in their mouth a little bit.
26. Minnesota
These guys are 2-8. Doesn't feel like it, does it? I mean they're bad, but you have to feel like they should have a win or two more. Anyway, I'm ranking them high because I feel like they can compete with most teams, even if they can't win.
25. Miami
They're showing signs of life. On the downside, they don't get Andrew Luck anymore. On the bright side, they might finish ahead of Buffalo at this rate.
24. Washington
Had them ranked three spots lower, then remembered that Rex Grossman is back. By the way, whenever Rex Grossman is enough to vault your team three spots up, um, that's a really bad thing. Enjoy the Arena League, John Beck.
The Large 32oz Combo Meal of Suck Division
23. Cleveland
These guys don't suck by the gallon, but they're still a great collection of suckitude. If the Packers are unable to convince Matt Flynn to stay, Cleveland makes a hell of a lot of sense as a destination for him. On the other hand, they're from Cleveland--by signing there, he's pretty much saying "fuck you" to his ACL or something.
22. Jacksonville
Taking the approach of "We're going to keep the offense in second gear so Gabbert doesn't freak out, let him be confident, and accept that this is going to be a 4-5 win season. Meanwhile, start up talks with LA about a stadium deal." Okay, I'm assuming the last part. But still.
21. San Diego
Phillip Rivers seems hell-bent on breaking the one Brett Favre record that Aaron Rodgers isn't aiming for--the interception one. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. And is there a more toothless backfield pairing than Ryan Mathews and Mike Tolbert? They don't even get "poor man's" status--they're the homeless man's Willie Parker and Jerome Bettis. I regard coming back for seconds with Mathews this season in fantasy football to be a mistake on par with going back for seconds with any piece of questionable pussy I've had. Once can be a fluke, but once you've blown that second chance you're done. Never again.
The Mediocrity Division
20. Tampa
Just a season ago, they were a 10-win team. Today, they need to win out to match that. They've got the fourth worst point differential in the league. And, uh, I don't think Albert Haynesworth is going to be much help. After four losses in a row, it's gut check time in Tampa.
19. Tennessee
The Tennessee Titans of the National Football League would like to take this opportunity to ask for your help. It appears that our running back has gone missing. He answers to the name Chris Johnson and he is usually very hard to tackle, though recently folks haven't been having much trouble. $50 reward.
18. Buffalo
It's lucky that the Bills and Buccaneers avoid each other--the way they've both played this past month, I don't think you can pick a winner out of that matchup. Remember our last Power Poll, when this team's number was a third of what it is now? Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like such a spectacular waste of $50 million that the United States federal government is toying with the idea of purchasing his contract.
The Dead Hype Division
17. Philadelphia
Worth noting: after this weekend, Philly closes their schedule with SEA-MIA-NYJ-DAL-WAS. That looks like a possible 5-0 run, even with Vince Young. Meanwhile, they're chasing Tom Coughlin and Tony Romo, two of the most notable choke artists of our time. We're about three weeks away from the torch being passed to the Eagles as the potential snuck-in-the-playoffs team that nobody wants to play. "Eagles to win NFC East" is actually a pretty good value bet--don't count on it as a sure thing, but it could pay off huge.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The Single Worst Scandal In Sports History
Before we get started, I'm going to let your mind wander and think of the worst sports scandal you've ever heard of. The White Sox throwing the '19 World Series? Pete Rose betting on baseball? Boosters buying a house and a Hummer for Reggie Bush's mom? All bad, and all basically irrelevant as of today.
This morning, a report broke that former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky raped eight boys over his 15 years at PSU on school facilities. Boys that he met through The Second Mile, his not-for-profit dedicated to helping at-risk kids.
And this isn't just shit being made up. Victims are coming forward; eight of them so far. One claimed that Sandusky initiated advances with a "soap fight" in the shower. The boy in question once appeared in a Sports Illustrated photo with Sandusky. In the fall of 2000, a PSU janitor witnessed a young boy, aged 11 to 13, pinned up against a wall while Sandusky blew him. Two years later, a graduate assistant witnessed Sandusky rape a 10 year old boy in the shower. The graduate assistant reported it to AD Tim Curley, who promptly covered it up. Sandusky, once considered Joe Paterno's heir apparent, resigned in 1999,* but allowed to continue to use PSU facilities for his work with The Second Mile.
Suddenly, gambling and false amateurism seem like small potatoes.
The unfortunate thing is this will almost certainly fail to get the attention it deserves. It will be a story for a few weeks, then disappear. And that should not happen.
Paterno, Curley, and vice president Gary Schultz (who is being charged along with Curley) are all unforgivable in this. Paterno, rather than alerting the authorities, simply reported the incident to Curley. I know eyewitness accounts are hardly airtight, especially when the 10 year old boy being sodomized against his will is black, but at the same time Sandusky was banned from again bringing children onto PSU's campus.** And Curley enabled the living fuck out of Sandusky. Letting him continue to use the facilities? Not telling the police? Worse yet, attempting to justify the grad assistant's report by claiming that a 55 year old man and a 10 year old boy in the shower was "little more than horseplay?"
Something smells like shit, and it's not Jerry Sandusky's dick for once. Curley literally did everything he could to help Sandusky short of buying him orphans or making him the new host of "Are You Harder Than A Fifth Grader?" Little more than horseplay? I'll believe the ER patient who "doesn't know" how the remote control got stuck up his ass before I buy that.
Look, I'm not a big time moral crusader--in fact, I'm quite fond of the "live and let live" approach to forcing your beliefs down others' throats. But when the "other" in question is forcing his cock down the throat of a child, well that's wrong no matter how you spin it. This is, as the title indicates, The Single Worst Scandal in Sports History. Miami may have provided their players with hookers and blow, but you can defend hookers (the players were 18) and blow (it was the '80s). USC and Ohio State may have paid their players, but you could argue that they ought to have been paid in the first place. Pete Rose may have bet on baseball, but he didn't bet on his team. Mark Sanchez may have fucked a 17-year-old, but it was consensual. The Roethlisberger accusations are flimsy hearsay, at best.
There is no spin to this. Rarely in life are things so black and white; so cut and dry. Jerry Sandusky used his position of power in Happy Valley to sodomize children. Joe Paterno knew about this sodomy, and did nothing. Actually, I take that back--he didn't do nothing. He informed his higher ups, covering his own ass. Paterno KNEW this was going on in his facilities in 2002; when Curley chose to cover it up Paterno was complicit. At no point in the past 9 years did Paterno go to the police, even as this was still happening. It took a high school, investigating a 2009 abuse of one of their students by Sandusky, to bring this to the authorities. In a legal sense, Paterno is clean--by telling Curley, he effectively passes the buck on liability. In a moral sense, Paterno could not possibly be more wrong--he knew of abuse, was easily in a position to stop it, yet he did not. What, exactly, was his logic here? "I told my boss, it's in his hands now." HOW IS THAT DEFENSIBLE?! The cocksucker was more concerned with safeguarding his legacy than protecting future victims. If there were such a thing as justice, every last person involved in the coverup would be fired, put in stocks, and marched off the PSU campus to a public stoning.
By the way, this gives the 1988 Orange Bowl a whole new spin, doesn't it? At the time, it was the wholesome squeaky-clean Penn State team against Miami's band of criminals. Now? Miami's party boys against PSU's child-rape-enablers. Congratulations, Miami--for once, you're the good guys. Don't get used to the feeling.
Another quick aside, as well--Penn State Creamery has a sundae named the "Sandusky Blitz." The ingredients? Banana, chocolate-covered peanuts, and gooey ropes of caramel. I'm trying really, really hard to avoid joking about child rape, but the only way that could be any funnier is if they added marshmallows made of jizz.
I know the sports media is generally useless, but it's up to our reporters to keep this from going away. Paterno press conferences should be full of questions like "Coach, when scheming to stop Russell Wilson, did you ever consider alerting the authorities to the child rapist on your staff?" "Historically, Penn State's defense has been good at backside pursuit and pressure--did Coach Sandusky teach that in the shower?" "Coach Paterno, whats more rewarding to you: Being the winninest coach in history, or helping Coach Sandusky rape children?" "Coach, if you were going for a rape theme, why did you not offer a scholarship to Ben Roethlisberger back in the day?" You get the point.
And it's on the rest of the NCAA coaches, too. I know your lot. When it comes to recruiting, you will use every advantage you have--and if you don't have any, you'll make one up and lie about it. Well you don't have to lie here. Thanks to NCAA's recruiting rules and regulations, plus the power of technology, we now know who, specifically, every coach/school is targeting. If you're competing for a recruit with PSU, beat the kiddy-rape angle into the ground. "You're a good looking guy, I'm guessing you'd like to have a family some day? Bring the kids back for Homecoming, show them where Daddy used to play? Well, would you like them to also get raped? Didn't think so. I'd shy away from PSU if it were me, then. Just sayin'." Make it so these scumbags are picking from the dregs of the borderline talent that nobody else is willing to deal with.
On the bright side, if you're a fan of Miami, Notre Dame, USC, Ohio State, Florida State, or someone along those lines, today is the greatest day in the history of fandom. Now, whenever your rivals skewer you for violations, all you have to say is "Hey, at least no children are being raped on our campus!" And if you're a Florida State fan, you now have in your history the winningest head coach who never helped cover up child rape among his staff.
Penn State is one of only four BCS schools who do not have a major NCAA violation in their history. Since there are technically no NCAA rules against this kind of thing, that will still stand. But at least they are now the only school with a child-rape violation in their history--and personally, I think that's just a little bit worse than boosters paying off players.
*By the way, Sandusky's resignation smells fishier than Paris Hilton's underwear drawer. He was first investigated for child rape in 1998, and the investigation ultimately did not lead to charges. A year later, Sandusky resigns but is allowed to continue using PSU facilities. If you believe that the two events are unrelated, I have a bridge to sell you.
**Because that's a solution--don't stop him from doing it, just make sure it doesn't happen on our watch!
This morning, a report broke that former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky raped eight boys over his 15 years at PSU on school facilities. Boys that he met through The Second Mile, his not-for-profit dedicated to helping at-risk kids.
And this isn't just shit being made up. Victims are coming forward; eight of them so far. One claimed that Sandusky initiated advances with a "soap fight" in the shower. The boy in question once appeared in a Sports Illustrated photo with Sandusky. In the fall of 2000, a PSU janitor witnessed a young boy, aged 11 to 13, pinned up against a wall while Sandusky blew him. Two years later, a graduate assistant witnessed Sandusky rape a 10 year old boy in the shower. The graduate assistant reported it to AD Tim Curley, who promptly covered it up. Sandusky, once considered Joe Paterno's heir apparent, resigned in 1999,* but allowed to continue to use PSU facilities for his work with The Second Mile.
Suddenly, gambling and false amateurism seem like small potatoes.
The unfortunate thing is this will almost certainly fail to get the attention it deserves. It will be a story for a few weeks, then disappear. And that should not happen.
Paterno, Curley, and vice president Gary Schultz (who is being charged along with Curley) are all unforgivable in this. Paterno, rather than alerting the authorities, simply reported the incident to Curley. I know eyewitness accounts are hardly airtight, especially when the 10 year old boy being sodomized against his will is black, but at the same time Sandusky was banned from again bringing children onto PSU's campus.** And Curley enabled the living fuck out of Sandusky. Letting him continue to use the facilities? Not telling the police? Worse yet, attempting to justify the grad assistant's report by claiming that a 55 year old man and a 10 year old boy in the shower was "little more than horseplay?"
Something smells like shit, and it's not Jerry Sandusky's dick for once. Curley literally did everything he could to help Sandusky short of buying him orphans or making him the new host of "Are You Harder Than A Fifth Grader?" Little more than horseplay? I'll believe the ER patient who "doesn't know" how the remote control got stuck up his ass before I buy that.
Look, I'm not a big time moral crusader--in fact, I'm quite fond of the "live and let live" approach to forcing your beliefs down others' throats. But when the "other" in question is forcing his cock down the throat of a child, well that's wrong no matter how you spin it. This is, as the title indicates, The Single Worst Scandal in Sports History. Miami may have provided their players with hookers and blow, but you can defend hookers (the players were 18) and blow (it was the '80s). USC and Ohio State may have paid their players, but you could argue that they ought to have been paid in the first place. Pete Rose may have bet on baseball, but he didn't bet on his team. Mark Sanchez may have fucked a 17-year-old, but it was consensual. The Roethlisberger accusations are flimsy hearsay, at best.
There is no spin to this. Rarely in life are things so black and white; so cut and dry. Jerry Sandusky used his position of power in Happy Valley to sodomize children. Joe Paterno knew about this sodomy, and did nothing. Actually, I take that back--he didn't do nothing. He informed his higher ups, covering his own ass. Paterno KNEW this was going on in his facilities in 2002; when Curley chose to cover it up Paterno was complicit. At no point in the past 9 years did Paterno go to the police, even as this was still happening. It took a high school, investigating a 2009 abuse of one of their students by Sandusky, to bring this to the authorities. In a legal sense, Paterno is clean--by telling Curley, he effectively passes the buck on liability. In a moral sense, Paterno could not possibly be more wrong--he knew of abuse, was easily in a position to stop it, yet he did not. What, exactly, was his logic here? "I told my boss, it's in his hands now." HOW IS THAT DEFENSIBLE?! The cocksucker was more concerned with safeguarding his legacy than protecting future victims. If there were such a thing as justice, every last person involved in the coverup would be fired, put in stocks, and marched off the PSU campus to a public stoning.
By the way, this gives the 1988 Orange Bowl a whole new spin, doesn't it? At the time, it was the wholesome squeaky-clean Penn State team against Miami's band of criminals. Now? Miami's party boys against PSU's child-rape-enablers. Congratulations, Miami--for once, you're the good guys. Don't get used to the feeling.
Another quick aside, as well--Penn State Creamery has a sundae named the "Sandusky Blitz." The ingredients? Banana, chocolate-covered peanuts, and gooey ropes of caramel. I'm trying really, really hard to avoid joking about child rape, but the only way that could be any funnier is if they added marshmallows made of jizz.
I know the sports media is generally useless, but it's up to our reporters to keep this from going away. Paterno press conferences should be full of questions like "Coach, when scheming to stop Russell Wilson, did you ever consider alerting the authorities to the child rapist on your staff?" "Historically, Penn State's defense has been good at backside pursuit and pressure--did Coach Sandusky teach that in the shower?" "Coach Paterno, whats more rewarding to you: Being the winninest coach in history, or helping Coach Sandusky rape children?" "Coach, if you were going for a rape theme, why did you not offer a scholarship to Ben Roethlisberger back in the day?" You get the point.
And it's on the rest of the NCAA coaches, too. I know your lot. When it comes to recruiting, you will use every advantage you have--and if you don't have any, you'll make one up and lie about it. Well you don't have to lie here. Thanks to NCAA's recruiting rules and regulations, plus the power of technology, we now know who, specifically, every coach/school is targeting. If you're competing for a recruit with PSU, beat the kiddy-rape angle into the ground. "You're a good looking guy, I'm guessing you'd like to have a family some day? Bring the kids back for Homecoming, show them where Daddy used to play? Well, would you like them to also get raped? Didn't think so. I'd shy away from PSU if it were me, then. Just sayin'." Make it so these scumbags are picking from the dregs of the borderline talent that nobody else is willing to deal with.
On the bright side, if you're a fan of Miami, Notre Dame, USC, Ohio State, Florida State, or someone along those lines, today is the greatest day in the history of fandom. Now, whenever your rivals skewer you for violations, all you have to say is "Hey, at least no children are being raped on our campus!" And if you're a Florida State fan, you now have in your history the winningest head coach who never helped cover up child rape among his staff.
Penn State is one of only four BCS schools who do not have a major NCAA violation in their history. Since there are technically no NCAA rules against this kind of thing, that will still stand. But at least they are now the only school with a child-rape violation in their history--and personally, I think that's just a little bit worse than boosters paying off players.
*By the way, Sandusky's resignation smells fishier than Paris Hilton's underwear drawer. He was first investigated for child rape in 1998, and the investigation ultimately did not lead to charges. A year later, Sandusky resigns but is allowed to continue using PSU facilities. If you believe that the two events are unrelated, I have a bridge to sell you.
**Because that's a solution--don't stop him from doing it, just make sure it doesn't happen on our watch!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Presents: The Return of the Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Your Name Here Power Poll! (Part II)
If you weren't paying attention, yesterday's Part I can be found here. If you were, you know we've got 15 teams to go. And since we left off with the "Good Bad Team" that is better than all the bad teams but worse than all the good teams, well, today will revolve less around mocking the NFL's failures than it is figuring out who is going to take it all. More fun? Less fun? You decide.
Anywhoodlidoodle, here we go...
The Shitty Division Leaders Division
15. San Diego
Blatantly stolen from one of my Tweeps (and a hugely inspirational fellow young-curmudgeon-cum-blogger), Justin Rebello: "Whoever it was in the NY Times who called [the] Jets-Chargers game the 'No-Ring Circus" deserves a raise." The Chargers are the NFL's version of the old women's axiom: always a bridesmaid, never a bride. They're in the playoffs every year it seems, but always fall apart. Time was, this was because of Marty Schottenheimer. This year, it'll be because they're just not that great of a team, but they're stuck in a division with the Jamaal Charles-less Chiefs, the Jason Campbell-less Raiders, and the Mile High Train Wreck. I'd feel bad for Phil Rivers at this point if everything I've read about him didn't have me convinced that he was a colossal spoiled douche.
14. Houston
"An all-Texas Super Bowl... sweet Jethro Pugh"--Hank Hill
Yeah, that's not happening this year. The Texans are 2-3 against teams not trying to Suck for Luck. But they do have impressive wins over Pittsburgh and a shellacking of Tennessee. Translation? Like every year, the Texans are a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a mystery--not to mention a gambler's nightmare. Inconsistency is not a great quality come playoff time, though. They'll get in on account of their division sucks--what happens beyond that is anyone's guess.
(And yes, I'm aware that I just reverse-jinxed us up a guarantee of an all-Texas Super Bowl. The Cowboys are in a division without a clear favorite, and the Texans would really need to try hard to piss away their division. Then again... Romo in New Orleans or Green Bay. It's not happening. Houston, I could see getting hot come January and making a run. But Romo on the road against one of those teams--I couldn't bet enough against him.)
The Gary Johnson Memorial "Fringe Candidate" Division
13. NY Jets
Since Ron Paul is now polling in the double digits, Gary Johnson takes over as the 2012 version of "Presidential candidate who I like, but has a less than zero chance of winning." Similarly, I like the Jets. I like Rex Ryan, creepy foot fetish and all. I like Bart Scott, who I think is the next-gen version of Ray Lewis. I have had an affinity for LDT ever since he carried me to two straight Fantasy championship games, and I love how he's reinvented himself as a top-of-the-line scat back. But, I'm sorry--Mark Sanchez and Shonn Greene are not winning a title anytime soon. Just sayin'.
12. Tampa Bay
Sorry, Saints fans--but the coming decade of Josh Freeman-Matty Ice-Cam Newton divisional rivalry has me excited. Josh might be fighting through the sophomore jinx right now, but he'll bounce back. This year, the Bucs fall into the same category as the Texans--unpredictable enough that they might beat the Saints, or lay an egg against the Bears. The only problem? The Texans are in a shitty division, in which "inconsistently great" is far and away the favorite. The 'Bucs are in a division with the Falcons and Saints. "Inconsistent" just doesn't cut it.
11. Atlanta
They get the nod over Tampa for this spot largely thanks to strength of schedule--already 4-3, the Falcons are looking at 5 near-guaranteed wins (Indy, Tenn, Minn, Car, Jax) the rest of the way. And the Texans and Bucs are both winnable games. Ten wins is hardly a stretch for them. Tampa, on the other hand? They get Tennessee, Carolina twice, and Jacksonville--then toss-ups against the Falcons, Texans, and Cowboys. You're telling me the Dirty Birds aren't a game better?
10. NY Giants
Say what you will about Eli Manning (and, dear Lord, I have done just that in this space previously)--I'd much rather have the title of "Worst QB to ever win a Super Bowl" than "Best QB to never win a Super Bowl." Warrants mentioning.
The win over Buffalo was huge. But losing to Seattle?! And, let's be real--this coming showdown against Miami is the only guaranteed win on this team's plate the rest of the way. The NFC East is wide-open at this point. Just because the Blue Men are in the driver's seat now doesn't really mean anything.
The Entertaining As Hell Division
9. Baltimore
Put it this way: these guys were ranked at #4 until Monday night's debacle. Baltimore fans are praying that was merely an anomaly, and that this team is finally living up to the potential-dynasty hype I bestowed upon them two seasons ago. And not a sign of an impending collapse. Time will tell. In the meantime, they just lost to the Jaguars, so they'll take a free-fall in the polls.
8. Chicago
All of these teams fall under the following category: extremely fun to watch, more competent than average, probably playoff teams, but just missing the total package. Give me Matt Forte, and I'll put together a championship team. Give me Jay Cutler, and that championship team will putter out in the divisional/conference round. For years now, I've been making the Jay Cutler-Jeff George comparison--just now, I realized that Marshall Faulk-Matt Forte is just as valid. Creepy. Let's hope that the Bears aren't within a decade of drafting their own Peyton Manning, much like the George-Faulk Colts in the early '90s.
7. Detroit
Jesus, what the hell happened? Two weeks ago, Green Bay-Detroit for Thanksgiving looked like the game of the decade. Now, the Lions have lost two straight, Matty Stafford's ankle is giving him trouble, Jahvid Best appears to be out for the year, and Jerome Harrison has a brain tumor. Just a brutal turn of events. On the bright side--Calvin Johnson is still unstoppable, and the Lions are still five wins better than they were a few years ago.
6. Buffalo
I'm still trying to figure out how these guys beat New England. Don't get me wrong--Stevie Johnson has emerged as a top-10 wideout, the entire league is kicking themselves for not picking up on Fred Jackson first, and Ryan Fitzpatrick is the next generation of "game manager" quarterback who makes good decisions, uses the talent around him, and doesn't fuck things up. Perfect fit for this team. The Buffalo fans deserve a playoff team, and I really hope they can hold on and get it this year. Miami twice, Washington, Tennessee, and Denver might be enough to get them there--but they might need to knock a few other ones out, too.
The Dark Horse Division
5. San Francisco
Eerily reminiscent of the '06 Bears. A prototypical "everything but the dining room" team. As Bill Simmons explained it:
"OK, let's say you just bought a new house, only you got soaked on your mortgage and had to go with a 75-25 instead of an 80-20. You're short on funds, so you decide, 'We're going to spend most of our time in the kitchen, TV room and bedroom' and spend all your remaining funds to make those rooms nice: Maybe a 52-inch plasma, comfy sofa, kitchen table, king-sized bed, a few framed pictures, some homey knick-knacks and so on. By the time you're done, every room in the house looks great except for the dining room. Instead of half-assing it and putting a cheap-looking table and chairs in there, or even worse, splurging on a nice table and crappy chairs, you decided to sacrifice that room for 12 months, leave it empty and use that extra money on the rest of the house. It's the right move. And when friends visit and see an empty dining room, you just explain, 'Yeah, we haven't gotten around to that room yet.' They will understand, especially when they see the rest of your kick-ass house."
Aside from the fact that the hypothetical person who got soaked on their mortgage and couldn't afford to furnish their whole house is probably foreclosed and living in Mommy's basement by now, this is the Niners to a T. They've got a big-game runner in Frank Gore. They've got a suffocating D. They've got a rookie coach who ran shit at the college level, and appears to be one of the "runs shit at every level" coaches as opposed to the Pete Carroll variety of "runs shit as long as I can pay my players and nobody else can" type. In a down year, they'd be a favorite. In this NFL? Sorry, but the Empty Dining Room (Alex Smith's new nickname) is enough to drag them down to the 5th spot in the Parade of Homes.
(Like how I carried the dining room analogy at least three jokes longer than I should have? That's what happens when I write these things drunk. Just bear with me here, we're almost done and I'm still somewhat cohesive. Or coherent. Whatever.)
4. Pittsburgh
With a team like this, you have to ignore the Week 1 shellacking at the hands of Baltimore. Maybe it was the lockout, maybe it was the Week One jitters--the point is, we've seen six other examples, and that was not this team. This weekend's matchup with New England will tell us a lot about this team.
(And let's be real--this right here is probably the biggest gap in the poll. From 3-4 is a massive chasm. Maybe that's because Baltimore was supposed to go here until they shat the bed on Monday. But when your 4th best team in the NFL is coming into a "time to prove ourselves" game, well, that's not an encouraging sign for the rest of the league.
3. New Orleans
Does anyone actually remember that these guys blew a winnable game against Tampa just a little over a week ago? No, all I can think of is the revolving door endzone defense the Colts tried to employ Sunday night. Setting an NFL regular-season record for points tends to shorten the memory when it comes to things like that.
The Number One Contender
2. New England
We've been waiting for a New England-Green Bay Super Bowl ever since 2008. Which, of course, means that something will inevitably screw it up. I'm sorry to say, Bill Belichek isn't the same coach he once was. Is he going senile? Maybe just a little bit.
That being said, this team is stacked. I'm not betting against them, that's for sure.
The Potential Dynasty
1. Green Bay
Look, I'm well aware that there may very well come a day where I look at this ranking, and that title, and cry myself to sleep. It can happen. But at this point? Last unbeaten team in the league? With arguably the best big-game quarterback since Montana in his prime? With four--count 'em four--guys who could be a #1 receiver on another team? With a winning streak stretching back to last December? With Charles Woodson preying on young quarterbacks much like Roman Polanski once preyed on young girls? With the Kuhn And Friends backfield providing the perfect supplement to Rodgers' passing attack? I refuse to apologize for this pick, and I refuse to acknowledge anyone who claims that this makes me a homer. Best team in the league right now? You know it.
Anywhoodlidoodle, here we go...
The Shitty Division Leaders Division
15. San Diego
Blatantly stolen from one of my Tweeps (and a hugely inspirational fellow young-curmudgeon-cum-blogger), Justin Rebello: "Whoever it was in the NY Times who called [the] Jets-Chargers game the 'No-Ring Circus" deserves a raise." The Chargers are the NFL's version of the old women's axiom: always a bridesmaid, never a bride. They're in the playoffs every year it seems, but always fall apart. Time was, this was because of Marty Schottenheimer. This year, it'll be because they're just not that great of a team, but they're stuck in a division with the Jamaal Charles-less Chiefs, the Jason Campbell-less Raiders, and the Mile High Train Wreck. I'd feel bad for Phil Rivers at this point if everything I've read about him didn't have me convinced that he was a colossal spoiled douche.
14. Houston
"An all-Texas Super Bowl... sweet Jethro Pugh"--Hank Hill
Yeah, that's not happening this year. The Texans are 2-3 against teams not trying to Suck for Luck. But they do have impressive wins over Pittsburgh and a shellacking of Tennessee. Translation? Like every year, the Texans are a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a mystery--not to mention a gambler's nightmare. Inconsistency is not a great quality come playoff time, though. They'll get in on account of their division sucks--what happens beyond that is anyone's guess.
(And yes, I'm aware that I just reverse-jinxed us up a guarantee of an all-Texas Super Bowl. The Cowboys are in a division without a clear favorite, and the Texans would really need to try hard to piss away their division. Then again... Romo in New Orleans or Green Bay. It's not happening. Houston, I could see getting hot come January and making a run. But Romo on the road against one of those teams--I couldn't bet enough against him.)
The Gary Johnson Memorial "Fringe Candidate" Division
13. NY Jets
Since Ron Paul is now polling in the double digits, Gary Johnson takes over as the 2012 version of "Presidential candidate who I like, but has a less than zero chance of winning." Similarly, I like the Jets. I like Rex Ryan, creepy foot fetish and all. I like Bart Scott, who I think is the next-gen version of Ray Lewis. I have had an affinity for LDT ever since he carried me to two straight Fantasy championship games, and I love how he's reinvented himself as a top-of-the-line scat back. But, I'm sorry--Mark Sanchez and Shonn Greene are not winning a title anytime soon. Just sayin'.
12. Tampa Bay
Sorry, Saints fans--but the coming decade of Josh Freeman-Matty Ice-Cam Newton divisional rivalry has me excited. Josh might be fighting through the sophomore jinx right now, but he'll bounce back. This year, the Bucs fall into the same category as the Texans--unpredictable enough that they might beat the Saints, or lay an egg against the Bears. The only problem? The Texans are in a shitty division, in which "inconsistently great" is far and away the favorite. The 'Bucs are in a division with the Falcons and Saints. "Inconsistent" just doesn't cut it.
11. Atlanta
They get the nod over Tampa for this spot largely thanks to strength of schedule--already 4-3, the Falcons are looking at 5 near-guaranteed wins (Indy, Tenn, Minn, Car, Jax) the rest of the way. And the Texans and Bucs are both winnable games. Ten wins is hardly a stretch for them. Tampa, on the other hand? They get Tennessee, Carolina twice, and Jacksonville--then toss-ups against the Falcons, Texans, and Cowboys. You're telling me the Dirty Birds aren't a game better?
10. NY Giants
Say what you will about Eli Manning (and, dear Lord, I have done just that in this space previously)--I'd much rather have the title of "Worst QB to ever win a Super Bowl" than "Best QB to never win a Super Bowl." Warrants mentioning.
The win over Buffalo was huge. But losing to Seattle?! And, let's be real--this coming showdown against Miami is the only guaranteed win on this team's plate the rest of the way. The NFC East is wide-open at this point. Just because the Blue Men are in the driver's seat now doesn't really mean anything.
The Entertaining As Hell Division
9. Baltimore
Put it this way: these guys were ranked at #4 until Monday night's debacle. Baltimore fans are praying that was merely an anomaly, and that this team is finally living up to the potential-dynasty hype I bestowed upon them two seasons ago. And not a sign of an impending collapse. Time will tell. In the meantime, they just lost to the Jaguars, so they'll take a free-fall in the polls.
8. Chicago
All of these teams fall under the following category: extremely fun to watch, more competent than average, probably playoff teams, but just missing the total package. Give me Matt Forte, and I'll put together a championship team. Give me Jay Cutler, and that championship team will putter out in the divisional/conference round. For years now, I've been making the Jay Cutler-Jeff George comparison--just now, I realized that Marshall Faulk-Matt Forte is just as valid. Creepy. Let's hope that the Bears aren't within a decade of drafting their own Peyton Manning, much like the George-Faulk Colts in the early '90s.
7. Detroit
Jesus, what the hell happened? Two weeks ago, Green Bay-Detroit for Thanksgiving looked like the game of the decade. Now, the Lions have lost two straight, Matty Stafford's ankle is giving him trouble, Jahvid Best appears to be out for the year, and Jerome Harrison has a brain tumor. Just a brutal turn of events. On the bright side--Calvin Johnson is still unstoppable, and the Lions are still five wins better than they were a few years ago.
6. Buffalo
I'm still trying to figure out how these guys beat New England. Don't get me wrong--Stevie Johnson has emerged as a top-10 wideout, the entire league is kicking themselves for not picking up on Fred Jackson first, and Ryan Fitzpatrick is the next generation of "game manager" quarterback who makes good decisions, uses the talent around him, and doesn't fuck things up. Perfect fit for this team. The Buffalo fans deserve a playoff team, and I really hope they can hold on and get it this year. Miami twice, Washington, Tennessee, and Denver might be enough to get them there--but they might need to knock a few other ones out, too.
The Dark Horse Division
5. San Francisco
Eerily reminiscent of the '06 Bears. A prototypical "everything but the dining room" team. As Bill Simmons explained it:
"OK, let's say you just bought a new house, only you got soaked on your mortgage and had to go with a 75-25 instead of an 80-20. You're short on funds, so you decide, 'We're going to spend most of our time in the kitchen, TV room and bedroom' and spend all your remaining funds to make those rooms nice: Maybe a 52-inch plasma, comfy sofa, kitchen table, king-sized bed, a few framed pictures, some homey knick-knacks and so on. By the time you're done, every room in the house looks great except for the dining room. Instead of half-assing it and putting a cheap-looking table and chairs in there, or even worse, splurging on a nice table and crappy chairs, you decided to sacrifice that room for 12 months, leave it empty and use that extra money on the rest of the house. It's the right move. And when friends visit and see an empty dining room, you just explain, 'Yeah, we haven't gotten around to that room yet.' They will understand, especially when they see the rest of your kick-ass house."
Aside from the fact that the hypothetical person who got soaked on their mortgage and couldn't afford to furnish their whole house is probably foreclosed and living in Mommy's basement by now, this is the Niners to a T. They've got a big-game runner in Frank Gore. They've got a suffocating D. They've got a rookie coach who ran shit at the college level, and appears to be one of the "runs shit at every level" coaches as opposed to the Pete Carroll variety of "runs shit as long as I can pay my players and nobody else can" type. In a down year, they'd be a favorite. In this NFL? Sorry, but the Empty Dining Room (Alex Smith's new nickname) is enough to drag them down to the 5th spot in the Parade of Homes.
(Like how I carried the dining room analogy at least three jokes longer than I should have? That's what happens when I write these things drunk. Just bear with me here, we're almost done and I'm still somewhat cohesive. Or coherent. Whatever.)
4. Pittsburgh
With a team like this, you have to ignore the Week 1 shellacking at the hands of Baltimore. Maybe it was the lockout, maybe it was the Week One jitters--the point is, we've seen six other examples, and that was not this team. This weekend's matchup with New England will tell us a lot about this team.
(And let's be real--this right here is probably the biggest gap in the poll. From 3-4 is a massive chasm. Maybe that's because Baltimore was supposed to go here until they shat the bed on Monday. But when your 4th best team in the NFL is coming into a "time to prove ourselves" game, well, that's not an encouraging sign for the rest of the league.
3. New Orleans
Does anyone actually remember that these guys blew a winnable game against Tampa just a little over a week ago? No, all I can think of is the revolving door endzone defense the Colts tried to employ Sunday night. Setting an NFL regular-season record for points tends to shorten the memory when it comes to things like that.
The Number One Contender
2. New England
We've been waiting for a New England-Green Bay Super Bowl ever since 2008. Which, of course, means that something will inevitably screw it up. I'm sorry to say, Bill Belichek isn't the same coach he once was. Is he going senile? Maybe just a little bit.
That being said, this team is stacked. I'm not betting against them, that's for sure.
The Potential Dynasty
1. Green Bay
Look, I'm well aware that there may very well come a day where I look at this ranking, and that title, and cry myself to sleep. It can happen. But at this point? Last unbeaten team in the league? With arguably the best big-game quarterback since Montana in his prime? With four--count 'em four--guys who could be a #1 receiver on another team? With a winning streak stretching back to last December? With Charles Woodson preying on young quarterbacks much like Roman Polanski once preyed on young girls? With the Kuhn And Friends backfield providing the perfect supplement to Rodgers' passing attack? I refuse to apologize for this pick, and I refuse to acknowledge anyone who claims that this makes me a homer. Best team in the league right now? You know it.
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