The great ones always have a habit of sucking you back in. Michael Jordan's final run of titles. Brett Favre's magical 2007 and 2009 seasons, which defied time, the odds, and everything we knew about Brett Favre. Tiger Woods on Sunday at the 2011 Masters.
Yes, the man America said would never bounce back has bounced back. And I love it.
I'm not the biggest golf fan in the world, but I do somewhat follow the sport. Like tennis, I like to tune in for the major events but I couldn't tell you much detail about the non-household-names competing in them. (Though I can tell you that Adam Scott's putter should not be legal, much like someone who showed up to Wimbledon with a racket the size of a surfboard would likely be sent home hanging their head.) But four or five times a year the stakes are high enough to always provide entertainment.
The Masters might be the best example of this. The tradition, the prestige, the intensity of the competitors is all ramped up. And Augusta National adds its own stamp to the proceedings--at times, it feels like the course is almost in the competition itself. Like Sunday afternoon, where at several points it seemed feasible that a 7-9 man playoff was going to happen. Like Sunday afternoon, when Rory McIlroy cemented his name next to Jose Mesa, Greg Norman, and the 1993 Houston Oilers. Like Sunday afternoon, when Tiger Woods seemingly smelled blood and absolutely shredded the front nine.
Count me among those who wish he had pulled it out. Watching his back nine effort, you just kept waiting for something to happen. "Okay, if he pulls out a few birdies here, he'll be in great shape." "If he can finish strong he's in contention." Never happened. He was destined to come back, but not come all the way back. Not yet.
The sad truth is that Tiger's best days as a golfer are probably behind him. He's well into his thirties at this point. Years of hitting punishing drive after punishing drive have taken a toll on his knees and shoulders. But he showed on Sunday that maybe he's still got a little left in the tank. Maybe he won't be the golfer he once was, but that doesn't mean he can't be a great golfer. Jordan and Kobe both aged like fine wines, compensating for their declining athleticism by adding new elements to their games, changing their styles to reflect this, and using their wealth of experience to guide them. And I'd love to see this from Tiger. Haters be damned, I love a good comeback story.
We loved Tiger In His Prime. He was the greatest athlete of our generation. Hell, he was the greatest athlete of all time. Name any one person who dominated a sports landscape with the longevity and magnitude that Tiger did. The great ones have a sixth (or even seventh) gear in reserve, another level to step up to when it's necessary. Tiger is the only athlete I could ever remember who operated in sixth gear all the time. If Reggie Miller was the quintessential "steps his game up in the big moments" athlete, tiger was the quintessential "steps his game up right away, buries your ass, and coasts to victory" athlete. You didn't just expect him to do the extraordinary, you were a little disappointed when he didn't.
And off the course, he was everything you were supposed to be. Successful. Rich beyond your wildest dreams. Utterly perfect, to the point it was boring. Name one celebrity (prior to the fire hydrant incident) who was less exciting to talk about. What did we know about Tiger Woods? He took a game that was centuries old and brought it to its apex. He was married to a Swedish supermodel/nanny that most of us would give our right pinky to wake up to every morning. He never said or did anything controversial. If an errant Sergio Garcia tee shot had one day hit him in the head, cracking open his exoskeleton and revealing the true nature of the TigerBot 3000 android, I probably wouldn't have even blinked.
So when it all came unraveled, we overreacted. We attacked him with a little more venom than we would save for a lesser mortal. The jokes were far more over the line, and far more frequent. It didn't help that professionally, he was fading too. Recent years saw Tiger suffer through injury problems, struggle with adjustments to his swing, and even lose the #1 in the world ranking. The facade was gone. Time to move on.
But there's one thing we forgot in this whole thing. Tiger Woods is a man. Nothing more, nothing less. He is not perfect, and neither are we. He did something that thousands of men do every day, and that an even larger number would have done in a second if they were in his shoes. And he was crucified for it.
If that was the end of the story, it would be a sad one indeed. But it is not. Sunday afternoon Tiger taught us all a valuable lesson, if we were able to stop moralizing for a second and recognize it. No matter how down you are, you can always bounce back. We are all human, and we are all going to make mistakes. Tiger took himself out of the public eye, dusted himself off, put his personal life back together behind the scenes, and returned to doing what he does best--making golf shots that we will remember for the rest of our lives.
If my children pick up on that lesson, I'll consider Tiger to be an exemplary role model.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Preparing for Super Bowl Week
Howdy, friends.
You're probably wondering what happened between June 18 (the World Cup live-blog of USA-Slovenia) and this past Sunday (the NFC Championship). Since nothing visible happened in the world of Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe, you're curious as to why I stopped writing for 7 months.
Truth is, there's no exciting explanation like you'd think. For a few months I made attempts at a few pieces (most notably several attempts at ripping apart The Decision, as well as an aborted end-of-summer blockbuster titled "2010: The Summer of the Douchebag Athlete"). These all ended one of two ways--I either got a decent start, couldn't figure out where to go, and the piece was left unfinished; or I finished it, re-read it, hated it, and decided not to publish.
If anyone who works in social media is reading this (actually reading it, not clicking it to spam my comments promising a smaller stomach, a bigger dick, or both), you just lost any respect for me. Didn't ya? Because the first rule of online media is to stay constant. Stay relevant. To write a "successful" website, you need to provide a steady stream of new content.
I could blast this theory out of the water easily, but it's already been done, and far better than I ever could.* Suffice to say that this site is nothing like a Gawker, or a Perez Hilton--so I have no intention of following that model. If I'm proud of something I've written enough to share it, I will do so--I'm at least competent enough to do that once in a while, we've seen. If I write something that just isn't up to snuff, or just won't come together, I'm not going to force it on you--it'd be an insult to you, an insult to me, and an insult to the topic being covered. You've already got an entire generation of online narcissists trumpeting in your ear for the sole purpose of hearing their own trumpeting--why should I burden you with another one?
So that's the past. A bad case of writers block, and something had to happen to shake me out of it. Something like a Green Bay Super Bowl. Can you feel it, bitches?
A year ago, I did a Tribute Week for March Madness, cramming an obscene amount of content into one week of posting. I almost feel obligated to do it again. That, and I have some good ideas for Super Bowl Week content that I'd like to get reader feedback on.
(Yep, you're damn right. I just spent 400 words on an enigmatic non-apology for being unable to come up with content, and now I'm going to use a glorified brainstorming session as finished product--AND solicit content ideas from readers. In my defense--I may be lazy, but I just might be so good at it as to turn it into an art form.)
-Super Bowl Preview
Simple. This one has to be done. Odds are, I'll come up with some quirky gimmick to carry me through what is sure to be a larger, and not too positive, piece. I've done the movie quotes before, might do something similar?
-Should the Bears Be Looking to Replace Cutler?
Yeah, I know--not technically Super Bowl-related. But I'm putting this one on here as a buffer choice--if enough non-Packer fans are depressed enough at the thought of an all-Packer week, I'll slip it up to next week. Otherwise, I'll probably run it shortly after. Either way, I'm in need of Bears fans for feedback--objectively, I think the fake trade that the Pointless Hypotheticals Division cooked up is a no-brainer for both sides. But I'm not a Bears fan, and I don't know how they feel about Jay. And without that angle, this piece is at least 50% worse. So I need a few readers to step up. Since you're doing me a favor, I promise to keep the wisecracks to a minimum.
-The Top 10 Super Bowls of my Lifetime
Ehh, I know. Lists. Ugh. But realistically--how else can you do a "best-of" piece? This one might turn out to be "Top 5 that I've actually watched" in final format (since I have no first-hand memory of the Dallas Dynasty save for the heartbreak that happened the last time Green Bay played a playoff game in Dallas). Either way, I feel almost obligated to do some sort of historical countdown.
-Retro Diary: Super Bowl XXXI
I can almost guarantee that this one will come to pass. I've got a copy, it's already been re-watched twice this week, and I can guarantee at least another twice before next Sunday. Would I love to go back and re-live two of the greatest hours of my life with my awesome readers? You bet your ass I would!
-Tale of the Tape: '96 Brett Favre vs. '10 Aaron Rodgers
I'd include '66 Bart Starr, but I never saw him play. Wouldn't be fair. I'll simply placate the old-timers with the following qualifier: Starr is the one who won multiple titles.
(Also worth mentioning while we're on the subject of '96 Favre: watching him in that Super Bowl is an experience. I won't say good or bad, because it's a very mixed bag. On the one hand, I forgot how good he was. On the other hand, how good he was is tainted by how bad he got, and what a prick he turned into. It's like finding a picture of you and your estranged best friend from high school--it brings back a flood of happy memories, followed by the twinge of those memories being tainted as you remember walking in on him balls deep in your girlfriend two years later. Bittersweet like nothing else on this planet.)
-Would Aaron Rodgers still be this good if he didn't free-fall in the draft?
Simple question, and I'd love love love to delve into the psyche of Aaron Rodgers. Not only is he my team's quarterback, he's an objectively fascinating athlete. *Spoiler Alert* I can't remember seeing anyone who wants to win so badly since Michael Jordan.
Also, my brain is not just going to turn off until I start writing again. So this list is hardly final--just a little sneak preview, if you will. If you've got any ideas you'd like to see me tackle, feel free to share. I welcome all reader feedback.
*Seriously, take the ten minutes to read this. PhilaLawyer is one of my major inspirations as a writer, and one of my major hobbies as a reader. He's a prime example of what I'm talking about regarding quality vs. quantity. On average, he posts maybe twice or three times a month. Maybe. But he's got a five-year back catalogue of work, a best-selling book, and all of it is quality. Hopefully that will be me in 2015.
You're probably wondering what happened between June 18 (the World Cup live-blog of USA-Slovenia) and this past Sunday (the NFC Championship). Since nothing visible happened in the world of Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe, you're curious as to why I stopped writing for 7 months.
Truth is, there's no exciting explanation like you'd think. For a few months I made attempts at a few pieces (most notably several attempts at ripping apart The Decision, as well as an aborted end-of-summer blockbuster titled "2010: The Summer of the Douchebag Athlete"). These all ended one of two ways--I either got a decent start, couldn't figure out where to go, and the piece was left unfinished; or I finished it, re-read it, hated it, and decided not to publish.
If anyone who works in social media is reading this (actually reading it, not clicking it to spam my comments promising a smaller stomach, a bigger dick, or both), you just lost any respect for me. Didn't ya? Because the first rule of online media is to stay constant. Stay relevant. To write a "successful" website, you need to provide a steady stream of new content.
I could blast this theory out of the water easily, but it's already been done, and far better than I ever could.* Suffice to say that this site is nothing like a Gawker, or a Perez Hilton--so I have no intention of following that model. If I'm proud of something I've written enough to share it, I will do so--I'm at least competent enough to do that once in a while, we've seen. If I write something that just isn't up to snuff, or just won't come together, I'm not going to force it on you--it'd be an insult to you, an insult to me, and an insult to the topic being covered. You've already got an entire generation of online narcissists trumpeting in your ear for the sole purpose of hearing their own trumpeting--why should I burden you with another one?
So that's the past. A bad case of writers block, and something had to happen to shake me out of it. Something like a Green Bay Super Bowl. Can you feel it, bitches?
A year ago, I did a Tribute Week for March Madness, cramming an obscene amount of content into one week of posting. I almost feel obligated to do it again. That, and I have some good ideas for Super Bowl Week content that I'd like to get reader feedback on.
(Yep, you're damn right. I just spent 400 words on an enigmatic non-apology for being unable to come up with content, and now I'm going to use a glorified brainstorming session as finished product--AND solicit content ideas from readers. In my defense--I may be lazy, but I just might be so good at it as to turn it into an art form.)
-Super Bowl Preview
Simple. This one has to be done. Odds are, I'll come up with some quirky gimmick to carry me through what is sure to be a larger, and not too positive, piece. I've done the movie quotes before, might do something similar?
-Should the Bears Be Looking to Replace Cutler?
Yeah, I know--not technically Super Bowl-related. But I'm putting this one on here as a buffer choice--if enough non-Packer fans are depressed enough at the thought of an all-Packer week, I'll slip it up to next week. Otherwise, I'll probably run it shortly after. Either way, I'm in need of Bears fans for feedback--objectively, I think the fake trade that the Pointless Hypotheticals Division cooked up is a no-brainer for both sides. But I'm not a Bears fan, and I don't know how they feel about Jay. And without that angle, this piece is at least 50% worse. So I need a few readers to step up. Since you're doing me a favor, I promise to keep the wisecracks to a minimum.
-The Top 10 Super Bowls of my Lifetime
Ehh, I know. Lists. Ugh. But realistically--how else can you do a "best-of" piece? This one might turn out to be "Top 5 that I've actually watched" in final format (since I have no first-hand memory of the Dallas Dynasty save for the heartbreak that happened the last time Green Bay played a playoff game in Dallas). Either way, I feel almost obligated to do some sort of historical countdown.
-Retro Diary: Super Bowl XXXI
I can almost guarantee that this one will come to pass. I've got a copy, it's already been re-watched twice this week, and I can guarantee at least another twice before next Sunday. Would I love to go back and re-live two of the greatest hours of my life with my awesome readers? You bet your ass I would!
-Tale of the Tape: '96 Brett Favre vs. '10 Aaron Rodgers
I'd include '66 Bart Starr, but I never saw him play. Wouldn't be fair. I'll simply placate the old-timers with the following qualifier: Starr is the one who won multiple titles.
(Also worth mentioning while we're on the subject of '96 Favre: watching him in that Super Bowl is an experience. I won't say good or bad, because it's a very mixed bag. On the one hand, I forgot how good he was. On the other hand, how good he was is tainted by how bad he got, and what a prick he turned into. It's like finding a picture of you and your estranged best friend from high school--it brings back a flood of happy memories, followed by the twinge of those memories being tainted as you remember walking in on him balls deep in your girlfriend two years later. Bittersweet like nothing else on this planet.)
-Would Aaron Rodgers still be this good if he didn't free-fall in the draft?
Simple question, and I'd love love love to delve into the psyche of Aaron Rodgers. Not only is he my team's quarterback, he's an objectively fascinating athlete. *Spoiler Alert* I can't remember seeing anyone who wants to win so badly since Michael Jordan.
Also, my brain is not just going to turn off until I start writing again. So this list is hardly final--just a little sneak preview, if you will. If you've got any ideas you'd like to see me tackle, feel free to share. I welcome all reader feedback.
*Seriously, take the ten minutes to read this. PhilaLawyer is one of my major inspirations as a writer, and one of my major hobbies as a reader. He's a prime example of what I'm talking about regarding quality vs. quantity. On average, he posts maybe twice or three times a month. Maybe. But he's got a five-year back catalogue of work, a best-selling book, and all of it is quality. Hopefully that will be me in 2015.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Back With a Vengeance: NFC Championship Live Blog
Here's the thing I've noticed over the past week: a lot of people outside of Wisconsin and Illinois don't get Packers-Bears as a legitimate "great" rivalry--largely due to the fact that they haven't met outside of the regular season since 1941.
Which is what makes today such a huge, huge game. To those outside of the Midwest--these two fan bases loathe each other. Like, loathe. On the level of Red Sox-Yankees only worse because of the little-brother complex most of us up in Wisconsin have towards the city of Chicago. Fuck 'em, it feels good to beat the FIBs.
So this game? Yeah, it's a big deal. It's the biggest game we've played in 15 years, bar none.
A few pregame thoughts...
15:00 Holy shit... Jim Cornelison can sing. Is there any better way to start a Packers-Bears NFC Championship than a heavyset mustachioed man belting out one of the strongest Anthems in TV history? I can't remember the last time I got goosebumps like that. And the crowd sounds ready to go--everyone's drinking away the cold, and things are gonna get loud.
Normally, this would be a bad thing for the visiting team. I love it. Aaron Rodgers is a competitor--he feeds on the adversity of the crowd. They're just gonna inspire him to shut them up. Say what you will about the game--this is a Super Bowl-like atmosphere. Whoever survives will have a leg up next week.
14:56 The field is going to be a problem. Slippery, and lots of shadows. Could be a few drops.
13:53 Aaron Rodgers and Greg Jennings are coming out hard. Two first downs on two plays.
12:38 Aikman: "I think the Bears are gonna need to do something to show Aaron Rodgers that it's not as easy as he made it look the past two weeks." Uh, yeah. Rodgers is carving up Bear steaks on this drive.
11:00 Touchdown, Aaron Rodgers! Shades of Brett Favre's scramble in Super Bowl XXXI. Pretty goal-line roll out off of the play fake. The Bear defense looked helpless on the first drive. Rodgers looks frighteningly good--four for four, averaging 19 yards per attempt. Three 20 yard completions. He's entered the Barry Sanders "Don't Bet Against Me, Ever, For Any Reason" Zone. Like Favre in his prime, except without the forced throws.
10:45 Chad Clifton is hurt, they are calling it a stinger. All of Wisconsin is parying that it's not worse.
8:40 Um, has Dom Capers noticed that the Bears are going to Matt Forte on every play? Just sayin'.
8:00 Third down, Cutler pressured, and he overthrows Devin Hester. Wide open. Charlie Peprah didn't have a prayer at it. I'm grateful for Jay Cutler. Punt out of bounds at the ten--Packers with a chance to start an avalanche.
5:55 TJ Lang is in at left tackle for Clifton, as Brandon Jackson rips a run. I love and hate that about him--he either goes for 10, or hits the line and drops. No in-between.
5:04 Dear Joe Buck: Please do not casually toss out phrases like "Aaron Rodgers looks hurt." It's not funny. Seriously, fuck you.
5:00 Third down, Rodgers dumps it off, and Kuhn drops it. Rodgers is facing increasing pressure from Julius Peppers, who is rocking the shit out of the overmatched Lang. He's not Allen Barbre, but he's only marginally better. We need Clifton in there before the gimp shows up.
4:00 Plays the bears have run in which Forte didn't touch the ball: 1. Warrants mentioning.
3:23 Cullen Jenkins gets to Cutler on third down! Shame he didn't try to force a bad throw there, though. Cutler is what happens when you combine Brett Favre's decision-making skills with Jeff George's attitude. Granted, he blows Kyle Orton out of the water, but still. Just a few years later, I absolutely cannot imagine him coexisting with Brandon Marshall. How the hell did those two not cripple each other?
2:40 Another 20+ yard completion to Greg Jennings. He's a hot knife, and the Bear defense is butter.
:52 Rodgers flushed and sacked on third down. Saw that coming a mile away. No way the Bears let the Packers get too far out front. Another awesome pooch punt by Masthay, downed inside the 5. He's the master of those. I've really come to love his work as of late. At any rate, the Bears are inside the two yard line.
17: Forte barely gets out of the endzone, bringing us to the end of the quarter
Some thoughts:
13:21 Packers driving again. Brandon Jackson just juked Urlacher out of his jockstrap. Heh.
12:17 The Packers are averaging 7.8 yards per offensive play. And that was before Jordy Nelson took it inside the 5.
11:13 How'd you like to get your first NFL touchdown in the NFC Championship?! James Starks, baby!
Hell of an effort on his part. He saw a seam in the defense, bowled into the linebackers, and forced his way to the goal line. 14-0, and the Bears really need some kind of points out of this drive. I'm quite pleased with this start.
10:50 I love Johnny Knox, simply because of his name. So fun to say. Just sounds like he should be a made man. It's like the Reverse JP Losman Effect--the fact that "Johnny Knocks" would make a su-poib mobster nickname actually makes him better. I'm convinced of it.
8:58 Is it just me, or is there something satisfying about watching Jay Cutler get laid out? Every time he slides, I get sad inside. Will never forgive him for the way he handled the Denver situation (like a spoiled trust-fund baby at best). Cutler is a tool. And it's fun to root against guys who qualify as tools.
Packers defense has been very uncharacteristic today. Bend, but don't break. The Bears are averaging 4.6 yards per play, not bad, but the Packer defense is tightening in their own territory.
7:26 Speaking of awesome names... Starks starts off the drive with a 10 yard run, and is brought down by Major Wright. I can't make this stuff up.
6:50 25-yard run by Rodgers. And he could've pushed for more, but he stepped out of bounds a little early. Still, one of my favorite Rodgers wrinkles--he's secretly a superbly effective scrambler. He doesn't break off the 60-yard highlight reel runs that a Mike Vick or Seneca Wallace will, but his footwork in the pocket is on a Breesian level, plus he has good instincts when it comes to taking off and gaining large quantities of turf.
5:20 The crowd noise just forced Rodgers to use a timeout. Can't say the atmosphere rates ANYWHERE below "electric."
4:55 Third and one, Starks stopped short. Is John Kuhn in the crapper or something? Why would you run Starks up the middle there?
4:11 Again, the Bears trying to target Forte. They've lost the element of surprise at this point.
3:53 Cutler gets jacked as he throws, puts it up for grabs, and it's almost picked off by Clay Matthews. Good job by Greg Olson to swat it away, and save the drive. There was a Cutler mistake. Right enough, Forte takes it to the 30 for the first down on a draw.
1:52 Another semi-prolonged Chicago drive, another punt. Comically, the PA system chooses Usher and Lil' Jon's "Yeah!..." as their defense comes onto a fairly short field, trailing by two scores. Hope springs eternal, I guess.
1:38 Another nice Rodgers scramble. He dusted Urlacher to the sideline.
:43 Driver drops a low throw, and Lance Briggs with the interception off the tip. Actually, on the replay, Driver kicked it. Cheap pick. Forte into Packer territory on the first play of the drive. Just like that, the crowd is starting to perk up again. Awesome.
:32 And Sam Shields gets it back! Cutler goes deep, Shields matches Knox stride for stride, and makes a play on it. Great pick by Shields--maybe the best undrafted free agent rookie I can ever remember. That is a monster--we needed to squash them before they could turn momentum into points. We've dominated across the board--but with only two scores to show for it.
As ex-head official Mike Herrera pontificates why he thinks the call will be overturned, it is held up. Rodgers kneels, and it's halftime. Two scores does not do this half justice. Gonna take a shower, and return for the second half.
Third Quarter
12:28 Third down, another 20+ completion from Rodgers. This time to Jordy Nelson. We've even got the same "four-man WR corps, with the Token White Guy" concept that worked back in 1996. Jordy or Don Beebe?
10:06 James Starks reminds me an awful lot of Emmitt Smith. Small back who saw his blockers well, knew how to follow them, and compensated for a lack of flashy jukes, stutter-steps and the like with a low center of gravity that made him almost impossible to bring down. Same mold.
9:40 So for those keeping score at home, our quarterback looks like John Elway or a righty Steve Young, crossed with Brett Favre's swagger and Michael Jordan's mean-streak competitiveness and our running back is cut out of the Emmitt Smith mold. Very good time to be a Packer fan.
8:50 Rodgers with nowhere to go with it, intercepted by Urlacher. Todd Collins is in for Cutler, reportedly it's a knee injury. A Google search for Cutler reveals the following Twitter post: "Jay Cutler is as tough as a feather pillow."
8:44 Cutler looks to show no signs of wanting to return to this game. Todd Collins looks horribly overmatched. And right on cue, Nick Collins (no relation) with a diving interception. On replay, the ball bounced. Hoping Lovie won't challenge this one.
8:20 If my posting slows down, it's technical difficulties. I have an old laptop, and it keeps freezing up. Sorry.
5:53 Rodgers ducks down and gets the legs of a flying defender. I couldn't breathe until he stood up. That would've been brutal.
4:29 Devin Hester slips on the turf, no return on the punt. Another break. It's still a two score game, and I do not trust Hester in the slightest. Todd Collins can't fuck him up.
3:10 Tramon Williams almost walks away with another interception. So many near-picks from Collins. Believe it or not, I actually feel legitimately bad for Bears fans at this point. It's one thing to lose. It's another thing to lose a conference championship game to a hated rival, and have your quarterback completely exposed in the process.
Jay Cutler is a loser. Plain and simple. His solution to a perceived problem in Denver was to whine and bitch, and force his way out. His body language clearly states "I want nothing to do with this game." He's a pussy, who gets frustrated easily and gives up too quickly. It's a cancer to have in a quarterback--and it's also the reason for the Jeff George comparison earlier. Not even George was this bad though.
1:29 Another three and out. I'd feel so much more confident about this game if we had scored more than twice. Fourteen points can be made up in freakish ways.
:57 Just when I can't think of any ways that we can be more stacked, Tim Masthay launches a 61-yard punt over Earl Bennett's head. I didn't know watching a punter could be this fun.
:20 Someone named Caleb Hanie is in for Collins. Lovie Smith is visibly sweaty trying to wrench the fork out of Collins' back on the sideline. He's that done.
Fourth Quarter
14:18 Just as soon as the booth finishes explaining the rules that state that Cutler and Collins are both ineligible to return to the game, Hanie is rocked by AJ Hawk. Don't tempt me, fate.
13:05 Clay Matthews rocks Forte in the backfield. I hope Matthews is aware of the bounty on Hanie's head.
12:27 Hanie to Johnny Knox, down to the one and out of bounds. Fuck.
12:02 Touchdown, Chester Taylor. Soldier Field sounds like it just got electroshocked. Forty-seven minutes of domination, and suddenly Chicago has all the momentum. Hanie even wears Tom Brady's number. This can't happen. Can't.
11:51 Starks stopped at the line, and the crowd actually reacted. Come on, Rodgers. This is where you shine.
11:08 Rodgers is absolutely wrecked by Peppers as he overshoots Jennings. Can't say I'm surprised to see that--just surprised it took this long. Know Peppers has to be headhunting.
11:03 Another flag, this one pass interference downfield on first down. I can't remember the last time I heard this much booing.
10:30 Can someone make me the following image: Cutler moping on the sideline with little bits of blood on his sleeve, and Rodgers spitting blood onto the field after Peppers rung his bell? I feel like this contrast says it all about those two.
9:32 Incomplete, punt team on. Hanie has the crowd behind him. I'm absolutely terrified.
8:29 Three and out, with Sam Shields getting a good shot on Hanie on third down. Glad to see our defense get their swagger back. Hoping that score might have been a fluke.
7:31 Incomplete, Rodgers throws low off the play-action. Hey, the first two games were ugly affairs that came down to the end--why should this one be any different?
6:15 Another third-down situation. INTERCEPTED BY BJ RAJI FOR THE TOUCHDOWN!
BJ Raji is the truck driving us to Dallas. Love the zone blitz. My Facebook toolbar is exploding with Raji-related status updates. Happy fucking day. Happy, happy fucking day. That was getting entirely too tense.
5:27 Charlie Peprah just lit up Earl Bennett. A couple first downs, all of a sudden the Bears are into our territory.
4:43 Bennett with a juke move, and he takes it in for the touchdown. How the fuck did that happen so fast? We went from "Joe Buck joking about Raji's Truffle Shuffle" to "7-point game" in what felt like nothing. I'm hoping that our offense can keep the momentum going from the pick-six.
3:50 Starks stopped cold at the line twice. Big third down coming up.
3:40 Nowhere to go, Rodgers goes down, three and out. Our defense came up big all game until that last drive. One more time, guys.
2:53 Masthay with another huge punt--56 yards--and Hanie on to run the two-minute drill. I have to pee. It'll have to wait.
2:44 High snap, Hanie barely brought it in. Chicago's collective hearts just jumped into their throats there.
2:38 How the fuck did Hanie get away from that rush? Seems like he was surrouned by green jerseys there.
2:33 Flag. Intentional grounding. Huge break. Bears fans are going to be pissed off at the refs for this one, mark my words.
1:54 Forte stopped short of the first down. Interesting trend--Hanie's gone to his checkdown routes almost exclusively this drive. I think he's feeling the pressure, and is a little hesitant to press his luck downfield. Good news for us, since they need a quick score and he's continually going short and over the middle. Shades of Matt Flynn? Great coming-out performance by a plucky backup QB, capped off by crapping the bed in a beat-the-clock situation?
Fourth and one. Here's the season.
1:48 And Chester Taylor gets it. Crap.
1:27 Hanie, screen pass to Forte. Clay Matthews is limping. I feel sick. Ball on the 34.
1:15 Can someone please tell me why we're only rushing three in this sitaution?! Didn't we learn this from last year's debacle in Pittsburgh? Ugh. Second timeout for the Bears.
1:11 Third and short, reverse to Earl Bennett. He's swallowed up in the backfield. Awful play-calling. Fourth and four...
HANIE INTERCEPTED BY SHIELDS! SUPER BOWL!
:37 Hell yes. Tonight will be a celebration in Wisconsin.
So, what do we take from this game?
Until next time, folks. Go party like it's 1996.
Which is what makes today such a huge, huge game. To those outside of the Midwest--these two fan bases loathe each other. Like, loathe. On the level of Red Sox-Yankees only worse because of the little-brother complex most of us up in Wisconsin have towards the city of Chicago. Fuck 'em, it feels good to beat the FIBs.
So this game? Yeah, it's a big deal. It's the biggest game we've played in 15 years, bar none.
A few pregame thoughts...
- The over/under of 42 is a laugh. A Packer/Bear game hasn't gotten to 42 since 2007, and hasn't gotten over it since 2005. Expect defense, expect ugly, expect cold, and take the under.
- The Packers will go as James Starks goes. They've proven that without him, they're almost on equal footing with the Bears--two field-goal games that could've gone either way, split 1-1. Add that dimension, and it could be a different story. If not? Well, the Bears have had two cracks at the one-dimensional Packer attack already, and Lovie Smith is not stupid...
- The Bears have been on one of the luckiest runs of recent memory this season--the Lions no-touchdown Week 1, a win over a gutted Packer team Week 3, 7 of their 11 wins were within one score... This is not a powerhouse 2-seed. Meanwhile, the Packers hobbled through the season, limped into the playoffs, and are playing at full strength for the first time. Then again, do you really want to go against the guy at the table who's on a hot streak?
15:00 Holy shit... Jim Cornelison can sing. Is there any better way to start a Packers-Bears NFC Championship than a heavyset mustachioed man belting out one of the strongest Anthems in TV history? I can't remember the last time I got goosebumps like that. And the crowd sounds ready to go--everyone's drinking away the cold, and things are gonna get loud.
Normally, this would be a bad thing for the visiting team. I love it. Aaron Rodgers is a competitor--he feeds on the adversity of the crowd. They're just gonna inspire him to shut them up. Say what you will about the game--this is a Super Bowl-like atmosphere. Whoever survives will have a leg up next week.
14:56 The field is going to be a problem. Slippery, and lots of shadows. Could be a few drops.
13:53 Aaron Rodgers and Greg Jennings are coming out hard. Two first downs on two plays.
12:38 Aikman: "I think the Bears are gonna need to do something to show Aaron Rodgers that it's not as easy as he made it look the past two weeks." Uh, yeah. Rodgers is carving up Bear steaks on this drive.
11:00 Touchdown, Aaron Rodgers! Shades of Brett Favre's scramble in Super Bowl XXXI. Pretty goal-line roll out off of the play fake. The Bear defense looked helpless on the first drive. Rodgers looks frighteningly good--four for four, averaging 19 yards per attempt. Three 20 yard completions. He's entered the Barry Sanders "Don't Bet Against Me, Ever, For Any Reason" Zone. Like Favre in his prime, except without the forced throws.
10:45 Chad Clifton is hurt, they are calling it a stinger. All of Wisconsin is parying that it's not worse.
8:40 Um, has Dom Capers noticed that the Bears are going to Matt Forte on every play? Just sayin'.
8:00 Third down, Cutler pressured, and he overthrows Devin Hester. Wide open. Charlie Peprah didn't have a prayer at it. I'm grateful for Jay Cutler. Punt out of bounds at the ten--Packers with a chance to start an avalanche.
5:55 TJ Lang is in at left tackle for Clifton, as Brandon Jackson rips a run. I love and hate that about him--he either goes for 10, or hits the line and drops. No in-between.
5:04 Dear Joe Buck: Please do not casually toss out phrases like "Aaron Rodgers looks hurt." It's not funny. Seriously, fuck you.
5:00 Third down, Rodgers dumps it off, and Kuhn drops it. Rodgers is facing increasing pressure from Julius Peppers, who is rocking the shit out of the overmatched Lang. He's not Allen Barbre, but he's only marginally better. We need Clifton in there before the gimp shows up.
4:00 Plays the bears have run in which Forte didn't touch the ball: 1. Warrants mentioning.
3:23 Cullen Jenkins gets to Cutler on third down! Shame he didn't try to force a bad throw there, though. Cutler is what happens when you combine Brett Favre's decision-making skills with Jeff George's attitude. Granted, he blows Kyle Orton out of the water, but still. Just a few years later, I absolutely cannot imagine him coexisting with Brandon Marshall. How the hell did those two not cripple each other?
2:40 Another 20+ yard completion to Greg Jennings. He's a hot knife, and the Bear defense is butter.
:52 Rodgers flushed and sacked on third down. Saw that coming a mile away. No way the Bears let the Packers get too far out front. Another awesome pooch punt by Masthay, downed inside the 5. He's the master of those. I've really come to love his work as of late. At any rate, the Bears are inside the two yard line.
17: Forte barely gets out of the endzone, bringing us to the end of the quarter
Some thoughts:
- Aaron Rodgers is operating on another plane of reality as of late. Something about the playoffs triggers Beast Mode in him.
- The Bears are not actually playing badly on defense--they've kept Starks to an effective minimum, and came up with a big sack at the end. But they're just helpless against Rodgers--he's that good.
- Matt Forte's legs might fall off with twelve minutes to play at this pace.
13:21 Packers driving again. Brandon Jackson just juked Urlacher out of his jockstrap. Heh.
12:17 The Packers are averaging 7.8 yards per offensive play. And that was before Jordy Nelson took it inside the 5.
11:13 How'd you like to get your first NFL touchdown in the NFC Championship?! James Starks, baby!
Hell of an effort on his part. He saw a seam in the defense, bowled into the linebackers, and forced his way to the goal line. 14-0, and the Bears really need some kind of points out of this drive. I'm quite pleased with this start.
10:50 I love Johnny Knox, simply because of his name. So fun to say. Just sounds like he should be a made man. It's like the Reverse JP Losman Effect--the fact that "Johnny Knocks" would make a su-poib mobster nickname actually makes him better. I'm convinced of it.
8:58 Is it just me, or is there something satisfying about watching Jay Cutler get laid out? Every time he slides, I get sad inside. Will never forgive him for the way he handled the Denver situation (like a spoiled trust-fund baby at best). Cutler is a tool. And it's fun to root against guys who qualify as tools.
Packers defense has been very uncharacteristic today. Bend, but don't break. The Bears are averaging 4.6 yards per play, not bad, but the Packer defense is tightening in their own territory.
7:26 Speaking of awesome names... Starks starts off the drive with a 10 yard run, and is brought down by Major Wright. I can't make this stuff up.
6:50 25-yard run by Rodgers. And he could've pushed for more, but he stepped out of bounds a little early. Still, one of my favorite Rodgers wrinkles--he's secretly a superbly effective scrambler. He doesn't break off the 60-yard highlight reel runs that a Mike Vick or Seneca Wallace will, but his footwork in the pocket is on a Breesian level, plus he has good instincts when it comes to taking off and gaining large quantities of turf.
5:20 The crowd noise just forced Rodgers to use a timeout. Can't say the atmosphere rates ANYWHERE below "electric."
4:55 Third and one, Starks stopped short. Is John Kuhn in the crapper or something? Why would you run Starks up the middle there?
4:11 Again, the Bears trying to target Forte. They've lost the element of surprise at this point.
3:53 Cutler gets jacked as he throws, puts it up for grabs, and it's almost picked off by Clay Matthews. Good job by Greg Olson to swat it away, and save the drive. There was a Cutler mistake. Right enough, Forte takes it to the 30 for the first down on a draw.
1:52 Another semi-prolonged Chicago drive, another punt. Comically, the PA system chooses Usher and Lil' Jon's "Yeah!..." as their defense comes onto a fairly short field, trailing by two scores. Hope springs eternal, I guess.
1:38 Another nice Rodgers scramble. He dusted Urlacher to the sideline.
:43 Driver drops a low throw, and Lance Briggs with the interception off the tip. Actually, on the replay, Driver kicked it. Cheap pick. Forte into Packer territory on the first play of the drive. Just like that, the crowd is starting to perk up again. Awesome.
:32 And Sam Shields gets it back! Cutler goes deep, Shields matches Knox stride for stride, and makes a play on it. Great pick by Shields--maybe the best undrafted free agent rookie I can ever remember. That is a monster--we needed to squash them before they could turn momentum into points. We've dominated across the board--but with only two scores to show for it.
As ex-head official Mike Herrera pontificates why he thinks the call will be overturned, it is held up. Rodgers kneels, and it's halftime. Two scores does not do this half justice. Gonna take a shower, and return for the second half.
Third Quarter
12:28 Third down, another 20+ completion from Rodgers. This time to Jordy Nelson. We've even got the same "four-man WR corps, with the Token White Guy" concept that worked back in 1996. Jordy or Don Beebe?
10:06 James Starks reminds me an awful lot of Emmitt Smith. Small back who saw his blockers well, knew how to follow them, and compensated for a lack of flashy jukes, stutter-steps and the like with a low center of gravity that made him almost impossible to bring down. Same mold.
9:40 So for those keeping score at home, our quarterback looks like John Elway or a righty Steve Young, crossed with Brett Favre's swagger and Michael Jordan's mean-streak competitiveness and our running back is cut out of the Emmitt Smith mold. Very good time to be a Packer fan.
8:50 Rodgers with nowhere to go with it, intercepted by Urlacher. Todd Collins is in for Cutler, reportedly it's a knee injury. A Google search for Cutler reveals the following Twitter post: "Jay Cutler is as tough as a feather pillow."
8:44 Cutler looks to show no signs of wanting to return to this game. Todd Collins looks horribly overmatched. And right on cue, Nick Collins (no relation) with a diving interception. On replay, the ball bounced. Hoping Lovie won't challenge this one.
8:20 If my posting slows down, it's technical difficulties. I have an old laptop, and it keeps freezing up. Sorry.
5:53 Rodgers ducks down and gets the legs of a flying defender. I couldn't breathe until he stood up. That would've been brutal.
4:29 Devin Hester slips on the turf, no return on the punt. Another break. It's still a two score game, and I do not trust Hester in the slightest. Todd Collins can't fuck him up.
3:10 Tramon Williams almost walks away with another interception. So many near-picks from Collins. Believe it or not, I actually feel legitimately bad for Bears fans at this point. It's one thing to lose. It's another thing to lose a conference championship game to a hated rival, and have your quarterback completely exposed in the process.
Jay Cutler is a loser. Plain and simple. His solution to a perceived problem in Denver was to whine and bitch, and force his way out. His body language clearly states "I want nothing to do with this game." He's a pussy, who gets frustrated easily and gives up too quickly. It's a cancer to have in a quarterback--and it's also the reason for the Jeff George comparison earlier. Not even George was this bad though.
1:29 Another three and out. I'd feel so much more confident about this game if we had scored more than twice. Fourteen points can be made up in freakish ways.
:57 Just when I can't think of any ways that we can be more stacked, Tim Masthay launches a 61-yard punt over Earl Bennett's head. I didn't know watching a punter could be this fun.
:20 Someone named Caleb Hanie is in for Collins. Lovie Smith is visibly sweaty trying to wrench the fork out of Collins' back on the sideline. He's that done.
Fourth Quarter
14:18 Just as soon as the booth finishes explaining the rules that state that Cutler and Collins are both ineligible to return to the game, Hanie is rocked by AJ Hawk. Don't tempt me, fate.
13:05 Clay Matthews rocks Forte in the backfield. I hope Matthews is aware of the bounty on Hanie's head.
12:27 Hanie to Johnny Knox, down to the one and out of bounds. Fuck.
12:02 Touchdown, Chester Taylor. Soldier Field sounds like it just got electroshocked. Forty-seven minutes of domination, and suddenly Chicago has all the momentum. Hanie even wears Tom Brady's number. This can't happen. Can't.
11:51 Starks stopped at the line, and the crowd actually reacted. Come on, Rodgers. This is where you shine.
11:08 Rodgers is absolutely wrecked by Peppers as he overshoots Jennings. Can't say I'm surprised to see that--just surprised it took this long. Know Peppers has to be headhunting.
11:03 Another flag, this one pass interference downfield on first down. I can't remember the last time I heard this much booing.
10:30 Can someone make me the following image: Cutler moping on the sideline with little bits of blood on his sleeve, and Rodgers spitting blood onto the field after Peppers rung his bell? I feel like this contrast says it all about those two.
9:32 Incomplete, punt team on. Hanie has the crowd behind him. I'm absolutely terrified.
8:29 Three and out, with Sam Shields getting a good shot on Hanie on third down. Glad to see our defense get their swagger back. Hoping that score might have been a fluke.
7:31 Incomplete, Rodgers throws low off the play-action. Hey, the first two games were ugly affairs that came down to the end--why should this one be any different?
6:15 Another third-down situation. INTERCEPTED BY BJ RAJI FOR THE TOUCHDOWN!
BJ Raji is the truck driving us to Dallas. Love the zone blitz. My Facebook toolbar is exploding with Raji-related status updates. Happy fucking day. Happy, happy fucking day. That was getting entirely too tense.
5:27 Charlie Peprah just lit up Earl Bennett. A couple first downs, all of a sudden the Bears are into our territory.
4:43 Bennett with a juke move, and he takes it in for the touchdown. How the fuck did that happen so fast? We went from "Joe Buck joking about Raji's Truffle Shuffle" to "7-point game" in what felt like nothing. I'm hoping that our offense can keep the momentum going from the pick-six.
3:50 Starks stopped cold at the line twice. Big third down coming up.
3:40 Nowhere to go, Rodgers goes down, three and out. Our defense came up big all game until that last drive. One more time, guys.
2:53 Masthay with another huge punt--56 yards--and Hanie on to run the two-minute drill. I have to pee. It'll have to wait.
2:44 High snap, Hanie barely brought it in. Chicago's collective hearts just jumped into their throats there.
2:38 How the fuck did Hanie get away from that rush? Seems like he was surrouned by green jerseys there.
2:33 Flag. Intentional grounding. Huge break. Bears fans are going to be pissed off at the refs for this one, mark my words.
1:54 Forte stopped short of the first down. Interesting trend--Hanie's gone to his checkdown routes almost exclusively this drive. I think he's feeling the pressure, and is a little hesitant to press his luck downfield. Good news for us, since they need a quick score and he's continually going short and over the middle. Shades of Matt Flynn? Great coming-out performance by a plucky backup QB, capped off by crapping the bed in a beat-the-clock situation?
Fourth and one. Here's the season.
1:48 And Chester Taylor gets it. Crap.
1:27 Hanie, screen pass to Forte. Clay Matthews is limping. I feel sick. Ball on the 34.
1:15 Can someone please tell me why we're only rushing three in this sitaution?! Didn't we learn this from last year's debacle in Pittsburgh? Ugh. Second timeout for the Bears.
1:11 Third and short, reverse to Earl Bennett. He's swallowed up in the backfield. Awful play-calling. Fourth and four...
HANIE INTERCEPTED BY SHIELDS! SUPER BOWL!
:37 Hell yes. Tonight will be a celebration in Wisconsin.
So, what do we take from this game?
- This better taint Jay Cutler's career forever. If he even has one after this. It's one thing to go down gallantly. It's another to quit at the first sign of trouble. I hate Jay Cutler's attitude. I just don't understand how you can root for such a bitch.
- Aaron Rodgers' numbers look unfairly bad because of the two picks. One was off of a deflection--other than the dumb throw to Urlacher, he was effective if not his usual dominant self. Most importantly, he came through when the offense needed him early and let us establish a rhythm.
- James Starks was largely unimpressive, but we still won. Maybe it's just a side-effect of the ugly nature of Packers-Bears, but he never really got it going. Don't expect him to fare much better than this against Pittsburgh OR New York.
- Todd Collins is no longer capable of carrying an NFL clipboard.
- The John Kuhn bandwagon has officially turned into the garage. One carry for two yards.
- Greg Jennings (with 8) was one of two Packers with multiple catches. The other? Jordy Nelson.
- Touches by Matt Forte: 27. Touches by remaining Bears: 16.
Until next time, folks. Go party like it's 1996.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Fit to be Tied: The USA-Slovenia Live Blog
For those of you who missed Team USA's crazy/awesome/lucky draw with England during their first match (like myself, stuck working during the second half), it might interest you to know that the team is sitting in the driver's seat for a trip through the group stage. USA! USA! USA!
(Side note: approximately one paragraph, and the game hasn't even started yet. "USA!" chant No. 1 on the day. Hope you had the "under" on that one.)
So why is this interesting? Well, the way things were supposed to pan out, the USA was supposed to get through after falling to England, then meet Germany in the first knockout round and get crushed. However, in waking up early for this live blog, I caught the end of Germany 0-1 Serbia. Not only do the Germans look vulnerable for the first time in decades, but it looks like the Americans might get Serbia, Ghana, or possibly even Australia. What does that mean? Well, we might be sticking around a lot longer than originally planned!
The ESPN commentator just said it perfectly: this isn't a "must-win" game for the Americans, but it's a "better-not-lose" game. If US Soccer is ready to make The Leap, it all comes down to finishing things against the teams you're supposed to beat. Like, for instance, Slovenia and Algeria.
So why the hell would I ever wake myself up this early for a match against an inferior team? Well, I missed our only guaranteed match against an elite team. And Eastern Europe looks hot today, so you never know.
Let's roll.
-5:00 The Slovenian National Anthem. I was expecting something that sounded more Boratesque.
-3:30 Oh say can you see...
(It just got cold in here.)
-1:50 And the music isn't done for the day! Cue up the vuvuzeelas!
(Note: I did not understand the irrational hatred for these things until now. When you're up this early, the buzzing just grinds into your nerves.)
-:30 Altidore and Findley up front, Torres getting the start in midfield to give the Americans more speed.
:00 And we're off!
:20 Injury to a Slovenian player already after a sketchy challenge by Clint Dempsey. Glad to know he's focused today.
1:30 For the record, I'm not even going to try to identify the Slovenian players. I'd spend half the game trying to figure out the spellings. Seriously.
2:00 Another ugly foul. This one is getting dirty fast.
4:50 Great counterattack, Findley almost broke free. First corner of the game to the Americans.
5:20 Bradley fails to handle the corner, and it's a goal kick. So much for that. Good to see the counterattack this early though--Findley and Altidore are good for at least one that way this morning.
6:40 Free kick into the box for Slovenia, no real challenge to Timmy Howard. Things developing slowly.
9:00 Ladies and gentlemen; the Slovenian coach, Niko Bellic!
9:32 Seriously. Spitting image, right down to the scowl and the jacket. I could see the Slovenian coach smoking a cigarette on the sideline and glaring death at everyone who dares comment on it. Instantly like him.
12:00 I feel cheated. I made the effort to wake up for this game. Early on, it looks like Jozy Altidore didn't.
12:50 Slovenian goal. Shot from just outside the box into the corner. Tim Howard gets caught out of position, he didn't even try to stop it.
14:50 Free kick into the box, the Slovenian keeper punches it away. Ian Darke isn't even making an effort on this guy--he's simply calling him "the Slovenian keeper." High comedy.
16:20 Findley and Altidore get a break, Jozy can't bring in the final pass and The Slovenian Keeper clears it. That's his new official name, so I'm capitalizing it the rest of the way.
17:10 Michael Bradley sails a shot from about 50 yards out. Second time he's missed the net already--it's worth mentioning that he's the coach's son. You normally never see that once you hit high school.
20:00 "Twinkle-toed run from Donovan." Thanks, Ian. That was just etched in stone as Reason #213249 Why Americans Will Never Pick Up Soccer En Masse. Seriously, ESPN, why not spend a little more to get Clive Tyldsley again? Darke is like a homeless man's Tyldsley. I'll never understand this.
21:43 Novakovic breaks free on a free kick, and almost gets to it to poke it past Howard, followed by the Americans getting a few guys into the box and threatening. Very fast-paced game at this point. Americans are setting the tempo, hopefully that'll help with the whole comeback thing.
25:00 Corner to Slovenia. Tim Howard complaining that it stayed in. Luckily, nothing happens off the corner.
26:40 Novakovic is offsides. Not promising, the number of chances the Slovenians are getting. They're playing the Americans' game, and they're playing it better.
27:30 Bradley thinks twice about missing again, passes off to Donovan, who delivers it in to Dempsey who just can't finish. Good development though.
28:50 Howard chases down a set kick to knock it out, saving the corner. Would've loved to see that kind of effort on the goal.
30:40 Half hour in, we have yet to hear any announcer raise their voice. Never good for a soccer match. Even the goal just sort of happened.
32:00 Shot of several American fans. They look pissed to be there. One guy is texting. Passionate people, these are.
34:00 I apologize for the sparseness of the postings, but there is nothing going on. Two teams that play a very patient (read: boring) style. Lots of defenders passing within one another, lots of holding.
35:00 Bostjan Cesar (Slovenian defender) knocks down Jozy Altidore on a run, getting the first booking of the day. Free kick on the right edge for the Americans. Trying to rile myself awake.
35:40 Seven Americans in the box.
36:00 Torres takes a crack at the goal, and The Slovenian Keeper just parries it. Huge save, and a corner.
36:28 Demerit takes a long header, and he just misses by a few feet. No goal, but important signs of life for America. Slovenian player is injured, and being attended to.
38:30 Good break for America again. Donovan steals a pass in the offensive end, finds Findley, and he botches the pass, but it's out for the corner.
39:00 Everyone is confused. Findley getting a yellow card for an aleeged handball, replay shows that it got him in the face. He has to miss the Algeria match. "An absolutely ridiculous decision, one of the stupidest decisions I have ever seen." Maybe Ian Darke isn't all that bad.
(Note from my postgame edit: file that thought under "Obvious Foreshadowing." It will become relevant later.)
40:00 VERY near miss for the American attack. Corner coming. Something's gonna happen here, the announcers are buzzing. As are the vuvuzeelas. D'oh.
40:50 Cherundolo launches a shot from midfield. Replay of the near goal--the Slovenian defender beat Donovan to the ball by maybe a tenth of a second. THAT close to a goal.
41:25 2-0 Slovenia. No offsides. No defense from America, now that you mention it. Ljubijanic beat his marker with little effort, and Howard couldn't sprawl out and interfere. Bob Bradley looks like he owes money that he doesn't have. I should've just fucking slept in.
42:20 The collective American defense today has to equal at least three fourths of a John Shuster. And it might get worse.
43:00 That's devastating. USA was firmly in control of the flow, looked like it was only a matter of time until they equalized. Now, they look like they just got surprise sexed. Does anyone know how to play taps on a vuvuzeela?
44:30 Michael Bradley arguing a free kick, saying he won the ball clean. The replay proves otherwise. Not a great start for him.
45:00 Two minutes of added time.
46:50 The Americans play for the last attack, and fail to do anything off of the long ball. Halftime. Americans down 2-0. What a depressing way to start my day. Hey, at least if we beat Algeria we'll be bowl eligible.
Halftime thoughts: The Americans pooped in the refrigerator that half. An all-around brutal performance. The defense was gawd-awful, Bradley and Dempsey are sloppy, and Altidore, Findley, and Donovan aren't doing enough to make up for it. We've gone from talking about the Americans going deep into the tournament to almost certainly not even advancing out of group play. Halftime grades: Slovenia, B+; USA F; Vuvuzeela Orchestra D-.
45:00 Sure enough, two substitutions for the Americans. Torres and Findley coming out, Dempsey moving to forward, Maurice Edu and Benny Feilhaber coming on. It's worth noting that the only person who ever went by "Benny" to matter is Benny Hill. I don't trust this guy. He's a blue-chipper for the JP Losman All Stars--guys who still go by nicknames that you should stop using when your balls drop. For some reason, these guys are ALWAYS unreliable. You're really gonna trust a guy who still goes by Benny?
46:30 Americans building up an early attack. Slovenian defense is bending but not breaking. The Slovenian Keeper is on his game.
47:00 Ian Darke is desperate. "If they can just get one goal, they can get back in it!"
47:20 And Landon Donovan gets that goal! Great break down the side, great controlled approach, great shot from the side of the goal to put it in. He took it with confidence, and that made all the difference. And before it all, a great long ball. The Slovenian Keeper looked like he'd rather not try and stop that one.
48:30 The only time the Americans have ever come back from a 2-0 halftime defecit to win? 1995, in a friendly with Saudi Arabia. It's been mentioned about a half dozen times now, so I thought you'd need to know.
49:40 Slovenia down to ten men temporarily due to injury, Americans with a free kick in the offensive end.
50:00 Very nearly equalized! Donovan almost put it in off of the free kick, and Onyewu almost tipped it in, too.
50:50 Irony ftw: in this exact stadium, USA blew the final against Brazil last year after leading 2-0 at the half. Could they do the reverse today?
51:40 The defense has to stiffen up here. We've got the momentum, can't afford to let it slip away again.
53:00 Slovenia on the break... now on the attack... nothing of it.
53:40 Another replay of the Donovan goal. That thing was not gonna be stopped. A tracer bullet from point-blank range.
55:50 Counterattack from Slovenia off of an American offensive setup, but Howard collects it at the other end.
57:40 Altidore breaks past his man and is taken down outside the box. No call. Personally, we got hosed on that one.
(Again, postgame edit: obvious foreshadowing)
58:05 Donovan fouled. American free kick, maybe 35 yards out.
58:40 Slovenian defender Kirm hurt. Replay shows Dempsey damn near Suplexing him. To be fair, Kirm took a few shots at him first. Should've been a penalty before anything else.
60:40 Hand ball called on Edu. Free kick from the right side to cross for Slovenia. Punched away by Howard.
62:30 Altidore and Suler tangled up on a long ball, Slovenia free kick. John Harkes is openly questioning the impartiality of the referees.
64:20 Great work by the Americans working the ball down the field to get a chance. Good passing, good use of aerial balls. This is promising--though if they are going to win, they will need to score soon to draw level.
68:10 Altidore taken down on the edge of the box. Yellow card to Marko Suler. Harkes thinks it should be a red. He's not even bothering to fake impartiality. Love it.
(To be fair? It should've been a red. Jozy had gotten around him, and would've had a one on one with the keeper. That's an automatic red card.)
69:25 Donovan to take the kick...
69:40 Altidore ended up with it at the penalty spot falling away: The Slovenian Keeper holds it. Right place at the right time. Dempsey thought he might have got a penalty, too. So close...
71:10 Bizarre sight: Howard with possession bringing the ball out, and no other players on his side of the field.
71:40 Krim goes into the book. Free kick USA, again.
72:00 Felharber with a feeble effort, held. USA has one sub left.
72:30 Jozy wins a throw deep.
73:00 Slovenia going to bring on Pecnik, taking of Ljubiankic. He was the second one to score.
74:00 Dempsey almost scores off of a long throw, and a foul called on USA.
74:30 Another Slovenian booking. Jokic this time. Quite a hard challenge to Donovan. The Slovenians are playing nasty defending their lead.
76:20 Looked like the Americans were about to develop something... unfortunately, Donovan ran out of space.
76:50 Altidore with a long strike, sails it way wide. "13 minutes until I never care about soccer again"--every American.
77:58 Fehlharber with a nice run, lost it outside the box though. We need better.
78:20 Nasty tie up on the sideline for the ball. It's getting physical.
79:00 Herculez Gomez is checking in. Onyewu coming off. An attacker for a defender. Might as well at this point.
80:18 America will finish out in the 3-4-3.
80:32 Good shot by Bradley, saved by Keeper. I like the idea.
81:16 BRADLEY DOES IT! USA DRAWS EVEN! Great play! Altidore took the pass, laid it up for bradley, and he put it in. One of those goals that you knew was going to be scored before it happened. He's turned his game up when it counted after a rocky start--shades of Kobe last night. Score one for nepotism!
82:30 Still almost 10 minutes to play. Anything can happen here. The Americans look to be going for the win, staying with the 3-4-3. Edu is dropping back into a DMF position, not quite as aggressive anymore.
83:50 The clothing won by the American fans is beyond absurd. It's like the 4th of July on acid.
84:18 Altidore taken down outside the box. Free kick. What a finish.
85:00 GOAL! No! Edu called offsides. The replay shows no offsides. The Americans just got royally screwed out of a fantastic win. Bookings have been fouls, sending-offs have been bookings, and now the capstone goal is a shady offsides. The referee today is Koman Coulibaly. He's from Mali. Someone get his home address on the Internet.
85:40 Gomez taken down outside the box.
85:55 The replay shows that Michael Bradley was fouled on the play. So it should have been a penalty. But not, because the goal should have counted! Unbelievable.
86:25 "I can speak as a neutral Englishman, the referee has been a nightmare."--Ian Darke
86:50 Slovenia on the attack. How much you want to bet that they get a shady penalty here?
87:30 Howard holds the header from the Slovenian striker. Quick response from the Americans, they are attacking again.
88:30 Weak play by Number 6 America. Turnover.
88:40 Long shot punched away by Howard. Here's his trademark "ranting at the defense." He's Dr. Perry Cox with athletic ability.
89:50 American defense holds, play pulled back.
90:11 Again, the replay. Where is the foul?
90:25 Gomez gets a chance, but sails it high.
91:52 3 minutes of added time, by the way. Looks like it's gonna be 2-2. Come on guys, let's pull it together! We've got another minute to get another goal chopped off!
92:30 Dempsey going down after stepping on the ball. Replay looks painful.
93:24 Slovenia going to substitute with a player injured.
94:00 Final whistle blows. Outrage. To cap it off, the injury time in extra time wasn't even added on--seems like the refs were trying to get Slovenia out of there with the point. From Bill Simmons, via Twitter: "'The goal has been disallowed!' Who else had 'Victory' flashbacks? When NBA refs screw up at least they make makeup calls. Not in soccer."
Final thoughts: There is nothing worse than being robbed by the referees. Especially after a great comeback like that. The draw keeps the USA alive, but it doesn't look good. Alexei Lalas just put it pretty well: it's a disgrace. On the bright side, as I stated in the introduction, this wasn't a must-win game: it was a must-not-lose game. And with their dominant second half, the Americans managed that. Still, you'd rather see them controlling their own destiny--even if it looks good, you're still relying quite a bit on other results.
(Side note: approximately one paragraph, and the game hasn't even started yet. "USA!" chant No. 1 on the day. Hope you had the "under" on that one.)
So why is this interesting? Well, the way things were supposed to pan out, the USA was supposed to get through after falling to England, then meet Germany in the first knockout round and get crushed. However, in waking up early for this live blog, I caught the end of Germany 0-1 Serbia. Not only do the Germans look vulnerable for the first time in decades, but it looks like the Americans might get Serbia, Ghana, or possibly even Australia. What does that mean? Well, we might be sticking around a lot longer than originally planned!
The ESPN commentator just said it perfectly: this isn't a "must-win" game for the Americans, but it's a "better-not-lose" game. If US Soccer is ready to make The Leap, it all comes down to finishing things against the teams you're supposed to beat. Like, for instance, Slovenia and Algeria.
So why the hell would I ever wake myself up this early for a match against an inferior team? Well, I missed our only guaranteed match against an elite team. And Eastern Europe looks hot today, so you never know.
Let's roll.
-5:00 The Slovenian National Anthem. I was expecting something that sounded more Boratesque.
-3:30 Oh say can you see...
(It just got cold in here.)
-1:50 And the music isn't done for the day! Cue up the vuvuzeelas!
(Note: I did not understand the irrational hatred for these things until now. When you're up this early, the buzzing just grinds into your nerves.)
-:30 Altidore and Findley up front, Torres getting the start in midfield to give the Americans more speed.
:00 And we're off!
:20 Injury to a Slovenian player already after a sketchy challenge by Clint Dempsey. Glad to know he's focused today.
1:30 For the record, I'm not even going to try to identify the Slovenian players. I'd spend half the game trying to figure out the spellings. Seriously.
2:00 Another ugly foul. This one is getting dirty fast.
4:50 Great counterattack, Findley almost broke free. First corner of the game to the Americans.
5:20 Bradley fails to handle the corner, and it's a goal kick. So much for that. Good to see the counterattack this early though--Findley and Altidore are good for at least one that way this morning.
6:40 Free kick into the box for Slovenia, no real challenge to Timmy Howard. Things developing slowly.
9:00 Ladies and gentlemen; the Slovenian coach, Niko Bellic!
9:32 Seriously. Spitting image, right down to the scowl and the jacket. I could see the Slovenian coach smoking a cigarette on the sideline and glaring death at everyone who dares comment on it. Instantly like him.
12:00 I feel cheated. I made the effort to wake up for this game. Early on, it looks like Jozy Altidore didn't.
12:50 Slovenian goal. Shot from just outside the box into the corner. Tim Howard gets caught out of position, he didn't even try to stop it.
14:50 Free kick into the box, the Slovenian keeper punches it away. Ian Darke isn't even making an effort on this guy--he's simply calling him "the Slovenian keeper." High comedy.
16:20 Findley and Altidore get a break, Jozy can't bring in the final pass and The Slovenian Keeper clears it. That's his new official name, so I'm capitalizing it the rest of the way.
17:10 Michael Bradley sails a shot from about 50 yards out. Second time he's missed the net already--it's worth mentioning that he's the coach's son. You normally never see that once you hit high school.
20:00 "Twinkle-toed run from Donovan." Thanks, Ian. That was just etched in stone as Reason #213249 Why Americans Will Never Pick Up Soccer En Masse. Seriously, ESPN, why not spend a little more to get Clive Tyldsley again? Darke is like a homeless man's Tyldsley. I'll never understand this.
21:43 Novakovic breaks free on a free kick, and almost gets to it to poke it past Howard, followed by the Americans getting a few guys into the box and threatening. Very fast-paced game at this point. Americans are setting the tempo, hopefully that'll help with the whole comeback thing.
25:00 Corner to Slovenia. Tim Howard complaining that it stayed in. Luckily, nothing happens off the corner.
26:40 Novakovic is offsides. Not promising, the number of chances the Slovenians are getting. They're playing the Americans' game, and they're playing it better.
27:30 Bradley thinks twice about missing again, passes off to Donovan, who delivers it in to Dempsey who just can't finish. Good development though.
28:50 Howard chases down a set kick to knock it out, saving the corner. Would've loved to see that kind of effort on the goal.
30:40 Half hour in, we have yet to hear any announcer raise their voice. Never good for a soccer match. Even the goal just sort of happened.
32:00 Shot of several American fans. They look pissed to be there. One guy is texting. Passionate people, these are.
34:00 I apologize for the sparseness of the postings, but there is nothing going on. Two teams that play a very patient (read: boring) style. Lots of defenders passing within one another, lots of holding.
35:00 Bostjan Cesar (Slovenian defender) knocks down Jozy Altidore on a run, getting the first booking of the day. Free kick on the right edge for the Americans. Trying to rile myself awake.
35:40 Seven Americans in the box.
36:00 Torres takes a crack at the goal, and The Slovenian Keeper just parries it. Huge save, and a corner.
36:28 Demerit takes a long header, and he just misses by a few feet. No goal, but important signs of life for America. Slovenian player is injured, and being attended to.
38:30 Good break for America again. Donovan steals a pass in the offensive end, finds Findley, and he botches the pass, but it's out for the corner.
39:00 Everyone is confused. Findley getting a yellow card for an aleeged handball, replay shows that it got him in the face. He has to miss the Algeria match. "An absolutely ridiculous decision, one of the stupidest decisions I have ever seen." Maybe Ian Darke isn't all that bad.
(Note from my postgame edit: file that thought under "Obvious Foreshadowing." It will become relevant later.)
40:00 VERY near miss for the American attack. Corner coming. Something's gonna happen here, the announcers are buzzing. As are the vuvuzeelas. D'oh.
40:50 Cherundolo launches a shot from midfield. Replay of the near goal--the Slovenian defender beat Donovan to the ball by maybe a tenth of a second. THAT close to a goal.
41:25 2-0 Slovenia. No offsides. No defense from America, now that you mention it. Ljubijanic beat his marker with little effort, and Howard couldn't sprawl out and interfere. Bob Bradley looks like he owes money that he doesn't have. I should've just fucking slept in.
42:20 The collective American defense today has to equal at least three fourths of a John Shuster. And it might get worse.
43:00 That's devastating. USA was firmly in control of the flow, looked like it was only a matter of time until they equalized. Now, they look like they just got surprise sexed. Does anyone know how to play taps on a vuvuzeela?
44:30 Michael Bradley arguing a free kick, saying he won the ball clean. The replay proves otherwise. Not a great start for him.
45:00 Two minutes of added time.
46:50 The Americans play for the last attack, and fail to do anything off of the long ball. Halftime. Americans down 2-0. What a depressing way to start my day. Hey, at least if we beat Algeria we'll be bowl eligible.
Halftime thoughts: The Americans pooped in the refrigerator that half. An all-around brutal performance. The defense was gawd-awful, Bradley and Dempsey are sloppy, and Altidore, Findley, and Donovan aren't doing enough to make up for it. We've gone from talking about the Americans going deep into the tournament to almost certainly not even advancing out of group play. Halftime grades: Slovenia, B+; USA F; Vuvuzeela Orchestra D-.
45:00 Sure enough, two substitutions for the Americans. Torres and Findley coming out, Dempsey moving to forward, Maurice Edu and Benny Feilhaber coming on. It's worth noting that the only person who ever went by "Benny" to matter is Benny Hill. I don't trust this guy. He's a blue-chipper for the JP Losman All Stars--guys who still go by nicknames that you should stop using when your balls drop. For some reason, these guys are ALWAYS unreliable. You're really gonna trust a guy who still goes by Benny?
46:30 Americans building up an early attack. Slovenian defense is bending but not breaking. The Slovenian Keeper is on his game.
47:00 Ian Darke is desperate. "If they can just get one goal, they can get back in it!"
47:20 And Landon Donovan gets that goal! Great break down the side, great controlled approach, great shot from the side of the goal to put it in. He took it with confidence, and that made all the difference. And before it all, a great long ball. The Slovenian Keeper looked like he'd rather not try and stop that one.
48:30 The only time the Americans have ever come back from a 2-0 halftime defecit to win? 1995, in a friendly with Saudi Arabia. It's been mentioned about a half dozen times now, so I thought you'd need to know.
49:40 Slovenia down to ten men temporarily due to injury, Americans with a free kick in the offensive end.
50:00 Very nearly equalized! Donovan almost put it in off of the free kick, and Onyewu almost tipped it in, too.
50:50 Irony ftw: in this exact stadium, USA blew the final against Brazil last year after leading 2-0 at the half. Could they do the reverse today?
51:40 The defense has to stiffen up here. We've got the momentum, can't afford to let it slip away again.
53:00 Slovenia on the break... now on the attack... nothing of it.
53:40 Another replay of the Donovan goal. That thing was not gonna be stopped. A tracer bullet from point-blank range.
55:50 Counterattack from Slovenia off of an American offensive setup, but Howard collects it at the other end.
57:40 Altidore breaks past his man and is taken down outside the box. No call. Personally, we got hosed on that one.
(Again, postgame edit: obvious foreshadowing)
58:05 Donovan fouled. American free kick, maybe 35 yards out.
58:40 Slovenian defender Kirm hurt. Replay shows Dempsey damn near Suplexing him. To be fair, Kirm took a few shots at him first. Should've been a penalty before anything else.
60:40 Hand ball called on Edu. Free kick from the right side to cross for Slovenia. Punched away by Howard.
62:30 Altidore and Suler tangled up on a long ball, Slovenia free kick. John Harkes is openly questioning the impartiality of the referees.
64:20 Great work by the Americans working the ball down the field to get a chance. Good passing, good use of aerial balls. This is promising--though if they are going to win, they will need to score soon to draw level.
68:10 Altidore taken down on the edge of the box. Yellow card to Marko Suler. Harkes thinks it should be a red. He's not even bothering to fake impartiality. Love it.
(To be fair? It should've been a red. Jozy had gotten around him, and would've had a one on one with the keeper. That's an automatic red card.)
69:25 Donovan to take the kick...
69:40 Altidore ended up with it at the penalty spot falling away: The Slovenian Keeper holds it. Right place at the right time. Dempsey thought he might have got a penalty, too. So close...
71:10 Bizarre sight: Howard with possession bringing the ball out, and no other players on his side of the field.
71:40 Krim goes into the book. Free kick USA, again.
72:00 Felharber with a feeble effort, held. USA has one sub left.
72:30 Jozy wins a throw deep.
73:00 Slovenia going to bring on Pecnik, taking of Ljubiankic. He was the second one to score.
74:00 Dempsey almost scores off of a long throw, and a foul called on USA.
74:30 Another Slovenian booking. Jokic this time. Quite a hard challenge to Donovan. The Slovenians are playing nasty defending their lead.
76:20 Looked like the Americans were about to develop something... unfortunately, Donovan ran out of space.
76:50 Altidore with a long strike, sails it way wide. "13 minutes until I never care about soccer again"--every American.
77:58 Fehlharber with a nice run, lost it outside the box though. We need better.
78:20 Nasty tie up on the sideline for the ball. It's getting physical.
79:00 Herculez Gomez is checking in. Onyewu coming off. An attacker for a defender. Might as well at this point.
80:18 America will finish out in the 3-4-3.
80:32 Good shot by Bradley, saved by Keeper. I like the idea.
81:16 BRADLEY DOES IT! USA DRAWS EVEN! Great play! Altidore took the pass, laid it up for bradley, and he put it in. One of those goals that you knew was going to be scored before it happened. He's turned his game up when it counted after a rocky start--shades of Kobe last night. Score one for nepotism!
82:30 Still almost 10 minutes to play. Anything can happen here. The Americans look to be going for the win, staying with the 3-4-3. Edu is dropping back into a DMF position, not quite as aggressive anymore.
83:50 The clothing won by the American fans is beyond absurd. It's like the 4th of July on acid.
84:18 Altidore taken down outside the box. Free kick. What a finish.
85:00 GOAL! No! Edu called offsides. The replay shows no offsides. The Americans just got royally screwed out of a fantastic win. Bookings have been fouls, sending-offs have been bookings, and now the capstone goal is a shady offsides. The referee today is Koman Coulibaly. He's from Mali. Someone get his home address on the Internet.
85:40 Gomez taken down outside the box.
85:55 The replay shows that Michael Bradley was fouled on the play. So it should have been a penalty. But not, because the goal should have counted! Unbelievable.
86:25 "I can speak as a neutral Englishman, the referee has been a nightmare."--Ian Darke
86:50 Slovenia on the attack. How much you want to bet that they get a shady penalty here?
87:30 Howard holds the header from the Slovenian striker. Quick response from the Americans, they are attacking again.
88:30 Weak play by Number 6 America. Turnover.
88:40 Long shot punched away by Howard. Here's his trademark "ranting at the defense." He's Dr. Perry Cox with athletic ability.
89:50 American defense holds, play pulled back.
90:11 Again, the replay. Where is the foul?
90:25 Gomez gets a chance, but sails it high.
91:52 3 minutes of added time, by the way. Looks like it's gonna be 2-2. Come on guys, let's pull it together! We've got another minute to get another goal chopped off!
92:30 Dempsey going down after stepping on the ball. Replay looks painful.
93:24 Slovenia going to substitute with a player injured.
94:00 Final whistle blows. Outrage. To cap it off, the injury time in extra time wasn't even added on--seems like the refs were trying to get Slovenia out of there with the point. From Bill Simmons, via Twitter: "'The goal has been disallowed!' Who else had 'Victory' flashbacks? When NBA refs screw up at least they make makeup calls. Not in soccer."
Final thoughts: There is nothing worse than being robbed by the referees. Especially after a great comeback like that. The draw keeps the USA alive, but it doesn't look good. Alexei Lalas just put it pretty well: it's a disgrace. On the bright side, as I stated in the introduction, this wasn't a must-win game: it was a must-not-lose game. And with their dominant second half, the Americans managed that. Still, you'd rather see them controlling their own destiny--even if it looks good, you're still relying quite a bit on other results.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Farewell, Liver, We Hardly Knew Ye: The Definitive 2010 World Cup Drinking Game
In case you were unaware, the 2010 World Cup begins Friday morning. For soccer fans, the next several weeks will be like the Olympics on crack. Like the NCAA Tournament on steroids. Like the Super Bowl methed out of it's mind. Okay, maybe I need to stop making these sport-drug comparisons.
But at any rate, even if you're a non-soccer fan, the next several weeks will consist of pretending to know what "offsides" means and caring about whether Team USA can realize their destiny of taking soccer in America to new heights (spoiler alert: it's not gonna happen). It's like a one-sport Olympics. And if we can get behind curling and short-track speed skating in the name of nationalism, why the fuck not soccer?
I'd like to see every American give the World Cup a shot. And I'm doing my part by making it easier for my target demographic to enjoy soccer--by pre-mixing it with a metric fuckton of alcohol. We love sports, we love drinking, and we love kicking the living shit out of other countries. So it is my pleasure to present to you The Definitive 2010 World Cup Drinking Game.
Before we start, a couple ground rules.
Standard Rules:
But at any rate, even if you're a non-soccer fan, the next several weeks will consist of pretending to know what "offsides" means and caring about whether Team USA can realize their destiny of taking soccer in America to new heights (spoiler alert: it's not gonna happen). It's like a one-sport Olympics. And if we can get behind curling and short-track speed skating in the name of nationalism, why the fuck not soccer?
I'd like to see every American give the World Cup a shot. And I'm doing my part by making it easier for my target demographic to enjoy soccer--by pre-mixing it with a metric fuckton of alcohol. We love sports, we love drinking, and we love kicking the living shit out of other countries. So it is my pleasure to present to you The Definitive 2010 World Cup Drinking Game.
Before we start, a couple ground rules.
- Know your limits. I assume NO responsibility for anything that happens to you if you follow these rules to a T, and don't have the tolerance to handle yourself. Again, know your limits. If you have to alter the rules to better reflect your drinking ability--do it. KNOW YOUR LIMITS. I love my readers, and it would kill me to know that I was responsible for one of their deaths. FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, KNOW YOUR LIMITS.
- Remember the point of this exercise: to watch world-class athletic competition and to get hammered. Arguing about the rules, or he said/she said issues gets in the way of both of these. Over the literally thousands of hours of soccer played, there are going to be some missed drinks. Accept this.
- This is one man's list, with heavy influence from a number of other lists. Too many to list here. Know that I wanted to make this thing as glorious as possible--which means it samples heavily from what is already out there. Some of the rules are original, some have already been used in other drinking games. It's not an original concept. That's gonna happen sometimes.
- This list is not finished. Reader input is welcomed. I'm gonna miss stuff, and if it's good, I'd like to include it after the fact. The World Cup happens every 4 years, and I'd like to make this one a recurring theme.
Standard Rules:
- Drink every time the referee blows his whistle.
- Drink once for every goal scored by a striker.
- Drink twice for every goal scored by a midfielder.
- Drink three times for every goal scored by a defender.
- Finish your drink, and shotgun a beer, for every goal scored by a goalie.
- If the goal scored had an assist, drink double.
- Finish your drink for every yellow card, shotgun for every red card.
- Before kickoff, select a side and chug throughout their national anthem.
- Using the same side from kickoff, take a drink for every player over the age of 33 in your starting lineup.
- Using the same side from kickoff, chug every time their captain (the guy with the armband) is in possession of the ball.
- Using the same side, any time that side tries to argue a call with a referee, drink once for every player surrounding the referee.
- If a goal is scored off of a free kick, finish your drink.
- If any games go to a penalty shootout, drink once for every goal conceded by your side from above. Chug until the next kick if your team fails to convert by missing or being stopped.
- Whenever an announcer refers to the World Cup as “the first ever World Cup in Africa” or “A big step for African sports,” finish your drink.
- Drink for any shots of celebrities in the stands. One drink per celeb pointed out.
- A round of shots must be taken after every goal scored by Honduras or New Zealand.
- If you make someone laugh and spill on themselves while drinking, they have to take a shame-shot.
- Whenever the camera shows a shot of a “foreign hottie” in the crowd, the last person to yell “I’d tap that” drinks.
- Drink anytime any goalkeeper is referred to as a “penalty-saving specialist.” Finish your beer if he lets a penalty in within 5 minutes of this.
- Drink twice every time the announcers compare a current player to a former player.
- Finish your drink every time David Beckham’s name is mentioned during setup for a free kick.
- Chug every time an announcer says that this “might be the year for an African team.”
- Drink every time an announcer accuses a player of diving.
- Cliché watch: drink every time Brazil are referred to as “skillful,” Germany “efficient,” England “gutsy,” and Korea “busy.”
- Take a shot every time Cristiano Ronaldo is shown fixing his hair during a stoppage in play.
- Drink every time Ronaldinho makes a completely unnecessary pass.
- Drink every time offsides is called.
- Drink every time political discussion about North Korea comes up during a match. Drink twice if North Korea isn’t even playing.
- Take a shot for every puff piece about corruption or poverty in Africa.
- Drink every time a sub is shown on a warm-up bike.
- Finish your drink if punches are thrown.
- Chug until the streaker is apprehended.
- Drink for any World Cup records broken.
- Drink for any attempts that measure out to 45m or longer.
- Any time Landon Donovan has the ball and the American announcer screams out his name like he is about to do something amazing, the last person to fake an orgasm has to drink.
- Drink every time the American announcer completely ignores a replay of an American player flopping. Drink every time the American announcer goes absolutely ballistic over an opposing player's flop. If the two happen within 5 minutes of each other on the game clock, finish your drink.
- If one US defender passes to another US defender, then the second defender passes back to the first one, take a drink. If the first one then passes to the second one again, take another. Keep going until a third player touches the ball.
- Chug every time a US defender passes back to Tim Howard.
- Any time Landon Donovan’s stint at Everton is mentioned, drink.
- Any time Clint Dempsey’s goal against Juventus is mentioned, drink.
- Every time Tim Howard snaps after a missed shot, take a drink for every defender he goes off on.
- Drink for every shot or mention of Barack Obama.
- Drink until blacked out if USA beats England.
- Any time Jozy Altidore is referred to as “the future of Team USA,” finish your drink.
- Chug if Tim Howard saves a penalty.
- Every time “Kewel” and “Injury” are mentioned in the same sentence, drink.
- Take a shot any time anyone mentions Josh Kennedy looking like Jesus.
- Every time Tommy Oar is called “the next Harry Kewell,” finish your drink.
- If someone refers to the Australian League as a “respectable league,” finish your drink.
- Drink every time Scott McDonald misses a shot. Finish if the announcers defend him as “proficient at club level.”
- Every time Craig Moore touches the ball, the last person to check that they still have both testicles drinks.
- If an opposing player receives three yellow cards before being sent off (again), all alcohol in the building must be consumed within the hour.
- Any time a highlight of Australia vs. Japan in 2006 is shown, drink. If Tim Cahill’s goal is shown, chug until live action resumes.
- Every time someone is described as “The best striker out of Mexico since Hugo Sanchez,” finish your drink.
- Drink whenever Cuahutemoc Blanco tries to bunny hop over someone.
- If watching on the Spanish language channel (which is HIGHLY recommended): drink for as long as the announcer shouts “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!”
- Drink whenever you can see a forward swear in Spanish after he misses. Finish if they actually show the replay and you can hear it.
- Drink every time a Mexican player crosses himself.
- Drink every time the All Blacks are mentioned.
- Drink every time it is brought up that NZ’s last World Cup appearance was in 1982.
- Drink every time New Zealand’s friendly victory over Serbia is mentioned.
- Drink every time Rory Fallon appears on screen, finish your drink if his father is mentioned.
- Drink every time Ryan Nelsen wins an aerial challenge, chug if the announcers then mention him playing for Blackburn.
- Chug everytime a snide remark is made about New Zealand’s chances of competing in the World Cup.
- Drink every time New Zealand and Australia are mentioned within the same sentence.
- Any time an announcer mentions Ryan Giggs choosing to play for Wales over England, finish your drink.
- Every time a commentator mentions David Beckham during an England game, the last player to touch their Achilles’ tendon drinks.
- Drink every time the announcers discuss John Terry and the captaincy.
- Every time England’s poor penalty record is noted, drink.
- Drink continuously while Fabio Capello is on screen.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
6/7/2010: The End of an Error
Yesterday, the Milwaukee Brewers finally realized that pencils have erasers. After three-plus years of varying levels of failure, they finally cut ties with the sad-sack Jeff Suppan, costing the team over $10 million for the rest of the season.
To summarize: the team is paying $10 million dollars to Suppan in order for him to do absolutely nothing. And the fans are thrilled about it. So, yes, Soup: you have gotten that bad that paying you $10 million to do nothing is preferable to paying you $12 million to pitch. Not a good sign. It's mildly ironic that such an abortion of a contract would be terminated with 4 months still left on it.
The thing is, Suppan was never that good. When we signed him, the general consensus from Brewer Nation was "This is our big-name savior?" At the time, he was 32 years old and coming off of a successful, but not dominating, stint in St. Louis. It was Suppan's masterful performance in the 2006 NLCS, winning both of his starts, that catapulted him to the forefront of a pretty weak free agent class. Under the new ownership of Mark Attanasio, the team looked both to beef up payroll and show that they were serious about winning. So, inexplicably, they signed Suppan--a journeyman back-end starter who had just so happened to crank it up for two weeks. I instantly granted him provisional access to the Michael Redd All-Stars, for franchise-crushingly bad contracts, pending his suckitude. Now that all is said and done, nobody would argue against his inclusion.
Let's analyze Suppan using a little tool I like to call the Bad Free Agent Signing Checklist. If your favorite team signs a player, just hold him up against the list to see if you should be smiling or queasy.
-The player played out of his shoes on a high-pressure level, which has artificially inflated his value. Check. The difference between $5.5 million a year and $12 million a year for Suppan was his 2006 NLCS MVP award. This is seen far more often in the NBA (Hedo Turkoglu being the best recent example), but the rest of the major sports aren't immune to it.
-The player is just short of his prime and looks ready to make The Leap, but he demands to be paid like he has already made it OR The player is at the tail end of his prime, will most certainly be a shell of his former self by the end of the contract, yet demands to be paid like he will maintain his current level of production forever. Check. Suppan clearly fits the second criteria. How anyone could've thought that he would still be worth eight figures a year at age 35 when the track record of mid-30s pitchers argues against it is beyond me.
-Somehow, the player is in a favorable market that allows him to maximize the cash he can squeeze out of potential suitors. Check. Clearly, the Brewers weren't going to get Dice-K that off-season. So the best remaining options included Suppan, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Gil Meche, Randy Wolf, or Barry Zito. After Zito (who you have to remember was coming off of a MONSTER run with the A's before spontaneously combusting in San Fran), we're talking about a massive drop-off. So the likes of Suppan, Lilly, and Meche were able to turn a weak market into overlarge contracts.
(Note: This phenomenon usually occurs in one of three ways. Either an above average player capitalizes a shallow FA pool like noted above, an above average player capitalizes on a successful run with a successful team to squeeze franchise status and money out of an also-ran (also applicable in the Suppan example), or the converse of the second option: a player establishes himself as the only legitimate player on a shitty team, and leverages that into superstar money (Michael Redd is a painful local example though, on a national scale, Andre Iguodala might be objectively a little bit worse.)
-The team is desperate to be seen doing anything to build a contender. Check. When the past two criteria combine, you KNOW you are in trouble. And in this case, the new owner wanted to distance himself from the old owner, who had spent the better part of 15 years refusing to spend money on ballplayers. The result? The team took one look at the above list of pitchers, said "We don't really like any of them too much but we need to do something, and settled on Suppan. "We know it's a bad decision long-term, but we need something to look good short-term," has never been the justification of a successful investment.
-The player is injury-prone enough to scare the shit out of your team committing so much cash to him--and, in the event that he blows his knee out in 82 places, you would not be shocked. Doesn't apply here--the one positive thing that can still be said about Suppan is that he's durable.
But hey--we signed him for the playoffs! He's an October hero! When this team gets over the top, you all are gonna be damn glad we overpaid for him!
Wait, here's Suppan's line from his start against the Phillies:
3 IP 6H 5R 5ER 2BB 3K 1WP and a series-clinching L
Thanks for the memories, Jeff. Now please give us some of our money back.
(Side note: feel free to measure up players of your choice against the Bad Free Agent Signing Checklist in the Comments section. I'm interested to see how well this thing holds up.)
To summarize: the team is paying $10 million dollars to Suppan in order for him to do absolutely nothing. And the fans are thrilled about it. So, yes, Soup: you have gotten that bad that paying you $10 million to do nothing is preferable to paying you $12 million to pitch. Not a good sign. It's mildly ironic that such an abortion of a contract would be terminated with 4 months still left on it.
The thing is, Suppan was never that good. When we signed him, the general consensus from Brewer Nation was "This is our big-name savior?" At the time, he was 32 years old and coming off of a successful, but not dominating, stint in St. Louis. It was Suppan's masterful performance in the 2006 NLCS, winning both of his starts, that catapulted him to the forefront of a pretty weak free agent class. Under the new ownership of Mark Attanasio, the team looked both to beef up payroll and show that they were serious about winning. So, inexplicably, they signed Suppan--a journeyman back-end starter who had just so happened to crank it up for two weeks. I instantly granted him provisional access to the Michael Redd All-Stars, for franchise-crushingly bad contracts, pending his suckitude. Now that all is said and done, nobody would argue against his inclusion.
Let's analyze Suppan using a little tool I like to call the Bad Free Agent Signing Checklist. If your favorite team signs a player, just hold him up against the list to see if you should be smiling or queasy.
-The player played out of his shoes on a high-pressure level, which has artificially inflated his value. Check. The difference between $5.5 million a year and $12 million a year for Suppan was his 2006 NLCS MVP award. This is seen far more often in the NBA (Hedo Turkoglu being the best recent example), but the rest of the major sports aren't immune to it.
-The player is just short of his prime and looks ready to make The Leap, but he demands to be paid like he has already made it OR The player is at the tail end of his prime, will most certainly be a shell of his former self by the end of the contract, yet demands to be paid like he will maintain his current level of production forever. Check. Suppan clearly fits the second criteria. How anyone could've thought that he would still be worth eight figures a year at age 35 when the track record of mid-30s pitchers argues against it is beyond me.
-Somehow, the player is in a favorable market that allows him to maximize the cash he can squeeze out of potential suitors. Check. Clearly, the Brewers weren't going to get Dice-K that off-season. So the best remaining options included Suppan, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Gil Meche, Randy Wolf, or Barry Zito. After Zito (who you have to remember was coming off of a MONSTER run with the A's before spontaneously combusting in San Fran), we're talking about a massive drop-off. So the likes of Suppan, Lilly, and Meche were able to turn a weak market into overlarge contracts.
(Note: This phenomenon usually occurs in one of three ways. Either an above average player capitalizes a shallow FA pool like noted above, an above average player capitalizes on a successful run with a successful team to squeeze franchise status and money out of an also-ran (also applicable in the Suppan example), or the converse of the second option: a player establishes himself as the only legitimate player on a shitty team, and leverages that into superstar money (Michael Redd is a painful local example though, on a national scale, Andre Iguodala might be objectively a little bit worse.)
-The team is desperate to be seen doing anything to build a contender. Check. When the past two criteria combine, you KNOW you are in trouble. And in this case, the new owner wanted to distance himself from the old owner, who had spent the better part of 15 years refusing to spend money on ballplayers. The result? The team took one look at the above list of pitchers, said "We don't really like any of them too much but we need to do something, and settled on Suppan. "We know it's a bad decision long-term, but we need something to look good short-term," has never been the justification of a successful investment.
-The player is injury-prone enough to scare the shit out of your team committing so much cash to him--and, in the event that he blows his knee out in 82 places, you would not be shocked. Doesn't apply here--the one positive thing that can still be said about Suppan is that he's durable.
But hey--we signed him for the playoffs! He's an October hero! When this team gets over the top, you all are gonna be damn glad we overpaid for him!
Wait, here's Suppan's line from his start against the Phillies:
3 IP 6H 5R 5ER 2BB 3K 1WP and a series-clinching L
Thanks for the memories, Jeff. Now please give us some of our money back.
(Side note: feel free to measure up players of your choice against the Bad Free Agent Signing Checklist in the Comments section. I'm interested to see how well this thing holds up.)
Monday, May 10, 2010
Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe presents The Your Name Here MLB Power Rankings: May Edition (Part I)
Hey, you didn't think I'd let another major sports season slip by without taking the opportunity to arbitrarily rank teams in a slightly different way than everyone else? Of course not! A month into the season, we can look back at some surprises and some not-so-surprises, and pretend that some predictions never happened. You hear me? At no point did I say that I liked the Doug Davis signing!
Anyways,
The Alan Trammell Division
30. Houston
Yipes. I knew that the 2003 National League All-Stars would be bad. Never would have pegged them as this bad. Offensively, they rank dead last in almost every major offensive category. Geoff Blum, Michael Bourn, and Jeff Keppinger are the only Astros with at least 50 at-bats and a .250 batting average. Kaz Matsui, JR Towles, and Lance Berkman both lag behind the Mendoza line. At this point, neither Berkman nor Matsui will even be able to be traded for prospects.
29. Baltimore
I think we can call the Jim Johnson Era a resounding failure. Kinda like Jim Johnson's ERA. Which currently sits at 6.52.
28. Pittsburgh
10-2 in games decided by two runs or less. What does that mean? That they've been getting incredibly lucky. With that incredible luck, they are still three games below .500. Things can only get worse from here.
27. Cleveland
AAAA
26. Arizona
At his current pace, Kelly Johnson will finish the season with 53 home runs. There are only three problems with this projection:
1. It is not 1996.
2. Kelly Johnson's name is not Brady Anderson
3. Kelly Johnson is (presumably) not taking gratuitous amounts of HGH.
25. Kansas City
Dear Zach Greinke: We are truly, truly sorry that a player of your caliber is wasting his time losing 2-1 games for this shitshow of a franchise. Your potential for a contender is simply astounding--instead, you'll be forced to spend the next half decade or so churning out Cy Young-level performances for a team that will not top fourth place in the division. Please don't overcompensate by signing with the Yankees at that point. Love, Baseball fans across the nation.
24. Chicago White Sox
Cut from the same Hitless Wonders cloth as the previously-discussed Astros. Two thirds of their everyday lineup is hitting below .250. The only things keeping them this far up the rankings are Jake Peavy's dominance and Paul Konerko's power.
23. Atlanta
Like some of the other teams listed to this point, the Braves are getting zero production from a large chunk of their lineup. Like some of the other teams listed to this point, the Braves have three starters with an ERA higher than 5.50. But they do have Martin Prado, Jason Heyward, and Tommy Hanson. So at least the people of Hotlanta have hope that they'll be back on top of the division in a few years.
22. Washington
Yes, here I am ranking a team with a winning record 22nd. When it's the team picked 30th overall in the pre-season, and their winning record is largely thanks to a league-leading seven one-run wins, excuse me for not being optimistic. As long as Jason Marquis is their number two starter, they aren't sniffing .500 at the end of the year.
Fatally Flawed
21. Seattle
Probably my second-worst preseason prediction: thinking that the M's would be a team to reckon with. Problem? Franklin Gutierrez and Casey Kotchman are tied for the team lead in home runs... with 3 apiece. The team's combined OPS is .638, which is quite craptastic. The silver lining? Doug Fister and Jason Vargas each have 5 quality starts out of 6, and King Felix has 5 of 7. Meanwhile, Brandon League has emerged as one of the best set-up men in the game. If only they could get a lead for him to set up.
20. Chicago Cubs
You'll notice that I've ranked the teams into categories. The "Fatally Flawed" is composed of generally good teams with one glaring, defining weakness. The Mariners couldn't hit. The Cubs can't keep people from hitting. Particularly if Tom Gorzelanny and Carlos Silva can't keep up their uncharacteristically hot starts--and I wouldn't bet on it--they could be in real trouble. And we haven't even touched on the Zambrano debacle.
19. Milwaukee Brewers
A far more extreme version of the Cubs. Ryan Braun is making a legitimate MVP candidacy, Casey McGehee is putting up solid numbers, and of the regulars only Alciedes Escobar's average is below .250. Meanwhile, the pitching staff beyond Yovanni Gallardo and the surprisingly lights-out Carlos Villanueva is otherworldly bad. Trevor Hoffman has 5 saves, 4 blown saves, and an ERA in the double digits. Time to gently take the car keys away.
18. Angels
Scott Kazmir and Joe Saunders are straight-up killing this team. A playoff contender for pretty much the past decade, the Angels sit five games below .500, largely because those two starters are a combined 2 for 12 in getting quality starts. The offense, besides Kendry Morales, has been passable, but not good enough. These guys are underachieving, and I'm not entirely sure that they've got the team to turn it around this year. Vladdy Guerrero is long gone, folks.
17. Los Angeles Dodgers
Like their crosstown neighbors, these guys have underwhelmed in April. 14-17, and injured Manny Ramirez and Rafael Furcals haven't really helped. Nor has Matt Kemp's regression back to "above average" after a breakout year. Andre Ethier deserves a mention for having an absolutely torrid April, though.
Reports Of Their Demise Are Greatly Exaggerated
16. Colorado
Hanging around in a division that seems to have largely inverted preseason expectations. Meaning that there's a good chance that three or four teams might be going down to the wire. Ian Stewart has emerged as a legitimate fantasy threat, much to my dynasty team's delight. Ubaldo Jimenez has emerged as a legitimate All-Star. Jhoulys Chacin looked unhittable in his first two starts. If they can convince Todd Helton that it's 2002 again, a Rocktober revival might be possible. Though that's a pretty big "if." They're a team to watch in the next few years though.
15. Cincinatti
Speaking of my dynasty league, I managed to pick up Mike Leake in the 12th round of our inaugural prospect draft. And so far, he's looking like the best player to skip the minor leagues since John Olerud and Jim Abbott both did it in 1989. The other players since then to attempt the feat? Darren Dreifort and Chan Ho Park both with the '94 Dodgers (both started off good, got overpaid, and stopped caring/being healthy), Ariel Prieto with the '95 A's (also see: Train Wreck), and Xavier Nady in 2000 with the Padres. Improbably, Leake has the Reds in second place in the NL Central.
Now, for the top half of the rankings, you are going to have to wait until tomorrow night. Why, you ask? Because I'm going to need something to plug tomorrow on the radio!
Yes, that's right. My good friend Mike Winski hosts an MLB-themed radio show every Tuesday and Thursday at noon, central time for the UW-Oshkosh radio station, WRST. Tomorrow, I will be on as his guest. If you happen to live in Oshkosh, tune in to 90.3 at noon to listen. If you don't live in Oshkosh, don't worry about being left out--you can still hear by going to the WRST website and clicking the "Listen Now" link in the top right corner. I think they allow call-ins, so feel free to do that.
Until then: enjoy yourself, bitches.
Anyways,
The Alan Trammell Division
30. Houston
Yipes. I knew that the 2003 National League All-Stars would be bad. Never would have pegged them as this bad. Offensively, they rank dead last in almost every major offensive category. Geoff Blum, Michael Bourn, and Jeff Keppinger are the only Astros with at least 50 at-bats and a .250 batting average. Kaz Matsui, JR Towles, and Lance Berkman both lag behind the Mendoza line. At this point, neither Berkman nor Matsui will even be able to be traded for prospects.
29. Baltimore
I think we can call the Jim Johnson Era a resounding failure. Kinda like Jim Johnson's ERA. Which currently sits at 6.52.
28. Pittsburgh
10-2 in games decided by two runs or less. What does that mean? That they've been getting incredibly lucky. With that incredible luck, they are still three games below .500. Things can only get worse from here.
27. Cleveland
AAAA
26. Arizona
At his current pace, Kelly Johnson will finish the season with 53 home runs. There are only three problems with this projection:
1. It is not 1996.
2. Kelly Johnson's name is not Brady Anderson
3. Kelly Johnson is (presumably) not taking gratuitous amounts of HGH.
25. Kansas City
Dear Zach Greinke: We are truly, truly sorry that a player of your caliber is wasting his time losing 2-1 games for this shitshow of a franchise. Your potential for a contender is simply astounding--instead, you'll be forced to spend the next half decade or so churning out Cy Young-level performances for a team that will not top fourth place in the division. Please don't overcompensate by signing with the Yankees at that point. Love, Baseball fans across the nation.
24. Chicago White Sox
Cut from the same Hitless Wonders cloth as the previously-discussed Astros. Two thirds of their everyday lineup is hitting below .250. The only things keeping them this far up the rankings are Jake Peavy's dominance and Paul Konerko's power.
23. Atlanta
Like some of the other teams listed to this point, the Braves are getting zero production from a large chunk of their lineup. Like some of the other teams listed to this point, the Braves have three starters with an ERA higher than 5.50. But they do have Martin Prado, Jason Heyward, and Tommy Hanson. So at least the people of Hotlanta have hope that they'll be back on top of the division in a few years.
22. Washington
Yes, here I am ranking a team with a winning record 22nd. When it's the team picked 30th overall in the pre-season, and their winning record is largely thanks to a league-leading seven one-run wins, excuse me for not being optimistic. As long as Jason Marquis is their number two starter, they aren't sniffing .500 at the end of the year.
Fatally Flawed
21. Seattle
Probably my second-worst preseason prediction: thinking that the M's would be a team to reckon with. Problem? Franklin Gutierrez and Casey Kotchman are tied for the team lead in home runs... with 3 apiece. The team's combined OPS is .638, which is quite craptastic. The silver lining? Doug Fister and Jason Vargas each have 5 quality starts out of 6, and King Felix has 5 of 7. Meanwhile, Brandon League has emerged as one of the best set-up men in the game. If only they could get a lead for him to set up.
20. Chicago Cubs
You'll notice that I've ranked the teams into categories. The "Fatally Flawed" is composed of generally good teams with one glaring, defining weakness. The Mariners couldn't hit. The Cubs can't keep people from hitting. Particularly if Tom Gorzelanny and Carlos Silva can't keep up their uncharacteristically hot starts--and I wouldn't bet on it--they could be in real trouble. And we haven't even touched on the Zambrano debacle.
19. Milwaukee Brewers
A far more extreme version of the Cubs. Ryan Braun is making a legitimate MVP candidacy, Casey McGehee is putting up solid numbers, and of the regulars only Alciedes Escobar's average is below .250. Meanwhile, the pitching staff beyond Yovanni Gallardo and the surprisingly lights-out Carlos Villanueva is otherworldly bad. Trevor Hoffman has 5 saves, 4 blown saves, and an ERA in the double digits. Time to gently take the car keys away.
18. Angels
Scott Kazmir and Joe Saunders are straight-up killing this team. A playoff contender for pretty much the past decade, the Angels sit five games below .500, largely because those two starters are a combined 2 for 12 in getting quality starts. The offense, besides Kendry Morales, has been passable, but not good enough. These guys are underachieving, and I'm not entirely sure that they've got the team to turn it around this year. Vladdy Guerrero is long gone, folks.
17. Los Angeles Dodgers
Like their crosstown neighbors, these guys have underwhelmed in April. 14-17, and injured Manny Ramirez and Rafael Furcals haven't really helped. Nor has Matt Kemp's regression back to "above average" after a breakout year. Andre Ethier deserves a mention for having an absolutely torrid April, though.
Reports Of Their Demise Are Greatly Exaggerated
16. Colorado
Hanging around in a division that seems to have largely inverted preseason expectations. Meaning that there's a good chance that three or four teams might be going down to the wire. Ian Stewart has emerged as a legitimate fantasy threat, much to my dynasty team's delight. Ubaldo Jimenez has emerged as a legitimate All-Star. Jhoulys Chacin looked unhittable in his first two starts. If they can convince Todd Helton that it's 2002 again, a Rocktober revival might be possible. Though that's a pretty big "if." They're a team to watch in the next few years though.
15. Cincinatti
Speaking of my dynasty league, I managed to pick up Mike Leake in the 12th round of our inaugural prospect draft. And so far, he's looking like the best player to skip the minor leagues since John Olerud and Jim Abbott both did it in 1989. The other players since then to attempt the feat? Darren Dreifort and Chan Ho Park both with the '94 Dodgers (both started off good, got overpaid, and stopped caring/being healthy), Ariel Prieto with the '95 A's (also see: Train Wreck), and Xavier Nady in 2000 with the Padres. Improbably, Leake has the Reds in second place in the NL Central.
Now, for the top half of the rankings, you are going to have to wait until tomorrow night. Why, you ask? Because I'm going to need something to plug tomorrow on the radio!
Yes, that's right. My good friend Mike Winski hosts an MLB-themed radio show every Tuesday and Thursday at noon, central time for the UW-Oshkosh radio station, WRST. Tomorrow, I will be on as his guest. If you happen to live in Oshkosh, tune in to 90.3 at noon to listen. If you don't live in Oshkosh, don't worry about being left out--you can still hear by going to the WRST website and clicking the "Listen Now" link in the top right corner. I think they allow call-ins, so feel free to do that.
Until then: enjoy yourself, bitches.
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